From the desk of a (reluctant) breakup journalist

[mustard1234]

I've looked at so many NC/LC/breakup/hopelssly-clinging-on journals here for inspiration, with pity, for encouragement but mostly to feel glad that no mater how bad I felt, I wasn't driven to write about it in public...daily. Sometimes these journals made me want to offer advice or comfort (and I tried to, in most cases) sometimes they made me want to introduce people to vowels and subject-verb agreement (followed through on a few of those, too)

 

...now a year into the most ridiculously chaotic, addictive, toxic and powerful potentially abusive on/off relationship i've ever heard of, guess it's my turn.

 

This is my attempt to leave well enough alone with my ex after breakup #652, initiated by me. He, rightfully, thinks I don't mean it because I've never been able to stay away from him before. Trying to buck the trend, here

 

I'm also hoping to address/get feedback on some pretty gnarly self-esteem issues I seem to have that have fueled a pretty consistent pattern of dark haired, brilliant men who treat me like * * * * since I was 17.

 

Finally, this is my last quarter of college before starting out on a life plan that people are calling insane. I think I'll write about that, too.

 

Thanks for listening. Any feedback is always appreciated.

[mustard1234]

I can't tell if NC or LC is the best approach for dealing with the ex. I don't hate him, but we do have our moments. It may be good to do a 60 or 90 day he-tox and then kind of see what goes on from there.

 

For anyone who hasn't had the good fortune of hearing my various whinings accross the site since last June...here's the rundown.

 

Met him online. INSTANT mental connection, similar values, same sense of humor, etc. He came on very strong but I was just out of a relationship where the guy pushed me away/lost interest so this was like candy to a baby at the time. Met 'IRL' for the first time in July. I knew this was the guy I was going to marry. Came out to see me and treated me like a princess, was always trying to help me out and be there for me. If that meant time, doing me small favors, listening...he made me feel safe and comfortable about myself for the first time in many years. I felt like the prettiest, most special girl alive when I was with him. Very supportive, helped me tactically and financially (a tiny bit) during a transition period when I was moving. Knight in shining armor, etc. Realized he had a hell of a temper. Prone to dramatic fits: hanging up on me, stonewalling me for a day or so at a time, etc. Didn't worry about it until a very big fight where he was verbally abusive to me for the first time. I broke up with him immediately. 48 hours, a bouquet and our first night together later, we were back on. This, in hindsight, probably not the best idea.

 

I should take a moment and try to find the most ladylike way of saying that sex with him is just about stratospheric. I've never, ever, ever been as bedroom compatible, turned on by and well matched with anyone in my life. Physical, mental, spiritual burn holes in the sheets and rip the curtains out kind of lovemaking. It's important enough to get it's own paragraph because in all honesty, the sex (the rapturous, fruit-of-the-gods sex) is about 47% of why this relationship has gone on so long...and I'm openly horrified that I'll never have it this good again. Not only am I nearly positive that no one will shake me to my bones like he does, I don't even remotely *want* anyone else physically after this. Problematic.

 

Biggest issue sparking the arguments which result in the excessive aggression from him and NOT okay behavior on both our part: The 5-year plan. He is 25, has finished his associates degree and moving on to get his BA. I'm 23 and entering my last quarter of undergrad. He had a job, general ideas to be a lawyer and no concrete plans when we met. After talking, he lined up his school choices to be near me in places I'd already decided to go (namely New York, a research trip to Africa and possibly a stint in London). In about month 5 of our relationship, he realized what he actually wanted to do was go to Texas and then Washington State. The horn locking came when he wanted me to change course and go with him. I was beyond not interested. I suggested LDR, he was hurt that I wasn't willing to adjust my plans. This is where the entire thing started to fall apart completely.

 

The rest is a series of escalating rages, hot/cold war, broken promises, crying arguments, 8-hour long 'no yelling agreement' stalemates etc etc. He's been horrible, I've been horrible. Both of us have about pushed the limits of how dirty two people can fight and how badly words can be used to cause damage. I don't like that someone can make me that angry and honestly think that his anger issues could one day escalate to actually violent. It never did, but I see how it could.

 

I certainly wasn't an angel myself. For a long time I played the helpless lamb/martyr/victim card. "He started it" seems really inadequate but it's true. I fully understand that it takes two to tango and admit that I danced hard. Some of the things I've said to him in our fights have shocked me that it could even come out of my mouth. I 'acted out' one drunken night when he told me that he was seeing someone else because she was nicer than I was and that I'd let myself get fat...he wasn't really seeing anyone and yes, I had gotten a little fat but that's not the point...I ultimately damaged/burnt to a crisp a bunch of his property and deleted his World of Warcraft account (low blow to any man) in full out, quasi-murderous rage. That was craptastical, amazingly ghetto and I will *never* let anyone make me that angry ever again.

 

In a world of counseling, seriously adjusting plans and mutual dedication to healthy conflict resolution...this *could* possibly maybe sort of be worked out. Truth be told, I still love him. A lot. Somewhere between the sex and being able to finish his sentences before he gets them out and the combination of peace/euphoria that I get being around him...on those 3 whole afternoons a week we're not fighting...it could be worth it. We really are something special when it's good. Despite the fact that I've saturated all of my friends/family with tales of woe and everyone hates him now...lesson learned, unless a guy puts his hands on you keep your family out of it...I might even take the public blow and explain why I'm back with public enemy no. 1

 

He's very much trying to reconcile. He's gone to counseling for his anger issues, had made a genuine effort since February to not be openly cruel or hostile and it really has made a big difference. He doesn't yell as much, but the fickle I love you/I love you not hasn't changed at all. I know "inside" he always wants to be with me but his rhetoric changes depending on the day and how he feels at any given moment. It's hurtful. His take on it is that if I relocate to Texas, gone is the distance issue: our "only problem". He promises to give up Washington and we can go do the plan I had in mind after he graduates. He thinks that the fighting will stop completely once I've moved near him and that we should work this out and promises to make himself available to doing whatever I want geographically in 2 years once he finishes his diploma.

 

I love him, I do. I still love him with all of my heart and know that he is honestly trying for the sake of the relationship and call me stupid (...I am) but in my deepest heart, I believe that if I gave him another chance, he would really come through on his promises this time.

 

So, basically at 23 I have two options: Let go of my immediate plans to move to a place that I don't want to be to marry a guy I really really care about, who loves me but has been known to occasionally treat me like helldogs...or say screw it, get my diploma and move to the UK as planned.

 

It took me a year, but I chose option B.

 

I keep working very hard to convince myself that this was the right tactical move. That I'll meet someone else, that I deserve more than this situation...but I still love him, want him and at certain moments, Texas doesn't seem that bad. Ultimately I'm confused but I'd rather regret losing out on him than regret losing out on my future plans. Not going ot lie, the idea of "someone" or "something" else is amazingly appealing.

 

The SUPER complicated part: I've gotten a short-term job offer in New Orleans starting in October. Does anyone have a map handy? New Orleans and Texas really aren't that far apart. I'd be living there for one year while saving up for grad school in the UK. I'm hoping to build up the strength and focus to tell him no when he comes knocking at my door...which, he will.

 

For now, just focus on getting through the next week without backtracking...ready, steady, go.

[Kerrian]

Firstly, I don't think you've done the wrong thing at all.

I've been in pretty much this situation, I was with someone who promised me the world, said he'd come to France with me on my gap year and find a job there after qualifying and then turned round and told me that actually...he never had any intention of coming with me, and was going to follow the top lawyer careers in London...only thing is, I didn't really have a choice of whether or not to go on my gap year without actually ending my degree...

..and I am so...so glad that I finished things with him. He was verbally abusive too, he threw dramatic temper tantrums, slammed doors in my face and refused to talk to me for days...and I am glad to be rid of him now.

For months I was worried that I'd thrown away something wonderful and convinced myself that he wasn't really that bad after all...that I could put up with it all for the good parts.

But why should you have to?

You shouldn't be treated so terribly just for the few days that things are good, that's not what you deserve. You deserve somebody who cares about you and treats you well...

And when you find someone else, it probably won't be as whirlwind and dramatic and tense, no...but to be honest, that's probably a good thing.

 

I think you should be incredibly proud of yourself for going through with your plans regardless, and as for the job offer....why do you have to let him know?

If you haven't got anything to do with him any more, why do you have to tell him that you're going?

[mustard1234]

Today sucks.

 

I mean actively, pain in my toes sucks. This getting rid of him/moving on process would be a lot easier if I...you know...didn't still want to be with him really badly.

 

He has now, as usual, stepped the promises and wonderful attention up to high gear. (This is lonely, needy chick Kryptonite). Eternal love, "look how good we are, how can you give this up, why are you hurting me this way, I just want to love you, but you're the girl of my dreams/the only one I want" type shenanigans.

 

He's asked me to tell him what I need him to do (more counseling, talking to me differently, tandem counseling, being more open with eachother) and has also offered to change his location for school to anywhere else relatively warm that I might like better. In regards to the keeping promises thing, he's asked me to plan a trip with him somewhere for right after graduation so he can "really show me" that he can follow through on plans and that, contrary to what I may think (based on the past year) he really does like to travel.

 

He made an alternative plan where where I can pretty much do my plans now and we're half LDR and half moving. I'll be in Texas for a few months, he'll take study abroad credits from his school to come stay by me for a semester, etc. The worst part is, he's being the man that I knew when we first dated. That kind, supportive, sweet, listening, sexy man who I know I love...and just happens to appear/disappear on a rolling basis.

 

I'm telling this man, the hologram of my dream man, no...and I don't even know why anymore. That's the real pain of it all.

 

As I mentioned before, he has made strides in the direction of not being totally nasty when we fight. It's not gone, but it's better...at this point, he's playing the role of the martyred saint "why are you leaving when i'm trying so hard...all i want to do is make it work...youre not being fair and even giving me a chance to show you how ive changed, etc"

 

The fact that I even picked up the phone last night is STUPID. But, there's just something about cold turkey that evades me with him. Damn it, I still love him. This is actually impossible.

 

Okay, so I read on the 8 millionth web advice article that when you still have attachment to an unhealthy situation, it's best to investigate what your solid reasons are for leaving. Here goes:

 

-I'm afraid he will hurt me (again).

 

-Peer/family pressure. Courtesy of me and my big mouth when we were going through the worst of the troubles, this guy is essentially Jesse James persona non grata status. My brother, mother and best friends are all on the picket lines in protest if I even *think* about it. Yes, I have to make my own decisions of course...but it would be nice if it wouldn't alienate half of the people in my life. His counter-argument to this is that he'll write, call or personally visit every dissenting voter on my team if that's what he needs to do to get me back. This guy is...ridiculous. Too bad I thought about it. Answer was no, but I found it touching.

 

-I think that there may be someone else out there for me. Note, the only possible remote difference between this guy and "dream man" is English accent, six-figure salary and you know...not having a volatile temper. So, I actually don't feel like anyone better exists at all, to be totally honest. I just desperately hope that maybe possible someday I can meet someone that's half as great as he is...who just won't yell at me. Which, in truth, he hasn't done since January.

 

 

My biggest fears are the backlash. In the last two times we almost got back together (October and December) there were big ol' displays of love, and when I was hesitant for 'too long' or said no he exploded. Ironically, these 'parting words' of his are some of the biggest things in my mind that stick out in the NO category when he comes back around the next time. I just hope that he doesn't have that hurtful reaction toward me this time, it would make me really sad.

 

What's KILLING me is...why couldn't he have just been sweet, compromising...or even remotely sane when we were first going out. When we had a clean slate, a wide open future and it was "okay" for me to love and be with him. Why did we have to get to the point of no return before he started acting like he had ANY sense? I swear, if he'd even been half as...just decent...as he is now, I never would've left in the first place.

 

I feel paranoid. I don't know if it's an act or a trick. I just love him and miss him and I am so * * * * ing miserable that I can't even see straight.

 

I asked him not to call me anymore. He said "I'll always love you" and hung up. That was this morning at like...2am. I cried.

 

Maybe he'll stay away. Maybe this will eventually stop being the worst thing ever.

 

What I wouldn't give to fast forward to a year from now when I'm over this.

 

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

[mustard1234]

I just don't want to do the wrong thing.

 

I have no idea what the 'wrong thing' is...but I don't want to do it.

 

Half of my brain is sure that a loving, handsome man with some major issues that he's really trying to work on wants to be with me, love me and marry me is the right thing. I'm a decently pretty and outgoing girl and all that, but aside from men with gold/missing teeth and one cool guy who turned out to be a major dud...I haven't gotten asked out all year! Let me run that back for you: 365 days, cute girl on college campus, 3 invitations, 1 from a man blatantly missing teeth. This will do things to a woman's perspective. I just...he has made promises to be before and changed/backed out...I want to believe him just one more time so badly.

 

 

The other exact 50% of my mind says I'm insane. That he's emotionally unstable and manipulative. It's like one of those voodoo things where they show you all the trappings of your heart's desires, get you to put your blood on the paper and SNAP, the horrible reality of what you've done comes crashing down. That I have to run, not walk, run away and be free. There's plenty of dark haired, Christian, sensual, funny, brilliant fish in the sea and "I deserve more". That walking towards these goals and this future is what I need to do to keep from "wasting" myself.

 

I am so confused. Like, literally. My brain could split in two.

 

Ouch.

[Starbourne]

First of all, and this is completely unrelated, but you have an excellent and eloquent writing style. I actually enjoy reading what you write.

 

As for your situation...

 

It's a rough situation to be in, for sure. If you've broken up several times in the past and he's gone back to his usual, yelling, temper tantrum ways, why wouldn't he go back and do it all over again? Certainly he's promising changes, but who is to say that those aren't empty promises?

 

One thing I've come to realise and appreciate on a whole new level, is that talk really is cheap. My now ex girl friend told me she wanted to marry me and be with me, but now she dumped my ass, despite me treating her like a queen. Again, it goes to show that talk is cheap.

 

It could very well be that he is just manipulating you with his words. If anything, watch his actions. If he is indeed different and shows a constant, steady, positive progression, then maybe. If not, run like hell.

 

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

[mustard1234]

@ Kerrian

 

Thanks for writing. In regards to your ex...ouch. That's pretty blatantly crappy.

 

The actual objective truth is, every time we're "definitively done" it takes him a little longer to fall back into his old habits and combative patterns. Once, we wen an entire month (!!) without him tearing me down or throwing a fit. In the past, it's been me getting distracted by the buttery sound of his voice causing havoc on the phone at 2am or the pictures he'll randomly send me of his new jeans and all the usual mortal weapons mixed with the thought of

 

"What if this is the time we really get it right? Wouldn't I be so stupid and regret it forever to let him go if this THIS is the time when it goes smoothly? Everyone deserves an (insert infinite number) chance, right?"

 

You're right, though. Something about demanding consistently civil treatment seems harder to me than it should be for me. I'm trying to fix that.

 

But, to his 'credit', the last time he really attacked me was in January. He lashes out at me when I do something that hurts him. Like, not wanting to move where he is...or trying to tell him that I don't think we should try again. I'm also not always a picnic. I can give out some withering sarcasm and when I feel defensive just...not be sweet...but I'm always careful to try and fight 'fair'. If that makes sense. But, I do see how my behavior could cause someone to get angry. He takes the anger pretty far, but I see how I can cause it. I also have a lot of improving to do.

 

He feels that I'm not properly acknowledging how hard he's worked to change (which, I'll fully congratulate him on...he really has) and in that frustration at me for not trying again, he'll sharply revert to the same crappy behavior. Cue the irony. Reaching new highs (or lows) every time we go through this almost-reconciling-but-I-back-off cycle. I kind of spark it in him. No, thats not an excuse...but as far as I can understand...thats the cause of his being nasty to me.

 

He apologized profusely for the now infamous NewYear's fallout in February. It's been pretty okay since...granted, we havent spoken much at all. There have been some minor temper tantrums since then (including an amazingly nonspectacular, run-of-the-mill "my way or highway" argument about the frequency of phone sex + scheduling time for a visit that prompted breakup #652..and this journal).

 

The number of attempts at my jugular has decreased substantially. It's pathetic that this excites me. In fact, the idea that I'm glad someone hasn't tried to atomic bomb my self esteem in 90 whole days is the reason we're here right now...

 

wow. just realized that.

 

progress? maybe. maybe not.

 

if not for those pesky societal norms and these newfangled 21st century expectations of boundaries and personal pride, i'd take him back tomorrow.

 

 

sigh.

[mustard1234]

@ Starbourne

 

Wow. These are some spectacularly shty breakup stories. I'm sorry that happened. You likely know, but there are plenty of women who would and will l-o-v-e the chance to be with a good guy.

 

Thanks for the compliment. I appreciate it. Glad to know that I'm not causing people's eyes to water (too hard)

 

As for the validity of the promises...it's such a crapshoot. After our very first breakup (September) he promised to be better. I went back with open arms. It wasn't. I honestly, truly invested myself in trying again with him for the third time in October and I believe that ended in him not only finally reneging on coming with me to Africa but telling me to go die in a fire...

 

so, that wasn't necessarily successful.

 

In God's honest truth, since last fall I haven't really invested in him or opened myself up to truly trying. We've *discussed* getting back together at several points, I've entertained it seriously but I've never really, honestly said "Okay, I believe in you and that we can do this together, let's try." (Cue violins and soaring score) That has NOT happened on my part since October. So, maybe the worst is over and I'm just not giving him a chance unfairly?

 

Small stuff like being impatient or sometimes snippy or the I love you/I love you not thing...sadly, I could take that as part of the "nobody's perfect" package and deal with it. It's the personal attacks and screaming from last fall/summer that are where I draw my line. That's what I'm gunshy about. That's what I refuse to move to Texas to be closer to.

 

My biggest dilemma on his sincerity is in two places:

 

-WHERE is the line between waiting to see if he's genuine 'this time around' and leading him on? Is it fair that I want to spend some time with him NOT in a relationship just being around eachother to see 'how it goes'? (Yes, I understand that sex would need to be removed from the equation for this to be even partially legit haha) Is that legal in the breakup-makeup pantheon? How long can that time be? What am I looking for? I just don't see a way for us to make that happen (especially in light of the distance) that isn't awkward or far too much pressure.

 

 

- I miss him. I love him...but at this point I'm really confused on what our relationship would even look like if we DID get back together. Granted, the uncertainty is in light of our combative dynamic, but in my opinion reconciling with anything less than the intent to go all the way (eg: marriage) just seems unfair. I think I'd want to marry him if we got back together and bombs stopped exploding every few weeks, but I'm not sure. Sadly, I think the time to 'just date' without serious expectation may have passed. Or maybe it hasn't and I'm just overthinking and being stupid.

 

This happens frequently.

 

Does anyone have general feedback on what the hell a 'trial period' is supposed to look like and what some healthy parameters are?

[Starbourne]

First, I wouldn't move for him, I'd let him move for you.

 

As for the whole trial thing, that's kind of like being friends. When my ex broke up with me, she never verbalized a desire to be friends, but she did try to keep in contact from me. From a dude's perspective (at least my own), being friends with an ex is torture. If I saw her, all I'd want to do is kiss and hold her immediately upon seeing the woman. So by being "just friends" or going through this trial period, it may be particularly rough on him and he may feel like he's being lead on.

 

If he's willing to do that, or rather, he's willing to prove to you that he's made changes (or at least is in the process of), it may go to show that he's serious about you. On the flip side, he might just act on good behavior until he knows he has you again, in which case he may slack off.

 

From my perspective, you should give him several months at the least to prove to you that he's maturing. People don't make big changes like that in a short period of time. Anger is an addiction, and like any thing else, overcoming addictions takes time and effort. Lots of it, too (trust me, i know... I have a mighty fierce temper myself if I'm pushed too far).

 

This time is also useful to work on yourself too.

[mustard1234]

Okay...

 

well, today is a bit of a mixed bag. Haven't heard from him at all, the usual turnaround is about 3 days so, we'll see.

 

Got some great exercise and productivity in today. Had a nutritionally baller breakfast and went to the health food store. Not only am I trying to exact some level of universal vengeance toward nothing in particular by getting in shape...I realized that I have a rogue varicose vein (AAAAAH!) and am also staring 25 in the first-signs-of-smile-lines face...it's put up or shut up time.

 

Making some concrete moves toward grad school applications + booking the family's rooms for graduation! Exciting and scary.

 

Had a great/hilarious/vaguely depressing chat with my brother today. He's younger but for all intents and purposes, my main touchstone for advice and perspective. I trust him more than my friends and am more apt to follow his suggestions than anyone else's...including my mother. Certainly not a father figure by any stretch (though I'm lacking on that end) I listen to him like a wise but loopy uncle. His kneejerk response:

 

"Weren't you done with this (expletive) dude like...6 months ago? Damn". He sometimes volunteers to help with youth ministry events at his church and decided I needed to see one of the videos that they show to the highschoolers. Immediately. So he sets up the Skype, rigs up the video (a tome about maintaining healthy boundaries and self esteem.. complete with a wisecracking devil. No, really) Halfway through, he yells into the camera "Get a pen. You've missed this somehow."

 

It was touching and amusing...sermon was better than anticipated...but, overall, it's quite sad that even my *baby brother* knows this is bulsht.

 

Got the new Erykah Badu album and acquired my (non-bootleg) copy of Jamie Cullum's latest. Not that I had the bootleg one, mind mind you. Mad delayed release to the US...what could I do? Anyhow, fresh music always puts things right.

 

I miss him. I mean, this is nothing new. But the Supremes had my number today. Was playing their greatest hits as I did my hair and started bawling halfway through "Someday We'll Be Together". That's just unnecessary-grade stupid.

 

The thing that's bugging me most today is the sex. My neighbors on both sides were loud and short-lived last night. Deeply annoying...and also reaffirmed my closet fear that I've just sent packing the only man on Earth who can last for two hours. Where's the dagger, Juliet...where's the dagger.

 

Is it stupid that I'm comforted by the idea that maybe, just maybe we'll get back together after I return from the UK? My master's program is only a year. I'll be finished at the same time he's wrapping up his BA in Texas. I have this sublimely well-dressed fantasy of walking up to him in a Jackie O. suit on graduation day...his anger issues magically soothed by time and my wanderlust/ambition temporarily sated by my still-warm degree.

 

Stupid, stupid, stupid. Stop, stop, stop.

 

 

In other news, link removed has been *infinitely* helpful. If nothing else, there's enough material on there that every. single. time. I get into a really bad rut, I can delve into at least an hour's worth of commentary on self esteem exercises and "5 reasons why I'm subconsciously attracting a*sclowns". All jokes aside, there is some honestly phenomenal content here. When I get less lazy, I'll do a separate post elsewhere on the forums for others to benefit.

 

I cooked my own brussels sprouts sans oil and salt...I still want to marry him. So I'm guessing this all balances out to net gain...uh, carry the 4, divide by factorials...ah, yes...NO progress today. Stalled my okcupid account, that's something I guess. Trying to take all of my attention off of XY for now. Build myself up a bit, convert desperately unsolvable horny energy into work productivity, etc.

 

Onward.

 

Still actively, achingly can't wait for the day I don't care. Maybe by next month I can at least get an ETA on when that could be.

[Starbourne]

I'd say listen to your younger brother. Although he may be younger than you, it appears he knows what he's doing.

 

One thing you gotta convince yourself of is that there are, at least, 6.7 billion people on this rock. Let me reiterate that and hammer it home a second time... 6.7 BILLION.

 

Your ex is not the only one who can last 2 hours in bed... Take my word for it, trust me, I know. My ex and I spent from mid night until 3am getting down to business every day for the entire first month of our relationship. We were so jacked up on hormones that we didn't even notice how sleep deprived we were, hahaha. Aww.. the good times...

 

I'm absolutely enthralled that you're exercising and spending your time in a healthy way. I'm majoring in exercise physiology, so that definitely makes Starbourne a happy camper. Well done! Keep working on yourself and build up your self-esteem, because I promise you from the bottom of my heart, this guy you were seeing is not the cream of the crop. There is someone out there who is way better, and they're waiting for you.

 

As for the music... Music definitely has an interesting effect on my mood as well. Since my own break up, I've swung back and forth between listening to sad music (i.e. Michael Buble, Gary Jules etc), to pissed off angry music, (ala DMX, ice Cube, various heavy metal artists etc). I usually find my emotions are in the crapper in the morning, especially if I'm waking up from a dream about my ex. When I do, I pop my head phones in, turn on my MP3 player, and blast the angriest rap music you can think of. It always helps to lighten my mood, hahaha.

 

 

As for the sex issues, I know how that is. I've gone... Uhhh, lets see... 2-3 months now? Yeah. I'm an athlete too, so my sex drive is like supped up Bugatti with a NOS tank in the back seat. Can you say, "vroom vroom"? Torturous, I know.

 

Despite your feeling of making no progress, every day that you use to better yourself is a day of progress, so don't kid yourself. Give yourself more credit; you deserve it. Work on moving forwards, specifically learning how to love and respect YOURSELF, before learning to love someone else.

 

As Rocky Balboa said, "The most important kind of respect is self respect". It couldn't be more true. "You" need to learn to respect yourself before you can genuinely respect, love, and appreciate others. One thing I've learned recently, is that everyone is a mirror for our own self. When we see other people and notice things that irritate us, it's because we're noticing things about ourselves that we haven't worked out yet. Conversely, when we seeing something that we genuinely like, it is a reflection of something that we like within us.

 

Have you ever noticed during a bad break up where the dumper starts spewing nonsense "you're selfish, your this, your that" etc, meanwhile you've done your utmost to be any thing but? They're simply projecting themselves on to you, instead of realizing that THEY are the ones who are selfish, and THEY are the ones who are "this and that".

 

It's funny, because my ex did exactly that to me. She told me that I ignored my friends and never made time for them, when in reality, she ignored me for 3 weeks before breaking up with me and overall treated me like I was her bi*ch. Hah... Yeah right. I treated her like a queen.

 

 

I'll check that blog out and read through it a bit. It sounds interesting.

[mustard1234]

I posted this here awhile ago. The mods were awesome and removed/gave me a citation for excessive profanity. I've since Amished the 'offensive content'.

 

(blank stare)

 

This was breakup #651, initiated by him while I was in Africa. (Not to be confused with, #652, the current breakup and reason why we're here). For us, this was an amazingly mild, run-of-the-mill and underwhelming split. He knew he didn't mean it, and so did I. Much more of an exercise in formality. It's actually (ironically) a fantastic example of our banter and how entertaining it is. We riff off of eachother like black n' white moviestars. I love it. Without the turn toward unacceptable drama, we could truly be Danny & Tess Ocean. It's possible that my romanticizing it like I just did is part of the problem. By possible, I mean highly likely.

 

The thing was, this conversation just...snapped something in me. I have no idea what, but I heard it go 'crack'. Right here. Not loud or sobby just '...Oh, okay. We're done, then.' Of course there's the neverending push/pull of emotions that leads to things like 5 pages musing on his his eye color (changes depending on his mood. blue to green. sigh.) and comparison of his member to the thickness of a Gatorade cap (...he wins. sigh from deeper regions of soul).

 

But the small, tiny chards of what could appear to be a backbone when examined under a microscope started to forge here. Not enough to keep me from breaking when he called again, but sufficient enough that I didn't jump back into the cycle and somehow bared my teeth and asked him to go away.

 

The BEST part of it all was, when he called me as if nothing had happened after I got home from my trip (research on orphan care in Tanzania...he was supposed to come...) I asked him why he'd 'called it off' in the conversation below. His response "No, babe. I wasn't breaking up with you like, for real. You just totally weren't in a position to talk dirty and...it just wasn't worth it 'til you got back."

 

There's a 7% chance he was joking. I'll hang onto that for hope.

 

Have we covered that he's a sex addict, yet? As in bonafide sincere, self-admitted addict. For him 'no' on any sexual front is internalized as an absolutely egregious offense tantamount to me using the words "I don't care about you or your needs, go crawl into a sewer and die of consumption". And he treats it like that. I think he stopped talking to me for 2 days once because I chose not to be 15 minutes late for a meeting as opposed to giving him a handjob. I don't do anything to positively affect his situation, my drive is non-traditionally high (as I'm sure is apparent in my commentary) so that's not helping him any. Also, he has said point blank that many occasions where he's been horrible to me are because he was afraid of permanently losing access to sex with me or because we were separated and he wasn't getting any, or because "it's so good/I do it for him so much" that I'm *obligated* to keep him from going without. Not sure how that logic pans out when mixed with, you know, reality. Not a complaint (going 3 times a day was more than fine by me...it's the amazingly absurd fits that caused issues) as much as an observation.

 

 

Anyhow, we digress. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: The end of my relationship.

 

 

 

 

[3/19/10 9:49:38 AM] Him: hii

[3/19/10 9:49:56 AM] Me: too many vowels, yo.

[3/19/10 9:50:22 AM] Me: hi

[3/19/10 9:54:35 AM] Me: web karma's a bsh. this is what you get for pouting instead of talking to me when i was stateside

[3/19/10 9:55:14 AM] Me: are you getting any of this? the internet is wonky.

[3/19/10 9:55:16 AM] Me: lol

[3/19/10 9:55:24 AM] Me: everything ive sent so far still says 'pending'

[3/19/10 9:55:32 AM] Me: the chat thing is set to vomit on you in a minute

[3/19/10 9:55:33 AM] Him: hi

[3/19/10 9:55:35 AM] Him: yes, I got that. all 40 messages, lol.

[3/19/10 9:55:40 AM] Him: verdict--you're mean

[3/19/10 9:55:43 AM] Him: come visit me

[3/19/10 9:55:56 AM] Me: ...

[3/19/10 9:56:04 AM] Me: ive been thinking about that

[3/19/10 9:56:06 AM] Me: um

[3/19/10 9:56:12 AM] Me: is that even a good idea?

[3/19/10 9:56:15 AM] Me: like, actually?

[3/19/10 9:56:18 AM] Me: in theory it is

[3/19/10 9:56:19 AM] Him: yes

[3/19/10 9:56:21 AM] Me: but...actually...

[3/19/10 9:56:23 AM] Me: is it?

[3/19/10 9:57:43 AM] Him: it's a great idea

[3/19/10 9:57:45 AM] Him: you're hot and I'm horny

[3/19/10 9:58:21 AM] Him: so get on the bus like spike

[3/19/10 9:59:00 AM] Me: im not sure if were ready for all that

[3/19/10 9:59:08 AM] Me: ...maybe we can handle it but, maybe not

[3/19/10 10:00:09 AM] Him: your internet asplode, my friend.

[3/19/10 10:00:48 AM] Me: if these messages set to pending one more time

[3/19/10 10:00:51 AM] Me: im going to scream

[3/19/10 10:01:27 AM] Me: (scream)

[3/19/10 10:02:33 AM] Me: im going to need some collateral

[3/19/10 10:03:20 AM] Me: but it might be weird, yeah? or maybe i'm just thinking too much (surprise, surprise)

[3/19/10 10:03:22 AM] Him: uh

[3/19/10 10:03:26 AM] Him: ok how about this

[3/19/10 10:03:28 AM] Me: i mean really weird

[3/19/10 10:03:42 AM] Me: yes

[3/19/10 10:03:51 AM] Him: I'll buy your hotel

[3/19/10 10:04:07 AM] Him: and feed you

[3/19/10 10:04:13 AM] Him: (double entendre, but actual food too)

[3/19/10 10:04:19 AM] Me: (gasp)

[3/19/10 10:04:20 AM] Me: um

[3/19/10 10:04:23 AM] Me: no

[3/19/10 10:04:24 AM] Me: i prefer

[3/19/10 10:04:29 AM] Me: you buy half my ticket. that's good enough collateral to get moving on 'reconciliation attempt #410,390.5', don't you think?

[3/19/10 10:04:44 AM] Me: we can go dutch on food + shagpad

[3/19/10 10:04:45 AM] Him: lemme look at ticket prices

[3/19/10 10:04:51 AM] Him: when are you coming?

[3/19/10 10:05:04 AM] Me: um

[3/19/10 10:05:05 AM] Me: lets see

[3/19/10 10:05:19 AM] Me: april is bad

[3/19/10 10:05:23 AM] Me: ...2nd weekend of may?

[3/19/10 10:05:28 AM] Me: or is that baseball

[3/19/10 10:05:45 AM] Him: baseball is every day april 5th until october

[3/19/10 10:05:46 AM] Me: i mean...its all baseball

[3/19/10 10:05:50 AM] Him: so don't schedule around that

[3/19/10 10:05:59 AM] Me: well april is choir

[3/19/10 10:06:03 AM] Me: we have 3 concerts that month

[3/19/10 10:06:09 AM] Him: how's June?

[3/19/10 10:06:10 AM] Me: so im sure every weekend leading up = fail

[3/19/10 10:06:13 AM] Me: june sucks

[3/19/10 10:06:20 AM] Me: ill be hyper busy w graduation stuff

[3/19/10 10:06:25 AM] Me: then going with my family somewhere

[3/19/10 10:06:29 AM] Him: july?

[3/19/10 10:06:30 AM] Me: is may undoable?

[3/19/10 10:06:35 AM] Me: july = australia

[3/19/10 10:06:43 AM] Me: like...whats wrong with may

[3/19/10 10:06:52 AM] Me: money? time? school?

[3/19/10 10:07:02 AM] Him: a combination of the three

[3/19/10 10:07:09 AM] Him: two people take vacations in may

[3/19/10 10:07:12 AM] Him: so I work 60 hour weeks

[3/19/10 10:07:22 AM] Me: hot damn

[3/19/10 10:07:35 AM] Me: okay is there *any* space in may?

[3/19/10 10:07:43 AM] Me: (after may 10)

[3/19/10 10:07:47 AM] Him: I have to check the vacation calendar at work

[3/19/10 10:07:55 AM] Him: off the top of my head, I don't think so

[3/19/10 10:08:05 AM] Me: i mean, ill have schoolwork to do...you dont need to take off a workday

[3/19/10 10:08:08 AM] Him: I know my boss already approached me about the last two weeks in may, and I think Steve talked about going for the first two weeks

[3/19/10 10:08:20 AM] Him: I work 5 days, 12 hours a day those weeks

[3/19/10 10:08:29 AM] Him: I'd have maybe a day to spend time with you. That sucks.

[3/19/10 10:08:39 AM] Me: they actually will have to close the place when you quit. haha.

[3/19/10 10:08:46 AM] Me: yeah june is just...

[3/19/10 10:08:53 AM] Him: ok, never mind then

[3/19/10 10:08:58 AM] Me: my ass

[3/19/10 10:09:07 AM] Me: whats your april look like

[3/19/10 10:09:14 AM] Him: busy as hell

[3/19/10 10:09:18 AM] Me: worse than may/

[3/19/10 10:09:24 AM] Him: about twice as bad

[3/19/10 10:09:29 AM] Him: but that's mostly school stuff

[3/19/10 10:09:45 AM] Me: well were really only talking about a 48-72h jaunt here, right?

[3/19/10 10:09:55 AM] Him: yeah, no thanks

[3/19/10 10:10:04 AM] Him: I want more than a booty call

[3/19/10 10:10:10 AM] Me: ...in the middle of the schoolyear?

[3/19/10 10:10:20 AM] Him: It says 'dating' not 'whatever i can get' on my facebook for a reason.

[3/19/10 10:10:29 AM] Me: who do you think i am, a friggin power ranger?

[3/19/10 10:10:41 AM] Me: and um, booty call is 6h tops, fyi

[3/19/10 10:10:44 AM] Me: just sayin

[3/19/10 10:10:55 AM] Him: but it's fine

[3/19/10 10:10:59 AM] Him: if you're right back to gogogo

[3/19/10 10:11:04 AM] Him: we don't need to be together

[3/19/10 10:11:09 AM] Me: ...

[3/19/10 10:11:13 AM] Me: what does that even mean. like, actually, what in English does that even roughly correspond to?

[3/19/10 10:11:20 AM] Him: I'll stop trying to square peg round hole this

[3/19/10 10:11:29 AM] Me: youre 'gogogoing april' and may

[3/19/10 10:11:40 AM] Me: so its my fault that my summer is crappy?

[3/19/10 10:11:47 AM] Me: Cue: "...yes".

[3/19/10 10:11:53 AM] Him: yes

[3/19/10 10:12:00 AM] Him: because the things I'm choosing over you: keeping my job and staying in college

[3/19/10 10:12:09 AM] Him: the things you're choosing over me: less important

[3/19/10 10:12:25 AM] Him: so it's fine

[3/19/10 10:12:32 AM] Me: graduating college, seeing my family that i havent seen in a year and making good on a trip that other people are already committed to. we're almost ready for the deposit.

[3/19/10 10:12:32 AM] Him: I promise to leave you alone

[3/19/10 10:12:36 AM] Him: enjoy the world without me

[3/19/10 10:12:46 AM] Me: tu es le grand bebe!

[3/19/10 10:12:48 AM] Me: ugh

[3/19/10 10:12:49 AM] Him: it's always "I already have a deposit" with you

[3/19/10 10:13:02 AM] Him: it's obvious you have more of an investment in other things than me

[3/19/10 10:13:03 AM] Me: its always, i need to tend to slot machines with you Author's Note: He's a (legalized) bookie and pro poker player in the desert just outside Vegas. Sneer all you want, I think it's the hottest most baller thing in the entire world.

[3/19/10 10:13:05 AM] Him: that's fine, but I deserve more

[3/19/10 10:13:09 AM] Me: GUY

[3/19/10 10:13:11 AM] Me: wt f

[3/19/10 10:13:13 AM] Him: except that's not what I do

[3/19/10 10:13:19 AM] Me: (i know)

[3/19/10 10:13:22 AM] Me: (clearly. i know)

[3/19/10 10:13:27 AM] Him: I work my ass off so I can have enough money to pay for college

[3/19/10 10:13:31 AM] Him: some of us don't have minority skin

[3/19/10 10:13:36 AM] Me: and im proud of you

[3/19/10 10:13:37 AM] Me: slash

[3/19/10 10:13:43 AM] Him: so again

[3/19/10 10:13:43 AM] Me: if you play the race card one more time...

[3/19/10 10:13:47 AM] Him: you have no vested interest

[3/19/10 10:13:50 AM] Him: take a hike

[3/19/10 10:14:03 AM] Me: youre the one sending me marvin gaye and love letters for three weeks, guy.

[3/19/10 10:14:05 AM] Him: I deserve more than 5th place on my future wife's priority wheel

[3/19/10 10:14:07 AM] Him: enjoy your trip

[3/19/10 10:14:10 AM] Him: yeah, my fault

[3/19/10 10:14:18 AM] Him: I assumed you would care about me at some point

[3/19/10 10:14:20 AM] Him: I'm stupid

[3/19/10 10:14:35 AM] Me: wait

[3/19/10 10:14:37 AM] Me: may i please

[3/19/10 10:14:39 AM] Me: please

[3/19/10 10:14:44 AM] Me: request mature and civil conversation

[3/19/10 10:14:47 AM] Me: per favore

[3/19/10 10:14:48 AM] Him: nope

[3/19/10 10:14:54 AM] Him: you can request to come see me.

[3/19/10 10:14:59 AM] Me: seriously. im really asking you

[3/19/10 10:15:06 AM] Me: to just...chill for a second

[3/19/10 10:15:10 AM] Me: possible?

[3/19/10 10:15:31 AM] Him: unless the next words out of your mouth are: "I promise to be with you X date"

[3/19/10 10:15:33 AM] Him: then save your breath

[3/19/10 10:15:58 AM] Me: so it means nothing to you that im willing to rearrange *my* schedule anytime that im free

[3/19/10 10:16:05 AM] Me: (which is, with limited exceptions, anytime between now and june 1)

[3/19/10 10:16:12 AM] Him: except you're not

[3/19/10 10:16:19 AM] Me: um

[3/19/10 10:16:20 AM] Me: yes

[3/19/10 10:16:35 AM] Him: "so it means nothing that I'll rearrange my schedule for TWO WHOLE MONTHS?"

[3/19/10 10:16:41 AM] Him: yep, nail on the head. get a trophy for the lady, bob.

[3/19/10 10:16:53 AM] Me: esp considering that i was talking to you with my credit card in my hand and you said toss off when i was trying to come see you during this past break...and the one before that.

[3/19/10 10:17:01 AM] Me: i was really building my research/finals schedule around the visit we were talking about at the time.

[3/19/10 10:17:05 AM] Me: and you told me to (insert base term for copulation) a tree

[3/19/10 10:17:16 AM] Him: did you?

[3/19/10 10:17:28 AM] Me: little arbor jr is due in august

[3/19/10 10:17:37 AM] Him: nice

[3/19/10 10:17:45 AM] Me: but seriously

[3/19/10 10:17:47 AM] Him: 3 month tree pregnancy. win.

[3/19/10 10:17:57 AM] Me: (different gestation time)

[3/19/10 10:18:10 AM] Me: really

[3/19/10 10:18:24 AM] Me: just calm it down, cast member of saved by the bell

[3/19/10 10:18:36 AM] Him: I'm perfectly calm

[3/19/10 10:18:36 AM] Him: Also, we've been over this. I much prefer California Dreams cast member.

[3/19/10 10:18:53 AM] Me: you reject 800 offers of when i CAN see you (sidebar: did you see the Fallon performance?)

[3/19/10 10:19:04 AM] Him: if by 800 you mean 2 (counter-sidebar: Legendary. I texted you, but forgot you're with Mufasa & co.)

[3/19/10 10:19:09 AM] Me: ...

[3/19/10 10:19:10 AM] Me: what

[3/19/10 10:19:11 AM] Me: e

[3/19/10 10:19:11 AM] Me: v

[3/19/10 10:19:12 AM] Me: e

[3/19/10 10:19:13 AM] Me: r

[3/19/10 10:19:19 AM] Me: at least 10

[3/19/10 10:19:23 AM] Me: possibly 20

[3/19/10 10:19:30 AM] Him: because april and may = 10

[3/19/10 10:19:43 AM] Me: because since i came to school in fall = 100+

[3/19/10 10:19:54 AM] Him: more like 5

[3/19/10 10:19:59 AM] Me: fail. fail. fail. effing fail.

[3/19/10 10:20:02 AM] Him: but you're forgetting something

[3/19/10 10:20:25 AM] Him: I need to be more important than random world trips

[3/19/10 10:20:26 AM] Him: I'm not

[3/19/10 10:20:28 AM] Him: same old problem

[3/19/10 10:20:45 AM] Me: if by random you mean planned since thanksgiving, then...sure

[3/19/10 10:20:58 AM] Him: ok, then august?

[3/19/10 10:21:26 AM] Me: i think ill have a week between kangaroo land and chile

[3/19/10 10:21:27 AM] Me: yeah

[3/19/10 10:21:31 AM] Me: thats pretty good

[3/19/10 10:21:35 AM] Me: but thats so long from now

[3/19/10 10:21:37 AM] Me: and, we

[3/19/10 10:21:39 AM] Him: because chile was planned since thanksgiving?

[3/19/10 10:21:48 AM] Me: tend to not get along for extended periods of time

[3/19/10 10:21:52 AM] Me: (you know this)

[3/19/10 10:22:05 AM] Me: well have tried to kill eachother 9 times by them

[3/19/10 10:22:18 AM] Him: oh, and chile was planned since thanksgiving? you've talked to me and said you were going to ANOTHER place?

[3/19/10 10:22:20 AM] Him: Let me help you...no you haven't. see? full of sht. You doing these things without talking to me just says that you don't care about me at all. You could've at least talked to me first.

[3/19/10 10:22:23 AM] Me: no...we were NOT together. why would i ever consult you when you weren't a factor in my life at the time?

[3/19/10 10:22:24 AM] Him: Do you know how much it hurts when you say those things to me? It's like you're trying to see how much you can cause pain. You know that no matter what we say, I'm always wanting to be with you. You know that. And you still make plans in your life like I'm not even there. That kills me.

[3/19/10 10:22:29 AM] Him: just, enjoy life without me

[3/19/10 10:22:32 AM] Him: I'll be better off

[3/19/10 10:22:35 AM] Me: (expletive)

[3/19/10 10:22:44 AM] Him: getting ready for work now

[3/19/10 10:22:45 AM] Me: i mean how much time did you *want* for this visit? you haven't answered me. we've always planned on just a few days. every time.

[3/19/10 10:22:48 AM] Him: bye

[3/19/10 10:22:52 AM] Me: seriously

[3/19/10 10:22:57 AM] Me: were you talking more than a week?

[3/19/10 10:23:00 AM] Me: talk to me.

[3/19/10 10:23:06 AM] Me: this is so dramatic

[3/19/10 10:23:10 AM] Me: unnecessarily so

[3/19/10 10:23:12 AM] Me: enjoy work today

[3/19/10 10:23:22 AM] Me: im making coucous, garlic veggies and cake for the house and the nannies today.

[3/19/10 10:23:45 AM] Me: wish you cared about actually being together more than you cared about being "right" all the time

[3/19/10 10:23:58 AM] Me: and that you werent such a mothereffing drama queen ALL the time. i wish i even vaguely understood where the hell you're come from.

[3/19/10 10:24:25 AM] Me: i lust you, i cant stand you, i love you, i cant be in the same room with you for 5 minutes

[3/19/10 10:24:28 AM] Me: THATS the problem

[3/19/10 10:24:32 AM] Me: goodnight

[3/19/10 10:24:44 AM] Me: im sure youll be sending me poetry in 3 days or less Author's Note: It was actually a song he wrote...5 days later.

[3/19/10 10:25:46 AM] Me: one day i'll slow down and you'll grow up

[3/19/10 10:25:59 AM] Me: that awesome day, if im not pregnant and youre still hot...we can make this work

[3/19/10 10:26:14 AM] Me: til then...cot DAMN...no

[3/19/10 10:26:21 AM] Me: (yes, cot)

[3/19/10 10:26:28 AM] Me: goodnight and good luck, etc

[3/19/10 10:30:20 AM] Me: hopefully all of that made it. we're on generators today.

[mustard1234]

@starb

 

Thanks so much for the feedback. I was writing the above posts + a reply to you and had a narcoleptic attack yesterday. Just had enough time to post up these flapjacks before heading to Easter service...will definitely give a more thoughtful reply this afternoon.

 

 

[Starbourne]

Hey,

 

So, I just finished reading your discussion with your ex, and here are my thoughts:

 

First of all, I'm gunna kick it to you straight. You're a smart girl, so there is no need for me to do otherwise.

 

I strongly believe that all your ex wants from you is sex, nothing more. While yes, there is banter back and forth in a relationship (which is perfectly normal and in moderation, healthy) that can be comical and funny, the banter back and forth from him to you seemed nothing short of just straight up disrespectful. Like I said, it seemed clear to me that the only reason he wanted to see you was to nail you.

 

Now let me ask you something. Do you want to be in a relationship in which someone disrespects you constantly and is using you as a f**k buddy, and nothing more? I surely hope to goodness you have more self respect than that. You sound like a highly intelligent, witty, attractive girl. Why should you put up with crap like that?

 

Let me tell you something. I'm a high performance combat athlete. That means I train for boxing, mixed martial arts etc etc, and I have an extraordinarily high sex drive. As in, if I could, I'd have sex before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and in between meals. Despite this, when I was with my girl, sex wasn't nearly as important to me as all the little things. What I'm talking about is showing her that I genuinely cared for and loved her. I'm talking about making her smile, holding and comforting her when she was upset, supporting her, taking care of her when she was sick, lying on the couch together with my arms around her watching tv, holding hands... hell, even just sitting with her and spending idle time together. Those small things meant far more to me than what we did in bed together.

 

And don't get me wrong. I'm not a mushy guy. On the contrary, I'm Mr. First Name: Get down, Last Name: Go hard... But it still mattered and was a high priority to SHOW my girl that I loved her. She often told me that she knew I loved her because of all the small things that I did; not because I told her so, and it was true.

 

Let me kick it to you like this. If some idiot ever pulled a gun on her and pulled the trigger, I'd jumped in front of her and take it without hesitation or regret. I would of died for her. No BS.

 

That's what a relationship should be like, in my eyes. I'll also mention that the most important thing to form the foundation of a relationship is mutual respect. Secondly, open and honest communication. Do you feel like your ex respects you? Is he the type of person you feel comfortable knowing that you can share your deepest, darkest, ugliest secrets with and feel comfortable doing so? If not, I suggest you move on.

 

Sex is an important part of a relationship, however, it shouldn't form the backbone of one. Loving and caring for your significant other should be the foundation for which everything grows from. You say you want to marry this man, but if ever a time in life comes where things get sketchy; get hard, do you have 100% belief that he will stick by you through it? 'Cause I guarantee you, life ain't all sunshine and rainbows, and there WILL come a time when it feels like the apocalypse is near and your whole life comes crashing down in front of your feet. When that happens, who are you going to turn to first for help and support? Your man. Don't you want someone who ACTUALLY cares for you enough to stick by your side and support you? Do you not deserve that?

 

 

As I told you earlier, you sound like a highly intelligent, witty, sexy girl. There are 6.7 billion people on this world. You have a great personality. Why settle for less when there is more waiting for you?

[mustard1234]

@ Starbourne

 

You sir, have quite the writer's elbow yourself. Thanks for the feedback. It really helps to hear another perspective.

 

Operation get-off-your-ass has officially begun. I'm a size 8 (not bad, not yowza) and the goal is a 4. More than inches per se, I'm really focusing on tone and developing strength. Though knowing bikinis are an option (hate the stupid things and didn't even wear them back in highschool so I won't start...but knowing the option is feasible) will be a good thing. We'll see how it goes. It's gorgeous spring weather so I'm getting out every morning at 6am to walk on the track or take a brief jog outside. My school's phys ed courses are starting up next week and I've enrolled in a few: Zumba, Ultimate Frisbee and Booty n' Abs. (Yes, that's a real name of a real class). That should be enough to make a good dent.

 

I appreciate the reassurance that I have not, in fact, dumped the last man on planet Earth. It's just kind of easy to lose perspective of that. I've been actively focusing on reminding myself that I'm a whole person, who deserves more than that and really shouldn't be stressing relationships AT ALL at this point in my life. There's better use of energy and focus. The hope is that these 'restorative' thoughts will kind of take over the moping mechanism...that's the idea anyway. We'll see how it pans out.

 

I'm going to challenge/contradict your notions on the music you talked about in your first post a little bit, lol. Not only do I have uplifting Buble ( ), but I also come bearing mellow Ice Cube ( ) I understand though, about just saying eardrums be damned sometimes and cranking it to sweat the pain out.

 

On to heavier things...

 

I think I've given the ex a little bit of a bad rap with the sex. We didn't hook up for the entire first three months of our relationship. Not a thing past gentle kisses, handholding and maybe a backrub. It was mostly talking on the phone to start. Yes, he has an addiction and his priorites + behavior are out of line, not ignoring that, but truth be told *I'M* probably the one completely fixated on it. I've had 3 partners total. My experience is relatively limited and the ex before this one offered zero emotional intimacy and was also just...a prude for lack of a better word. It left me feeling really sexually frustrated, undesirable and kind of crappy. He wasn't a bad guy by any means he simply wasn't that into the sex, or me, all that much and it hurt. The guy I lost my virginity to was so NOT it (not his fault. the chemistry between us was just off which, after a 2 year relationship was surprising and disheartening to say the least). I had no idea why sex was even worth having, let alone any concept of it being 'good'. So, to have a hot guy who was really into my body and knew exactly how to rock my world--you have to understand that this was like giving a 32 oz Jack Daneils-infused Fruit Punch Gatorade to someone dying in the Sahara...intravenously at that.

 

Where I do agree with you is that both of us put sex way, way, way too high on the priority list. With it being the only consistenly satisfactory and pleasant part of an otherwise mixed-bag relationship filled with extreme highs and lows, we fell into that classic movie-of-the-week trap of using our physical intimacy as an opiate/balm/cure-all. It worked for awhile. It's what makes it so hard to stay away. It's what has kept us both thinking "Well, maybe..." for over a year. In fact, it's why I probably can't see him ever again...ever...because I *know* I'd end up spread accross the kitchen table in glitter heels within 30 seconds.

 

In terms of the non-naked forms of intimacy, I haven't given him enough credit here. When we started out, he was amazing. For at least 5 months of us going out, we were in heaven. He actually does know all of my deep-darks and stowed away pieces. He has it all. Yet another reason the extraction process has been very difficult. When we were first getting to know eachother, we opened up like floodgates. He was amazingly supportive and kind. Listened to every last one of my dreams for the future (which we'd later fight to the death over). He even helped me move within a month of meeting him. Convinced me to take out my extensions, haha, because he thought the 'real' me was prettier...that was probably BS but, it really was the best decision I ever made. Sent pizza to the apartment once when I was shorted on my pacheck and too proud to say anything about the empty fridge. Stayed up with me til 5am when Michael Jackson died becuase I'd fainted twice and kept throwing up between wails (...all comments will be kept to yourself, thanks. lol). As you can see, I'm not shy about talking/writing a lot. The love letters and chat marathons we used to have about everything from Nicktoons to the hurts from our parents' divorces, were something I'd never had before and doubt will get to experience again. He was my absolute prince and I swear I loved him more than anything in the entirety of the world--and THEN he took my clothes off. Man, I was so gone it ain't even funny.

 

I promise you, Betty Friedan and Montel Williams are the only reason I've not driven to his house to sit on his doorstep and beg for him to take me back. Sigh.

 

You're also nail on the head about the issue of respect. I know, for complete sure, that he doesn't resepect me. I won't even go into the 5,298 examples. He doesn't. He lusts me, he thinks I'm smart, but zero respect for me as a woman, 'his (former) girl' or a human being in general. Point blank.

 

A huge red flag in the beginning though that I should've taken more seriously...he was always pushing for more details about me and nearly *rushing* me to open up to him and trust him. I told him that I felt we were emotionally moving too fast. He'd pout or shut down when he felt that I was 'witholding'. It weirded me out, but I took it as a sign of his intensity and went with it. It's actually probably part of his issues. He demands intimacy, all the time. Physical and emotional and if he feels 'denied' he gets monkey-in-a-cage nasty. Toward the beginning of this year (the absolute apex of us mutually being bloodthirsty vigilante helldemons to eachother), he would commit ultimate no-no and use a few of the things he knew would hurt me as ammo in a fight. That just...killed me. That's where my anger came from, that betrayal. I lost trust there that I haven't been able to restore and it makes me so sad. I truly believed that he would always be there for me and never, ever do anything to harm me. Or at least if he did, show remorse and at least try to fix it. He said so, I felt so...and whenever we make up, he reels me in with the same rhetoric he used when we first started talking and it is Luther Vandross flavored butter in my ears every time. I wasn't exaggerating in my first post, I woke up thanking God every day for (finally) sending the man I was going to marry.

 

 

Sigh. Whatever.

 

DAMN that's a lot of writing. Mi dispiace. Bottom line: I'm trying. I swear. I really, really am. We're NC, mostly upheld by him. I've found a few stupid things to tell him since I've started this thread and he hasn't replied (Thank God. I don't have plans to be in touch again). I'm broken and I miss him just as much as I miss what we almost/could have/used to be.

 

The entire thing is ripping my fking heart out and only thing keeping me going is that one day I'll get over it (I don't even hold hope of finding better...that part just makes me start crying. I'll stick on the 'over it' portion for now.) If I just keep pushing. I can put this whole thing into perspective, grow and just move on.

 

First step is fully convincing myself that I WANT to move on. Guess I'm closer today than I was last week, if for nothing else than the merit of time passing.

 

I'm trying.

[Starbourne]

Glad to hear you're getting into shape and hauling some ass. It will help you tremendously with your self esteem and confidence. Being physically fit is important for, well... Not only the physical aspect of yourself, but the emotional, mental, and spiritual aspects as well. On top of that, the endorphin rush you'll get after exercising will help to pick up your mood and leave you on an emotional high, sans unhealthy drugs.

 

 

My point on the music wasn't so much to encourage you to start listening to marilyn manson and head bang like a baby born in a mosh pit (it's bad for brain cells any how, and intelligence is a major asset =p), but simply to encourage listening to music that lifts you up. At times you'll listen to music that'll make you cry, and at times that may be what you need to help get all the hurt out, but there will be times when you should strive to listen to tunes that are upbeat and have a positive message; it'll help cultivate your emotional and mental strength. As to what kind of music does that for you, that's totally up to you, lol.

 

And Ice Cube is straight up, the man. It Was A Good Day is a great song. The man has a lot of good stuff. Much respect to Ice.

 

Your ex boy friends sound like a bunch of tards, to be honest, and I can completely sympathize and empathize with you. My dating experience has been limited as well, with only 3-4 "girl friends" prior to the last girl I dated. The first girl was cool, we just weren't compatible. The second cheated on me with my best friend, the third cheated on me and got pregnant with a drug dealer, the forth used and manipulated me in some really craptacular ways, AND cheated on me. So I completely understand what that was like. However that being said, as much as those past relationships have done a fair amount of damage, I don't regret them one bit. Why? Because they made me smarter, wiser, and emotionally, MUCH stronger. The most important part is to not let THEIR issues become your issues. The one dude you mentioned didn't want to have sex with you. Does that say anything bad about you? Hell no. It says he was insecure and probably scared of the idea of gettin' down with a lady. He probably felt his manhood wasn't adequate. You, then, most likely interpreted this as you being unattractive or unworthy, which I can guarantee isn't the case. Even if it was and he was completely sexually unattracted to you, whose loss is it really? It's his loss; not yours.

 

As for your current ex, whether he put sex as his priority or not doesn't really matter. What matters is his lack of respect for you. He's done numerous things to spit in your face and took you for granted. Not cool. You deserve better.

 

As for his intensity, I can relate to that. All cockiness and arrogance aside, I'm a very intense individual, and most people can't handle it. My life is literally "Go, Go, Go!!!" (hence high performance athlete), and my mind set/personality reflects this. In relationships, I tend to move fast. I told my girl I loved her after 2 months of dating, and I meant it too (in which she replied she loved me as well, then proceeded with a massive make out and cuddling session... Damn these memories...). However, despite this, I never pressured her into doing anything she didn't want to do, or sharing anything she didn't want to share. If she told me something, I wanted her to tell me because SHE WANTED to tell me, not because I wanted her to. What did it boil down to? *Attempts to sing in a womanly, Aretha Franklin type voice while failing horribly* R.E.S.P.E.C.T, fiiind ooouuuut whaaaat iiiiiiiiiiit meaaaans toooo meeeeeee.

 

Oh god. My throat. It hurts...

 

I'll let madam franklin do it herself. Check it out:

 

The fact that he demands intimacy all the time wreaks of insecurity, and in any relationship, you shouldn't be making demands of your partner. Your partner, and yourself, should be giving, WILLINGLY, and if there is something that one wants and the other doesn't feel comfortable with then it needs to be talked about in a mature, respectful, loving manner. Demands? Pfft. If a significant other started making demands on me, the only thing they'd get back is a middle finger, and a demotion to less-than significant. Again... *sings* R.E.S.P.EEEEEEEEEEEEE.C.T!

 

Oh god. That was horrible.

 

 

By his major betrayal, I'm going to go ahead and assume he cheated (captain obvious to the rescue!). Personally, cheating for me is a deal breaker. You cheat, you're gone. Hit the road. It's the biggest breach of trust, and trust is an absolute necessity in a relationship for me. Cheating is the tactical nuclear warhead of relationship killers.

 

I know it's painful. When I realized my relationship was over, I felt like my whole world had been destroyed. On top of that, I was going through a major life crisis, and she dumped me in the middle of it, right when I needed her the most. She straight up refused to see me when she dumped me, and would only talk to me about it on facebook. Yep... a facebook break up. This was the girl who told me she loved me and wanted to marry me, and now had ignored me for 3 weeks, and then refused to see me, talk to me on the phone, and dumped me over the internet. It's painful, but one thing you need to always remind yourself of is that you aren't a victim, you're a survivor. There's a huge difference. Victims are weak; survivors are strong.

 

Keep up with the no contact. Be strong. I know it's tough. I'm on... Uh... Daaaaaay... *checks calendar*... 12 of no contact, myself. Today was rough. I missed her terribly. Memories kept flooding back, and it's nothing short of brutality. Stay strong and keep forging ahead despite it, and constantly remind yourself that he is NOT the only man out there, and that you WILL find better. This I can promise.

 

Chin up!

[LBP]

Wooo-doggie. That took some reading.

 

I am quite sure you already know all the reasons to stay away from this kind. You're quite aware that your arguments in his favor are irrational and generally fueled by fantasy. Let's not fool ourselves on that front.

 

You're weighing a pair of emotional decisions, here: do the cool thing of getting abroad; do the romantic thing of shacking up with King Loser. To me, it's a matter of comparing the outcomes, and their relative worth. It is entirely possible that you will never again have the opportunity to study abroad, with the associated benefits of being situated in England, surrounded by the density of Europe, not to mention the many networks you will build therein. It is virtually impossible that you will not meet another man. There are loads of men. From sea to shining sea. If I throw you out of an airplane, at random, chances are there will be men on every horizon. I could abandon you in the middle of the desert, and chances are that a man would come along eventually (not the best place to meet people, but you take my point). Want to know how many men there are in Europe? A crap load. More per square kilometer than in the US, I'll tell you that much. And guess what: a lot of them are dark-haired, sophisticated, manly, and incredible lovers to boot.

 

Best part: as an exotic person, they'll be turning themselves in knots wanting to get to know you.

 

So. You have this one guy, one guy out of billions. A generic opportunity, one that has tremendous, potentially costly, potentially life-ruining downside. And then you have the once in a lifetime opportunity of traveling to, and living in, Europe. The scale is broken. Placing these options upon has caused it to break. In fact, if we turn quickly, we might just catch a glimpse of old whatshisname disappearing into the distance. The disparity in these options has turned our scale into a catapult.

 

If I were you, I'd erase him, circa now. Cut contact. Off the social networks. Delete the phone number. Burn letters *unopened*. Better yet, contract a trusted associate to do that last bit. You're addicted, and you're not getting clean unless you go cold turkey. Square one. Start now. A relapse will destroy all your hard work, and I wouldn't be surprised if you've got a relapse or two left in your system. That happens to everybody. But at the end of the day, you'll come out of this thing with a glistening coat of strength and independence that the next guy, probably the coolest guy you will ever meet, will be able to see a mile away. And it'll be worth every second of the hard work ahead of you.

[mustard1234]

Ultimate action: Blocked contact with him on facebook/myspace/all pixelated or newsfed protocols. Blocked phone number.

 

Effect: Certain that something in me is suffocating. Totally unsure how to breathe, what will fix it and not remembering why this is good or even remotely called for.

 

 

 

I'm crying tonight.

 

Pretty hard.

 

After a successful hiatus, both internal and external, from dealing with this for a bit...he called me today.

 

Bought me another plane ticket, he said. He needs me, he says. Needs me more than anything or anyone and is willing to do whatever it takes to set this right. Took a job in Texas today with more room for travel and better benefits so I could at least be closer to happy if I decided to come. His voice and the look in his eyes was enough to split me open.

 

He promises it'll be different, that I/we/he will be happy forever if I just 'let go of the past' and trust him one more time.

 

He cried. I cried.

 

I don't have the strength to keep pushing him away. I love him. I just do.

 

Yeah I'd be in Texas but the gas bill would be paid and I could come home to loving arms every. single. night.

 

Certainly a lot to forget but if I did, maybe just maybe he means it. There was a time I was sure that we could have everything. I'm telling you, when it was on...it was on. I hate myself pretty bad for wanting so desperately to believe.

 

Can someone please tell me what else I think I'm chasing? what do i actually have except for a pocketful of maps that i dont really have the money for yet. today i realized that im still human (despite my best one-handed Wonderwoman costume). I'm behind on my phone messages and dont have my homework done. Job offer in new orleans fell through. Not broken but humbled and tipping on discouraged. I can't do it all. I can do a whole hell of a freaking lot but I can't do it all. Especially not by myself. I want to be safe and secure...I want someone on my side/by my side as I do this.

 

He wants to be there, I'm insisting on doing this alone. Crying tonight pretty hard and I don't even know why anymore.

 

-(minus) indignation

-pride

-(sans)wit

-resolve

 

just a deeply broken chick wondering why the guy who wants to hold her has to go be made to go away.

 

Please let this be the very bottom. I can't take much further down from here.

[mustard1234]

@ LBP

 

you made me think. i havent forgotten to respond. ive been literally mulling it for days.

 

you tend to have that effect. thanks.

 

 

@Star

thanks for tuning in like always. im not human enough to respond right now. but i will. promise.

[TheJerseyKid]

I read a few of your posts here mustard, and I just wanted to say I think you are an excellent writer. Wish I had some input to give, but just wanted to say I love the way you write.

[mustard1234]

...so, I've been working on my ability to look my friends in the eye as I say this. I guess next step is my ever-supportive web network.

 

Um.

 

Well.

 

Youseewhathadhappenedwas...

 

He's coming to see me on Wednesday. For just about a week.

 

(pause)

 

 

 

Thank you, I deserve it. More please?

 

 

 

Great.

 

Okay, so about three days ago, he found out that he wasn't granted enough scholarship to attend university in Texas. Which, as discussed ad nauseum, was the geographic root of our problems. Note: I'm not saying that to absolve his/my behavior. It's like, the limb was amputated because of sepsis getting into the muscle tissue, but Texas was the original site of injury so to speak from whence the flesh-eating culture grew.

 

He's a 2-year transfer student and the school generally has enough scholarship funds to support a full ride, with regular students (those coming in from HS) getting first priority. Current economic climate, blah blah blah, not enough oats in the coffer this year. He now only has his FAFSA funds and no direct school support. Leaving a 15k+ shortgap between the two that he'd have to have filled by July 1.

 

It's not happening.

 

So, after ingesting that huge slice of humble pie, he wants to come see me and talk about what possibly we might be able to stitch together out of what's left between us.

 

For reasons I can't fully explain, I agreed. And felt very good about it...for about an hour. Then I started freaking out.

 

No, I have no idea what this means. No, I don't intend to change my personal plans. No, I have no idea what I'm going to say to him/how it's going to turn out. Yes, yes, yes, I understand that this was probably a raelly bad choice on the 'get over him/it' path.

 

I guess this is more a form of contrition than advice seeking.

 

I am ashamed (with the Shakespearean accent) but somehow, knowing I'll be getting some to Jill Scott music in less than 72 hrs makes me want to put off all questions of sense and morality for later.

 

Oh dear. I feel like this has not been my strongest example of clear thinking.

[Starbourne]

Someone! Get the duct tape and tie her down!

[Lady Rashomon]

So what happened?

[mustard1234]

@ JerseyKid, thanks for the kudos. Appreciate it

 

 

[mustard1234]

As I catch up on the week of academia I missed out on (fail. mega, mega fail.) and reconnect with facebook, text messages and everything else I forgot existed these past few days...I'm trying to figure out exactly what I have to show for it.

 

The consistent staples of the weekend were mild anxiety and two boxes of Magnums. This is about all I can be sure of.

 

Picked him up at the airport and it was like we hadn't missed a beat. The only advantage of tearing eachother apart for a year is that there's no such thing as an awkward silence anymore. We started getting physical about 30 minutes into the drive home and I was too weak to protest (aka: top off now, questions later. oh, yeah.)

 

The biggest disappointment is that I was certain that one look in his eyes and I would "know". Whether that knowledge came in the form of get the hell out of here or sign up for a chapel, I would know...immediately.

 

8-[ Right.

What actually happened is that every ounce of ambivalence on both sides was reinforced in the presence of eyebrows and body heat.

 

Progress: He has completely stopped yelling and calling me names when he gets upset. (He'd been 'working on it' since October and we haven't had a verbal abuse incident since about February). There was even a point in one argument where he felt himself getting to that point and asked me very politely to give him time to take a walk and cool down so he could keep from saying things that he didn't mean. This is tremendous. Yes, this is also a very limited time period. I get it.

 

Less Progress: We still argue. Often. Most of it centers around him feeling that I'm not making him/us/the relationship a true priority. (Eg: he nearly didn't come to visit at all because I chose to go out to a senior class dinner on what would be his last night in town.) The fights are all about me not investing enough or something similar. He will pout, even stonewall for an hour or two but works his way around to clearly communicating what his issue is and looking for a compromise. (In said example, he obvs ended up coming and I ended up going to the dinner in peace).

 

 

His bottom line: Amazingly apologetic for how things went down before. School, the verbal abuse, not joining me on my trips. He wants to do point-blank whatever it takes to make this right. Given the situation with Texas, he is ready to finish up his undergrad anywhere in the world that I see fit to go and asks (fairly) that when it's time for Law school it would be his turn to make the driving geographic choice. He's saying/doing all of the flowers, poetry (literally), sweet compliments and came in here with three books on conflict management and respecting your romantic partner. This kid means business.

 

He also wants to get married. @ immediate. (Now hold thine torches, ye vigilante mob. Yes, we're both stupid young but my head is definitely in the marriage zone as well--in a general sense. Given the right circumstance I definitely welcome getting married and we'd discussed this idea at length before in our relationship). His argument is that, regardless to amount of face-time and the ratio of on : off, we've been together for a solid year at this point. Given our ugly times, we already know about 98% of everything there is to know about the other...good and bad. He would go to the chapel tomorrow if I'd join him but understands that I may need time to adjust...6 months or so In any case, he wants one of us to move near the other immediately after graduation (June. As in 5.5 weeks) so that, even if we don't get hitched asap, we're building toward a life together and as long as he's in a position to get a college degree, he'll do anything I need him to do to stay together.

 

 

My bottom line: AAAAAAAAAAAH!

 

Before the invitation was extended for him to visit, he was living in Nevada on the other side of his parents' duplex and planning to enroll at Texas in the Fall. Both of these things changed due to circumstances beyond his control in freakish coincidence fashion right as I asked him to buy a ticket out here. My plan was to see if we could stomach being around eachother for a week, possibly end my personal booty dryspell ( mea culpa...) and gingerly poke at the spent up embers and see if we could talk about building a foundation. Maybe low-stakes invest in a few visits to his campus while I was in New Orleans this Fall, talk on the phone as human beings and see how it felt... and by the time a mega decision had to be made about me going abroad next year, we'd have some more data to work with.

 

-I had no intention of changing my plans.

-I did not have ANY degree of certainty on my desire to get back together.

-I missed him very much, still love him and was miserable expending so much effort trying to push him out.

 

All three of those things are still true. At this exact moment. Right now.

 

On his last day, I shared all of this with him and he said (reasonably) that I could take all the time I needed to decide, but he can't talk to me all that much until I come to a conclusion because he knows how he feels and it hurts that I'm ambivalent. If I choose to walk away from the relationship, he understands but doesn't really want to stay in contact (again, reasonable). I got from him the whole "I respect whatever it is you need to do. I love you, just let me know what you come up with...Now, please respect my feelings and back off while you're deciding what to do with my bleeding, sacrificed heart."

 

 

Considering letting him walk away, having this finally be over and just taking my chances with the future gives me a small sense of relief (as in "phew. glad that choice no longer needs to be made") and also sends me into spontaneous tears. Projectile tears. Every time. I think I collapsed crying for about an hour after he left yesterday. I actually, do love him. What to do about that love is the question.

 

Thinking about either changing course and moving to California, Colorado, Washington...wherever it is that is decided...or having him delay his school plans by a semester and taking on a lot of debt to come live with me abroad when I'm not 1000% sure about how 'forever' I feel about it makes me amazingly nauseous, yet gives me a small sense of relief (as in "phew. a hot guy wants to love me forever and help pay the bills. sweet).

 

Regardless of which way I turn (yes or no) there's a steel trap that clamps around my heart and someone pushes the button to cue the little screaming Gingerbread guy from Shrek.

 

Right now I have hellweek between academics and my choir commitments so there's no time to wallow...which is good...later tonight I'll mentally vomit the pros v cons up here.

 

Maybe that'll help.

 

Boy, is life an interesting little ride.