one messed up situation

[idontknownemor]

I am in a situation where I am somehow hurting two men at once. I will give you a background first of both men. I married someone who has been my best friend for the last 5 years. He was there for me through the hardest of times, do I love him? yes. however our marriage is dysfunctional . the thing is, i feel like the only reason im with him is because hes been there for me and loves me so unconditionally and i feel like i have to take care of him, like without me i worry about him making it (eating healthy, making good decisions, wearing clean socks etc. ). but honestly, hes my only real friend and i know im taking a huge chance by letting someone go that has literally forgiven me for any flaw and been there for me through everything. but i just dont consider him fit to be a father because hes so irresponsible and frankly lazy. Also, one huge complication is that he is a greencard holder and if i divorce him anytime soon he will be deported and he is not done with his degree so lots of time and money will be wasted and it will all be (surprise) my fault.

 

the other person is also a sweetheart, a man of my dreams, someone that i swear i fell in love with the first time we met eyes. he loves me and wants to marry me (and wants me to divorce ASAP so thats possible) this guy i feel would be a better husband and father because he has deep family values and is an extremely hard worker. I feel like I love them both but in totally different ways. man 2 feels like i dont care about him because im not divorcing my husband (i dont blame him). I have talked to my husband about divorce and he said he would willingly give me one and leave (hes just that sweet) but i dont want him to return home after all his efforts a failure to his family and be by himself all because of me. so i think my husband knows why i want a divorce and is hurt, but he says he wants me to be happy, but i think doing it will kill him, but as i write this im getting texts from man 2 saying that all my love and words was lies and if i dont divorce soon because he wants to marry me now that means i dont love him.

 

I know im a bad person for this, and if theres a hell, this would be the only thing in my life i have ever done that will send me there. but i feel terrible, because not only do i feel like i have to choose between my best friend who is irreplaceable or that one true romance that you never thought youd ever find but I am making two very goodhearted sweet men suffer and cry and I am smashing their dreams. Please overlook my flaws and selfishness, and advise me on what you think I should do, because right now I feel like shooting myself. Thanks

[eggplant47]

A couple of questions:

 

#1. Did you marry your husband solely to get him the green card or did you guys truly intend to build a life together?

 

#2. Are you sure that after 5 yrs. his citizen status isn't already cemented even if he gets divorced?

 

My friend once married an 18 yr. old girl from Kiev to allow her to stay within the U.S. It was a rigorous progcess getting INS to believe their marriage was legit... but once they had they only needed to stay married for 3 yrs. After that, they divorced & she was able to stay.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

this guy i feel would be a better husband and father because he has deep family values and is an extremely hard worker.

 

I never believe someone when they make claims to have "family values" because often those people who spout out about family values are huge hypocrites...case in point guy #2. If he truly had family values he would not be messing around with a married woman and urging her to get divorced. Being a hard worker is just one aspect of a person...there are lots of hard workers who are not nice people at all. Regarding your husband, I suspect he will be okay if you leave him..he will not die, he will not get sick, he will live a full and happy life even if you walk away from the marriage. I bet he is a lot tougher than you give him credit for. If you are that unhappy in your marriage it is no point staying..but even if you run to "family values" man you might find that he is not the gem you thought he was.

[wildchild1]

I think being with this other man has exponentially amplified any problems in your marriage making it seem dysfunctional.

 

Also can you claim the moral highground in regards to Family values while simaltaneously carrying on an affair? There is no litmus test for Parenthood, because he can't find clean socks doesn't mean he can't be a good dad.

 

Have you tried counseling?

[itsallgrand]

I think you should get rid of altogether Man #2, who sounds not like a "sweetheart" at all but more of a standard jerk wad (sorry) - and then deal with your hubby.

Either decide to stay and work it out, or go. But either way, I think Man #2 is nothing really but a distraction for you.

 

And I think you need to stop beating yourself up over this, which can be a way of avoiding dealing with things, and just try to do better going forward.

[lionquack]

idontnemore,

 

I can totally sympathise with your situation. I understand how you are torn between your lover and your husband as I too am in this situation. However, I too am the lover of a married women. When we met we did not intend to fall for each other....it just happened and the more we tried to fight it the stronger it became.

 

I want to tell you YOU ARE NOT A BAD WOMEN and don't let anyone lead you to believe you are.

 

The situation is bad..... yes. It does not sound like you are manipulating both men involved with you and genuinely love both of them..

 

However, I think your lover is wrong to give you an ultimatum. The decision to leave your husband must come from you and you alone. This is how I have left it with my married women.

[d24]

divorce the poor guy, he can apply for a student visa to complete his degree and find someone who loves him back - then you can go with this other man. but you'll no sympathy from me, sorry. you made this situation happen, not anyone else. you never should have got married.

[DN]

I agree with CAD - family values/trying to get married woman to divorce her husband are mutually exclusive.

[RobD70]

You are exactly where my wife was 2 years ago. If she saw this she would scream at the monitor telling you to stop. She thought her guy was the greatest thing since sliced bread but now she says he’s a con-artist and the most evil person she’s met.

 

Rushing into a marriage immediately after a divorce is always a horrible idea. You are guaranteed to fail no question. This “sweet” man is fooling around with a married woman and pushing her to leave her husband? Does this really sound like the man of your dreams? You are in fantasy land right now and he has his best foot forward at the moment because he is in courting mode but you have no idea what real life would be with him. It’s not going to be how you think.

 

97% of relationships that come from affairs die within 2 years and the ones that marry their affair partner have a 75% divorce rate. The odds are heavily stacked against you. This doesn’t even take in account how you’ll lose the respect of everyone around you and people will look down on you whether it’s justified or not.

 

Then not too long after you leave your husband you’ll start having second thoughts which will cause friction within the new relationship. You’ll be surprised how much your feelings will change about your husband once you are away from him.

 

Your best course of action is for a trial separation and wait at least 3 months (being on your own) before you even think about making a final decision. You may find out you can’t live without your husband after all and move back OR that you really are better off without him. You can’t anticipate what your feelings will be in the future so it would be a mistake to make a decision now and assume you won’t change your mind later. Give yourself time alone to process what you really want and I say 3 months minimum.

[idontknownemor]

First of all thanks to everyone for your thoughtful replies. Here are the answers to your questions;

-Our marriage was done on the logic that we had been together for so long we might as well, there were some "incentives" however that I believe were mistakes to consider such as his tuition being 1/3 that it was as an international student and his student visa had expired and his dad was sick, without our marriage he couldnt have gone to his dads funeral and been able to get back in the country. This is valuable info to you but since him and I really did care and love eachother I wouldnt ever go so far as to call our marriage a sham. Was it a mistake? yes, because I dont think you should get married as a last resort because you dont think you will find that one true love

 

-the issue of family values in man 2: he doesnt say "oh i have family values"...I know he does, I know everything about his family, he is very responsible he is actually quite selfless when it comes to them and talks to them all the time. (I have to beg my husband to call his sister or 70yr old mom overseas who miss him a lot) and he is not a jerk he REALLY is a big baby! now I know this contradicts with the fact that Im married and hes involved with me, but this is AGAIN MY FAULT seeing as he didnt know I was married until like a month or two of knowing him. I didnt think it would go anywhere, or that he would fall in love with me , I told him and he was devastated so I went on to explain that its not a good marriage and I will get divorced.... I kept putting things off (because of the school thing only) and now he just thinks I was lying all that time to him that I care about him. trust me hes a big baby and he feels bad too

 

Recently, last night after I posted my advice thread, I told guy 2 to leave me because I shouldnt make my husband a victim and lose his college investment esp when hes so close to being done because Im taking a chance with man 2.

 

This situation has not amplified problems in our marriage, believe me it would be a consensus that there were so many underlying issues to begin with much greater than even this. Im not so stupid to believe there is a litmus test for judging whether a man would be a good father but all I know is that if he cant take care of himself, or my cat because I left for one week and he couldnt take care of that, then I certainly dont trust him with our future kid if I want to even check the mail! one fact about my husband is that he was spoiled so bad as a child he doesnt think he has to or know how to do any adult chores. I hate to sound mean but I try to teach him things but its like he cant even screw in a lightbulb. he grew up with 3 maids for his fam, 1 for cooking 2 for laundry/housecleaning and 3 a gardener. I grew up the opposite, my high school educated dad raised 5 of us with a job as a mechanic and the only one doing everything was my mom or us! I cant bear the sight of wasting money foolishly (maybe once in a while) but my husband does things that drive me mad and I dont want my kids being raised with no value of the dollar or sense of responsibility.

 

Thanks again, I really appreciate your honesty.

[turnera]

So do the right thing and divorce your husband and let HIM figure out how to further his own life.

 

THEN look around and see what your options are.

 

Anything else is infidelity.

[arcadefire]

If you are having problems in your marriage, you either 1) work it out, or 2) divorce over differences. Do not turn this already complicated situation into one that will make you look like a very valueless person, as in, engaging in an affair with man 2 while still married. It's one or the other.