My ex got me "The Power of Now" O_O

[quirky]

I don't know whether to laugh or cry at this. I've mostly laughed..

We talked about 10 days ago, genuinely missing each other as people. The call and texts were not just friendly but not flirty either. He had said he would send me a present.

 

So I go to the post office today to pick up my parcel and when I open it I see the book. "The Power of Now" a guide to spiritual enlightment. I just looked at it and didn't know what to think for a minute..Is it strange that I feel a bit patronised?

I'm not easily offended and in a strange way I realised why I was into him, because he was weird. At the same time I realised how often "weird" went hand in hand with "insensitive".

 

I haven't thanked him yet because I don't know what to say. What do I say?

[bungalo]

Don't overlook this gift. It's an incredible, life-changing book. As one who's read it twice, I can only view this as an act of love and kindness that he sent it to you..

[jettison]

Don't overlook this gift. It's an incredible, life-changing book. As one who's read it twice, I can only view this as an act of love and kindness that he sent it to you..

 

Yeah, I've read it too. I think it's a little overrated personally, but I can see why the OP might feel a little bit patronized. Still, it's a nice gift, and he may have meant it with all sincerity so best to embrace it in those terms.

[quirky]

But guys..we're not buddies. Would you send this to your ex?

[Perfect Dark]

I would find that patronizing too and it's a bit 'random'. But apart from that it's a good book. I have it; a good friend brought it for me. (dunno what's going on with that now *sigh*

 

Wila.

[jettison]

But guys..we're not buddies. Would you send this to your ex?

 

Randomly? No way. If she had just reached out to me and told me how miserable and depressed she was? Would probably depend on the ex.

 

Even though the Power of Now is considered a self-help book, it's also one of those books that some people read as a revelation and think "wow, I just want to share this with everyone I care about."

 

I have a book like that too. I've probably bought it for 15 people. Still, if I were to buy it for an ex then it would probably be something I'd preface with something like... "So there's this book that I love. I think you may love it too."

 

Still, books require followup, and that's generally not something that's fair to give to an ex. It means he can someday ask you, "Ok, so did you read it yet?", and then you're have to answer yes or no, and potentially field some kind of grief if the answer were no.

[Joshb]

yea amazing book, read it few years ago, i still think about it to this day, great stuff!!

[quirky]

Even though the Power of Now is considered a self-help book, it's also one of those books that some people read as a revelation and think "wow, I just want to share this with everyone I care about."

 

I understand that, I know the sentiment behind it is that he thinks I will enjoy it like he did. But as you said Jettison it would mean us discussing it at one point.

 

I had heard of the book myself and read some extracts online and I didn't wanna buy it because I knew he was reading it. I didn't wanna think of him through the book when I'm getting over the break up.

[Mustachio]

quirky, i dont know if i personally would send something like this to an ex, but my situation is not the same as yours. I think it also depends on the type of conversation you had, how it came about that he wanted to get you a gift, how you reacted then, all that other stuff.

 

Honestly, you may just want to say thank you and drop it there. If or when it comes up again you can tell him that you either read it or didnt. Either that or just let him know that the nature of your current "relationship" is one where you just dont think a gift like this is really appropriate...

[quirky]

It was a pleasant conversation and he said he has a present for me and I said I love presents. I didn't expect that..And I doubt I can read the book without thinking about him.

 

That's my issue. WHY is he sending me a present? It's like he doesn't realise I'm his ex. And that then makes me feel pathetic because I still desire him. I know he's not completely over it either.

 

I might send him an email to thank him and also say a lot of things I have wanted to say, I've been so dignified and restrained during the breakup, never broke NC and bit my tongue so I don't appear "too much". But now it seems that nothing more is ever gonna happen so I might just say what's on my mind. He's doing whatever he wants so why shouldn't I?

[JonasWaingaro]

It was a pleasant conversation and he said he has a present for me and I said I love presents. I didn't expect that..And I doubt I can read the book without thinking about him.

 

That's my issue. WHY is he sending me a present? It's like he doesn't realise I'm his ex. And that then makes me feel pathetic because I still desire him. I know he's not completely over it either.

 

I might send him an email to thank him and also say a lot of things I have wanted to say, I've been so dignified and restrained during the breakup, never broke NC and bit my tongue so I don't appear "too much". But now it seems that nothing more is ever gonna happen so I might just say what's on my mind. He's doing whatever he wants so why shouldn't I?

 

 

It is a strange gift to give to an ex. I agree it's a little patronizing, given your relationship details. It's clear he thinks or wants you guys to be buddies. Whether you do that is up to you Quirky. Though I don't think that's what you want now. Right? As to saying what's on your mind, I think if it'll help you then go for it. After this long and with him being somewhat clueless and obtuse, it might help put things into perspective. Let him understand the 'power of now'. haha I dunno. It's difficult for me to say since my situation is different on contact. Write out what you want to say and then read it back to yourself. Then sleep on it. I'm thinking at some point you are probably going to have to say what's on your mind to him. For your own sanity and well being. Gifts and contact simply isn't helping you let go and live your life. Here for ya! ((hugs))

[AutumnBorn]

But guys..we're not buddies. Would you send this to your ex?

 

I would but he wouldn't read it. He's got the spirituality of rock. The personality, too, come to think of it.

 

I'll bet he sent it because you were an important part of his life and he can't stop caring completely. This book meant something to him. He wanted to share it with you.

[jimmajam]

It is a little condescending. It sounds like he's trying to teach you something or trying to help you be a better person when it's not his place. Especially not after a breakup.

 

Just say thanks for the gift and leave it at that for now. If a stranger gives you something you'd still say thank you. It's the polite thing to do.

[1guygirl]

"hey thanks for the book, i have heard its good, i will hopefully get round to reading it when i can, lifes a lil busy right now but thanks again...ciao"

 

hows that for a ta very much ???

[AutumnBorn]

It's only condescending if you want it to be, Quirky. We all have some control over our perception. If you want to believe it's condescending and get mad, that's fine. Or you could think that it meant something to him, so he wanted to share it with you.

 

Which do you prefer?

[No1]

I dont think its the book itself, I think its what was the meaning behind it. Does he want you to improve on yourself? What is he saying exactly and I think that is what is confusing you. Not the title of the book. What is he trying to say.

Just accept it as a gift. Dont try to decode or decipher the meaning behind it. Proper ediqutte says to say thank you and let it be. If you wish to read it, then read it, if you dont, then dont. Its a simple solution really. You are trying to figure out why it was sent and what I am trying to say is accept it soely as a gift. Buddies, former lovers, friends or whatever. Its still a gift.

I know you still hurt quirky. There are times you can overthink and it overly hurts. To make life easier for you just let it be. Im sure he means well, its what the point is. He did not send it meaning ill thoughts, he told you about it so he was kind of proud he got it for you.

I bought my then GF, now the X, a spanish book for dummies. She said she wanted to learn how to speak spanish. So I bought her a book. She saw it was "spanish for dummies" and she thought I was calling her a dummy. I said NO, the book is good for basic spanish, comes with a CD, but she was offended cause of the word 'dummies' in the title.

[quirky]

As to saying what's on your mind, I think if it'll help you then go for it.

You're right Jonas but I'm petrified to do so. I write the email, edit it, about to send it then I can't. I think it will help because I've been really supressing myself, I'm sometimes jealous of the people that can beg and plead. Dunno what it is exactly..pride, fear of looking inferior, maybe even a tiny hope still that if I don't do that he'll still respect me so he might want me again. How pathetic. I wouldn't be desperate, just to express my feelings a bit more.

[quirky]

"hey thanks for the book, i have heard its good, i will hopefully get round to reading it when i can, lifes a lil busy right now but thanks again...ciao"

 

hows that for a ta very much ???

 

hahahaha...this is so unlike me..but great advice girl

[JonasWaingaro]

You're right Jonas but I'm petrified to do so. I write the email, edit it, about to send it then I can't. I think it will help because I've been really supressing myself, I'm sometimes jealous of the people that can beg and plead. Dunno what it is exactly..pride, fear of looking inferior, maybe even a tiny hope still that if I don't do that he'll still respect me so he might want me again. How pathetic. I wouldn't be desperate, just to express my feelings a bit more.

 

Yep. I understand. There's also the burning bridges aspect. Was just talking about this today. I think part of holding back is fear of what they will answer. We might get a harsh reality check. One we know deep down inside is there but don't want to acknowledge - as it's painful and sooo final. Plus acknowledging it makes it real, suppressing it keeps it in the realm of maybe/perhaps. I'm right here with you. I've wanted to write this letter for months but I don't let myself. Dunno if that's good or bad at this point to be honest. Writing it out is good either way, sent or not sent. It will help you get in touch with your feelings. See where you are now.

[quirky]

It's only condescending if you want it to be, Quirky. We all have some control over our perception. If you want to believe it's condescending and get mad, that's fine. Or you could think that it meant something to him, so he wanted to share it with you.

 

Which do you prefer?

 

Thing is..he had 3 years and a couple of reconciliation chances to share things with me..I find it a bit irrelevant at this point. I'm not angry at him really, I can see the sentiment behind it. I would expect this present from someone very close to me and we're not like that anymore. Sure my ego is hurt to see him acting like just a friend..If it makes me a meanie now what can I do? I'm not perfect.

 

 

Anyhow..I called him, left a voicemail, thanked him for the present and wished him Happy Easter. I had drafted a long email, a couple of long texts..I thought "that's it, I'm gonna do it". I really couldn't...I assume he must know, it's not like I've been cold. I'm gonna block him again from Facebook and just keep moving on.

[Hobbes]

This is a book that people in need of help turn to. Obviously. What this episode says to me if I may project: he's going through a rough time with this breakup, has been scouring the net/acquaintances etc for books that can help him be stronger, and has landed on this tome. It is a good book - not be all end all but it has a nice tranquility to its lecture and the ideas put forward are infinitely adoptable. I don't think he should have sent it to you. One - this is a message, not direct, but a message that he is (subdivision of One) a) Trying to make himself better AND by sending you the book is making this clear and b) is hoping that you will be well aware of the fact he is trying to improve himself, possibly to make himself appear in better light again and possibly to improve upon something that you saw as a weakness in him/possibly dealbreaker blablabla. Honestly, this book, when turned to after breakup, is pretty much a sign of struggle. I bought it.

 

Two - he might have been genuinely interested in the material in the book and thought you might identify as he probably knows you quite well. Innocuous. Could be One and Two but it's a coded send. One might say manipulative but that's hardly fair.

 

I'd thank him, but I would be aware of the fact he is probably in hell right now.

[quirky]

Yeah, I assumed as well that he got to the book because he needed some help. And I'm sure he sent it because as you say he knows me well.

 

One might say manipulative but that's hardly fair.

 

Yes, it's not fair in this case but my ex can be very manipulative. He knows sales and body language and uses it to get what he wants. I can do the same but often morals hold me back.

 

He replied to my voicemail: "Hi, I'm glad you liked yor presents! I was asleep when you called. Happy Easter to you too! Enjoy it-be nice to chat after celebrations have calmed down your end, if you like x"

 

Don't get it. Last time he wanted to talk I said I can't see how regular contact will help things and he agreed and said it will be hard, never done this before. I won't contact him. I feel so pathetic finding friendship so hard.