Confused about my fiancee breaking up with me, think she might have those feelings still?

[DerektheDomino]

Hello my name is Alex and I am currently going through a difficult breakup of a relationship that lasted a year and a half. Let me give you a little background.

 

I met this girl at my work a year and a half ago, however she was with someone else. I invited one day to spend time with me, more so as a friend but I started to have those feelings for her. Anyway I take her out on a "Date" (which later she called the best date she ever had) and her boyfriend was away on vacation hunting. We saw each other for the whole week, watching movies and playing video games getting to know each other. The day the bf comes back she breaks up with him.

 

At this point I'm really interested in pursuing a relationship with her, however I felt guilty because I interferred with this person's relationship. She accepted to date me the next day, and over the course of time I asked her to marry me and she said yes.

 

I moved into her mother's house for a year, and when I finally got enough money to get our own place, we picked one out and moved into it on March 1st.

 

I wanted to be able to create an atmosphere for her that would make her feel comfortable and we can start out lives together. I spent literally 2 grand on furniture, kitchen stuff etc.

 

I found out she was talking to some guy at work because he was going through a 21 year divorce and I guess needed some help. So my fiancee was talking to him on Facebook, would stay up late too to talk with him.

 

I came home from work one night, and I was locked out of the place and she came home at 5am when the guy she was talking to from work dropped her off. I got pissed and told her what the hell was she doing with this guy, she proceeded to tell me that she wanted to break up with me.

 

At first I didn't believe it, but the next day she sat down with me and was real serious. I broke down real quick, and begged her to stay and work out our communication problems. She stated she wasn't happy anymore and wish we went out and did more stuff. However I was planning a surprise vacation for her.

 

So I obviously still have the feelings for her, and she came back to the place after a few days of breaking up. I had some slow music playing and invited her to dance with me, we started slow dancing...and she kissed me on the lips, and taking this as she might have the feelings for me, I went and kissed her on the neck...which she let me then started feeling guilty because she didn't know how she was going to tell her new BF about this. Also the day she brought him over, I called the Police to have him removed. She got real pissed at me, but came back to the place and started to break down in tears. I came to her aide, and she slept on my chest and I asked her "Does this feel like home laying on me?" and she said "Yes"...

 

I guess she must of twisted the language around because he wants to punch me in the face but said I wasn't worth it.

 

A little background on what's been going on between them. Like I said earlier he is in the process of a divorce from his wife of 21 years. He has a son older than my ex-fiancee too! And my ex and him are already considering on getting an apartment together! She talked to me on the phone about all this and admitted she had sex with him the first week in a Motel 6 room. Of course hearing this has filled my head with horrible imagery. She also told me she took him to our favorite restuarant too!

 

I still don't understand how my ex-fiancee was so quick to get over me, and from all the things she said to me ("I will never leave you, and I will always love you") and to be gone in the next minute was a slap in the face.

 

Also he was over one time, and I was there in the place and she would kind of flirt with me by pinching me a few times on my side while giggling.

 

What the hell is going on here? Is she trying to make me jealous with this other guy by doing all this stuff with him but secretly still loves me?

 

It's just such a confusing break up.

[Amore]

Hey there Derek, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I'm really tired right now and will read your thread over again once I wake up in attempt to give some better advice in the morning, but I wanted to say something right away.

 

It seems like your ex-fiancee has a habit of this cheating-like behavior. She did the same thing to her ex-boyfriend as she did to you right now, where she starts dating and getting emotionally involved with a new person before ending ties with her current relationship. She's dating this new guy but is seeing/kissing you still. I'd say she cheated on her ex-bf, cheated on you, and already cheated on her new bf. It seems like she likes the thrill of what's "not allowed" more than anything else. Unless she has some sort of epiphany or intervention, I wouldn't be surprised if she never stops this behavior.

 

While its understandable for her to be confused in this particular situation, this behavior has shown a consistent pattern and is not healthy at all. You deserve better than that.

[DerektheDomino]

I hear you about the consistent behavior. However we hit bit of a rut in the relationship. I thought things were going well since we moved out, perhaps we could have communicated more...we were just running out of things to say to each other...we kind of needed a vacation to be honest. Recharge our batteries.

 

However its just a shock she would leave me like she did, I believed in everything she said...I guess I should of saw this thing coming.

 

She seems alot happier with this new person, but I wonder if she ever looks back and thinks about the love we once shared with each other. I wrote her a letter yesterday warning her about this guy rebounding on her from a 21 year marriage and I also how I will always love you blah blah, she read it...but she hasn't told me what she thought of it yet.

 

I should probably give up hope and try to move on. It's hard because we used to do everything together, and now its gone.

[Amore]

I noticed the behavior pattern immediately because she reminds me very much of myself when I was in high school. The initial spark and excitement in a relationship doesn't last forever and I found myself feeling like things were "dying" in my long term relationships. However, instead of trying to communicate with my partner and rekindle the flame, I started emotionally pursuing other potential love interests. I just loved the initial excitement when you first got to know a person. I did this TWICE to one of my boyfriends, begged for him back, and he took me back both times. I was young and confused - I wasn't trying to hurt anyone or be malicious in any way, but this definitely isn't adult-like behavior.

 

I only changed after my boyfriend broke up with me and I found out he was pursuing my roommate while still with me. This pain hurt immensely and I never wanted to inflict it on anyone ever again. I took a long break from relationships and took a lot of time just reflecting on my selfish behavior and growing up. I learned to recognize the difference between the initial excitement of falling in love and the feeling of true, deep love.

 

I don't think your ex is a bad person, and I think she does still have feelings for you (based on the fact that she's come back to your place, kissed you, etc.) However, I don't think a relationship with her could ever, ever work out until she changes. When you're engaged and love another person, you don't suddenly leave them for someone else because things are "in a rut." It's unrealistic for that butterflies feeling in your stomach to last forever. When you love someone, you communicate and work on your problems and issues together. That's what love is, and she needs to realize that. Unfortunately, that's out of your control.

[Ms Darcy]

This is one of those unfortunate situations where they say: if they can cheat with you, they can cheat on you. Sorry bud.

[DerektheDomino]

Thanks for the respones guys, and I'm with you 100% Amore. I tried explaining that to her, but I guess she has been done with me for some time before and waited for the next guy to sweep her off her feet.

 

My friend predicted this would happen in the first week we started dating too. I ignored him and fell into love blindly.

[faithful14]

I think she has no idea what in the world she is doing. It seems that when the relationship isn't new and exciting anymore, she looks elsewhere for that new excitement you get in the beginning of the relationship.

 

It's very hurtful what she did to you and I'm not saying that's her excuse but I think she doesn't really understand what it means to be in a relationship. Yeah the passion and excitement do die down after a while but it doesn't mean you can't work at it and find different ways to bring it back to life again. She seems to think its okay to just find that excitement by being with someone new.

[nomad0792]

Wow...so sorry to hear this man.

 

My ex was so in love with me and then wanted space. No matter what I said, she didn't want to work it out. I tried everything for about a month...letters, flowers, cute notes, acting cool and supportive...but, the longer this went on, the further she seemed to be getting from me. It was killing me as I didn't know where she was til 5 am in the morning. I never knew if she was with someone like you have found out, and I know that's been very hard on you as it would for any of us. The pain is unbearable...so I know how you feel. So...then...

 

...I made the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I walked away...

 

It's been hard, but there was nothing else I could do.

 

YOU will have to find the strength to remove the pain, and that will come thru hardcore NC. This is just my opinion, but it's enabled me to respect myself and thus others respecting me...maybe one day even my ex. Otherwise, I risked deeper pain.

 

It's been 4.5 months for me and I'm in a better place now. I wish u the best of luck man, and this girl definitely does not deserve your love. Unless you have been unfaithful or been abusive, there is no reason for her actions...unacceptable man. You will walk thru the fire, but this woman will only cause you more pain if you continue with her. Stay on this site and vent here when you feel down. You can do it...I did and many others in here are going thru something very similar.

 

Keep telling yourself that she really f**ked up and walk away. I promise you it will make her think. Doesn't mean she'll come back, but DON'T give her a safety net. More than likely the crap she's getting herself into with this new guy will not last and she will find herself in an unfamiliar place...and you don't want to be her fall guy.

 

Okay brother...best of luck to you man!!!!

[whattodo87]

I know it's hard but you MUST let her go. When a person cheats, they're not a cheater forever, but I don't believe they can be faithful to that particular person again. Cheating the first time is the hardest. After that it's not so hard, especially if they know they can get away with it.

 

I know it's really hard, but you need to let go and move on. This will never be a healthy relationship. The trust is gone.

[DerektheDomino]

What's bad about this is she wants to still live in the place for another 6 weeks until she can find another apartment with this guy. She's on the same lease with me, so its hard to remove the pain when I would see her everyday.

 

It kills me like this morning when she says things like "I really enjoy your company" and "Good morning sunshine"

 

Just stop you know? It hurts even more when you say these things.

 

I can't just get up and walk away unfourtantley.

[HeartGoesOn]

She's doing the same thing to you that she did to the other guy, whom she left for you. Anyone who will cheat with you, will cheat on you.

[DerektheDomino]

I sat down with her today and she revealed some things to me that I did not know. She said she still loves me and she wants to work things out in the relationship but can't right now because she would feel it would be a cycle (good for 3 months then back downhill again). She said she just needs some space and that I need some dating experience (she is my first love) but I told her she will always have my heart and I will always love her, whereupon she was crying when I said this and she wished I had said these things earlier on...to show her that I took interest.

 

She said she didn't leave me like her ex, she left me because she was unhappy and someone else showed her how unhappy she was. She tried to make things work, buying relationship books but I never bothered to take interest because I thought we were working. However I should of taken the hint that things probably weren't working in her mind.

 

She keeps saying how sorry she is about all this, but says she's gotta do whats best for her. I mean what do I really have to combat this?

[Amore]

She said she didn't leave me like her ex, she left me because she was unhappy and someone else showed her how unhappy she was. She tried to make things work, buying relationship books but I never bothered to take interest because I thought we were working. However I should of taken the hint that things probably weren't working in her mind.

 

This is why communication in a relationship is so important. Did she ever sit down with you, say she's unhappy, and try to work through the problems she has? From your posts, I gather that she hasn't. Don't blame yourself and say that you should've figured out what she was thinking. No one's a mind reader. All of the relationship books in the world are meaningless if she never brought this up to you before she started doing things with this other guy.

 

Furthermore, she was your fiancee, she agreed to marry you, and yet she was pursuing another relationship behind your back. This shows a lack of respect for relationships, promises, and fidelity on her part. Again, not your fault. Adults don't promise to marry each other, then pursue someone else and say that you need more dating experience. This is absolutely not the mature way to handle issues and commitment.

 

Although I know you love her immensely and I know you're in a lot of pain, my advice is to stay way from her until she grows up and learns to respect relationships and commitment. Please don't blame this on yourself. We're all here for you.

[DerektheDomino]

This is why communication in a relationship is so important. Did she ever sit down with you, say she's unhappy, and try to work through the problems she has? From your posts, I gather that she hasn't. Don't blame yourself and say that you should've figured out what she was thinking. No one's a mind reader. All of the relationship books in the world are meaningless if she never brought this up to you before she started doing things with this other guy.

 

Well when she first broke up with me she said that she didn't know how to communicate her feelings. But now she said she tried to communicate them too me, however I guess I should of taken the hint of her fighting with me, and getting these relationship books that their was a problem. I just wish we could of sat down, and figured what was wrong and how we can fix it.

 

Furthermore, she was your fiancee, she agreed to marry you, and yet she was pursuing another relationship behind your back. This shows a lack of respect for relationships, promises, and fidelity on her part. Again, not your fault. Adults don't promise to marry each other, then pursue someone else and say that you need more dating experience. This is absolutely not the mature way to handle issues and commitment.

 

How do I communicate something like this to my ex in the nicest way possible? Because that's the right way you should look at being engaged to be married you know?

 

Although I know you love her immensely and I know you're in a lot of pain, my advice is to stay way from her until she grows up and learns to respect relationships and commitment. Please don't blame this on yourself. We're all here for you.

 

Yeah however I can't help the feeling that I could of done more to save the relationship you know?

[DerektheDomino]

Anyone have any other suggestions?

[Amore]

It's completely natural for you to feel like you did something wrong and could have done more to save the relationship after being broken up with - I've definitely felt that way after being dumped in the past. The best thing you can do for yourself right now though is to really realize that this isn't your fault. She's being wishy-washy and trying to place some of her guilt on you, by first admitting she has communication problems and then later saying you should have taken her hints. Like I said before, you're not a mind reader. Picking fights isn't the adult, mature way of communicating unhappiness. Sitting down with your partner, opening up, and expressing your feelings and concerns is a hard thing to do. She took the easy way out and instead bailed to find someone else. Once again, this isn't your fault. Please try the best to can to realize that. Relationship books do nothing if she wasn't taking the advice in them - I guarantee that every book spoke of the importance of open communication with your partner. Buying the books and hoping you'll take the hint and assume she's unhappy isn't the purpose of them, after all!

 

If you're looking to tell your ex-fiancee that essentially she needs to grow up and respect relationships and love, don't expect that it will change anything. This is a realization and transformation that she has to undergo herself, and I think she needs time away from relationships to realize that. While it could probably be good for her to hear this from someone, I wouldn't be surprised if it backfired in your face and she got super defensive. If she comes back to you, looking for comfort/more kisses/whatever, I think it would be appropriate to say something along these lines to her. I don't think it would be a good idea to contact her just to get your thoughts out, however.

[DerektheDomino]

Thanks for your response Amore, it is really helpful.

 

However she insists that getting back to me would repeat a cycle of happiness and unhappiness, I guess there is nothing I can do to convince her that it won't happen again.

[DerektheDomino]

I bought her flowers and coffee which she appreciated but felt so guilty because of how nice I have been to her.

 

Whereas I still feel like I get * * * * ted on. Damn I wish I could just move on, but its so hard when I love her as much as I do.

[DerektheDomino]

Last night I overheard her talking to someone on the phone about the whole age thing and everyone at her work is talking * * * * about her. Obviously its affecting her, and she was telling the guy she was googling answers if it was right to date someone 20 years older than her

 

My honest opinion?

 

How can you share experiences with someone that much older? I mean at 20 years old, you should be sharing your trials and tribulations just like someone in that age group is. Someone in their 40s has already established their life, and what have you, so you can't really relate with experience.

[Rob1000]

I think you know what is best for you, but you are going against your better judgement because you love her so much. This girl is crapping on you big style and you're taking it full on the chin. Unless you do something to save yourself, she is going to continue crapping on you, and it's going to hurt more and more and more. I wish you the best my friend.

[DerektheDomino]

Exactly Rob, I know what was best for me but like you said its because I love her so much which is stopping me from changing.

 

I want to talk to her tonite and let her know that its too painful to be friends with her. Is that a good idea?

[DerektheDomino]

What I'll say is this:

"Look (her name), as you know i love you very much however I feel it is the best thing for me to not be friends anymore. When i look at you I feel too much pain, the someone I loved is no longer with me and seeing you everyday causes me alot of pain. the person I shared my dreams and future with is no longer going to be apart of it but like I said seeing you brings up the hurt that I have been going through. I understand that you will be residing here for 6 weeks, however I would like to keep the communication to a bare mininum (only discuss paying rent, bills etc). In order for me to heal and move on with my life, I feel it is best to be disconnected from you. This decision is not an easy one for me, but I know it is the best thing I have to do. I need to find someone within my age group that will want to go through the trials and tribulations of growing up and will want to be committed to me no matter the hardship. I feel as though you are with someone that has already established their life and has much more experience with life but I think that you will not be able to relate because of the obstacles that you will face when you reach the age that he is at now. Anyway I apologize for saying I will always be your friend, and I have tried my very best effort to do so but I can't do this anymore. I hope you understand where I am coming from, and wish you the best of luck in your life and I also forgive you for any wrongdoing you have done to me. Goodbye."

 

Is that too harsh?

[Ms Darcy]

Here is what I would write instead.

 

"(Her name), in order for me to heal and move on it is best for me for us to not be friends anymore. For the next 6 weeks I would like to keep the communication to a bare mininum (only discuss paying rent, bills etc). I hope you understand. Best of luck in your life."

[DerektheDomino]

Why did you shorten it up like that?