He refuses to drop the OW

[guest2345]

My story is that I caught my ex in e emotional affair and I busted him on it the other day. here is the whole story if you're interested.

 

So he's contacted me, poured his heart out and said he's made a mistake, said he intentionally pushed me away, had some things to work out on himself, and a bunch of other things that made me think okay, maybe I will give this fella another change. It's not going to happen overnight but at least if we get into the beginning stages of healing then maybe we can move forward together.

 

After our conversation I had a condition however, I told him that in order for me to be in his life, he would have to remove the other woman. I know it's controlling on my part but I really feel that as long as this person was in our lives, he'd be getting to have the best of both worlds and not have to deal with creating the connection he said he wanted to recreate with me and it would always be a sore point between us because I have a little bit more respect for myself than to be with someone I love as he's continuing on with someone else that he claims is 'just friends' but obviously she is a little more than that.

 

Was I out of line to ask that he cease all contact with the woman he's been having a emotional affair with?

 

He compared my asking him to remove her from his life as emotional blackmail and shut down on me again.

 

I am feeling as if he's just having a temper tantrum AND ALSO that his refusal to remove her makes me think that he has bonded with her more than he would like to admit. I'm fine with that. However, it's not going to get both of us. It's one or the other.

 

So I told him that I didn't want to argue and that he should do what feels best for him, wished him well and.. here I am. I've personally began NC again.

 

I DO want to be in relationship with him again, I do want him back. I just think that this one thing is something that cannot be ignored and as long as she continues to be a part of our lives... although he'll feel great I'm sure, I will never feel 100% secure.

 

Thoughts?

[annie24]

i think you are well within your rights to ask him to cut off contact with this other woman. what is more important to him - his wife, or his friendship with this woman? he needs to get his head on straight if he wants to save his marriage.

 

EDIT: i see you guys aren't married. how long have you been dating?

[petite]

Is he crazy? Seriously, drop this person! He wont be faithful, he doesn't care enough about you to be just with you. He calls your request blackmail? Come on! Don't buy his BS.

 

Why would you want someone that did this to you anyway? He did it once, he will do it again!

[guest2345]

Two years Annie24 - just recently had some rough spots and this is when that emotional affair began. I think he was trying to find something so that he could check out mentally and not really deal with our issues and then it seemed to explode a little and turn into this megamonster.

[Shortpants]

He MUST go total NC with the other woman to even consider beginning to work on things with your relationship together. If he doesn't want to, or chooses not to, he will never be able to focus 100% in fixing things in your relationship, and you will never be 100% sure he is not still contacting her on the side.

 

Borrowed from link removed

 

Q: What is NC?

 

A: NC means NO Contact between the WS (Wandering Spouse) and his or her affair partner (commonly referred to as OW=Other Woman or OM=Other Man). NC doesn't mean just a little bit of contact or an email or text message once in a while. It means NO contact. If there is still contact, then the affair has not come to a complete halt and your WS is still in a fog.

 

 

 

Q: Do you have to have NC to reconcile?

 

A: Yes, you do. You can't have a marriage that contains three people. Sometimes a BS (Betrayed Spouse) needs to have a lot of patience, because this "NC as a condition of reconciliation" point seems to be quite difficult for some WS (Wandering Spouse) to grasp. Even a fully remorseful WS who has recommitted to his or her BS may accept "just one last phone call to explain to OW/OM that it's really over". This is not to say that the WS is doing the right thing - just a caution that it may happen. You can still reconcile even after a slip up or two; but sooner or later NC must be firmly in place.

 

Q: How do you begin to recover?

 

A: Whether you are going to reconcile or divorce, you still will need strength to survive infidelity. The most important thing that you can do to begin to recover is to take care of yourself and, in time, you will find that you have survived and even thrived. It may not seem like it at first, but you will laugh again.

 

Try to take some time and think. Know that this had nothing to do with you, it was not your fault in any way. If there were problems in the marriage, they could have been handled differently. Don't make any major decisions right away, first try to get to a better place emotionally so that you can do what is right for yourself. You will learn a lot here and I cannot stress to you how much the people here will help you, we've all been in the same situation - please post whenever you need to and keep reading, you will learn and make friends who share your pain and you'll see that you can make it through too. That will give you the strength to recover. There are also helpful articles in the Healing Library that will give you more insight.

 

Take care of yourself and work on you:

First, do things that will give you some strength. Eat healthy food and try to exercise. Try to get a good night's sleep. This will help you in the healing process.

 

At first you will just need to do whatever you can to get through the days. As soon as you can, try to do things that make you feel good even if you have to fake it till you make it. Pamper yourself - take a bubble bath, drink a glass of wine, spend time with your friends, blast your favorite music, make a cd, read and post your vents here, go shopping, get a massage and a manicure, change your hair style, read a good book, enjoy your children, take a few days away - do things that you enjoy that you usually didn't do because you were taking care of everyone else, take the time to take care of you. Do some volunteer work to feel good about yourself.

Go to the doctor for meds if you need them to control your emotions and think more clearly or to get some sleep. They have helped many people here.

Get tested for STDs, it is reality and part of taking care of yourself.

Start therapy for yourself to help YOU - this is separate from marriage counseling.

Find an inspiration that will carry you through a tough day. Tape it someplace that you will see often and garner strength from it. It can be a poem, a prayer or a picture, whatever works for you. Put it on your computer monitor, your mirror, your steering wheel. Make it your mantra - memorize it and repeat it to yourself whenever necessary. Pick out new ones as you recover and you will notice the change in yourself.

Try to detach yourself emotionally from the situation to see it more clearly & from your WS if you need to so that you don't hurt so much - look for articles to help detach - there are some in the Inspirations Forum. If necessary for your own sanity, go no contact with your WS about everything except children and finances and handle those things by e-mail or other non-emotional methods. Do not let your WS push your buttons, leave the room and do something else for you.

Go to a bookstore or do a web search for helpful books and read them to understand what happened and what can happen from here. A suggestion is Love Must be Tough by Dr. Dobson. Read the book and then highlight areas that help you. When you have a day that you can't do anything else, rewrite those passages over and over. It will kill the time and the message will start to sink in.

Keep a journal to spill out your emotions into instead of crying to a still foggy WS and to keep track of your recovery progress.

Join a support group or just attend a session or two. You can pick a group that concentrates on the area you need the most help in to learn coping skills and to not feel so alone.

Talk if you need to. Decide if you want people in real life to know - you can just talk to a really close friend or tell everyone, others don't tell anyone or limit who will know - you do what is good for you to heal. Make a friend on SI and spend hours on the phone - I promise that you will end up laughing.

Help someone else. Answer a thread on SI - once you do, you will see how far you have come in your own recovery.

Know that even if your WS is showing remorse, you will go through the 5 stages of grieving (can be in any order): Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Letting Go, Acceptance. This is the healing process. Whether you reconcile or not, you will grow as a person. It wasn't your choice, but given time and an effort, you will survive and you will be stronger.

 

Please take care of yourself and stick to your guns with the NC with the other woman.

[guest2345]

Shortpants - Oh dont worry I'll be quite fine. I was sad for the last couple of days but I'm pretty sure I'll skip all the stages and go right into the letting go / acceptance stage. I want him... but I don't need him.

 

Oh btw - we're not married.

 

Thanks for the article. It's what I was trying to explain to him, that until she was gone from our lives then it would be next to impossible to reconcile. Seriously am I supposed to just sit there and just pretend like there's not someone else he's talking to while he's talking to me?

 

I cannot believe he is trying to hold on so tightly to someone he hasn't even met yet. (They're in different states). He's so stubborn and stuck in his ways of believing that he's right, and so stuck in this whole whoa is me, you're making demands and not listening to the pain I'm in, that he's blinding himself/fooling himself to the fact that just her very presence in his life if I'm to return would be so soul crushing to me.

 

I just want to pose the question to him to walk a mile in my shoes to see where I'm coming from. Or put it in some way that he might understand more. Understand that this is wrong.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I wouldn't get back together with him.

 

Honestly, I can't believe he actually thinks it's okay to stay in contact with the woman he had an affair with.

[guest2345]

Blackmail?

 

Is it blackmail in a way? A unreasonable ultimatum? I thought it was reasonable, maybe the timing was off but... I just keep holding onto how can we move forward if you're still engaging with one even if it's just emotional it's something that bothers me and hurts me.

[itsallgrand]

If you listen only to his actions, he is telling you he can not commit to you and probably doesn't want to.

 

So the question isn't really do you get back with him or not. The question is: will you accept him as he is and what he has to offer, or will you let him and what he has to offer go?

 

Standing in the middle is torture. Yes, you may want a full committed relationship with this man, but unfortunately, he is not offering it.

[Taikero]

Like it or not your trust has been violated because of this woman and if she's in his life in any way there will still be doubt and no trust can be given.

 

It's as simple as that, and he needs to recognize that before I think he'll drop her, which if he has any real desire to get back with you he'll do.

[DontGetStung]

guest2345, this is so silly, that I'm in a bit of shock that you needed to come here for advice on this. I realize you're attached, but you seem to be in a pretty sound state of mind, rather than an irrational love struck one. Grow a backbone, and tell him not to think about getting back together until he ends contact with her.

[guest2345]

DontGetStrung - Nice name. That is exactly what I did. I just came here for support I guess and a little validation that what I did was the right thing to do and anything he says other than "she's gone honey" means nothing. In our last conversation, it made me waver a bit as he threw out the emotional blackmail bit not to mention saying that "that's something else!" as in, he can't believe that after pouring his heart out to me I let him know what my heart needed. I guess I should have just kept my mouth shut according to his reaction.

 

Oh well live and learn.

 

You're right I'm better than that. Head held high, though I'm sure I've waiver at some point but not enough to make me break NC if he doesn't want to help me feel secure.

 

Taikero - yeah.

 

So... I guess we're just left with my final action - told him he needs to do what's best for him and wished him luck.

 

Maybe he'll come to his senses on things, maybe not. If he doesn't his loss and if he does good gain - I'm a good catch. The question will be however, if he waits too long, will I really want him back? The more time that passes, the more this goes on, the more I'm willing to just throw my hands up and forget it.

 

I'll keep you updated.

[annie24]

i don't think it's emotional blackmail at all. i think you did the right thing. and even if he comes back, you might decide you don't want him back!!!!

[guest2345]

I am wondering... for more opinions... if he contacts me again later this evening, which I think he might, should I just listen to what he has to say and anything short of sure I'll end all contact is a admission that his feelings for her are stronger at the moment than for me and he chooses her feelings and well being over mine?

 

THank you people. I didn't think it was emotional blackmail! It's not like I make such demands all the time.

[annie24]

not sure why he would prioritize her, a woman he's never met, over you, his gf of two years. if he can't cut this girl out, if he'd rather upset you by talking to her rather than respecting your feelings, you're better off without him. i know people can just be friends, but it seems from what you have said that that isn't her intention.

 

well, see what he says. if it's not to your liking, tell him that's that.

[uhohlala]

I wouldn't take the call. Your position is very clear, and it's not at all blackmail. He changed the circumstances of your relationship by "branching out" with the other woman, and you found that unacceptable. He might think that you're wrong about what's going on between them, but you get to decide for yourself what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship.

 

He sounds like someone who's quite good at spinning scenarios to suit the way he wants to view the world (in particular his actions). Instead of recognizing that he's the one in the wrong, he's accusing you of attempting to blackmail him, and he was sufficiently convincing to get you to question yourself about that. His position is without merit, but he's maintaining it anyway. You're not going to get him to see things your way. So why talk to him about it? There's nothing to discuss, and you'll probably just end up with more self-doubts and bad feelings.

[guest2345]

He has admitted and agreed to my terms.

 

I can't say that things will immediately be like how they were before. They won't. My trust has been broken and it'll take a bit to regain it. I would like to try and would hope that he is strong enough to follow through but... we'll see.

 

I hope I'm not back posting on here again other than for positive reasons.

[Brownstone322]

He has admitted and agreed to my terms.

 

I can't say that things will immediately be like how they were before. They won't. My trust has been broken and it'll take a bit to regain it. I would like to try and would hope that he is strong enough to follow through but... we'll see.

 

I hope I'm not back posting on here again other than for positive reasons.

I was amazed that he had insisted on maintaining contact with this person. Just amazed.

 

That said -- and I don't want to be a contrarian -- I'm disappointed that you had to essentially give him an ultimatum. I'd have felt a lot better had he insisted that he would stop what he was doing rather than having caved to your terms. In other words, there never should have been any need for those terms.

 

Good luck with this.

[Taikero]

He has admitted and agreed to my terms.

 

I can't say that things will immediately be like how they were before. They won't. My trust has been broken and it'll take a bit to regain it. I would like to try and would hope that he is strong enough to follow through but... we'll see.

 

I hope I'm not back posting on here again other than for positive reasons.

 

It's refreshing to see he came to his senses, and I hope he follows through with NC as he's promised. Good luck to you both.

[squirl]

Was I out of line to ask that he cease all contact with the woman he's been having a emotional affair with?

 

He compared my asking him to remove her from his life as emotional blackmail and shut down on me again.

 

You had every right to insist on him ceasing contact with the OW as a precondition to your seeing him.

 

The blackmail notion implies an entitlement to him having you in his life. It's only blackmail if you're using it to take away something that is his, and you're not his until he earns you. I would take a look at where his sense of such entitlement to you comes from.

 

Don't let yourself get brainwashed.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I was amazed that he had insisted on maintaining contact with this person. Just amazed.

 

That said -- and I don't want to be a contrarian -- I'm disappointed that you had to essentially give him an ultimatum. I'd have felt a lot better had he insisted that he would stop what he was doing rather than having caved to your terms. In other words, there never should have been any need for those terms.

 

Good luck with this.

 

I agree. I'm amazed as well by his...well, guts in thinking that he had any right to contact the woman he cheated on the OP with. Seems rather deluded to me.

 

OP, at the first sign of him falling back into old habits, dump his rump. You've given him more chances than most and you don't deserve to have this guy run you around again.

[guest2345]

Brownstone322 - I'm disappointed as well. You know, I think he was still in the we're just friends state of mind. I've been reading about how some people in emotional affairs know they're skirting the line but think that if they haven't DONE anything they're not cheating. I let him know exactly how I felt and what emotional affairs were and what it was he needed to do to keep me in his life.

 

Cognitive_Canine - Yep. There won't be any conversation any further on this matter by me. If he does it again, I'll walk. And lucky me, I'll have the support of you people to help get me through.

 

Thanks again everyone.

[guest2345]

Well I am in NC now. He agreed to my terms but hadn't removed her from FB I asked him about it and instead of delete her he removed his own profile. The problem however is as far as I know his contact with her is via cell. Also to delete his profile rather than delete her feels like a smack in the face. I reckon he doesn't think this way and even contacted me telling me what he did. I really hoped hed get it together but looks like he's still playing games.

Thanks again folks

[Taikero]

It's possible he viewed removing the Facebook profile as more "final" than just removing her (after all she could just make a new dummy account with a fake profile picture and start talking to him again on that, right?).

 

I don't think you should shun him if he's accomplishing the same thing by doing what he's done. It seems a bit extreme but he may feel he has to go overboard to get you back and that might have played into his decision there.

[guest2345]

No remember Taikero? I'm the one who used to pay both phone bills and so I still have his information - I think he's forgotten. So I verified that he has been calling a new number, texting as well very very often into the wee hours of the morning AND sending pxt. I called the number and she answered (hung up not going to confront anyone I just wanted to know if I was right in my thinking)

 

A few days after he agreed to things, he begin contacting her again.

 

He can have her.