intro retro circum

[waveseer]

I can't shake the notion that there was something important I was supposed to be doing with my life. Along the way I've been sidetracked, distracted, lost, found, committed, uncommitted, inspired, possessed, dispossessed, and mostly frustrated.

 

As an exercise I pictured my life as a story and imagined myself achieving that which would weave all of the loose ends together, answering all the questions. Why did this happen, why did that happen, why did I do this, why did I do that.

 

But what happens if there is no such scene, no answers, no plot satisfaction? What if I've gone through all of this for nothing and anyone who's ever believed in me is wrong?

 

I'm tired of having interesting stories to tell, bored of narrow escapes and near misses. I'm sick of being someone on the inside and someone entirely different on the outside. Why haven't I been able to reconcile the two yet? Which pieces of the puzzle are still missing?

 

I have short, medium, and long term goals. I have family and friends to love and be loved by. All of my material needs are met. I know how to cut loose and have fun and I do it often. I even have unconditional love from my dog.

 

I am rich with life but poor in my progress fulfilling my purpose. Everything must mean something because if it doesn't than nothing means anything and there's no point at all. Each and every something I've experienced serves a purpose to guide me where I need to go. What if my whole life unfolded the way it did just so I can die peacefully when it's over?

 

I guess that's a pretty good reason, it ties up all the loose ends and satisfies any lingering frustrations. In fact, at that moment I do believe my insides will finally match my outsides.

[waveseer]

Haha, this is one of those cases where when I read what I wrote the night before it makes me scratch my head. If I didn't know myself better I'd say I was on something. lol

 

In the light of a new day I feel a bit differently. Yes, there has been a great deal of frustration in my life, and yes I do believe in self-examination HOWEVER there are times when extraordinary events are unfolding at such a rapid rate that it produces far more serenity to shelve the analysis until things die down and temporarily set this piece aside as "unusual".

 

The sun is out, the birds are singing, and I am smiling.

[RougeKali823]

Hey, I just got back from a Lenten ENA break and have been looking for you but there is no option to PM you.

[waveseer]

Today I feel like a winner. Nevermind that life is not a race and there are no real winners and losers, only satisfied and dissatisfied or participating and non-participating.

 

So today I am satisfied and participating, and that's good enough for me.

 

Why? Because I have lived a whole day today, loved, ate, and played with fire. I smell of burned wood and I am exhausted.

 

Life is good.

[waveseer]

Hey, I just got back from a Lenten ENA break and have been looking for you but there is no option to PM you.

 

I'm taking a new direction which doesn't include using the pm feature. I hope everything is going well with you.

[waveseer]

I just realized that for the first time in twenty years I have finally freed myself of relationships where the other person messes with me. I like the sound I hear when I stop and listen, it's silence.