came on too strong - over before it started

[msfoolish]

I just had the shortest relationship ever!! well not really a relationship, but was dating a guy for a few weeks. He seemed really into me and feelings hit me like a whirlwind. i didnt mean it to happen like that it just did, but i got the feeling he was open to it progressing.

 

He cooked me dinner several times, text me all the time sayin he couldnt wait to see me, told me i was beautiful and that sex was amazing (probably di this too soon but it just felt right)

 

Then one night we went out and i had too much to drink and told him i was starting to get feelings for him BIG MISTAKE!!! He said it was ok and that we could carry on like before and that it was a bit soon so i thought it would be ok.

 

Things for me felt a bit odd after that so i decided to explain where i was comin from when i was sober, told him i thought he was great and admired his qualities etc and liked him alot and hoped it hadnt done any lasting damage and that i was having a great time with him.

 

This too was a mistake even tho i wasnt tryin to say i was in love with him i was tryin to explain what i meant. anyway as soon as i said this he said sorry its over. He didnt ever want to be in love again and that he still had feeling for his ex maybe. This was a real shock as i thought we were gettin on so well. We both then went out and ended up at the same party, we had words and it ended up in me being very upset and looking like and feeling like a total fool.

 

I'm quite upset and i kind of miss him really, He rang me the day after the break up to see if i was ok and i got a little bit upset but we just left it that we'll see each other soon. Theres been no contact since and i havent attempted to call or text or anything. I think he's great but dont want someone who has feelings for someone else. Just thought maybe that was just him sayin that so he could bail easily. Ugh listen to myself!!??

 

Just cant help thinking things may have been ok if only i hadnt rushed things.

I feel a little bit stupid and humiliated too. I also feel a little bit angry at him cos i fell he lead me on a little bit, also i had a bad break up over a year ago now and have really had to work on myself to get over it and really felt ready to start dating again. i feel like he shouldnt have started things with me if he felt like that about his ex. I thought id just moved too fast and scared him. Didnt have any idea he still had feelings for her.

 

Any thoughts on this situation would be appreciated (i know i behaved like an idiot, but do u think i should pursue anything at all with this guy if for some reason he ever gets in contact, or should i drop him a text or something in a few days sayin sorry i rushed things and maybe can we start over?)

 

Thanks

[Traveler27]

Firstly, I don't think anything you did or said sounds foolish. You were obviously connecting on both an emotional and physical level with this guy, and I'm sure you wouldn't have expressed some of your feelings had you not received some signals from him. It sounds as though he was misleading you in a way perhaps, although that's just a guess based upon what you wrote.

 

I definitely don't think it's a good idea to contact him. If he wants to contact you because he misses you, then he will. You've already made it clear to him how you feel. I just wouldn't reach out as it may make you feel a lot worse if you don't get a response. Sometimes these "whirlwind" relationships/romances happen, so don't second guess or beat yourself up. He doesn't sound ready for a commitment, so it's better that you found out now before falling for him even deeper.

 

PS- I had the opposite happen just recently. The guy came on very strong, very fast and it left me very confused and skeptical. Eventually I gave in to his feelings, and he withdrew emotionally and physically before the relationship ever even got really established. I was so hurt initially, but it's been better. You'll feel better soon too. Just don't contact him!! Good luck.

[lostandhurt]

This could be a good thing.

What if you spent 6 months with him or longer and he was still hung up on his ex and then you find out he doesn't want to be in love again.

 

You may have done yourself a favor.

You can't force him to do anything. If it was that great he will miss you. Give him a chance though......

 

Lost

[msfoolish]

Yeah i know its best this happened now and not later. guess i just felt so good around him and liked him so much it was a shock that i must have completely misread everything.

 

Its only been 4 days since we last spoke so i wont contact him, but know i'll see him at the weekend as we live in a very small town. Guess i'll just have to hold my head up and smile sweetly and say hi and just be my usual fun self ( on the outside of course, on the inside i'll be soooo embarrassed and still a little sad )

[HeartGoesOn]

You can save yourself a lot of heartache by allowing yourself time to get to know the other person, and see if you're a good match before jumping in so fast.

[msfoolish]

Yeah like i said i ddint mean to get feelings so soon for him and really did feel like they were reciprocated, otherwise theres no way i wouldve even mentioned anything if it felt like it was only ever gonna be a casual thing

[uhohlala]

Yeah like i said i ddint mean to get feelings so soon for him and really did feel like they were reciprocated, otherwise theres no way i wouldve even mentioned anything if it felt like it was only ever gonna be a casual thing

 

Honestly I don't think that you need to beat yourself up about "misreading" him. It sounds to me like he was selfishly careless in his interaction with you. Should you have been a bit more cautious, should you have established with him at the outset what each of you were looking for? Sure, maybe; it's always better to clarify than to assume you know where the other person is coming from. But someone who doesn't want to get involved in a serious relationship shouldn't be acting like that's where he's headed: making dinner for you many times, etc. -- that's acting like a boyfriend. If he was so clear in his own mind that he didn't want a full-on relationship with you he should have been more careful to keep it casual.

 

It's the flip side of the guy who says he wants a committed relationship but then acts like he's still single. People can change their minds, sure, but in that case they recognize that they owe the other person an explanation and an apology. Point is, he is the one at fault, for not behaving in accordance with what he ultimately wants. You weren't delusional for thinking that there was something significant between the two of you. He should be ashamed of himself for leading you down the garden path. What a loser.

[msfoolish]

Ah thanks, I'm not sure he lead me on intentionally, but it still hurt and i did act all needy and a bit looney so thinks it 50/50 really. Think i just feel its a shame cos i was under the impression it could have been good.

 

Shows how wrong u can be doesnt it, I obviously got carried away with how i was feeling and didnt really consider he might not feel the same. Stupid really.

 

and ive been single for a long time and just really felt ready to be with someone, perhaps that came accross as desperate.

 

He would have contacted me if he'd have wanted to so guess its really not something he wants

[annie24]

This could be a good thing.

What if you spent 6 months with him or longer and he was still hung up on his ex and then you find out he doesn't want to be in love again.

 

You may have done yourself a favor.

You can't force him to do anything. If it was that great he will miss you. Give him a chance though......

 

Lost

 

i agree!!!

 

and you know what, if you have sex with a guy, then tell him you have feelings for him, he should feel happy, not scared. it is good that you found out sooner rather than later that he was hung up on his ex. i don't see that you did anything wrong really. you just told a guy you had feelings for him and if he runs away because of that? blah. he's not worth your time. i'm sure if he was really into you, he would have liked to hear those things out of your mouth.

[msfoolish]

Yeah if he'd have been into me he would have been pleased i guess. Its not like he didnt know what i was about before he started seeing me. He knows i dont sleep around or go out with just anyone.

 

I suppose i was a little bit insulted too, like 'what wrong with me? why wouldnt u want me to like u or like me back?'

 

Ah well back to the drawing board! lol

[lavenderdove]

No, you didn't ruin it before it went anywhere, because he already knew in advance he wasn't going to let it go anywhere to begin with, and that he was still hung up on his ex. You just didn't know that, because he hadn't disclosed it yet.

 

I actually think this is a good thing, because you discovered that he only wanted casual dating before you got in really deep.

 

If he only likes relationships that are 'light' and not serious, you could be getting more and more serious and involved, while he thought he was just having fun with no intention to get serious.

 

So the good thing is you found out where you stand with him. You didn't scare him away, because he wasn't really all that present to begin with, if he only intended to keep it light with no real commitment/future in mind.

 

I know you really liked him, but if that's where his head is, he's better off gone.

[msfoolish]

I'm so angry right now!!!!! He talked to my fiend in the pub (always in the pub) he told her i was scary and emtional and made him feel backed into a corner. He siad i saw a relationship where there was none, which is probably right, however thats what most people would see if your cooking for them and texting them sayin u cant wait to see them and telling them they are beautiful etc. this did nt seem like a hook up!

 

The thing is after the first time i mentioned anything about me liking him, the only thing he heard, was what he wanted to hear, read so much more into what should heave been a normal conversation to clear the air!!! He just heard oh god she wants a full blown relationship and has feelings for me! Aaaargh!!!

 

When i explained i liked him cos he's a great guy and was having a great time, he must have translated this into, I'm a bunny boiler and I'm trying to trick u into a relationship with me!!!

 

Then he told my friend he just want to go back to how it was when we were friends. Well thats ok but before we can be friends (its not gonna be like it was before, but we can be civil and say hi) I need the chance to explain myself so i dont feel so misunderstood, Its not fair that he's just heard what he wanted to and is now telling my friends what he thinks i'm like (basic translation- an emotional nutter)

 

I text him and said, If we're gonna be friends then i think we ned a quick chat just to clear the air so its not awkward when we see eachother out, to which he hasnt replied. Well why the hell say u want to be friends then????

 

I feel so misunderstood and its sooo frustrating!!!! I never said I'm in love with u marry or anything for gawd sake!!! Now it seems anything i say is gonna be misconstrued and taken as another attempt to trap him inot something he doesnt want!!! Its not! I genuinely want to clear the air now and definitely dont want to be involved with someone who doesnt want to be with me or who is unable to listen and more importantly, 'hear' what i have to say!

 

What a bloody disaster!!!!! I hate being the topic of conversation in pubs!!! Totally embarrassing and mortifying!!!! Ugh!!!

 

Thanks for the vent! lol

[lavenderdove]

Did you have sex with him? If you were going out with him and having sex, then you have every right to think he was dating you, and if he was just using you for sex in a FWB situation and expected you to somehow guess that without him telling you first, then he was wrong.

 

He probably made a pre-emptive strike because he was afraid you'd tell people he'd done you wrong by sleeping with you then blowing you off. So i wouldn't try to be friends with him at all, just tell people that he is mistaken, and that your assumption was you were dating because you went out on dates and slept together, and it's his problem if he thought he could just use you for sex then pretend like it was YOUR problem when you expected more from him. And that if he doesn't stop calling you a nutter, you'll sue him for slander.

 

If he is actually saying you're a nutter or a bunny boiler, then i'd tell him very clearly if he says anything like that again, you'll hire an attorney and sue him for slander, because you're not a nutter, you are just someone who assumed you were dating and was very suprised to learn he was just using you for sex. And if he assumed you were just hooking up with no intentions to actually date you, then it was his mistake to not tell you all he wanted was a friend with benefits in the first place.

[lavenderdove]

btw, that is the lowest kind of person, who starts dating you, has sex with you, then suddenly pretends you were only friends and hence you have no claim on him or are a nutter or stalker because you expected more from him.

 

He's just behaving badly and using girls, then trying to pretend they are the one with the problem when really he is the one having sex with them and leading them on.

[annie24]

^^^ i agree with LD. cooking together, having dates, sweet texts and having sex? that sounds like a relationship to me! or at least dating. i don't think you are a bunny boiler for telling a guy you are having sex with that you like him. i should HOPE you like the guys you have sex with!!!! ugh. i think he's just trying to look 'cool' to his friends. blah!!!! i wouldn't even be his friend if he's going to say crap about you.

[msfoolish]

Thanks guys! Yeah we did go out, for night on the town, cooked me dinner, went to the cinema, and yes had sex!

 

I realise its my fault cos i probably did look like a crazy woman when i got upset ( we were both drunk) I did try to put things right but ended up looking more like a bunny boiler in the end, as he only heard what he thought i was saying not what i actually meant.

 

I tried to apologise, not to get him back just to explain myself and clear the air but i guess this is just the way its gonna be.

 

We live in such a small town i'm so embarrassed i dont even want to go out this weekend with my friends cos i feel i've humiliated myself for getting upset (rather publicly at a party) then having him say stuff like that and completely getting the wroong end of the stick!!!

 

lesson 1 dont get drunk

lesson 2 keep your mouth shut if u like a guy too early!!!

 

Thanks for the supprt guys x

[annie24]

someone told me that if you meet someone in england, and you hook up, it is assumed you are in a relationship together. now, correct me if i'm wrong, but isn't that the 'typical' thing over there? (vs. in the us, you're not really together unless you've explicitly had the conversation)