Depressed Dumper with rebound (GIGS Related)

[neverlost]

I will try to keep it nice and short. My Girlfriend left me in January, probably because of GIGS. We kept seeing each other every day for a good month; me begging and trying to convince her to come back.

 

During that time there was a "friend" who helped her go through the break-up and when I finally went NC, they started a rebound relationship in which she is to this day.

 

I had very few communication with her since initiating NC, but I tend to respond when she contact me, usually through IM. I try to keep it polite and short and never to bring up the relationship.

 

I unfriended her on various Social Networks, but still read sometimes her public postings. That's where I need your advice.

 

She posts a lot of things on the internet since I don't talk to her anymore, between 1 and 4-6 posts a day. All of her posts are very depressed and she seems overall very unhappy with her life, even with the rebound in the picture. This goes to the point where she posts very intimate things about her feelings and how she is depressed and unhappy about her whole life, how she feels useless etc.

 

She made it clear that she wasn't in love with me.

 

We have been together for a bit more than 2 years and she never was depressed like that.

 

I should mention that she is foreign and came to my country to live with me.

 

What would you do ? Would you try to communicate to help her (I would actually like her to go back to her country to be close to her family), or should I just leave her alone to deal with the pain.

 

Also would it be possible that the pain comes from the breakup ? Could she be lying about her feelings ?

 

Any suggestion greatly appreciated!

[fr0z3n]

Dont bother to help her, she's not your concern anymore... afterall, you might want to think that she is now feeling the negative effect of what she did... if she left you because of gigs, she's depressed now because she didnt get what she wanted and because you tried to distant yourself she doesnt have you as a backup or as an emotional crutch or a shoulder to cry on...

 

If you'll try to help her, it will give her the idea that no matter what she will do, you're right there to help her... Guess what will happen when she feel better because you helped her? she will be back to her business of looking for greener pasture...

 

For the moment, why don't you continue on focusing on yourself... let her become tired of looking for what she wants...

[PrincessBOT]

I may be to too fresh out of my own situation, but I am going to give it a try on giving you a suggestion...I suggest you don't assume anything. To her knowledge you are not even looking at the post to know and she didn't come to you. Therefore, it's not your concern. She dumped you, it's doubtful that you can effectively help her heal when you are probably still healing.

[neverlost]

Yes you're probably right, but I still wonder if her state of depression comes from the break-up. I've never read any story on ENA about a depressed dumper in a rebound relationship. It's been 6 weeks of strict NC (except when she did actually initiate it), and every single day she write more depressing thoughts. And it incidentally started when I removed myself from her life.

 

But I'm still undecided since she is in a city she doesn't know and doesn't understand the language well, and she also is much (10 years) younger than me.

[neverlost]

Princess, I understand what you mean, but break-up or not, It's always very difficult and sad to witness someone you love self-destruct. It's much harder than even healing from the relationship itself.

[PrincessBOT]

Yes you're probably right, but I still wonder if her state of depression comes from the break-up. I've never read any story on ENA about a depressed dumper in a rebound relationship. It's been 6 weeks of strict NC (except when she did actually initiate it), and every single day she write more depressing thoughts. And it incidentally started when I removed myself from her life.

 

But I'm still undecided since she is in a city she doesn't know and doesn't understand the language well, and she also is much (10 years) younger than me.

 

Since you don't know then we can assume that it may possible that you may be trying to console your ex girlfriend who dumped you to be able to get over the problems that she's having with her rebound.

[PrincessBOT]

Princess, I understand what you mean, but break-up or not, It's always very difficult and sad to witness someone you love self-destruct. It's much harder than even healing from the relationship itself.

 

Understood, but I just feel when someone leaves me, I have to be #1 especially so soon after. You can get really hurt again in trying to help her not self destruct. Besides she said she didn't love you, you have to love yourself more.....

[neverlost]

Didn't saw it like that, but maybe, yes. Well, anyway the rebound won't last in my opinion, but that would not solve her problems in the end.

 

Would it be possible that she broke-up with me thinking that it would solve her problems and became depressed when she realized it hadn't solved anything ? - she's 23 btw.

 

Relationships are so complicated.

[PrincessBOT]

Didn't saw it like that, but maybe, yes. Well, anyway the rebound won't last in my opinion, but that would not solve her problems in the end.

 

Would it be possible that she broke-up with me thinking that it would solve her problems and became depressed when she realized it hadn't solved anything ? - she's 23 btw.

 

Relationships are so complicated.

 

The danger in the direction that you are going is that when all the wrapping is taken off you are hoping that you're being there for her will get you two back together. So it seems like you are assuming why she is so sad. She could be sad because she dumped you, now the rebound didn't work out and she is so depressed because it seem like she just can't be with someone that makes her happy. The assumptions are too wide, but it is clear, she has not come to you, which is a fact. I would go by the facts instead of the assumptions.

[neverlost]

Understood, but I just feel when someone leaves me, I have to be #1 especially so soon after. You can get really hurt again in trying to help her not self destruct. Besides she said she didn't love you, you have to love yourself more.....

 

Yes, that makes sense. I guess it's auto-suggestion on my part and probably a bit of knight in shiny armor myth thrown in.

 

I'll let her deal with her feelings, however bad. I guess it's a matter of Karma.

[In the Dark]

You should feel no sympathy unless she had a valid reason for dumping you.

 

You obviously were not good enough, for her.

She chose and she has what she has now.

[neverlost]

You should feel no sympathy unless she had a valid reason for dumping you.

 

You obviously were not good enough, for her.

She chose and she has what she has now.

 

That's the whole GIGS thing, she couldn't even explain why she was dumping me. It was completely out of the blue. But I'm still wondering if depression can cause things like that. Feelings becoming fuzzy and willing to go out of a relationship in hope that the depression would go away with the relationship.

[fr0z3n]

Didn't saw it like that, but maybe, yes. Well, anyway the rebound won't last in my opinion, but that would not solve her problems in the end.

 

Would it be possible that she broke-up with me thinking that it would solve her problems and became depressed when she realized it hadn't solved anything ? - she's 23 btw.

 

Relationships are so complicated.

 

if you'll read my post, that is what i'm trying to point out... she didn't got what she wants, now she's upset... don't worry about her... that DEPRESSED thing is not actually she really depressed but just UPSET... Dont give in to her... heal yourself...

[neverlost]

Thanks everyone for your advices! I'll take that road and walk it

[Brigadoon]

Hey neverlost, going through exactly the same thing. My ex and I broke up in July 2 months after we got engaged and he's still with the gigs/rebound girl while attempting to meet up with me. He also looks absolutely dreadful and his family are so worried about him; he's nothing like the guy I knew. All the other posters have it right I'm afraid. You have to leave it run its course especially if she's depressed and could end up using you as a crutch. She needs to pick herself up and decide where she wants to be.

We all go through these phases when life throws us a curveball and the kindest thing you can do for her is to keep any contact short and polite and respect her decision to leave you. Sounds to me like the decision to leave wasn't anything to do with you really, just a bump in the road in her life.

If it helps I think of this situation with my ex as a learning experience in his life that will make him a stronger, more insightful, self sufficient person. But it won't work with me in the equation. And don't worry too much if you want to get back with her at some point, if you had a good connection she won't forget you and who knows what'll come down the road when she's sorted herself out

[abigheart]

Sorry to burst the thread here, but what does GIGS stand for?

 

I gotta pick up on these acronyms here. Much appreciated

[Kahdeksan]

Hey, neverlost, sorry you're going thorugh this...

 

How I deem this situation is that your ex dumped you because she thought you were the cause of her "unhappiness". People who are depressed sometimes fall under their loved one's radar. In this case it might have been so, or that she's simply kept it from you.

 

There could also be other factor at play here. Moving to a foreign country without family is a huge undertaking. She could have felt the pressure of that and the relationship as well. It's unfortunate if this is so.

 

I know a Japanese friend, who moved here and her situation is currently like that of your ex. Unhappy, misses her family, keeps bouncing from one suitor to the next. I guess in considering her circumstances, she could have had other inner issues too.

 

I guess she's the only one who can fix what state she's in....

 

To abigheart, GIGS stands for Grass is Greener Syndrome. Personally, I think the acronym sounds like a STD.

[neverlost]

I'm sorry about your breakup. It must be very difficult to cope with when you're engaged to someone. You seem to have a very clear opinion about it, how long did it take for you to cope with the loss of the breakup ? I'm in my 6th week and I'm getting better, but it still hurts sometimes.

 

Somehow it's reassuring to think that I'm not alone in that case. I'm trying to remain confident that once she sort herself up, she may want to come back, but I will not be waiting for her to do so, and if she doesn't come back, well, so be it.

 

It just makes me sad because, as you pointed out, she's not the same person she used to be, and it feels like I'm mourning someone instead of a relationship, which means there is no coming back to the person she once was and that I fell in love with. That was pretty devastating, but you get used to it. What I fear the most is losing any remaining respect and interest for her as a person. Oh well, I guess that it will make me stronger in the end.