Really feeling confused/resentful. Am I just completely naive?

[amandamarie]

Okay not really sure which subforum to post in...some of you may know my situation, but I haven’t posted too much in awhile. My ex broke up with me 9 months ago, after being together 4 years. We lived together and had just bought a house together not even a year before. After the break, he moved away to be with his family 15 hours away.

 

So since then, he contacted me throughout pretty much the whole time. I contacted him very little, but have responded. We went through one or two phases where we didn’t talk for a month at my request.

 

A few weeks ago, he called me twice in the same week, and was telling me he missed me, and he couldn’t find someone to do the activities we did together saying it wasn’t the same with anyone else, and that he didn’t like to be the “starter” for a new relationship with another guy, because this was my first real relationship. There was more to it than I am going into here, but lets just say that it really made me think that he was interested.

 

So obviously, I was confused by this and read to much into it I guess. He backed off, and when I asked him what was up with the mixed messages, he wrote me a letter. I had told him the mixed messages makes it hard to be friends, and he should not say stuff like that if he doesn’t intend to act on it.

 

In his letter, he talks about distance being an issue, and that he does miss me and finds it hard to just forget about me, and I had been his best friend. He apologized for giving mixed messages but says that is how he feels and he is being honest (whatever that means). I guess when I read it it sounded more like he just wanted to be friends although he of course didn't come right out and say that.

 

But I have been feeling really angry about this all lately, feeling lots of resentment towards him, and to be honest I almost feel like letting him have it. I guess I am just wondering - do I have a right to be angry? Because he can say “sorry” all he wants about the mixed signals, but why would you even say those things to begin with to an ex if you only want to be friends? I want to believe the best in him, and I find it hard not to, and honestly reading the letter I do think he was sincere, but sometimes I wonder if I am just completely naïve and he knows it. I guess I am trying to figure out where to go from here, and venting some to get it out. I don’t want to completely shut the door here, but I also don’t want to be too available, and I am trying to move on. Sometimes I think he thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and I will still be there for him - and I guess in a way, I hate that, and I don’t know what to do about it.

[adviseseeker]

I remember your story and I was curious as to what's been going on since. Now I see....

 

In his letter, he talks about distance being an issue, and that he does miss me and finds it hard to just forget about me, and I had been his best friend. He apologized for giving mixed messages but says that is how he feels and he is being honest (whatever that means). I guess when I read it it sounded more like he just wanted to be friends although he of course didn't come right out and say that.

 

Sigh...don't you just love the wishy-washy behavior? I honestly don't know what to really do about that because you have clearly laid down your boundaries and your needs to him many times. I don't really know why he hasn't gotten it yet, it's been 9 months now? This is ridiculous. Maybe you should include some of the details from this letter he wrote. What has the contact been like? You say you had a few months of not talking on your request, have you started seeing each other lately too?

 

I guess I am just wondering - do I have a right to be angry? Because he can say “sorry” all he wants about the mixed signals, but why would you even say those things to begin with to an ex if you only want to be friends?

 

The only thing I can say about this is that maybe he's confused. I know though...what a crappy reason. It's quite similar to my ex, doesn't outwardly say that he just wants to be friends but doesn't say otherwise, yet he gives the mixed signals. What are you supposed to take from it? I have no idea. I would be a little angry, well I'll say frustrated instead of angry. I think my ex purposely tries not to give me false hope, he wants to see me every once in a while but he also doesn't want to give me the wrong impression so he'll just disappear for long periods of time instead - he probably thinks this will hurt me less. I would say both situations are frustrating and annoying. It just sucks knowing you have no control.

 

I guess I am trying to figure out where to go from here, and venting some to get it out. I don’t want to completely shut the door here, but I also don’t want to be too available, and I am trying to move on. Sometimes I think he thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and I will still be there for him - and I guess in a way, I hate that, and I don’t know what to do about it.

 

Oh man we are in the same boat on this one...I feel the exact same way as what you've written. I have no idea what to do about it either, this is the most frustrating feeling I've ever had to deal with. But I'm starting to wonder if this feeling that we have about the other party thinking they are in total control of the situation and can do whatever they want, is really only a fear we have. I think you have proven many times how strong you are, I think I have a few times as well, and it's likely that he's putting more emphasis on the times you have been strong than the times you were weak. He could be equally worried about you closing the door for good as you are worried about him stringing you along.

 

I guess my point is that we really can't know what they're truly feeling, it is probably best to assume the worst to be prepared for it but don't let it bring your self-confidence down either. Try not to get too frustrated about it and continue to set boundaries?

[Ms Darcy]

I hate to categorize this in such simple terms, but I think this really comes down to his ego. When he wasn't sure if you were seeing someone else, he became really interested and even sounded jealous. When you indicated interest, he backed off. He doesn't really want to be with you, but he likes knowing that you want to be with him. And that's having you on the string ...

 

I think if you had cut him off 9 months ago, there would have been none of this nonsense because he would have known he had to make a decision in order to talk to you at all.

[Ms Darcy]

You asked if you have a right to be angry. You always have every right to your feelings. You also have a responsibility to take care of your feelings and control of your actions. If you cut him off for a long long time, he can't hurt you anymore. So, you control your own happiness here.

[amandamarie]

I hate to categorize this in such simple terms, but I think this really comes down to his ego. When he wasn't sure if you were seeing someone else, he became really interested and even sounded jealous. When you indicated interest, he backed off. He doesn't really want to be with you, but he likes knowing that you want to be with him. And that's having you on the string ...

 

I think if you had cut him off 9 months ago, there would have been none of this nonsense because he would have known he had to make a decision in order to talk to you at all.

 

Yeah you are probably right, I probably should have cut him off a long time ago. But I don't want to beat myself up too bad for that, because its the past and i can't change it. This was my first real relationship, even though I am late 20s I have never really been through a breakup before, so I guess it's all been new to me. And I guess I just thought things would work out in the end, since we had just bought the house, and since he still contacted me all the time. I guess I thought him contacting me, especially when he told me how much he missed me and said a lot of the things he did, meant he was still interested. But I guess I am seeing it doesn't matter if he is interested, if he won't do anything about it.

 

It may be a matter of his ego. Sometimes I think that too. Like I said, sometimes I think he thinks he can just have me whenever, regardless of what he does.

 

As far as where I am going with this...I honestly don't know. I guess I am just trying to get better perspective here, and figure out what to do. I will say though at this point, I have no interest in talking to him whatsoever right now unless he comes to me with some concrete actions about reconciliation.

[amandamarie]

Thanks adviseseeker, yeah it does suck big time! No we haven't saw each other in 8 months, because we live 15 hours apart now. I think the distance is a big factor here, to be honest (but not the only one). Really what he said in his letter was pretty much what I posted here, other than to say he would like to hang out sometime but we live to far apart - but the way he put the hanging out in the letter made it sound more like a friend thing.

 

Truthfully, I DON"T think I have proven to my ex how strong I really am, and it bothers me some that i haven't. I feel like I have put up with a lot more than I should have, and let him get away with it without really calling him out on it. Sure, patience is grand, but sometimes I feel like what he has put me through (and to be fair, what I have TAKEN), is beyond that.

 

I do think you make a good point though - that really we have no idea what they are thinking. I guess I am beginning to think though that I guess it doesn't really matter if they aren't backing it up with action. Hang in there yourself

[atelis]

to be honest, i really think you need to take responsibility for your own choices Amanda. You should have cut him off long ago......someone can only manipulate you if you let them. I know it's easy to say, but if you know what you want, you won't put up with wishy washy BS from anyone and that will be reflected in your behaviour and choices.

 

Going back to him and responding now will just be another way for you to keep this going......it just keeps you in the drama. Implementing no contact and sticking to it will say more than words can ever say in these situations. More importantly, you need to make a choice........do you want to keep giving yourself up for a guy who has no balls or do you want to start living your life?

[amandamarie]

to be honest, i really think you need to take responsibility for your own choices Amanda. You should have cut him off long ago......someone can only manipulate you if you let them. I know it's easy to say, but if you know what you want, you won't put up with wishy washy BS from anyone and that will be reflected in your behaviour and choices.

 

Going back to him and responding now will just be another way for you to keep this going......it just keeps you in the drama. Implementing no contact and sticking to it will say more than words can ever say in these situations. More importantly, you need to make a choice........do you want to keep giving yourself up for a guy who has no balls or do you want to start living your life?

 

Thanks, yeah you are right. Looking at it now, I wish I had gone NC to start with, but I can't really take it back. Having the hosue together is really a killer for me, and I wish we could sale it but I can't do it if he won't, and I feel in some ways it keeps me hanging on. This has all been a real learning experience for me, to be honest. I am not going to lie, I know I am very naive in some ways and I really want to believe be the best about the people I love, but I guess I am learning it isn't wise to always do that.

 

I take full responsibility for my part and I am not denying that I am to blame too for taking it. I guess I just wonder, HOW can you do this kind of stuff to someone that you say you care about? It is just so foreign to me, because I would never dream of acting like this to anyone. I feel like I am at a crossroads with the ex to be honest, and I do feel like I am really going to truly be moving forward from this point, more so than before, because he has disappointed me so much this last time. I was doing so good not talking to him for over a month, and then he starts throwing this stuff out about missing me, and I got sucked back in and it hurts. At this point I have no desire to talk to him unless he gives me something really concrete - not talk but actions. He tried to text me Friday but I haven't responded, because I am just tired of the drama and disappointment I guess.

[catfeeder]

I think you've been in too much contact with this guy for your own good. He'll continue to use your 'friendship' as a safety net until he does find someone he enjoys spending time with, and where will that leave you?

 

You've had too many 'talks' about quitting contact. I'd skip that part, and just do it.

[atelis]

At this point I have no desire to talk to him unless he gives me something really concrete - not talk but actions. He tried to text me Friday but I haven't responded, because I am just tired of the drama and disappointment I guess.

 

if you want to move on, you have to move on. There is nothing concrete he can give you, so put that out of your mind. Until you consciously say to yourself that this is over, you will always be susceptible to being dragged back in. He has done zero work on himself so forget about it.

 

End it and see a lawyer about what actions you have available to force the sale of the house

[Twist82]

Sounds like he really doesnt know what he wants. And is kinds using you for a support system. I say you have more than enough reason to be a little upset. Its not fair to you. Sometimes the heart wants what it cant have, he probably bouncing back and forth cause hes lonely and cant have you, and at the same time doesnt know if he wants you. That's just selfish in my IMO. If he really loved you he wouldnt put you on a rollercoster of emotions.

[Ms Darcy]

I take full responsibility for my part and I am not denying that I am to blame too for taking it. I guess I just wonder, HOW can you do this kind of stuff to someone that you say you care about?

 

You can cut him off and still wonder. The two are not mutually exclusive. If your emotions are making it hard o cut him off, then perhaps they are becoming excuses. It has been nine months. How much longer are you going to let yourself go on like this?

[FreedomRing]

Amanda,

 

You seem to be acknowledging the advice of good people on here(ms. darcy, atelis) but you also seem very hesitant to take their advice and turn it into action. Why?? You've gotten all the proof that although your ex may claim he cares about you...all his actions point out that he simply does not care about you enough.

 

You really need to get in the habit of repeating that sentence over and over and over again to yourself, bc deep down you know that is really what all of this back and forth nonsense comes down to.

 

Own that power you have to end it, and do it. END IT. Stop using the house as an excuse. I can say that bc I came to this site, in the same predicament. Dumped by an exbf and owning a home together. Guess what? I still am half owner of that house. As far as I know, he still resides there. I'm not 100% sure bc we don't have contact. The bills are getting paid and thats all I need to know. I am 2.5yrs into another relationship with the man I hope to marry soon.

 

You can move on. It's entirely up to you.

[amandamarie]

Sounds like he really doesnt know what he wants. And is kinds using you for a support system. I say you have more than enough reason to be a little upset. Its not fair to you. Sometimes the heart wants what it cant have, he probably bouncing back and forth cause hes lonely and cant have you, and at the same time doesnt know if he wants you. That's just selfish in my IMO. If he really loved you he wouldnt put you on a rollercoster of emotions.

 

 

Yeah I think you are probably right here. I don't want to villianize my ex, because I don't think what he is doing is neccessarily intentional. Although like I said, I wonder HOW you could do this to someone and not realize that it hurts. I would agree that he has definitely used me as a support system, because I have been his best friend for so long, and because he even said I get him more than anyone else. I agree it is selfish of him - but its my own fault too and I do acknowledge that. I guess I just wanted to post and here and see - am I overreacting in being mad here? Or is it justified?

 

 

Amanda,

 

You seem to be acknowledging the advice of good people on here(ms. darcy, atelis) but you also seem very hesitant to take their advice and turn it into action. Why?? You've gotten all the proof that although your ex may claim he cares about you...all his actions point out that he simply does not care about you enough.

 

You really need to get in the habit of repeating that sentence over and over and over again to yourself, bc deep down you know that is really what all of this back and forth nonsense comes down to.

 

Own that power you have to end it, and do it. END IT. Stop using the house as an excuse. I can say that bc I came to this site, in the same predicament. Dumped by an exbf and owning a home together. Guess what? I still am half owner of that house. As far as I know, he still resides there. I'm not 100% sure bc we don't have contact. The bills are getting paid and thats all I need to know. I am 2.5yrs into another relationship with the man I hope to marry soon.

 

You can move on. It's entirely up to you.

 

Thanks, yeah the house thing sucks big time. I guess when I say the house gets in the way of me moving on, it is because we do have to communicate some about the taxes, about the mortgage since we both pay it, and also he still has a ton of stuff here still so I guess it is inevitable that one day we will have to see each other, and I really dread that because I know it will be really painful. I have tried to get him to sale it right now but he won't do it, and at this point there is not a lot I can do since we both own it in title and are both on the mortgage as coowners. I have looked into this already.

 

You are right though, I know that sometimes it may seem that I am reluctant to completely cut things off, and the truth is I am. Its hard to cut off the person who has been your best friend and more for so long, especially when I really think he still has feelings. But I know that i have to. I had been doing much better and not talked to him for over a month before this latest fiasco where he kind of led me on. I haven't talked to him at all for almost a week even texting, and honestly at this point I have no desire to because I am so frustrated with this. I think if I continue with this, like I was doing before he started contacting me a lot again, then I will probably feel a lot better.

[amandamarie]

Well I just told my ex that I need space and I don't want him contacting me. I told him that being friends wasn't working for me and wasn't fair because I wanted more and he doesn't. I know I didn't have to tell him, but I knew if I didn't I would end up breaking NC.

 

I feel so sick to my stomach right now. I hope I did the right thing.

[Brownstone322]

I told him that being friends wasn't working for me and wasn't fair because I wanted more and he doesn't.

It's done now, but I don't you ever should've conceded that "you wanted more and he doesn't." That's just one more ego stroke for him, one more piece of evidenvce that he holds all the "relationship power."

 

Just cut him off and let him worry about the why and what. You could have someone new for all he'll know, and he'll be free to wonder about it.

[amandamarie]

It's done now, but I don't you ever should've conceded that "you wanted more and he doesn't." That's just one more ego stroke for him, one more piece of evidenvce that he holds all the "relationship power."

 

Just cut him off and let him worry about the why and what. You could have someone new for all he'll know, and he'll be free to wonder about it.

 

You may be right about that, I did kind of think of that. But the truth is, I am just fed up with it all at this point. All I have asked for him to do all along is just be honest with me about things, and I never get a straight answer, so I guess I just wanted to be straight with him. I am so sick of the mixed signals, I just want straight talk.

 

After I said that he actually had the nerve to say he didn't want to cut ties, and that he doesn't like it, I am not being fair, and he can't talk to other people about the things he does with me. Way to make me feel guilty there, but I have to do it for my sanity I think.

[quirky]

Amandamarie

 

there's something in your posts that really resonates with the way I have felt. Difference being my ex wasn't even confused (supposedly), you can't believe the stuff I heard for him to back off when things got difficult.

 

The on/off situations are hard to break. I could write that your ex is selfish, leading you on and stuff and it will help you for a bit and will be true to some extend. But the freedom you yearn for will only come from within. When you take that leap of faith and let go. This contact, you not reacting like a b*tch to him so you have his approval..are all ways of keeping connected. Ways of keeping the hope, a subtle form of denial and avoiding the resbonsibility of this outcome. I really understand. It's scary and you're scared to burn your bridges because what lies ahead? Your ex may not be a bad guy but you have felt rejected. The resentment possibly stems from the fact that a)he broke it off and b)that you respond to his contact hoping that it is something else. It will only change when in your heart you decide to let go. When you accept that one relationship doesn't define your worth and that you did all you could at that time. You don't need to prove to him anything, all you need to care about is your own peace of mind. Look at the present, the facts of today, not the time when you were his everything, this is in the past. If you're trying to do your hair you won't wait till you get that specific hairband that is out of stock. You will make do with what you have. Let go and whatever will be will be.

[amandamarie]

Thanks quirky. You are so right in this post, this is really how I feel. I am afraid to let go. I feel like I have done so much to try to, but in my heart I am still holding on because I love him. Which is why I don't want to tell him off even though sometimes I want to - I don't want to burn those bridges with people that I really care about. I think you are very much right when you say that it will only change when in my heart I decide to let go. I did respond to the contact hoping it was something else, but he really from the things he said made me believe it was too. So I guess I had my hopes up, but I need to stop with that, and I guess the only way to do so is to get more distance through NC and truly try to let go.

 

He has already contacted me this morning, trying to get me to respond, I guess testing me, but I am doing good ignoring it.

[adviseseeker]

It's so strange that he contacts you this often, I think I'd just be as confused as you and unable to let go. The only reason I'm doing better now is because he stopped contacting me altogether. It seems like your ex is the one that's not letting go even though he did the dumping! I'm glad you're handling it well because I know if I was in the same situation I would be on a rollercoaster constantly trying to figure out what he was thinking. Just stick it out for now, I would be pretty angry at him actually for not respecting your requests for no contact. Time to let the anger and frustration out!