That's Disgusting??

[CSB]

I hope I am not offending anyone with this post, but I am just about to my breaking point.

 

My family (well specifically my parents and SOME extended family) are very judgmental and prejudice. I have tried to show them HOW hurtful it is and how wrong it is, in so many ways. Through articles, statistics, examples, situations, etc. I have tried talking calmly and rationally and I have tried screaming and yelling. I have cried several times.

 

My parents were both raised BY THE BIBLE and from a pretty strict upbringing. I guess because THEIR parents grew up in a time of segregation and not open minded to others, they are just used to it and think its ok.

 

Once, my sister asked my mom if we brought home a person of another race to date, if my mom would be mad. My mom said - "Well I would be disappointed" I was appalled. We had a HUGE fight over this. I dated a guy for a while of a different race, and my mom knew, she didn't say anything but also didn't seem thrilled. It ended and I am now dating someone of my own race and have been for years.

 

However, if we would have continued our relationship (me and the guy of another race) I think its terrible that my mom would be disappointed if we chose to get married and have a life together.

 

I AM VERY OPEN MINDED. I don't judge people at all. I never have and I never will. I don't stereotype or think bad things about certain people. In fact, I love getting to know as many different types of people as possible. I am not even sure how this happened, considering my parents are the complete opposite, but Im GLAD i did not follow in their footsteps in this respect.

 

My mom is worse than my dad, but my parents will often make not so nice comments about "blacks" "hispanics" "asians" etc. My grandfather does a lot as well. I always tell them how stupid they sound and ask them why they think they are so much better? They try and justify it by saying that theyve lived longer and have gotten their chance to see a lot more of the world and those types of people.

 

My favorite line they use is "There are some good ones (of each race) but the majority of them are [insert something negative]" I often flip out when they say these things because they are horrible. I can't understand racism and prejudice for the life of me - and yet my own family - takes part in it.

 

Now, just as a quick aside - I am NOT making excuses for them or trying to say that their behavior is OK in any way. Its absolutely terrible and inexcusable. BUT they are my family and aside from this one horrible trait, they are very good people. They are nice to everyone, extremely loyal, hardworking, caring, giving, will do anything people need, etc. They are GOOD in many respects. But they also have a horrible character flaw. They are also never mean to people of other races and are often quite friendly to them (NOT saying that this is OK in ANY way - just giving the facts) It's usually just comments when watching tv, reading the newspaper, or when discussing other races.

 

Today, I was watching a tv show and two gay men were on and kissing. There was nothing graphic about it, just a typical kiss, and my mom happened to be in the room and told me to shut it off immediately. "That's disgusting" she said.

 

I said: "oh but if its a man and a woman its ok? How dare you say "that's disgusting" you're so judgmental. "

 

She said: "No, that wouldn't have been ok either."

 

I said: "Mom, we watch tv shows all the time, where there is MUCH more than that going on, people insinuating sex or being in the bed and you never tell me to turn that off"

 

So it went on and on, me telling her how terrible it is and I eventually brought up her racist remarks and so on. She just walked away from me.

 

What more can I do? It kills me to see the people I care about most act like this and think like this and believe its ok. I understand that everyone is brought up differently and that people may have different morals, beliefs, etc.

 

But to call people who are different than you disgusting or mean names. Or think that an entire race is "mainly bad"

 

It's so unhealthy and it makes me SO angry, but I don't know what else I can do.

 

Another thing to mention - my dad is much less racist nowadays then he once was. About 12 years ago, my aunt (his sister) married an African American man. He had a child from a previous marriage and they had two kids together. That really helped change my dads opinion because he saw what a great guy he was and what a great kid his son was and their other two children are growing up to be awesome. My mom absolutely LOVES my african american uncle and my cousins, they're like her favorite people. YET she still is racist.

 

When I use them as an example - saying, what about Uncle B and the kids, how can you say they are [insert insult] She will retort with - well they are the exception, most people aren't like that.

 

?? My mom, her sister (my aunt) and my granfather, specifically are dellusional. I love them to death, but I hate this abot them. I feel like I've tried everything and am basically at my wits end. What else can I do to make them see how terrible they are being by being so closed off and closed minded?

 

I'm sorry this post is so long and if you read it then I really appreciate it. I guess this is more of a vent then anything bc I was just so angry at her comment today and I know nothing is going to change their minds bc they are so stuck in their ways, but it feels better just writing it out. Thanks

[PSYCHOLOGY]

= ) variety makes the world go round. Understanding is half the battle. I hope you feel better soon.

[FarthestEdge]

You can't change them, any more than they can change you around to their view of the world. All you can change is how you react.

 

My advice? Just walk away. Don't even dignify it with a response. You aren't going to change their minds arguing with them. Instead, you will only give them a reason to be firmly entrenched in their bigotry, because they clearly need to feel superior to others, so I would guess there's no way they are going to accept an attitude adjustment from you.

 

So the next time they start talking trash, just walk out. If it's a one-on-one conversation, cut them off & say "I gotta go". Only address it if they pick up on the pattern and ask for an explanation. Then you say "Your POV on [whatever] really upsets me, because you are good people, but when I hear you talk like that, it upsets and offends me. I'm not going to argue with you about it, because you are as entitled to your opinion as I am to mine. But I am not interested in hearing it anymore..."

 

Just. Walk. Away.

[FathomFear]

I understand where you are coming from. I've experienced similar kind of attitudes. I'm gay, and I have a few members of my extended family who don't accept it and haven't spoken to me since they learned the news.

 

I think our reaction is dictated by how you internalize it. For me, it doesn't make me angry. It just makes me sad--sad that their worldviews are so narrow that they could leave people out of their lives over something like sexual preference.

 

You should be commended for being passionate about your position. My only recommendation would be try to be more calm. Just live your own values and recognize that you are your own person. If you become angry or upset when you defend your position, they can easily focus on that rather than your actual words. Communicate your views calmly and maturely. Don't give them anything else to focus on. I suspect you'll find this approach more effective in the end.

[Stella Sleepwalks]

This is a frustrating losing battle. You are not teaching a child right from wrong, but an older generation who have lived their whole lives with these opinions and who have never been challenged over them before.

 

What you can be thankful for is that they have raised you to follow your own path. You say that they have never made a big issue over the people you have dated, that means that on some level they respect that it's your life and it's your business. You have to do the same or else you'll end up pushing them away.

 

Yes it sucks, but you are stuck with it. An old dog doesn't learn new tricks. You have to draw a line and accept that if it's their house they can say and think what they want, but in your house they have to respect that you won't tolerate comments like that.

[CSB]

This is good advice and at times I do just walk away. But I find it harder and harder too when they say things that just sound so rude and disrespectful, but you are right. Thank you.

[Seraphim]

I agree with this. Also understand this was far more common in their generation when people knew less about other people. Now with the world so global we understand and accept more. Remember their world when they grew up was not like that and they were raised by people who saw even less "different" people. It is a reaction to something different. We always fear what we do not know and feel a need to belittle it even if it is people. Unfortunately some people can not move past this. I remember when I was little people were very openly racist. I was lucky to be raised by a very accepting mother and she loves all people the same.

 

On a side note I do not agree the Bible has anything to do with causing racism. My mother was raised by the Bible and in fact went to Mass 3 times a DAY for 19 years and she is the least racist person I know. It is an excuse racist people use to be racist.

[CSB]

I agree that getting angry can cause them to lose focus, but at times I try to be rational about it and they still don't see that there is ANY problem with being so narrowminded. I understand everyone is entitled to their opinion, but to just make blanket statements about certain people? How is that doing anyone any good? I guess I do need to look at it a different way because the approach I take now is certainly not doing me any good! Thanks for your input

[LightbulbSun]

You can't argue with racism. It seems like this kind of behavior is so deeply engrained, that you can't change it. It's better to just walk away. I know their words hurt you, but just think, you're the better person.

[CSB]

Thank you - this was very helpful.

[CSB]

You can't argue with racism. It seems like this kind of behavior is so deeply engrained, that you can't change it. It's better to just walk away. I know their words hurt you, but just think, you're the better person.

 

I know and I think deep down this is what hurts the most. I know I can't argue because I know it's not going to change. But I just cant STAND the comments. And I can't stand that its MY OWN FAMILY acting this way.

[greywolf]

There's not much you can do because people have a right to their own thoughts and beliefs. If I heard my mom say that something is disgusting, I'd probably say, "I think your hatred for people you don't even know is digusting." And then just leave. I wouldn't give her time to talk to me about it.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I know. It's sad. My grandmother is one of the nicest persons but she is so subconsciously racist. I don't think that she actually believes that one race is better than another. But, she will say things that are so incredibly racist. My aunt, uncle, and I make fun of her for it all of the time. I think it's just something so ingrained in her. The fact that she is flaming Irish and raised by a traditional farming family doesn't help either.

 

But, you can't really do anything about it. Just call them out on it from time to time so that they are aware of it. Getting into fights about it will probably not do anything but cause tension.

[catfeeder]

It sounds as though they get off on pressing your buttons. You're the pseudo stand-in for 'those people' they wish to insult. You engage them, they feel perfectly safe with that, the whole thing becomes amplified, and they get satisfaction in outnumbering you.

 

I've got a racist family, and I spent my youth railing. Now I don't play. When they started to realize they've no longer got teeth, they punched it up for a short while. I refused to take the bait, and their efforts died down.

 

Living on your own minimizes your exposure and you can control the framework in where, when and how you deal with them. If you don't live on your own, that's probably the biggest contributing problem, and so this becomes a reasonable motivator for moving out as soon as possible and living your own life as you see fit.

[NightLily]

There's not much you can do because people have a right to their own thoughts and beliefs. If I heard my mom say that something is disgusting, I'd probably say, "I think your hatred for people you don't even know is digusting." And then just leave. I wouldn't give her time to talk to me about it.

 

This tactic really depends on who you are dealing with. IF I said this to one of my parents I can promise you I would be in for it. I can't even imagine but it would probably get slightly physical. If you parents tend to be level headed you could probably get away with it.

 

With a few previous.. friends, they were making very racist comments and I simply said "you guys sound really racist, and it is making me uncomfortable" and left. Because, to a certain extent, I felt as though if I said nothing I was condoning it. Your parents very clearly know your views though so walking away would be a start.

 

If you REALLY want to get under their skin, repeat what they said in front of extended family in casual conversation. When they give you weird stares just act innocently and say.. "that is what my mom said...." >

[greywolf]

This tactic really depends on who you are dealing with. IF I said this to one of my parents I can promise you I would be in for it. I can't even imagine but it would probably get slightly physical. If you parents tend to be level headed you could probably get away with it.

 

yeah, I suppose you're right. Nothing has gotten physical in my family since my dad left. Although, I'd have probably said it in front of him anyway.

[turnera]

It's not your place to tell them how to think. They are your parents. Each of us has a right to think in any way we want as long as we are not harming another person. What if they felt the color you color your hair with was disgusting, and made sure to tell you that every time they saw you? Should you change yourself for someone else? Then why should they?

 

All you can do is feel sorry for them that they are living with pain and anger in their lives. And thank them for raising you to be able to think for yourself.

[CSB]

It's not your place to tell them how to think. They are your parents. Each of us has a right to think in any way we want as long as we are not harming another person. What if they felt the color you color your hair with was disgusting, and made sure to tell you that every time they saw you? Should you change yourself for someone else? Then why should they?

 

All you can do is feel sorry for them that they are living with pain and anger in their lives. And thank them for raising you to be able to think for yourself.

 

 

I understand that they can think as they want, but in a way they are harming others. They are harming my brother in a sense because he is young and he hears what they say. That can influence a person...and to say MEAN things about humans they don't even know, that is awful...It does make me feel sorry for them, but I wish they could base their feelings on actual proof and evidence of a persons behaviors not just on the color of their skin or their sexual orientation. It just does not seem right.

[turnera]

I understand your point, but the point is that they are your brother's parents and as such, unless there is documentable abuse, they have the right to raise him with any beliefs they see fit.

 

You don't have to agree with them, and shouldn't. But it's still not your place to decide FOR them what they should do. The best you can do is (1) remove yourself from the drama and (2) try to be a good influence on your brother.

 

My H is one of those people who can't go an hour without blaming minorities for all the ills in the world. Over the years, I tuned it out, but when D19 was around 12 or 13, she started voicing her concerns to him, telling him she didn't like hearing it, it was wrong, etc. In one ear and out the other. She's probably told him in one way or another at least 2000 times over the last 7 or 8 years. He gets it. But it hasn't changed how he feels or believe or speaks.

 

Now, if she were to say "I'll never come visit you again" or something that drastic, maybe he would be motivated enough to get help for his prejudices (which are really not that at all, but a symptom of self-loathing and needing to blame everything on others). Oddly enough, we are white, but D19's godfather was black, and our best friends are black. On a personal basis, he has no prejudice. But when he feels the need to blame the world for his problems - a tool not working, a job he didn't get, etc. - he dives right into his comfort zone of blaming minorities for ruining the world.

 

Just like we've been doing for thousands of years, as it is human nature. It wasn't much more than 100 years ago that Americans were screaming bloody murder about all the damm Irish coming over here and ruining America. There will always be someone else to criticize.

 

That said, I've done my best to be the opposing force when raising her, to teach her to NOT be prejudiced, to hold no pain, etc., to counteract his negativity. For the most part, it's had a big effect on her. You can do that with your brother, too - talk to him about it, ask him to see if he catches himself mimicking them, and ask him to really think about whether that's what he really believes.

 

It's just unlikely you can change a person in their 40s, 50s, or 60s who are like that. It comes unbidden. So if you can find a way to accept that is who they are, you can manage to have a relationship with them. I've seen both ways - accepting it and ostracizing people - and I can tell you that you will regret cutting people out of your lives just because they don't agree with you.

[NightLily]

I would just like to add that I don't think this is all about age here either. A stubborn person will be stubborn at all ages, where as an open minded freethinker doesn't have to become set in their ways with age.

[turnera]

Very true.