Am I helping or hurting him in the long run?

[shellderella]

Hi,

 

Background: I have been on/off with my boyfriend for five years. I believe he has some emotional issues but refuses professional assistance. He came from a not good family (no support, consistancy, etc). I love him a lot, but I don't think he feels the same about me anymore, or knows how he feels about anything.

 

He currently lives with me in the house I own, and while he has a job, it isn't enough to cover his basic needs. So right now he pays his own bills (debt, car) and helps a bit with groceries. I pay for mortgage and utilities and such.

 

He is very much a "man's man" where as I am a moderate feminist. I think he resents the fact that I provide for him currently. He is also pretty immature, kinda stuck in "guyland".

 

Our relationship doesn't really exist anymore. He was a loving boyfriend before, with our problems we solved, but now there is zero communication or affection or anything. He also shows little to no appreciation for what I do for him... I've come to terms with this. I'll deal.

 

My question is: Am I doing more harm than good by helping him out right now? I don't want to dump him and kick him out: he has nowhere else to go. I want to show support for him until he is able to make it on his own. I still love him, regardless of our relationship. But at the same time, I don't want to destroy his self esteem to the point he thinks he's can't take care of himself.

 

Am I helping or hurting him? Will he appreciate all I do for him later in life? Or will he resent me for it? Any opinions anyone?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think the more appropriate question is "Am I doing more harm than good to MYSELF by helping someone who doesn't treat me right, doesn't seem to care about me and doesn't sort out his own problems? If you leave him, he will simply find someone else to help him rather than standing on his own two feet. This relationship has been off and on for 5 years...how are you feeling about it?

[shellderella]

Honestly, this isn't about me.

 

I am ok. Am I happy with the relationship? No. But I have accepted that there isn't really one to speak of. I still love my life, my job, my friends, the sports I play. I'm still happy. I get a little down around him, yeah, but not to the point where I'm unhappy with my life.

 

He won't find someone else to support him. He won't reach out to anyone for help, he is too proud. That's a big worry. He would probably end up on the streets. I do not want him to fall through the cracks.

 

So thanks, but I'd like some help on the original question, not my personal wellbeing.

[DN]

Is he trying to get a better job, better education etc?

 

What were his financial circumstances when you moved in together?

[shellderella]

He would like to join the military or law enforcement, neither of which are recruting right now here. So he's kinda stuck until they do. He would have to do expensive upgrading to go to post secondary, and doesn't want to take on more debt.

 

He has a pretty substancial debt load due to him moving out at 16 to escape his home life, and often having to suppot himself on credit to be able to finish high school.

 

I am not charging him rent and he is putting that money towards paying off his debt.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Honestly, this isn't about me.

 

I am ok. Am I happy with the relationship? No. But I have accepted that there isn't really one to speak of. I still love my life, my job, my friends, the sports I play. I'm still happy. I get a little down around him, yeah, but not to the point where I'm unhappy with my life.

 

He won't find someone else to support him. He won't reach out to anyone for help, he is too proud. That's a big worry. He would probably end up on the streets. I do not want him to fall through the cracks.

 

So thanks, but I'd like some help on the original question, not my personal wellbeing.

 

Honestly you are actually hurting yourself in the long run as you are being a fixer, co-dependent and a martyr. You might feel great now but as the years go on it will end up wearing you down..plenty of women have gone down the path you are going and it rarely ends happily for them..they get worn out, burnt out, resentful etc. I know you don't want to hear it but it needs to be said.

 

To answer your question....enabling someone's destructive tendencies hurts them in the long run because they never learn to stand on their own two feet. Sometimes a person has to hit rock bottom before they build themselves back up and become stronger. I have seen people who have never grown up and never learned how to fend for themself and deal with life's issues...and they are totally dysfuntional in their senior years, don't know how to do things because someone else always did it for them.

[itsallgrand]

I'd be inclined to think this isn't helping him in the long run.

 

First: there is lots he could be doing, but he is not. Seeking professional help, is one. Finding other forms of assistance besides you, is two. Putting the pride aside to deal with reality, there is three.

 

Sure, life might not be as comfy for him as it is now if you break up with him and part ways. But is it absolutely essential he have a car? Ok, I know how expensive having a vehicle in Alberta is! So even maybe he has to move to a cheaper part of the country...well, he is a grown up and he has that choice.

 

But I do think it sort of a blow to both of your dignity, but especially his, when it's like one partner is the grown up and the other the child. And a man, or woman for that matter, grown - who wants their partner to do things out of pity? That IS a kick in the self esteem department, I would say, even if he sticks it out bc he doesn't want to lose the sweet set up he has with you.

 

I left home early too out of necessity, I had lots of problems, I ate rice n' tuna and went without a vehicle and worked - - he has challenges, but nothing he can't handle....will he end up on the streets?!....if he does, it sounds like that is more a matter of choice...this is Canada, there are opportunities....so he can't live in a nice house...

 

I do think you don't have to just up and cut him off on the spot...but have a discussion about how much you care about him, offer to help him get on his feet out of the house, find a way to do it ....

 

But if he is a "man's man", how is it he is so willing to allow a woman to provide for him? That seems contradictory to all I've ever known about "man's men" who stereotypically, want to be the ones providing for their girl.

 

People need their choices respected and dignity, even when it hurts to watch them make crap choices...they are his to make...and it's obvious you would do whatever in your means to support him....but that doesn't mean you have to support crap choices; only respect them as his to make.

 

just my opinion.

[agent1607307371]

But if he is a "man's man", how is it he is so willing to allow a woman to provide for him? That seems contradictory to all I've ever known about "man's men" who stereotypically, want to be the ones providing for their girl.

 

That was my first thought.

 

OP, what is his job? Is he doing anything to get something that will allow him some dignity? Because working for pocket money while the women you aren't that into anymore pays your way isn't dignified.

 

He has an easy set up. He is not going to go anywhere while you are his pillow. You will just pour money into keeping someone who has no gratitude for it.

[DN]

He would like to join the military or law enforcement, neither of which are recruting right now here. So he's kinda stuck until they do. He would have to do expensive upgrading to go to post secondary, and doesn't want to take on more debt.

 

He has a pretty substancial debt load due to him moving out at 16 to escape his home life, and often having to suppot himself on credit to be able to finish high school.

 

I am not charging him rent and he is putting that money towards paying off his debt.

Seems like he's had a pretty rough life having to try and manage on his own at 16. Many 16 year olds would have caved under that sort of pressure - he seems to have coped reasonably well for a kid.

 

If he were supporting you because you had been/were in a similar situation would you expect him to abandon you?

[HeartGoesOn]

Since he "refuses professional assistance", then yes, you are hurting him, because you're standing by him while he refuses to help himself.

[shellderella]

To answer the "man's man" question, he doesn't like it. I think he resnts me for it somewhat. I think he see's no other option that to put up with it for now until he can find something better paying.

 

He currently only makes about $15/hr, which is decent money, but doesn't go far with high interest debt to pay. And he is required to have a vehicle to do the job; the only reason he has one.

 

He was told from a very young age that professional mental help is a weakness and to do so is unacceptable. So no, my leaving him will not force him into that, and yes, him being on the streets because of it is a possiblity.

 

But thank you all for your opinions on the matter. I am leaning on the idea that I may not be helping him so much after all. As much as I don't want him to fail or be unhappy, maybe if he is for a while, he really can find that happiness. I just wish I didn't have to see him suffer to do so. But I can't stand in the way of it any longer... he's been unhappy too long with no other obvious reason to it. I don't want to be that reason.

 

I'm not sure how to comminucate this to him... he seems to have no opinions on anything (or just unwilling to communicate any to me) so I can't even really ask him what he wants. His reply is always "I dunno." I really don't think he does know. I don't want to make deicisions for him, but he really leaves me with no option right? If things aren't getting better after so long... Sigh.

 

Life is hard, thanks everyone

[shellderella]

Seems like he's had a pretty rough life having to try and manage on his own at 16. Many 16 year olds would have caved under that sort of pressure - he seems to have coped reasonably well for a kid.

 

If he were supporting you because you had been/were in a similar situation would you expect him to abandon you?

 

That's what causing me so much grief in the decision...

 

I don't want to abandon him, but I don't want him to be unhappy with me providing either.

 

Seem's kinda lose-lose