A fruit case of issues

[dolcemano]

Really could use some helpfull advice here.

 

Story is a bit long and has a lot of things in it but I'll try to be a short as I can.

 

I've just ended a 3 year relatinship with gf. Small thing was the "trigger" but I was not able to fool myself in false hoping and expectations no more.

 

I've gotten in this relationship in a very tough and volatile period of my life. My father got i'll at the beggining of it, and passed away 4 months later. I've graduated and started working in a job which is a lot stressful to me, and also I've had and still have a lot of family issues to deal with.

 

As I am by nature a bit low self esteemed, and due the situations in my life, I've held on that relationship even I was inside myself on some level aware that It is bad for me, and has not much future. Hope and believing that some things will change was mostly from that part of myself.

 

I'll try to picture what things happened in that 3 years.

 

I've spent 2 hours on the evening before my fathers funeral talking with her how it is difficult for her to come to the funeral. I understood that this situation can be difficult for her. Even to the extent that she , as self focused as she is, didn't take the time to simply be beside me in that situation. She came, and that was mostly the all support from her in that situation. In my understanding of how big problem it is for her, I've put aside my need for support from her, I even told her to come with her friend if it will be easier to her that way. Later, she only talked how hard it was for her, I understood.

 

She studys a relatively hard collage, and she talked almost all the time, how tough is it, and how it is the toughest collage. Even underestimated all other collages and proffesions, even mine. I understood that is hard to her, and that it is hard to study away from hometown.

 

I understood that she lacks of seeing my problems, and that I have to tell her if I need support from her, even if it is dead obviusly. I understood that she doesn't know what to tell me or how to support me, and the support from her was not what I expected.

 

I understood that she is afraid of side effects of hormones from taking contraception pills, even she told me she will start taking them. 5 times she said she will, 5 times she didn't do it. I understood each time.

 

I understood, each time when I was waiting the waiter to pay the bill in caffe, that it was uncomfortable for her to wait beside me, and why she each time headed to the exit.

 

I understood her being late for 2-3 minutes each time I went to pick her up, I understood and I've waited.

 

I understood her when she questioned why I don't want to talk about some things with her. Things I found too hard to talk with anyone, too hard to even think about it.

 

When I talked about things that bother me, she would only give me explanation why she does or doesn not do something. Some thing will stop for a while, but then she would start doing it again.

 

This is the small list of things, there were a lot of other things I understood, things in which I've put aside my feelings and needs in order to understood and be there for her. Things in which I've put myself in and almost never got something back.

 

I consider myself a giving person, and i feel that by staying in this relationship giving all and geting almost nothing I've run out of everything. I feel that I have to "measure" all that I give and receive. Not only in romantic relationship, but in small thing. And that is not what I want to be and what I were. I've became extremly cynical, which I never was.

 

I've broken up with her 2 days ago. Her reaction was pretty cold. "Ok." "My earings are at yours place" was pretty much the all I got from her.

 

Since then, my feelings are in a rollercoster. I go from numb to agitated, from depression to feeling ok. Right now I feel like somebody literaly pulled all from inside me, made a big hole. It is like I am feeling all the hurt, the rage, the pain I've put aside mixed together in this moment. I can not concetrate on anything. For one moment I want to call her to scream at her, for one moment I want to ask her Why?, why can't you give back. I am a bit afraid of those feelings, as it seems I cannot quite control them.

 

I don't want to get back to her, not even remotely. I've given more than enough chances to any change. Although in a short period yesterday, my low self esteem broke out and that thought arise for a while.

 

I want to get rid of this mixed feelings and pain, I want to be able to give out again. To give all to someone who will give back. I want to let this rage and pain that is inside me.

 

 

I feel that even writing this has helped, but I really need some good advice....

[AutumnBorn]

My advice is to go to work, volunteer in your community, learn to play an instrument or join a theater group....live your life to the fullest and without her. It is the only way to move on; the only way to find the genuine love of your life.

 

I'm so sorry that she was so cold and unconcerned about you. You call these incidents small things. They are not small when you look at the big picture. Her emotions are superficial. She's too self-absorbed, as you said. How can she truly care about anyone? You deserved more. You deserved better treatment from her. Her issues have little to do with you, but everything to do with her, how she was raised, her personal history. Right now she will only bring misery to her mate, no matter who it is.

 

I loved a man much like her for a long, long time. I met him in 1982. I divorced him in 2008. I wish I had taken action on what you term the "little things" early on in the relationship. You are looking at a mountain, but you're looking at it one stone at a time. The problem is much bigger than you think.

 

As I said, go live your life and do good things. Live well. Don't look back - there will only be pain there.. The sooner you start letting go, the sooner you start healing. One day this woman may think of you as the one who got away. I hope you do get away. There's hell ahead, if you go back.