Am I psycho mom?

[Catdancer]

I know this may offend some people, but that's not my intent. So, bear with me...this is about what I want for my son. I waited until the age of 35 to have my son. He is the only child that I will have. I only want one child so that I can give him everything that he can possibly want. And yes, I do mean financially as well as mentally, physically and spiritually. I grew up with a single mom and absent father. My mom worked full time and went to school full time and she was so exhausted and so broke. There were times when we went to a friend's house because we had no food and she would give us veggies out of her garden. After the age of 13, things looked up and we had more money. This is what I do not want my son to go through. I NEVER want him to worry about money. My mom set up a trust fund for him that should have over a million dollars in it by the time he is 18. It is set up so that he gets disbursements until the age of 30. So it's not all given to him lump sum. I also set up an account for him so that when he is a teenager and wants something, he can have it. I guess I'm paying him an allowance that goes into his account. I also got him a debit card for his account. I know, I'm crazy. His account is his money. Now my son is only 12 months old, so there is plenty of time for his money to add up. And I hope to never have to say no to him because of money. As it is now, everytime he and I go shopping, which is about once a week, I buy him something. I dont care what it is, if he likes it, he gets it. I fear that I am setting myself up to have a spoiled child. Oh hell, who am I kidding, he is spoiled. lol But I am perfectly happy with that because I am able to spoil him. Which makes me estatic. lol I have plans for him as well. At the age of 3, he will start swimming lessons and continue with those for as long as he wants. He has already expressed interest and is working with his daddy on playing guitar, so we want to further that as he gets older. At the age of 5, he will start martial arts training. I also would like for him to dabble in sports, specifically baseball and football. If he doesnt have a desire for these things, then that's ok, but I would like for him to try. I want him to be social. I want him to be outgoing and the life of the party. I want him to be the popular kid that everyone wants to be. I dont want him to ever have to work, either through high school or college. I want him to be able to sit back and enjoy being a kid all the way up until the age of 21 or 22, or whenever he is done with school, etc. I know that most parents have goals and such for their kids, but I am determined to carry out as much as I can. I dont want him to be the shy kid or the one that everyone picks on. He is very charismatic and a total charmer, even now. He is smart and so very good looking. So, he doesnt have an introverted personality, which I'm thankful for, as his dad and I are total extroverts. He is very comfortable with people and loves to be the center of attention and he loves to make people laugh. I can see this being his personality as he grows up. If he keeps on this same track, then he will definitely be the most popular guy in school.

 

So, are my goals and plans for my son unrealistic? Am I setting us up for disappointment or the like? How do I instill pride and working for what you want, without him ever having to get a job? In a way I want him to be a spolied "trust fund" kid, but I dont want him to be one of those either, as I dont want him to be arrogant, condescending, patronizing or just snotty to others. So, how do I find the balance?

[metrogirl]

I think it's okay to want the best for our children but have you thought about what would happen to those plans should you lose your job? Should you become disabled and rely on social security to see you through?

 

I understand where you are coming from. I wanted certain things for my children as well but life didn't follow that path that I thought it would.

 

Things happen.....Could you deal with it should they happen?

[Seraphim]

Mi best advice here is to let your son BE who HE is going to be. Helping direction is OK. but do not decide what his personality is going to be in advance and the activities he will enjoy and build up such an idea in your mind that he has no way of matching it. Let Landon BE Landon.

[Catdancer]

I would definitely have to change my views should something tragic happen, like job loss. But I am confident that I would also get another job. I am willing to work myself to the bone to give him all that I can. And I know that life will throw punches at me, it always does, but I deal with it and keep on going. What else can you do?

[Catdancer]

Mi best advice here is to let your son BE who HE is going to be. Helping direction is OK. but do not decide what his personality is going to be in advance and the activities he will enjoy and build up such an idea in your mind that he has no way of matching it. Let Landon BE Landon.

 

That is my intent. But I also want to give him options so that he can explore himself and decide who he is and who he wants to be. If he tries sports and hates it, well then we know he's not an athlete. I guess I just want him to have every opportunity.

[Seraphim]

remember kids develop at their OWN speed so to say he will be doing this at 5 and this at 7 ect ect.....you can not rely on. Let him decide who he is and what he wants and how he is capable and help him in the directions HE wants to go, you get a much less frustrated kid that way.

[renaissancewoman101]

Good for you for making sure that he will be ok financially. That is one of the best things a parent can do for a child.

 

As for his life, guide him but don't plan out his life for him because he might not go according to your plans or, if you do plan out his life so much for him, when it comes time that you are gone, he might not be able to handle life on his own.

 

You're a good mom.

[sidehop]

I don't think it's wrong to have a child in such environment, whether he wants to take various lessons and classes, I would probably do the same for my daughter as long as she is showing interest and getting good grades in school (or behaving at home if she's not in school yet).

 

We try to avoid just buying her things every time we go out. Even going for a walk, she knows the route and we purposely have to avoid the downtown where there's a pizza or ice cream place as she begs for it (she's three). Going to the grocery stores is the same thing although it only happens every two weeks. The way we do it, we ask her if she can behave while we go grocery shopping she can have a toy (which is usually a $1 dinosaur or small item). Sometimes we'll get her food as a reward.

 

I don't think your goals are unrealistic by any means, each child grows up differently and you're the mother who knows your son more than anyone else. I do feel strongly as long as you're showing much love and teaching him respect, boundaries and responsibilities as he grows up he'll become an adult you hope to be, even if he becomes wreckless during his teenage years which every parent will have to endure!

 

Part of me wants either a brother or sister for my daughter but in a sense I agree, I want my daughter to get all the undivided attention until she's little bit older.

[Catdancer]

Good for you for making sure that he will be ok financially. That is one of the best things a parent can do for a child.

 

As for his life, guide him but don't plan out his life for him because he might not go according to your plans or, if you do plan out his life so much for him, when it comes time that you are gone, he might not be able to handle life on his own.

 

You're a good mom.

 

Yeah, Ren, this is a big one. I want him to be able to handle whatever life throws at him. I hope that by giving him the opportunity to grow confident in himself and to not be afraid to take chances, he will learn to deal and to handle problems straight on.

[Seraphim]

Opportunity is fantastic Cat and I am so glad you are able to provide that. I can tell you are very enthusiastic about him too which is awesome. You ARE a great mom, what my advice is really, let him be Landon, not just Catdancer's son. Kinda see where I am going?

[Catdancer]

Opportunity is fantastic Cat and I am so glad you are able to provide that. I can tell you are very enthusiastic about him too which is awesome. You ARE a great mom, what my advice is really, let him be Landon, not just Catdancer's son. Kinda see where I am going?

 

Yes I do see, Vic..thank you. I am all about him developing in his own way in his own time. I dont want to be the pushy mom who bullies her kid into doing way too many activities and that is what I was afraid of sounding like. lol I just want to present him with as many choices and chances as I can.

[Seraphim]

Yes I do see, Vic..thank you. I am all about him developing in his own way in his own time. I dont want to be the pushy mom who bullies her kid into doing way too many activities and that is what I was afraid of sounding like. lol I just want to present him with as many choices and chances as I can.

 

Opportunities are awesome just do not provide too many too fast, that boggles and overwhelms a kid. Slowly give them the choice of a few things....I know you want him to experience every single thing the entire world has to offer........but whoaaaaaaaa girl.....slowwwwwwwwwww down. LOL...he will lead you to what he likes.

[Speranza]

How do I instill pride and working for what you want, without him ever having to get a job?

Erm - can you?

Why would you want to? Most studies show that we get a lot of satisfaction out of work.

 

Tbh, you ask, "Am I psychomum?" and in a way I'd have to say I think you may become her - not with any bad intention, you are giving your child everything he could ever want, and you obviously really love him. But there is so much to think about.

 

I work with children from all sorts of backgrounds, who have emotional and behavioural difficulties. You would be surprised how man y come from a background like this. I think one of my saddest moments was when I had to getnyl break it to parents that their child had told me he didn't feel loved, whereat they looked at me incredulously and said, "But - we got him an X-Box!"

 

So I guess my advice would be to reign back on the THINGS and make doubly sure (as I'm sure you try to) that your child feels loves. Not by being given THINGS but by being given time, love and laughter. By having a Mum who takes him for walks to look for ants. By going fishing for tadpoles and watching them grow into frogs. By relaxing and not placing expectations on him.

 

You see, life is so unpredictable. You cannot MAKE your darling little boy do any of those things you dream of for him. He may grow up to love something you hate, like motor racing or tattoo artistry.

 

All I can say is what I have observed - the more parents try to map out their kids' lives, the more likely it seems to be that those kids will rebel. "But we gave him everything he ever wanted!" is a remarkably common cry in meetings with parents.

 

I have to ask you WHY you would want a spoilt child. Do you not want him to have friends? To value the little things? To love you for who you are, not what you buy him?

 

Maybe ease back. It's always a tricky thing, to try to work out the things you hated about your own childhood by creating a 'perfect' childhood for your kids. It puts immense pressure on eveyone.

 

I would respectfully suggest that you find someone to talk through your own issues from the past with, if you haven't already. Because you see, the day he turns round and says. "I KNOW you did X, Y and Z for me - but I never ASKED you to, did I!!"

 

 

... it really really hurts.

 

Good on you for the great love you have for him. Just - don't assume he is who YOU think he is. He will be who he is - give him space to develop his own personality. And good luck with parenthood, surely the biggest of all glass houses...

 

 

[renaissancewoman101]

Speranza, I think she wants to give him financial security because she knows what it is like NOT to have that. She wants the best for him and for him not to have to suffer.

 

To me, that is what a parent should do, be there for their child, spend time with them, support them in what they want to do BUT also try to help to make life not too painful for the child.

 

I grew up not poor but I struggled a lot with feeling unwanted because my mom always made it known to me that my height made her look bad. I was depressed a lot and part of that made me the way I am now (distrustful, beat down on myself a lot, etc)

[rikka]

While I think you have honourable motives, I question the end result. I think it is excellent that you are planning financially for your son. I think it is excellent that you will be able to afford him opportunities - extracurricular activities can get expensive. It is commendable that you want to give him all these chances and that will give him a chance to grow and develop as a person. Not having to worry about money at a young age will allow him to enjoy his youth and not grow up too quickly.

 

What struck me in your initial post was the idea that you are and will give him anything he wants - sometimes people need to hear "no", because not everyone in his life will say "yes". He needs to learn how to handle that. I fear that you may end up with a spoiled and entitled adult with this plan. While tantrums at 2 or 3 can be sort of "cute" - a 13 year old throwing a fit because he can't have what he wants is not. I also think having a part-time job in your formative years is important, it teaches responsibility. He wouldn't have to earn money to survive/pay for school/etc, but more so learn accountability and responsibility.

 

That is my humble opinion.

[Catdancer]

Wow! This is an awesome post. Thank you. You are addressing some of my fears. I dont want him to miss the little things. And I laughed so hard because just 2 weekends ago, he was running around naked outside in the yard, playing in the dirt and rocks and...you guessed it...catching ants. lol We both had a blast. I want to experience life with him. I want to laugh and cry and play and be a part of what he learns and sees. It makes me proud when he picks up a piece of dog poop and hands it to me like it's the best prize in the world. It's the little things that I enjoy so much with him. And I do not want to give those up. I realize that so many people raise wonderful children with no money at all. I guess I want to raise him like that, but knowing we have the money if we need it. Does that even make sense?

[renaissancewoman101]

Cat, I know what you are trying to say.

 

You want him to have the best of both worlds (be able to be financially well off and also be able to spend all the time he wants with mommy). You are doing a great job.

 

You love him as much as mother loves his son.

[Catdancer]

Another very good post. Thank you! And you are right. He is even now, at 12 months, a tantrum thrower at times. And he does not like the word "no". We do use it and we want him to get used to hearing it. I have worked in animal rescue for years so I'm a big fan of volunteer work. this is something that I'd like for him to get into starting as a child, when he is able to grasp the concept. I think that everyone should be able to volunteer a little of their time and I think that us volunteering weekly together at an organization would be great. So, this is what I have had in mind, in lieu of a job. But again, if he wants a job, he can get one. I guess I just want to be able to teach him the skills that he needs in life to decide what he wants.

[Miss Firecracker]

I don't believe he will choose to work if he doesn't need anything, Catdancer. There has to be a motive for someone to work.

[FarthestEdge]

I think you have the best of intentions, and there's nothing wrong with wanting the best for your kids...I guess it comes down to how you define 'best'

 

Personally, I think the work ethic is critical...Trust fund or not, no matter how much money you save for him, he could lose it ALL one day. If he's never had to work, if he's used to getting everything he wants, he won't be able to cope with that.

 

IMO, our most important job as parents is to teach our children how to be self- sufficient. How to take care of themselves so that if all their support networks evaporated, they'd be ok. Money and things come and go, and fortunes can change in an instant.

 

The phrase 'adversity builds character' exists for a reason. If he has everything he wants without having to earn it, he won't appreciate it and his wants will grow and his self-satisfaction will diminish. Things worth having are worth working for, and enjoyed much more when you've actually earned them.

 

IMO, there's nothing wrong with being his safety net. Make that net as big as you want to - but don't let it serve as a substitute for experience.

[Catdancer]

Perfectly said. You are always spot on! I tried to rep you, but I have to spread the love.

 

You are right in that he will need to suffer some adversity to build character. This is what I needed to see. I get so focused on trying to do the best for him that I can, I can lose track of what is the "best". lol Again, thank you!

[petite]

I think it’s great you want to provide for your sons future and have him be “secure”. However, remember one thing, parents forget at times that material things don’t buy love. I am sure you spend a lot of time with him and give him all your love and affection; this can easily be seen through your posts.

One thing you need to remember is to instill values, morals and teach him that life isn’t all peaches and cream.

I think it would be beneficial for a teenager to work, it shows them that things in life are not free, parents will not always be there to support them financially and instills a work ethic, which they will need for the future. A million is great, but a million for a child who is spoiled is nothing and can be spent easily.

 

You don’t want a child who will think the world is his because he has a trust fund or that there are no consequences for his actions. Also one thing to remember is if you give your child everything in a material way, that’s nice, in fact, that’s great but if that is all he knows, he can easily turn into an adult that expects the same. If he at 25 has not worked a day in his life, I highly doubt he will be too keen on work then, because everything was handed to him for the first 25 years of his life.

 

Sometimes it is better to say NO than give a child everything they always want. You got to remember, you are the parents and you should set rules, not him. Giving him every toy he wants is nice, but teach him that he doesn’t get to just open his mouth and out comes a toy of his choice.

 

My parents gave me a lot in life as they did for my siblings and I am SO VERY GRATEFUL for everything they provided me with, but what matters most of all is the love and affection they gave me.

I don’t really remember the toys they brought me when I was 8 years old (example) or the dress at 12, but I remember the trips we took, the dinners we had, playing in the park, giggling and story telling, the good memories and the affection they showed me and my siblings. I remember the cuddles, the long talks I had with my mother as a child, pre-teen, teen and now as an adult.

 

I am so grateful and appreciative of them because of the values they instilled in me, the morals they taught me to have and for letting me do my thing while helping me and guiding me into the right direction, MY direction.

 

It’s nice you have a lot planned out, but remember kids change and how YOU want him to be might not be the way HE wants to be. Just remember, He is his own person and if he decides to not play football it’s okay, because it’s his choice and not the dream/plan You had for him.

[Applewhite]

Cat I am not gonna comment on everything (because I am lazy and afterall I never had a kid, what do I know) I think instead of buying him a small thing everyday, invest that money in a separate account and see if you can save enough for possibly spending a year with him in another country while he is still young (6-7) and going to school there. He will learn another language quickly and that is a great present for a child. Just an idea.

[XxJustMexX]

I'm going to speak from experience as a spoiled child... and as a mother who spoils her child as well... and don't get me wrong, but this may not happen with everyone.

 

I noticed with my mom spoiling me and doing everything I wanted as a child, I grew up expecting things to be done for me... not in selfish way, but kind of in a subconscious way... And in a way I feel as if my mom didn't give me the weapons to fend for myself as an adult... I feel that when you spoil a child, you're allowing them to not gain self confidence on their own (how can they be proud of themselves for something they didn't work for?). I'm 28, and I still have the mentality of "if it doesn't work out, mom can fix it"... I feel I am more irresponsible BECAUSE of my mom's spoiling me.

 

My son is the same. His grandparents spoil him, and he has acceptance issues. He can never accept no for an answer, almost like me. I think when you're given everything you want, when you grow up, you expect the same... which is very disappointing when you do become an adult and realize this isn't how the world works... But my mom raised me like that, and she is now doing the same thing to my son (I'm trying to stop it). I don't want my son growing up like me... I'm not a bad person, but I have difficulty taking care of myself because I've always had someone to depend on... I want my son to be dependant on himself...

[Catdancer]

Oh wow, the other perspective. I love it! See, this is why this forum is so great. I do not want Landon saying the same things that you have. He needs to be able to take care of himself and stand on his own two feet. Your perspective has really given me alot to think about.