Girl friend broke up with me and is giving mixed signals.

[Starbourne]

Hey everyone. I posted this in the getting back together section but didn't get much response. I'm confused by my ex's actions after the break up, and was hoping someone could help point me in the right direction. Thanks so much.

 

I started a college program last year in Sept, in which I met a girl who I was instantly attracted to, however, at the time she was in a serious, committed relationship (engaged to a guy she was with for several years). When I found out she was engaged, I didn't pursue anything with her as I felt it was pointless at the time. However, in class, she'd always smile at me when she saw me.

 

For the entire first year, I kept my distance from everyone except for one friend of mine, whom him and I were extremely determined to get the highest marks in the program, which we did. However, despite my pure business attitude for the first year of college, I was always attracted to that girl.

 

Come second year, the number of people in my program dwindled drastically, leaving only about half of us remaining (about 40-50 of us). Most of us became really tight, good friends. The girl I was interested in started spending more time with me, and vice versa. I could tell she was interested in me. Eventually I found out that her fiancee had cheated on her and dumped her, and long story short, her and I became a couple short after (by short, i mean a couple weeks after the fact...I know! I know! Stupid move...). I knew that her and I could very well be just a rebound relationship and discussed with her if she felt she was in fact ready for another relationship (of course she told me yes; that she felt that her previous relationship had ended long ago since he never treated her well), and as a result, I was very careful to not get emotionally attached for the first while of the relationship, and questioned if i was really doing myself a disservice by being with her. Despite these doubts, I went ahead with it anyways.

 

The relationship took off extremely quickly, and we basically spent all day, every day together (we were in the same program, so we spent literally the full day together, and i ended up staying with her at her place overnight as well for several days of the week). I then found out from her that the second she saw me, she was instantly attracted to me, which i then told her the same. It didn't take long for the relationship to become super serious and before we knew it, we were dreaming about our future together (traveling, getting a place together, discussing the possibility of getting married several years from now etc...). We were both very happy, we never argued, we treated each other with a great deal of mutual respect, had great open and honest communication, we trusted each other, and never invaded each other's need for privacy. Eventually, we met each other's parents and close friends, and everyone agreed we were perfect for each other. It was... Amaaazing.

 

However, despite how amazingly things were going, I intuitively sensed that something wasn't right and i noticed very subtle changes in her. She was becoming increasingly more negative, down, and distanced from me. I asked her several times if she was happy in the relationship, and she said of course, and said she was just stressed with everything. I took it as that, and the relationship continued... For awhile.

 

Anyways, to shorten this already long story, we ended up breaking up and I (for various reasons, none having to do wit her) withdrew from the college program. She told me that the relationship was becoming a burden to her and didn't want to commit to ANYONE right now, and that she had no time or energy to be in one. She also mentioned that this summer, she was was supposed to be getting married, and that she spent all of last year going to wedding stores to prepare for it. I guess she wasn't over the break up with the previous guy after all, despite how crappy their relationship was (he treated her terribly). Furthermore, she was extremely stressed about school and felt she needed to focus on that.. Understandably.

 

To get into details about the actual break up, it was a total mess; very sloppy. She basically ignored me for 2-3 weeks and made excuses as to why she couldn't see me. I held on, hoping that she was just stressed and needed time, but I knew in the back of my head, this was the end (for now). After about 3 weeks, i logged into facebook and spoke to her about what was going on, and she (read: I) broke up with me online, and told me that it had nothing to do with how she felt about me, and that she needed to be single for awhile (she said it was something she had to do for herself). She told me that she still felt she had a future with me and such. I told her that I understood, and realized that she didn't take time to heal from her past relationship. She agreed. And that was that. Or... So I thought (yey!... Not really).

 

The following day she messaged me on facebook to chat. I had no idea why she had just broken up with me and was now continuing to talk to me. This basically continued for a week or two, before i got sick of it. She started spending me mixed messages, whereas before when we were together and she was ignoring me, she didn't want to see me, and now she was trying to convince me to come out to some college outing between all of our mutual friends (we have like.. 20). I ended up not going, and instead decided to go to a small house party the following day, in which she sent me a very bitter text message, basically being angry at me because "i didn't tell her i was going" (which i did). I was confused. The day day prior she was making excuses for me to go with this big group of people, and now she was pissed that i was coming to this party the following day. She then told me that she was planning on drinking copious amounts of alcohol and may dance with other guys.

 

I was like... Yo.

 

I basically sent her a cordial text back (genuinely) thanking for her letting me know. I went to the party and she wasn't there. Following the party, we went to a bar, which i decided not to go to, so i sent her a text saying i wouldnt be going. She then texted back asking why not. I told her i felt it was better that i didn't.

 

Anyways, fast forwarding to now... (Sorry, I know this is getting a bit ridiculous)...

 

I've been basically NC all of last week. She started sending me several text messages asking about school, which I ignored. She then told me that she needed me to pick up a book that was mine (which i also ignored). It seemed like she was fishing for reasons to contact me, since she really didn't need to know what was going on with my school situation (especially since we broke up), and there was no real need for me to go pick up my book. Along with this, when we initially broke up, i asked if i could go pick up my book from her then, and she said no; that she'd prefer to give it to a mutual friend for me to grab instead (I just left it and told her she was welcome to finish reading it first).

 

She then got pissed, and told me that if i didn't reply to her, she was going to throw my book down the garbage chute.

 

I was like... . So, i logged on to facebook and she immediately messaged me. She was angry that i hadn't been talking to her, that i wasn't initiating any conversations with her etc etc. Then she asked about what i wanted to do about my book, so i asked her just to give it to a mutual friend for me to pick up. She refused and gave me excuses as to why she couldn't, and that i needed to pick it up in person. So, I politely asked her a second time to just give it to a mutual friend, and she reiterated that if I didn't come and get it myself, it was going down the chute.

 

Ay yi yi...

 

She's been very hot and cold lately. She broke with me, but it seems like she doesn't want me to move on (even though she told me to). It also seems like she's making excuses to talk to me, and that she's using the book as a means to get me to go see her (it's been almost 2 months since i last saw her).

 

She's been treating this whole situation very immaturely (despite her being older than I), which doesn't impress me at all. I get the impression though, that she's acting like this out of fear. I've been pulling back quite a bit, and she's pushing forward with her guard up because she's scared that i'll reject her. It's like she's trying to make some sort of reconciliation in some sort of odd, messed up way.

 

 

I'm supposed to go pick up my book this week, but im not sure if it's a good idea... I don't konw what to do.

[DontGetStung]

Tell her to chuck the book, and call you if she wants to get back together(if that's what you want). Otherwise, ignore her.

[misssmithviii]

girls like attention, I just got done helping another guy try and understand this concept. it's very simple. she's sending you mixed signals bc she doesn't even know what she wants - she enjoys the control she has over you in the sense that you still react to what she does, and she enjoys the attention she's still receiving from you.

 

ask yourself if she's really treating you right, regardless of how you feel - is she truly treating you right? whether you're together or not she's obviously still in your life for some reason so once again... is she treating you right? if the answer is anything but yes then that's you answer.

 

you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. don't let people mess around with you bc they'll keep doing it if you don't put up some boundaries.

 

hope that helped somewhat.

[Zerohero]

They never let go of one branch until they have hold of another.....

[Starbourne]

girls like attention, I just got done helping another guy try and understand this concept. it's very simple. she's sending you mixed signals bc she doesn't even know what she wants - she enjoys the control she has over you in the sense that you still react to what she does, and she enjoys the attention she's still receiving from you.

 

ask yourself if she's really treating you right, regardless of how you feel - is she truly treating you right? whether you're together or not she's obviously still in your life for some reason so once again... is she treating you right? if the answer is anything but yes then that's you answer.

 

you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. don't let people mess around with you bc they'll keep doing it if you don't put up some boundaries.

 

hope that helped somewhat.

 

 

That is very true. She's been treating me like a b*tch, and i've been putting up with it because i care about her still and want her in my life. I think it's time I put my foot down, especially since i did my very best to treat her with the utmost respect during our relationship and still continue to do so.

 

She obviously needs to mature a great deal, and until that happens, it's probably best we aren't in each other's lives. I think it'll also force her to realize what she's given up (the future we could of had).

[Starbourne]

They never let go of one branch until they have hold of another.....

 

 

No kidding. I don't think I'll stick around for her to use me as her emotional support while she goes looking for a replacement.

[misssmithviii]

I hope you do keep your foot down because the worst thing you could do in this situation right now is keep forgiving her childish behavior.

 

You're better off, especially if she's the kind of girl who won't let go of one branch until she has a hold of another one.

[uncomfynumb]

They never let go of one branch until they have hold of another.....

 

I don't believe this but then again you are probably applying this theory to girls and not women.

 

When a "mature" woman ends a relationship, she respects boundaries and doesn't give mixed signals. All that aside, OP, you have to set the boundaries no matter what, if you don't, this is what you are likely to get.