His roommate keeps asking me what ground rules I would need to get back together....why?

[jazzbarrett]

So, from my previous posts, you guys know my bf broke up with me about a few weeks ago. It was not a clean break and we have had NC in 2 weeks. He has since moved out and I have done my best to not run in to him and only go to events of our mutual friends' when I know he will not be there. The weird thing is, his roommate (a mutual friend of ours), keeps asking me what I would need for us to get back together. At first I thought it was just out of curiosity, but the question has since been pushed multiple times. I finally asked today if they thought I should approach my ex about a possible reconciliation or even attempt to be friends...and I received the weirdest response:

 

"It's good to have ground rules. That way the other person knows what needs to be done and they can't ever say 'I didn't know.' I honestly can't tell if you should approach him. Maybe he is still hurting about how things ended. Maybe he doesn't care either way if you approach him."

 

I am so confused. If you guys think I should just stop holding on to hope, I will, but I don't understand why his roommate would push this. I think they are either in cahoots and are laughing behind my back at how this is screwing with me or that his roommate is fishing for information and sees there is a possibility of reconciliation...what should I do? How should I approach this? My ex has stuff @ my house and he has not replied in a week about picking them up (he was supposed to get them last week, but I had to reschedule because of work and he was very MAD about not meeting for some odd reason).

[eggplant47]

I really, really think the roommate might be into you. This is his akward way of finding out what you look for in a boyfriend.

[jazzbarrett]

the roommate is a girl.

 

she is in a long term, happy relationship. and for those skeptics, she has expressed (prior to our breakup) that she was not attracted to my then bf. so i know they are not hooking up.

[eggplant47]

the roommate is a girl.

 

she is in a long term, happy relationship. and for those skeptics, she has expressed (prior to our breakup) that she was not attracted to my then bf. so i know they are not hooking up.

 

 

 

Hmmm than the whole thing does seem very, very odd. I would just refuse to play their game and say very little to her. Maybe she liked you very much as a friend and just wishes you guys would re-connect so she has another couple she hangs out with?

[jazzbarrett]

she has expressed many a time that she wished we would get back together and had little things after the breakup NOT happened, she was sure we would have gotten back together. i don't know, i think you are right, something is amiss. i just don't understand why, if she is being malicious, she would do this. she was supposed to be a bridesmaid and we are/were close. she is the one that has been telling me that he wasn't doing well, has been crying, not sleeping, drinking more, etc. it's so hard for me to move on knowing this because i still do want to reconcile.

[eggplant47]

she has expressed many a time that she wished we would get back together and had little things after the breakup NOT happened, she was sure we would have gotten back together. i don't know, i think you are right, something is amiss. i just don't understand why, if she is being malicious, she would do this. she was supposed to be a bridesmaid and we are/were close. she is the one that has been telling me that he wasn't doing well, has been crying, not sleeping, drinking more, etc. it's so hard for me to move on knowing this because i still do want to reconcile.

 

Well, I guess it's possible that it's not malice but nosiness.

 

But the truth is, if this is your X's effort to get back into your life, it's a bit immature.

 

Maybe you should lightly tell her that, although you enjoy chatting with her, you're trying to move on & constantly hearing about your X is counter productive.

[jazzbarrett]

yeah...good point. i guess a part of me was wishing that she saw something or heard something that hinted that he was still holding a torch for me and, whether or not he admitted it, this was her way of finding out. i am trying to move on, but i know, in my heart, that if wanted to get back together....i wouldn't hesitate. part of me doesnt want to speak to her more, but i worry that she is my only link to him now and if there was a chance, she could relay to him. and i am aware that this is so high school and immature, trust me, i am aware.

[eggplant47]

yeah...good point. i guess a part of me was wishing that she saw something or heard something that hinted that he was still holding a torch for me and, whether or not he admitted it, this was her way of finding out. i am trying to move on, but i know, in my heart, that if wanted to get back together....i wouldn't hesitate. part of me doesnt want to speak to her more, but i worry that she is my only link to him now and if there was a chance, she could relay to him. and i am aware that this is so high school and immature, trust me, i am aware.

 

Well... shutting down this mode of communication may also force him to decide what he really wants & step up if he wants to get back together! And if not, at least you don't have roomie making the split all the more confusing!

[squirl]

I don't understand why his roommate would push this. I think they are either in cahoots and are laughing behind my back at how this is screwing with me or that his roommate is fishing for information and sees there is a possibility of reconciliation...what should I do? How should I approach this?

 

I wonder if he is communicating through his roommate because you have cut off all other modes of communicating with you except for an old email address, and with an email he cannot get same kind of gratification of a phone call or face-to-face? Or he is afraid of the hurt he's already caused you and cannot face the consequences of his actions?

 

My theory is inflected strongly to the many references you have made to his drinking. The "ground rules" is kind of a straw man setup, because to break one would be an out, an easy black & white thing to point to for him to rationalize (e.g., well she had impossible rules anyway). I'm sorry, but this is a distancing technique and kind of a lose-lose situation.

 

Still, I can tell that you love him and have hope. I am all for true love but it is a sticky wicket. If you feel brave and strong, perhaps you might respond, as far as "ground rules," go, a first step could be for him to come to you himself.

 

Good luck.