STOP! You're Wasting Your Time. Seriously.

[jimmajam]

So, lets forget about the breakup for a second. Forget about how much you love them, how much you miss them and how bad it hurts that they won't contact you and when they do it's not the type of contact you wanted. Lets take a look at what happened.

 

Some of us have gone through terrible breakups where the ex either cheated, jumped to someone else immediately or was just plain harsh while severing the ties. If you don't fit in that category I can almost guarantee you still feel hurt, confused and or betrayed by your ex saying how special you were and how they wanted to be with you forever and then changed their mind and left.

 

So after saying all that...why are you so worried about getting them back? While we are sidelining the pain here for a little bit, think logically. If someone else did this to you, a co-workers, acquaintance, relative - you wouldn't beg them to come back for it potentially to happen again. You'd be upset with them, get over it and then not really bother with them again until they prove to you that you can trust them again. No matter how close we were to our ex's and how much we love them it's the same deal. It's plain ridiculous to hope, beg, pray, cry or come up with these strategic plans to get them back. They left, they broke their word on what the relationship was suppose to be, they weren't happy.

 

Now with that mindset in hand, can you really trust them enough to take them back anyway? No matter how good the breakup was, unless it was truly mutual, you were probably hurt pretty bad. Your ex, no matter how good of a person, probably acted harshly more than once. Can you really look past how they acted during this chaotic period? I'm not so sure I can anymore. My ex was the sweetest, most honest and intelligent girl I ever met and as soon as she decided we were done I saw a completely different side I didn't even know existed. She treated me like a stranger, wouldn't talk to me about the breakup even when it was happening, she closed off completely, when we did talk and try to be civil she acted like she had no time for me, she would take weeks to reply to an email, give me short answers that did nothing to add to the conversation. I understand breaking up, trying to move on whatever she thinks she is doing, but she went from being the most amazing person I'd ever met to someone whom I didn't even know.

 

Does this mean that if she comes back around, apologizes and is sincere that I won't accept her? No. Does this mean that we'll never get back together? No. I know she is for the most part the same amazing girl I knew and I understand people act different in emotional and difficult times. I can forgive, but right now there is no point to worry about it.

 

What I'm saying is that we all need to take a step back, quit pursuing people who treated us badly and don't want to be with us. There is no point in trying to build the bridge if you're working all alone. When your ex decides to pitch in and help, cross that bridge then and worry about what you're going to do and what the future holds. If you're not on the road to reconciliation you're just spinning your wheels and making your own life miserable.

 

If some how I could look back at the last 7 months of my life and add up the hours I spent thinking about my ex, it would be about 5,113.390786 hours ... yeah that's 7 months in hours. I haven't stopped thinking about my ex or what happened. Ridiculous. It has to stop. For all of us.

[jenmar]

Thank you for that.

[danix0x0x0]

it makes me cringe how much time i wasted time crying and thinking about that cheater!!

[Psinic]

Excellent post - made me sit up and take notice. Well said..

 

Now if only it were that easy

[jenmar]

Print the post out and re read it when u get sad.

or come back to the site, read this post and you will feel better.

 

just a suggestion as that is what i do

[jimmajam]

Excellent post - made me sit up and take notice. Well said..

 

Now if only it were that easy

 

It gets easier. I have my good and bad days. We all do. It all comes down to if we let it become a bad day. You don't have to think about your ex or the broken relationship. There is so much more you could be thinking about or out doing. Don't at it as finished, just put it aside and realize there's no sense in dwelling on it until you're given a reason to do so. Dwell on the positives in your life not the ones that hurt you.

[yonanz]

It gets easier. I have my good and bad days. We all do. It all comes down to if we let it become a bad day. You don't have to think about your ex or the broken relationship. There is so much more you could be thinking about or out doing. Don't at it as finished, just put it aside and realize there's no sense in dwelling on it until you're given a reason to do so. Dwell on the positives in your life not the ones that hurt you.

 

good post. i agree with what you said. we spend most of our time pining and thinking about the past and bawling our hearts out and telling sob stories when all these time could have been used constructively on building ourselves up, improving our lives and bascially restoring meaning and confidence back.

 

sometimes i dont believe time is enough. we ough to have a good sense of discipline and a firm grip on ourselves in order to make the recovery more effective. this means intentionally and forcefully cutting short the time when we think about her, no matter how strong the urge is. this means having the dsicipline to go out there and socialise and get things done rather than sitting in your comfort zone with you beer or ice cream and just thinking about how miserable and hurt you are. its basically doing everything counter-intuitive - i know its tempting to just lie on your bed sofa or coach, or phone and call them incessantly, or check out their FB - but these are precisely the things that set us back and waste our time and energy.

 

for all u know they might be having fun, living the life on the other side while we are languishing over here. so, let us all be logical for once. why make ourselves miserable when they, for all u know, are doing well and perhaps making new friends and even meeting new partners? u can get yourself on track and live an even more exciting and meaningful life than them! dont shortchange yourself and live up to life's potential!

 

PS: on a side note TS, i also went through a similar breakup. not the reason. just the situaion itself. i went through the pre-breakup process not knowing what was going on. she began distancing herself and saying weird things but never made things clear and never included me in her thougth process. then breakup came out of a sudden. and baicalyl she changed. she didnt want to see me, she couldnt wait to get the breakup over and done with, she couldnt wait for our closure meeting and conversations to end, she stopped feeling excited about talking to me or receiving text/calls, and she began to become cold in her remarks and say things that overturn/contradict everything that we have built up over the past 4 years.

 

i guess the reason is that she might be too hurt which forces change in her tone/character [as in my case], and that shes also doing this to protect herself. my guess is that shes hurting from the breakup as well, particularly as a dumper she has to shoulder guilt as well, and only by chaning and emotionally distancing can she be firm on her decision and also protect herself from hurt. ur right, in emotional times, or with someone who has hurt her, a woman may behave differently or say words that they have never said before. i dont thin they mean to do this to hurt you. its just their methods to justify their guilt, withdraw from potentially more hurt, and protect themselves, and to force themselves to be firm and not waver on the decision.

[brokenheart41]

Yeah, really good post. Very true. But love is such a powerfull thing, it takes control of your body, mind and soul! We all know deep inside that we are wasting our times with this nonsense but most of us are still on a high. It's so hard to let go of that crazy little thing called love.

 

Hope this makes any sense, can't really think straight right now -lol.

[yonanz]

Yeah, really good post. Very true. But love is such a powerfull thing, it takes control of your body, mind and soul! We all know deep inside that we are wasting our times with this nonsense but most of us are still on a high. It's so hard to let go of that crazy little thing called love.

 

Hope this makes any sense, can't really think straight right now -lol.

 

 

it makes sense definitely! thats why i always think, whichever country can invent a love potion, it would be the greatest military weapon ever, even more powerful than the nuke

[DazB]

Excellent post.

 

The other day after a jog I thought about keeping this up so that I become fitter and healthier. The moment I had this thought another thought popped into my head, an image of my ex. Immediately I felt down and anxious and thought to myself 'I am not ready to commit so much to jogging, baby steps Darren, baby steps'.

 

STOP! (that's my internal stop by the way - a method for keeping thoughts of her in check.)

 

This is a person who no longer loves me and had feelings for someone else. Why is she dictating my life still? What is she doing in my thoughts? ahhh and there it is, that simple little truth - I am still scared to let go. That's why I put things on hold, because doing them things means moving on from my old life, letting my ex go, our house go, all my little routines go, my old life go.

 

This is a new chapter. No it isn't, this is the transition. That new chapter is waiting for me and as soon as a let go of the past I will be jumping into head on. But in the meantime I best look after my health and well being and do everything I can so that when that new chapter comes I am ready, purring, growling to go.

 

Bye bye obsessive thoughts of ex, Hello Freedom!

 

(Sorry, got carried away

[kyivish]

I'm having a really hard time letting go. I'm not as experienced in relationships as most of you are. It still hurts so bad to think this person once loved you and so quickly jumped into the arms of another man. I don't want to give up on what we had, nor to I want to go through this again with anyone else. I had love, it was great, and the price is also great, I pay for it with my life

[AutumnBorn]

I think you should post this in the getting back together forum. Those are the people that really need it. Is anyone here really hoping to get their ex back?

 

I wouldn't take that man back unless and until he showed me he wasn't the same person who was looking for sex with strange couples on Craigslist - among other things. And then, he'd have to have lots of blood work done. After that, I'd have to see if the man who came up out the other side of his personal gutter was remotely interesting to me or worth my time. At this point, he disgusts me. I can't imagine where his larry has been.

[jimmajam]

I think you should post this in the getting back together forum. Those are the people that really need it. Is anyone here really hoping to get their ex back?

 

I wouldn't take that man back unless and until he showed me he wasn't the same person who was looking for sex with strange couples on Craigslist - among other things. And then, he'd have to have lots of blood work done. After that, I'd have to see if the man who came up out the other side of his personal gutter was remotely interesting to me or worth my time. At this point, he disgusts me. I can't imagine where his larry has been.

 

I totally agree, but I don't think they will like it very much. The people in the getting back together section are either helpless because the breakup is fresh, they're fooling themselves into thinking any contact they make with their ex is positive or they really are on the road to reconciliation. There's nothing wrong with it, I did it for months and I still have my days, so no offense to those people. I hope to reach those who finally give up on the getting back together section like I did a few months ago.

[jimmajam]

I'm having a really hard time letting go. I'm not as experienced in relationships as most of you are. It still hurts so bad to think this person once loved you and so quickly jumped into the arms of another man. I don't want to give up on what we had, nor to I want to go through this again with anyone else. I had love, it was great, and the price is also great, I pay for it with my life

 

I had girlfriend before my most recent ex, but it was mostly high school/college BS that I didnt intend to last too long. My recent ex was someone I thought I would spend the rest of my life with and we were making plans to do so before she flipped completely on me. Hang in there.

[jenmar]

i was feeling down today.. toward the end when I came home after a fullfilling day of manicure, pedicure and lunch with a friend.

I cried.. I texted him, no reply.. i was sad. no reply or call in almost two weeks.

 

 

Then I rememberd this thread was on here, logged in read it and I feel fine.

 

I need, no we all need.. to remember the hurt these people caused and try to fight the want to get back together, the want to talk to them.. because in reality what is that going to do.

 

we are all meant to be with someone, that person is out there, don't let them pass you by because you want your ex back, the one that broke you.

 

 

[PandaEyes]

How do you get the thoughts to stop?

 

I try this but I dont really know if its working or not.

 

I think you are right about not wanting to let go. We broke up 6 months ago and I know things had been bad before hand so I think I have just gotten used to feeling down and anxious AND I'M TIRED OF IT. I don't really know how to change though...?

I know we are never getting back together, he is moving to the other side of the world in a few months. We havent spoken since january and neither of us has initiated any contact since then (He sent me a really short email asking how I was), I don't want a boyfriend right now and I don't want to sleep with random guys so I don't really know what to do... I think about him all the time - why can't i just be like him and switch it all off and never give him a second thought? These are questions no one can answer.

 

I am having a bad day today and feel sad and crappy and I don't even know why.

 

 

ramble.

[Brownstone322]

Does this mean that if she comes back around, apologizes and is sincere that I won't accept her? No. Does this mean that we'll never get back together? No. I know she is for the most part the same amazing girl I knew and I understand people act different in emotional and difficult times. I can forgive, but right now there is no point to worry about it.

Pretty good stuff, that right there.

[AutumnBorn]

I think every one of us needs to ask if, knowing everything we know about our exes, would we have choose someone just like them? What is it that you desire and miss so much? What is it that you can't get enough of? I know nobody is entirely bad, but our exes did some vicious, evil acts to us.

 

Who's looking for a liar? Cheating okay? You like being cut down and called names, being degraded? Who's up for some mind games? Anybody really, truly desire an emotional abuser? How about someone cold and calculating? Anybody want an emotional baby?

 

When I thought I wanted my ex back (and, oh, I do have days when I miss him a great deal), I'd ask myself if it was the lying and cheating that I really missed. That's what I'd get if I took him back - it's what I gave up. One day I realized that I didn't want him back as much as I wanted him to want me back...and that's when I devised my evil plan for revenge by becoming the woman of his wet dreams. Last night he told me how beautiful I looked when I stopped by to pick up our daughter. He hugged me just long enough for it to feel a bit too long. I've never looked better.

 

As passive aggressive, manipulative, uncommunicative, out of touch, and immature as he was, I'd have to be into emotional S&M to find that attractive or anything close to what I want.

 

Ask yourself....knowing what you know now, is your ex the person you'd choose for yourself?

[jbrooklyn]

Excellent post - made me sit up and take notice. Well said..

 

Now if only it were that easy

 

RIGHT!! I Totally agree but man it is tough! But you are right..we need to move the hell on

[mianme]

WOW! I needed that!