My Story. My Plan.

[Lonewulv]

Im not sure if this is where I should be posting this thread, for I haven't gotten my ex back yet, but I will. Is that a crazy or nieve statement? Maybe. Read my story, and then let me know what you think. Its long, and I start before we're even together, but if you have time, and are curious about why Im so sure of myself, please read it all the way through.

 

 

Before I start, I want to let everyone know That I am 18 years old, and she is 17. Now a lot of you are REALLY thinking "yeah hes crazy. Getting back a 17 year old girl, who probably doesn't even know what she wants in a guy yet. yeah right." Or you might be thinking, that I don't even know what I want in a girl yet. We'll see...

 

 

I guess the best place to start, is before we were even together.

 

Ahh....grade 10. New school, didn't know anyone, didn't really want too. A loner, but not shy. i met a girl, Lets call her...N. We became close friends. We were never attracted to each other, just friends. She slowly started to get me to open up, meet new people. I became very attracted to a girl in one of my classes. I started to let more people in and loosen up. It wasn't until a few months into the year, that I noticed her. We'll call her...J. The moment I saw her, something sparked in me, and I felt I had to know who she was. It wasn't "love at first site" or anything like that, for I was very attracted to another girl at this point. At lunch time, I would sit with N in the cafeteria. a few more months down the road, J starts to sit with us, for she is a friend of N. Now, I was still very attracted to the other girl. For the most part, Me and N kept the conversations up, so I never found out much about J. Sometimes J wouldn't be there, and N would have another friend she would talk to...we'll call her B. They would sometimes talk about J...talk about her behind her back...

 

Now...Im not one to get involved with other peoples business. I keep others problems out of my life, unless they need help. For some reason....I had this urge....almost NEED...to defend her. When B and N spoke about J, I would always say something. I would say stuff like: "I don't see what you guys are talking about...shes seems fine to me". It got to the point, where they woud say "oooohh do you like her or something? hahaha". I would sit back and think "yeah....why am I defending her? I don't even know her...". I had never done done that with anyone before. It was like...there was some kind of connection. Before I was even attracted to her, let alone go out with her....It was strange...

 

That concludes the first year.

 

Grade 11. This is when me and J got together. One day at lunch, B was busting my balls, as she often did. She accused me of being grumpy all the time. She said "why are you mad all the time? seriously, you need something to calm you down. Do you want a blow job?" Yeah...and for a minute, she was serious. "Yeah...thats DEFFINATELY what I need to solve all my problems....b1tch...". To keep the joke going, her and N asked J if she would give me one. Knowing them, she humored them and agreed, but only If I asked her. She knew I wouldn't, I knew I wouldn't, everyone knew I wouldn't. It was just a joke, but thats what started our relationship. I was still crazy about the other girl, and N knew that. She said that me and J should start to talk to each other.

 

We would talk over msn. We found that we had a lot in common, and everyday we spoke, every time I found out more about her, the other girl...seemed less interesting, and I was CRAAAAAZY about this girl. I never thought another girl could top her, but J did.

 

even though we were open online...i was shy in person...and I didn't talk to her in school. It wasn't long before I got over that. We started to hang out. Go for walks and such, became very close. One night, we were at her door step. We kissed. Playfully, I said "I think you should be my girlfriend", in the same tone, she said "I agree". We were official. Over the months, we fell for each other. It was a feeling I've never felt with any other girl. I'd look in her eyes...and I would get this euphoric feeling. I would see the world. We were very much in love. i was also her first.

 

So things were great, we didn't fight and things were very strong.

 

Then something happened. April of last year, I lost my home to a forest fire. No one was hurt, but the loss was devaststating. evrything I owned, all the memories... She helped me through it all. As bad as it all was...seeing her made everything okay. her comfort helped me through it all.

 

Still, something changed in me...

 

Over the weeks, I noticed I had a shorter temper. Before the fire, we never argued, and I had a good handle on my anger. I never got angry at her, only everything else. I would get mad driving, I would get mad at stubbing my toe. I had a very short fuse, and I would overreact. I would even scare her sometimes...

 

The arguments...they were almost always initiated by me, and they always resided around the same thing. Her health. You see...J has Diabetes. I never fully understood it, and i would always make comments. comments about the things she ate, comments about her lack of exercise. Now shes not in BAD shape, i was just worried about her diabetes, and she knew that. I wasn't insulting her in anyway, just.....watching out for her...as I guess....i have always been. It got pretty bad. She would say numerous time to stop commenting and that she had it under control (which she did), Yet I would still persist. Before the fire, I never made her cry...After a while, I noticed what i was becoming. My father. He always tells me to watch what I eat, and to exercise and all this. I was starting to act like a parent...

 

Nearing the end....

 

About a week after our one year anniversary, we had our first break, and It was initiated by me. I was getting upset with her lately. I was upset because she was becoming busy more often, and I was....becoming more clingy. One night she made a decision to go with her aunt, instead of hang out with me for a quiet night which we had planned. Something we hadn't done in a while. I asked her to call me after she was done. When she called, I told her it was time to take a break. I thought it would be good if we spent some time apart. Absence makes the heart grow fonder they say. Well...it took her completely by surprise. She cried and didn't understand why I felt we needed to do this. I assured her that it was just for a little while, and that I wasn't going to leave her. I thought it would set the flame again. it was really hard for me to do it, and I felt really bad for hurting her. To make matters worse, my plan backfired. She became angry for my decision and resented me for it. She was contemplating whether or not she wanted me back. This whole ordeal lasted a little over two weeks. The whole time I was devastated. I talked every day with a friend of ours, trying to figure things out. I got nothing. One night, I was having a bad night. She texted me, telling me an old friend was at a party she was at, and he was asking about me. I told her i was having a crappy night, and she said i should come to the party. I agreed. I didn't think anything of it. I thought she was just being friendly. I got to the place, and texted her asking if she could meet me at the door because i didn't know where the party was exactly (it was a community building, with many big rooms). I walked up to the door, she opened it. We looked at each other, and she gave me a huge kiss. It caught me completely off guard, but it was one of the greatest feelings i've ever experienced. We were together again.

 

A couple months later, we got in another argument, and went into another break. It ended bad, with her crying and telling me to leave her house. I thought i lost her then...hell I thought I lost her the first time, but this was bad. Yet, it only lasted a week. With an "alright mister..." tone, she said she would give me one more chance. I kept to that. I wasn't going to hurt her again. I loved her so much. I still do...

 

A week after this, I noticed she was starting to change. She would never say I love you anymore, and whenever I did, she didn't sound like she used to. There was no sincerity. I figured it was just a faze, lingering feelings from the last break, and they would soon pass. I was wrong....

 

The End...

 

That night. It was great. We laughed, cuddled, had sex. after we had sex, I finally confronted her about how she seemed so different. She looked in my eyes, and nodded. It all fell apart. She told me all the arguing, all the anger in me, caused her to lose her love for me. I was so shocked, and so heartbroken. She was crying because she knew how much this was hurting me. I drove her home. She gave me along kiss, told me she loved me...?. and that she just needed a break. The next day, I sent her an email. I listed things we did together, memories we had shared. i told her that if we tried, we could make things right. I could fix my problems and we could be like we were before all the fighting and anger. That was as close to begging and pleading I got. A couple days after the email, I got some ebooks. I understood that begging gets you nowhere, and you just have to play it cool. She called me a week later. When I saw her number come up, I was really happy, I thought she was coming back. She wasn't. She said that she just needed to be alone now. It killed me, but I took the ebooks advice, and agreed with her. I said It was for the best. She was really surprised how well i was taking it, she seemed almost DISSAPOINTED. Over the next couple weeks, i sent mixed signals. I would act cool, when she would message me on msn, she told me she had ......made out with her ex after he drove her home after a dance. I prtended I was unfazed by it, even though It tore me up inside. i wrote her a letter the next day, telling her how I really felt about what she did. i told her I was upset with myself for fueling that conversation, and upset with her, for messing around with a guy (her ex who broke her heart none the less) so soon after we had just broken up. The day i dropped it off at her house, she called me. She was furious. telling me how I have no right to object to her actions considering we were no longer together. I didn't mean to insult her, I just wanted her to understand how she hurt me.

 

I called her up a couple days later, and apologized. She seemed indifferent, and still bitter about the letter. I told her it wasn't my intentions to insult her. She forgave me. That was that.

 

I went to see an old friend. He helped me before when I had problems in my life. I told him everything. He said that I should stop what I was doing. Stop with the game, and just tell her how I really felt. he said I might not get the reaction I want, but at least I was speaking from my heart, and not my head. I called her that night. I asked if I could go see her in person. She sounded, indifferent still, and like she wasn't very interested in having me come over, but I told her it would be quick. I went to her house and told her how I really felt. I told her It was killing me everyday. I told her I loved her. She was indifferent. She said "Im sorry, I just REALLY don't feel anything for you anymore. I told her I understood. She was texting someone at one point. She told me it was her prom date. This hit me like a ton of bricks. I asked who it was. She told me it was a guy she had just met, and that he was a nice guy. I said I was happy that she was happy. Smiled through my teeth. She said "I hope you find a girl one day, so maybe we can someday be friends". I stood in her doorway. We looked in each others eyes. I got that feeling. I saw the world. I reached out to stroke her cheek. She let me. She knew how much I was hurting, I guess she felt it was the least she could do. "Goodbye (J)....."Goodbye D". That was that.

 

After I left her house, I went home and erased everything. All pictures, emails. I removed everything that reminded me of her from my sight. i went on facebook (an account I created only weeks before, to put pictures on of me "having fun") I found the "New Guys" account, and sent him a message. I told him I was happy that she found someone that made her happy, but I also told him, that if he hurt her, if he brought tears to her eyes the way I did. I would find him. Obviously I was pretty messed up, didn't fully think it through, but I sent him the message anyway. Then I deleted my account.

 

She called me the very next day. She said that he told her about the message. He wouldn't show it to her, didn't want to "cause any drama"...She asked me what It said. I had nothing to hide, so i told her the jest of it. She said she wasn't mad...even though I wasn't expecting her to be. Once again, she said "I hope you find someone, so we can be friends one day". I told her we shouldn't talk anymore, that It was too hard. that was that. Two days later. My grandmother dies.

 

Im at the lowest of low. I lost the love of my life. Shes starting to become interested in a new guy, my grandmother dies....

 

The days go by. I find more relationship sites, read other stories, talk to other people. I still feel horrible. about two weeks after I spoke to her last, she calls me....

 

She tells me shes at a party, with a bunch of drunk people...I ask her "well....arn't you drunk?...." She says "yeah...but not as much as everyone else". She tells me shes just bored. Then she says that The New Guy showed her the message. She points out a couple things I said. I said "so you found her heart..." at the beginning of the message. I was messed up, and I thought he was a big deal....I mean...shes taking him to prom right? She kind of laughed and said "whats that suppose to mean?..." She said it wasn't a big deal...and that if it wasn't him she was going to take a mutual friend of ours who didn't have a date. She basically made The New Guy seem like he wasn't a big deal. she said she was bored a couple more times, to the point where I asked her "what are you trying to say?....". It seemed like she wanted someone to come "save her"...."she said "nothing". She said she had to go. I heard someone whisper my name. That was that.

 

The next day, we spoke on msn. I asked her about the call. She said "oh..hahaha, I was going through the numbers, and yours just happened to come up". Sure...The conversation got deeper, I didn't believe that her call was simply a coincidence. She started to get ticked, and said "just stop trying to find some kind of greater meaning behind it". It moved to the phone, and things got pretty deep. She was quite mad. Near the end of the conversation, I started to crack a bit. my voice started waving. I told her "I hope, that when you think of me, you don't just think of the bad times...". i could hear her sniffle. She was crying. She said with a slight whimper "I don't...". I said, for the last time "I think it would be best that we don't speak". She said "I hope we can be friends one day". "Goodbye J....." "Goodbye D.....". Thats the last time I heard her voice.

 

After that. Things started to change. I started to really look at our relationship. Analysed it. Figured out where i went wrong. I realized it was my fault. I started looking at myself, and realized how rediculous I have been.

 

I decided I was going to change. I decided...I am going to get her back.

 

She was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I took that for granted. I pushed it time, and time again, until i finally blew it. Im not going to let this go. I will Redeem myself. I will show her who am again. I know, a lot of you are probably thinking "yeah....another adolescent who thinks he can do anything...". I believe, in the power of belief now. Before I was a sour....punk. Something opened in me.....Its a feeling I can't explain....Its like the whole universe is screaming "YOU ARE NOT GOING TO LET HER GO!!!!! YOU ARE GOING TO GET HER BACK!!!!!!!!". I believe I can get her back, that I WILL get her back.

 

The amount of times I have ever done something, that I truly believed in, that I knew HAD to do, I could count on my hand. This tops them all. Its like I had an epiphany. Im not delusional either, im not just so over the top for her that I've lost all reason. Im seeing clearer than ever. I've got my sights set and im not looking back. I've left the past behind, and Im ready to make something of myself. Im not sad, or broken up anymore.

 

Its been three weeks since we spoke on the phone. two days ago she spoke to me on msn. She said a friend of ours was asking about me in school (I graduated early). She asked how I was. She tried to hide it, but I can tell shes interested. She spoke to me on msn again today. She asked about my opperation (I had knee surgery, due to a sports injury. Just got the cast off today.). She had surgery on her knee too, and just gave me a run down. Shes clearly interested in what Im up too. Im not showing signs that Im still thinking about her. Im playing it cool. for the next two months, Im going to work on making myself the best I can be. Im going to workout, get a new job, start new hobbies, get serious with the guitar and singing. If she doesn't attempt to reconcile, I will go into RC. Im going to walk into the school at lunch, looking fresh, and buff . Im going to go "'see my old friend" (who happens to sit where she does) She'll see the new and improved me, and I know she'll miss me.

 

I don't know why, I just know. I believe.

 

Last week, I was watching tv. She hadn't been on msn for a week. I would check everyday, just to see if she was on. after a couple days, I stopped looking, and forgot about everything for a little bit. So I was watching tv. Not thinking about her, or anything for that matter. Suddenly, I get this feeling...like shes close...but not really...like...shes online?! Usually you get a feeling like that, you just brush it off, and forget about it. It was strong enough that I got up off the couch, hobbled to the computer, turned it on, logged on, and what do you know. Shes online. Of all the people, of all the feelings of all the times. I was shocked. If that not a strong connection....If don't know what is.

 

So there you have it. My Story. My Plan. A lot of you might think Im crazy. I don't care. Im motivated and Im ready to make myself the best I can be. I screwed up, but I can redeem myself. I will redeem myself. For me, and for her. I deserve that. She deserves that.

[minou]

If the love is right for the two of you, you will be together again. In the meantime, enjoy your guitar and let it, and your friends and other passions, heal you. Sorry about the loss of your GMO. Ask heaven to send what is right for you your way. If she is, she will be back eventually. If it feels right to you, take a few minutes a day to visualize the two of you happy together. Put white light around it and let it go, saying "To the Highest." Only do this if it does not cause discomfort. Keep your eyes and heart open to whatever the Universal energy is sending your way. Know you are loved from Heaven and have a wonderful future ahead. By the way, it may have helped you to have a little short-term counseling after the fire and loss of your GMO, so you wouldn't have taken your difficult feelings out on your gf. It may also help not repeat parental interactions in future relationships. That's called re-enactment. By heightening your awareness of that, you will treat someone the way they deserve to be treated, not repeating some troublesome aspect of your childhood. We all do this. Don't worry. You're an awesome person and you're learning from life.

[justletgo07]

Quite a story. Says a lot about you that you're willing to face your part in the break up and use the experience to better yourself.

 

May you find peace of mind and heart. I hope things work out the way you want them to.