Boyfriend's best friend doesn't like me

[cazmoore]

I happen to have become really good friends with his current girlfriend.

 

 

My boyfriend's best friend, is dating a girl named Jessica. Me and Jessica ended up becoming really good friends over the last 6 months and we hung out and got coffee without our boyfriends. Obviously, most of the things we chat about have to do with our boyfriends since they both live together. We had issues with them where they were both drinking in excess, I broke up with my boyfriend and got back together under circumstances that the drinking was cut back significantly (at most I'm tolerating is a twelve pack a week). Although, Jessica's boyfriend still drinks every weekend, smokes pot every single say.. up to 4 times a day. She's in school to become a Nurse Practitioner (she's an Emerg nurse). Her boyfriend is moving home at the end of April because school is finishing up, but she found that because there's less time left to see each other, the days she has off from work she wants to see him, but he says he needs time 'alone' (and that time is spent either smoking pot because she doesn't like him doing it around her, or drinking). My boyfriend doesn't see anything wrong with this and will say "He hung out with her like 6 days in a row (3 which were helping him study) and he's going home soon and I'll never get to see him that much anymore!" I feel like saying, "Seriously, you're not the one dating him, and you live together so you see each other all the time"

 

So we (Jessica and I) met up today because she was upset about issues in her relationship... and talked for three hours and I came to the conclusion for her, that instead of telling him all this stuff that she doesn't want in the relationship, tell him what you expect from the relationship.. and if he needs that 'alone' time.. give it to him, and tell him to think about whether or not he really wants the relationship with her. I think drinking in excess and smoking pot 5 times a day, is a huge deal breaker. He's quite happy getting what he wants from her - she always drives to see him, she makes him muffins, pays for meals and after he's finished having sex with her, he kinda expects her to leave the house and doesn't like her sleeping over and drops huge hints "Man, it'll be so nice sleeping in my own bed alone tonight" (I told her not to put out, and see how he reacts... half an hour before she was leaving he tried climbing on top of her and she pushed him off asking him what he was doing and he said "well you're leaving soon! I thought we could have sex" He got denied and pissed off.. she just doesnt' want to feel like a used sock)

 

The thing was, I never told my boyfriend i met up with her for coffee and I told her not to tell her boyfriend this either, because each time we go for coffee, we both find out conflicting stories, or find out they've been drinking when they both said they weren't and obviously we both end up questioning them about their lies.. My boyfriend's best friend probably doesn't like me because he thinks I'm telling Jessica things to start fights which isn't true. He'll say to her "Did Caroline tell you this? Did you talk to her??!" jumping the gun.. so that's why I told her not to say we spoke earlier because ..seriously, she's a grown adult, I'm not making her do anything, she's just venting to me. I feel like if they have nothing to hide, then whats the issue? My boyfriend said he doesn't care for her because I end up finding out through her that the nights I wasn't there, they were drinking since she finds out through her boyfriend... my boyfriend wont' tell me they were drinking but SHE tells me.. the evidence disappears ( hiding the empties) and my boyfriend acts as though she's ratting on him..

 

This is way too complicated for me.

 

I think this is the classic case of the 'man child'. I feel like it takes some guys a while to get out of that immaturity phase, stop drinking and put your personal life first. I agree with letting lose once in a while, but I don't think in a long term relationship you should be drinking like that, or smoking like that. His excuse is that he is 'single', he's young (25 - It's not that THAT young) and he's not married yet, so he should be able to do all this... does a wedding band and a piece of paper really change anything?

 

I don't think so.

[eggplant47]

Hehehe! I'm not surprised at all that the boyfriends aren't pleased with this situation! The budding friendship between you & Jessica has made it harder for them to lie & get away with stuff.

 

But better to know than to not know!

 

Yeah, I agree with you... drinking & smoking pot to that extent isn't good for anyone.

[wildchild1]

He has proven that he is not ready to stop drinking and being "young". You have proven that this isn't suitable behavior for you and that you want a greater commitment. At this point, anything you do is construed as controlling because the honest fact is he has told you he has no plans to change right away.

 

You had to realize trying to limit his extracurricular activity would only serve to disappoint you. You will either have to accept this behavior or find someone else who is more congruent with your lifestyle.

[aurevoir]

Boys will be boys..

He needs to grow up. They both do. Thankgod I never dated anyone that crazy about booze and drugs. Usually that's me.

 

But anyway he continues to drink and it bothers you... I say move on

[anggrace]

It's understandable why he doesn't like you. You give her encouragement to do things he doesn't like, and he somehow knows this. You say what you girls mostly talk about is the boys? Maybe they can sense that. I wouldn't like such hard monitoring and judging either... even if you do have legit reasons. Im not saying your doing anything wrong, it just makes total sense why they might feel ganged up on and not like your friendship.

 

If it's causing problems, why not find other things to talk about and perhaps give her less advice concerning her relationship.

[cazmoore]

Well I guess what I mean is, when we meet up, it's not to deliberately talk about 'them' you know. We talk about other things like the hospital we're at, mutual friends we have, make plans for my birthday and such, and it just so happens that when I'll ask "So how was your trip to North Carolina with Aaron?" and I get "Oh it was really good, amazing, but when I came back.." and she spills the guts. I guess I don't really think about 'avoiding' her issue, but when I hear part her side of the story, after my boyfriend told me his friends side... I'm just like "Oh well, THAT makes sense". My boyfriend will make her out to look crazy about something and I know, I'm not getting the full side of the story. Now when my boyfriend tells me something, I just say, listen, I'm not getting the full side of the story here and he'll say "I knew you'd take her side"

 

It has to be said though, my boyfriend did stop drinking. He still drinks once a week, but he'll go through a case of twelve beers through the week 'try' to have a few one night, a few another night and maybe keep 6 for a saturday night. He cut down significantly for me because I walked away. You cannot put booze before people. And besides... Jessica, she's an amazing girl, and Aaron is throwing it all away. I have no idea what she sees in him.. but she's realized the honey moon period is over and the 'I love you's aren't enough to date someone who isn't willing to change his life style. She realizes this - she said she doesn't expect him to change (because he said "what, now you want me to change? you knew what I was like when you met me.." he told her she would get 'use' to it) but she shouldn't have to settle or start drinking to keep up with him.. that just made him mad and he told her to leave. So how does that work? You muster up the courage to tell someone that you love them and want to be with them, but you're not sure you can cope with the drinking/drugs? And he's mad at HER? He feels like she's toying with his feelings, yet he went home for 5 days and drank the whole time.

 

The funny thing was too, he smokes cigarettes. And he smokes pot 5 times a day and he uses a pipe. She said, "Are you addicted to cigarettes?" he replied yes, and she asked "are you addicted to pot?" he said no. Now, you feel like you have to smoke pot 5 times a day, isn't that some sort of addiction? He said "It's fun! I like it and I'm young" hahaha.. what's with this whole 'young' thing? He's not 18!

[DN]

Gossiping with your girlfriend about your relationships isn't very mature either. If I were your boyfriend that would be a dealbreaker for me.

[cazmoore]

So.. do you think most people who come on these forums and talk about their relationship issues, (which is gossiping) should get dumped? I think you need to come off your horse a little bit there, DN.

[DN]

So.. do you think most people who come on these forums and talk about their relationship issues, (which is gossiping) should get dumped? I think you need to come off your horse a little bit there, DN.

The people on this forum don't know you, your boyfriend, your boy or her boyfriend - there is anonymity. But inserting a friend into issues that should remain private is enmeshing boundaries and that is not wise.

 

The reason is that your boyfriend will stop telling you anything that he wants to remain private because he won't trust you to keep his secrets, or to not tell your friend about private and personal things he has confided in you. Once you tell a secret, even to a close friend, it is no longer a secret and you have betrayed a confidence, implied or explicit.

 

I know many people think it is OK to tell a friend anything about their relationships - and then they wonder why their partners never open up to them.

 

You are teaching your boyfriend not to trust you with private matters.

[confused25]

I personally don't see anything wrong with venting to a good friend about relationship problems. That's what friends are for! Sometimes it's better to get an outsider's opinions and support. I wouldn't share every single intimate detail about my relationship with them, but sometimes you just need somebody to talk to. If I were the OP I'd be giving Jessica the same exact advice as well, DUMP HIS ASS!!!

[DN]

I personally don't see anything wrong with venting to a good friend about relationship problems. That's what friends are for! Sometimes it's better to get an outsider's opinions and support. I wouldn't share every single intimate detail about my relationship with them, but sometimes you just need somebody to talk to.

Well, like I said above, this is the exact reason many men don't open up to their girlfriends or don't want to talk about problems. They know that their business will be shared with other people.

[HouseKitten]

Well, like I said above, this is the exact reason many men don't open up to their girlfriends or don't want to talk about problems. They know that their business will be shared with other people.

 

I see where you're coming from but... almost everyone needs support outside a relationship. Talking about your problems with your friends shouldn't have to stop once you get a partner. I talk to a couple of close friends about my boyfriend sometimes, I know for a fact that he has a couple of close male friends that he talks to. I know that they probably know way more about things like our sex life or the arguments we've had than I would tell them, but since they are good guys and aren't callous enough to repeat anything, it works.

 

I think this doesn't work for the OP because their talk is having a direct effect on their relationships. They're not just offering advice to each other, they're comparing information and using it to catch out their boyfriends. While I don't think the men should lie in the first place, it's also no fun to think you can't have a good time with a mate without getting ratted out to your girlfriend - for doing something they obviously think isn't a huge deal.

 

Personally, I think sharing your troubles is normal, but swapping information to catch out your partners - not so great. It says you don't trust them, and in turn they feel like they can't have their own lives without you two cornering them with their differing stories.

[DN]

It may work for some people - but I still hold that if you share things with friends about your boyfriend or husband be prepared for him to shut down and tell you very little. There may well be exceptions but even when you think he might be sharing he may not be because he is just good at hiding things.

 

Trust is such an easy thing to shatter - and trusting someone with intimate details or sharing problems and then finding out that they told someone else can break trust in a heartbeat.

 

If you have problems in a relationship resolve them within the relationship or seek professional or anonymous help.

[iamtheone]

I don't think there's anything wrong with telling a friend 'He said he'd cut down on beer and now he has X amount instead of Y amount' or 'He said this happened but I'm suspicious.' If the guys don't want to be caught out lying, they shouldn't lie.

 

Caroline, from what you've posted I don't know why you or Jessica are with these guys. You're both intelligent, hardworking (hospitals? med school?)...I'm wondering if either of you trust your guys, since you compare stories. I wouldn't, since it sounds like they're liars and care more about alcohol and pot than sustaining a serious relationship with anyone other than themselves. Sorry to be harsh, but I've been in a similar relationship. I remember someone on ENA had a great quote in their signature- 'When someone shows you who they are, believe them.'