To have or not to have (kids)

[bear12]

I'm getting married this summer and recently my fiance and I had a serious discussion about important life issues. One of them, obviously, was whether or not we wanted kids.

 

I'm in my late 20s, so i know I still have a bit of time, but I feel so entirely ambivalent on the issue- (he was too)

 

On the one hand, I love my life as-is. I know that becoming a parent will completely change everything. No more after work happy hours, no more getting to go to the gym regularly, no more heading off for weekend camping trips whenever we feel like it. I am also very career-driven, and know that becoming a parent will take a lot of my focus off that aspect of my life. Of course, kids are also really expensive, and some part of me feels like I'd be happier spending my hard earned income on foreign travel, nice dinners out, weekend ski trips, etc, rather than diapers and extra food and clothes and college tuition. In that sense, I'm somewhat selfish and I'm not sure that parenting is for me. Also, you always hear that couples' relationships struggle when kids are introduced into the picture, and I'm really happy with our relationship as it is. I feel like we could maybe just be the cool aunt/uncle (to my fiance's sibling's kids) and feel content in that.

 

On the other hand, everyone who has kids say its the best thing that ever happened to them. I do think that if I did become a parent I would put my all into it and truly feel like my child(ren)) was the love of my life. I also worry that while I think my life now is great, by the time I'm in my mid 40s I'll be bored with it and be really ready to settle down with a family. And I can't imagine growing old someday without having adult children around. I don't mean to imply that that only advantage I see in having kids is to prevent myself from being lonely in the future, but I do think there is something to be said for the idea of family. As an only child, if- god forbid- something happened to my fiance someday, I really wouldn't have much family in the world! Also, I think my fiance would be an amazing father and, as corny as it is, I do like the idea of creating life out of our love for each other.

 

So, I guess what I'm saying is that if the "normal" age to have kids was at 45 (and people regularly lived to be 100 or something...) I'd be pretty sure I'd want a family. The problem, of course, is that this is a decision I'll have to make quite a bit before then, and I'm just not sure if I'll be ready for it at that point. I suppose, on some level adoption is an option, but I'm also not sure I want to be an "older" parent. I think it would be harder both for me and for the kid (who would likely lose their parents earlier in life). I understand that it's probably not a good idea to have kids just to avoid feeling bad about NOT having kids down the road, but I also worry that if I don't have kids, I'll be missing out on what would have been the best and most rewarding experience of my and my fiance's life.

 

ugh! I just don't know!

 

I'd love to hear any thoughts anyone has.

[civilservant]

Bear, we can't make the decision for you, and of course you know your own mind, all I can day is that I don't think my life would be complete without becoming a father at some point...

 

The points you raise are valid, and it's something you and your SO have to make a decision on. I suppose the key things is what you said about having a family, and that implies you do want them, but you're right you have time on your side...

[FathomFear]

You have lots of time to decide. If you're uncertain right now, then at least you know that now isn't a time to have kids. And it's possible that time will never come. Not all couples have kids.

 

And don't forget the other options available. There are many children out there who need homes. You could be foster parents or adoptive parents, etc. It all comes down to what you want. I am sure it will become clear with time.

[newwave]

People change about having kids. Until I was 35 I was so sure I never wanted kids. I even went to the gyne to ask her about getting my tubes tied. Luckily, she didn't do it (she told me to think about it seriously) because now at 39 I want kids eventually, even if they are adopted kids. I can't for a few years because I have job situations (I am unemployed) and the guy I like doesn't want to get serious now (neither do I). Strangely, years ago he was desperate to be a father while I didn't want kids. Hopefully, he'll want to get serious and married, I'll have a job, then we can have kids. Otherwise at that point I might adopt a needy kid who needs a home.

[bear12]

Thanks for the feedback.

 

I'm not looking for anyone to make the decision for me, I know it's on me! But I think it's helpful to hear others' views on it, and maybe think of it from a different perspective.

 

also, if there's anyone out there who made a purposeful choice not to have kids and is now past child rearing age, I'd love to hear if you feel good about that decision now or if you ever regret it. Kind of personal, I know, but if you don't mind sharing....

 

In any case, I've heard many people say that the just wake up one day feeling the need to have kids, so maybe that will happen to me at some point! I kind of hope so, b/c then it won't feel so much like a decision!

[shes2smart]

About 15, I was thinkin' I wasn't mommy material.

 

I'm close almost 46 and I'm still thinkin' I'm not mommy material.

 

I have serious doubts about this "biological clock" I'm supposed to have because I have never heard a single tick-tock from it ever. I look at the lives of the people I know who have kids have, and I don't feel like I missed out on anything.

 

I'd rather have my cats, thanks.

[petite]

This is a hard important decision your have to make and our partner also. I believe that if you are getting married, both parties need to have the same or similar opinions about marriage/family/kids.

 

With everything that you mentioned, I know many couples that even with three kids, manage to have great vacations, travel around, go to the gym regularly, spend money on them selves, dinners etc. Just because you get married your life does not end, it should get better and I truly believe the same to be if you have kids.

 

Naturally if you and your partner earn minimum wage then yes, most of your money would have to go on the child, because it's an extra person who depends on you to support hem in every possible way. However, if you guys can afford 3 vacations a year, cutting back on 1-2 isn't all that bad some people have none.

 

Only you know when it is the right time for you to be a parent, but I wouldn't not have a kid just because I might miss going to the gym one day or might miss that weekend with the girls.

 

Most of what you mentioned can and does include kids. You can go skiing, snowboarding, camping, weekends away and bring your child, nothing wrong with that. Many people do it and have a blast. It's all a part of being a family.

 

Personally, Id choose a child over any of those activities any day, because I truly crave to have children, but we're all different.

[sidehop]

No more after work happy hours, no more getting to go to the gym regularly, no more heading off for weekend camping trips whenever we feel like it.

 

You learn to work around it, you don't have to give up anything, my wife and I alternate going places to give each other space from time to time. Sure, travel maybe hectic in the beginning when you have a small child(ren) but as they get older they start to help you out and become more efficient.

 

I am also very career-driven, and know that becoming a parent will take a lot of my focus off that aspect of my life. Of course, kids are also really expensive, and some part of me feels like I'd be happier spending my hard earned income on foreign travel, nice dinners out, weekend ski trips, etc, rather than diapers and extra food and clothes and college tuition. In that sense, I'm somewhat selfish and I'm not sure that parenting is for me.

 

Nothing wrong with spending your own money, but if and when you do have a child it becomes another joy. I felt the same way also but wouldn't hesitate spend money on my daughter for necessities as well as spoiling her sometimes.

 

Also, you always hear that couples' relationships struggle when kids are introduced into the picture, and I'm really happy with our relationship as it is. I feel like we could maybe just be the cool aunt/uncle (to my fiance's sibling's kids) and feel content in that.

 

The hardest part about raising a child is that you still need to make the time to be together as a couple, get a babysitter and go out on a date and be away from your child from time to time.

 

On the other hand, everyone who has kids say its the best thing that ever happened to them. I do think that if I did become a parent I would put my all into it and truly feel like my child(ren)) was the love of my life.

 

To me it is one of the best thing that has happened but also I saw a bigger picture about life in general. It really is a cycle, how precious it is and why we humans reproduce and carry on the legacy. I appreciate my parents so much more knowing what they've gone through and still reminds me everyday.

 

So, I guess what I'm saying is that if the "normal" age to have kids was at 45 (and people regularly lived to be 100 or something...) I'd be pretty sure I'd want a family. The problem, of course, is that this is a decision I'll have to make quite a bit before then, and I'm just not sure if I'll be ready for it at that point. I suppose, on some level adoption is an option, but I'm also not sure I want to be an "older" parent. I think it would be harder both for me and for the kid (who would likely lose their parents earlier in life). I understand that it's probably not a good idea to have kids just to avoid feeling bad about NOT having kids down the road, but I also worry that if I don't have kids, I'll be missing out on what would have been the best and most rewarding experience of my and my fiance's life.

 

Some people have children early in their life and retire without children living in their home and vise versa. It's really up to you and your partner to find what would work out for you. Yes, there's always the option for adoption as well as using a surrogate mother (with or without your genetics) at an older age.

[Batya33]

My husband and I were 42 when we had our first child. I wish I had had one sooner only because the emotional stress of being pregnant over 40 was hard for me (but everything was fine, I didn't need any invasive testing and the baby couldn't be more wonderful). The advantages to waiting (I waited until I was with the right person, and for me that took years!) were that we were far more comfortable financially than 10 years earlier, I had had a successful career for 14 years, and even though I felt emotionally ready to have kids at age 19 I think i was far more ready now on a maturity level. And I'd had decades of a marvelous social life.

 

I do not have to give up working out which I've been doing for over 25 years. I power walk with the baby 5 times a week or find ways to work out at home while the baby naps. I lost the baby weight in 5 months and am below my pre-pregnancy weight (which was low to begin with). So, I wouldn't be concerned about that....

[sophie274]

Well, I can't give any advice about which choice to make, but I do think you should do a lot of thinking about this, on your own and with your fiance, before you get married.

 

If you are both ambivalent about children, I would be worried that one of you will end up wanting them, and the other not. That is a VERY difficult situation to be in. Of course there is never any guarantee that one partner won't change his/her mind, even if both want or don't want children, but I think it really increases your odds if you at least start off with a good idea of what you want in the future.

 

There have been a few threads on here from people in a marriage where ambivalence about children ("we'll see in a few years") has led to one partner wanting them and the other not ... and it usually spells the end of the marriage. Very hard to compromise on children.

[Batya33]

Excellent points. And in my experience with mommyhood so far it would be so difficult to go through this and get joy out of it if my husband weren't 110% into it, overjoyed, supportive, etc. I'd feel lonely if he was ambivalent or only mildly interested in our child. Can't even imagine it.

[bear12]

well, that's all fair. my fiance and i have actually talked about this issue A LOT in the past year of our engagement. the thing is, all we both really know is that we both don't want kids right NOW, but neither of us can say for sure what we will want in five years. I suppose that if in five years one of us really wants kids and the other doesn't that could lead to problems, but i'm not sure what else there is to do in this situation. we have good communication in our relationship and, i think, the most important thing is just to keep that going in all aspects of our marriage. i think we will just have to cross the kids bridge when one of us gets there. i don't think we will have kids unless we are both 110% on board, and i really do think either of us would be able to get there if it's something the other person really wanted. then again, maybe i'm just being naive...

[petite]

As long as you both understand each other and know what the other one wants. If you both don't want kid now that is great for you, if later one he does, or you do, come to a compromise, unless the other party is completely dead set against kids. Again, communication is the key to a healthy relationship.

 

Good luck.

[Batya33]

Then I guess both of you have to accept that you might want different things in five years and that you will have to accept the differences.

 

Traditionally, women who aren't sure become more sure that they want kids as the clock starts ticking a bit (not always of course) --more than men, from what I've seen.

[Dating Coach]

With a child you are bringing a person into this world. If you don't devote time to learning about parenting then one shouldn't have children IMO. Too many people become parents without learning about parenting. I see this every time I take my daughter out to public places around kids her age. I read up on parenting stuff like mad and I notice so many things parents do wrong. Not that I am perfect, I have my own areas in need of improvement, but I am talking about super basic stuff that people just completely screw up. I now understand why so many people are messed up in this world...

 

If you are to become a parent it should be taken as the most serious thing you've ever done. That's how I view it. Nothing I will do in my life will be more important than being a parent, and I fully intend to be a very good one.

[newwave]

Traditionally, women who aren't sure become more sure that they want kids as the clock starts ticking a bit (not always of course) --more than men, from what I've seen.

 

This is what sort of happened to me. I was so sure I never wanted kids. I even went to ask about getting my tubes tied. The doctor said she wasn't going to do it until I thought hard about it because my reasons could change (financial, didn't want responsibility). In hindsight I'm glad I didn't go through this because now I think I may want kids. Certainly not now or in the near future, but in a couple of years. There's too many issues where this isn't a possibility now (financial, the guy I like may or may not want to get serious). However, I don't think I could have kids unless I really loved the father and both of us wanted them (and we were married). It's not fair to bring children into the world when one person doesn't want them. If in a few years I desperately want kids, then I'll adopt.

 

A guy friend said something to me once that makes sense. Many women just want kids and often don't care who they have them with. Men on the other hand only consider kids with the woman they love. Meaning that many guys are open to kids, but only when the time and woman are right. I've noticed this. I've seen guys ask girlfriends to have abortions but were thrilled when wives got pregnant, etc. Part of it is probably because men really don't have a biological clock. They can have babies later in life. Women of course can't and generally once she hit her mid 40's her reproducing days are coming to an end (some of course hit it earlier).

[Batya33]

 

A guy friend said something to me once that makes sense. Many women just want kids and often don't care who they have them with. Men on the other hand only consider kids with the woman they love. Meaning that many guys are open to kids, but only when the time and woman are right. I've noticed this. I've seen guys ask girlfriends to have abortions but were thrilled when wives got pregnant, etc. Part of it is probably because men really don't have a biological clock. They can have babies later in life. Women of course can't and generally once she hit her mid 40's her reproducing days are coming to an end (some of course hit it earlier).

 

 

I know many guys who wanted to be fathers from early on and focused their attention in dating and relationships on women who felt the same. Men can biologically reproduce far longer than women but the chances of certain disorders- like autism - increase when the man is over 40 (and I believe fertility issues too).

 

I also know many women who feel as you do - (myself included) - that it's essential to have children only within a happy, stable marriage. I was prepared to have problems conceiving since I didn't start trying until I was almost 41. It took me about 6 months, the "natural" way. I know that that is somewhat against the odds so I don't recommend to others to wait as long as I did!

 

I'm glad you didn't get your tubes tied given how you feel now!

[newwave]

I'm glad I didn't get my tube tied. I was dead set on it and two things changed my mind. When I spoke to my gyne she didn't recommend it for me because of my situation. She could have, but said my reasons could change. Plus at that time I didn't have any relationship prospects, so that may have played a part. Then when I spoke to a coworker he told me he regretted not having kids. He was dead set on not marrying and having babies in his younger years (no idea if he had a vasectomy) and at 55 he said it was a bad choice. He told me not to be a workaholic like him.

 

Personally, I've set 45 as the absolute oldest I'll have kids. I'm hoping to have a child by 42 (I am 39 now) because of issues. I am healthy and my doctor said I likely wouldn't have many more problems than younger women but don't want to take that chance. I'd be perfectly happy adopting a child too that needed a home.

[Dating Coach]

the chances of certain disorders- like autism - increase when the man is over 40 (and I believe fertility issues too).

 

I almost brought this up earlier. It's a point that needs consideration.

[tamara01]

As for me, I want to enjoy my married life, just me and my partner for a couple of years. Then we can talk about having kids.

[Dating Coach]

Too many people become parents without learning about parenting. I see this every time I take my daughter out to public places around kids her age. I read up on parenting stuff like mad and I notice so many things parents do wrong. Not that I am perfect, I have my own areas in need of improvement, but I am talking about super basic stuff that people just completely screw up. I now understand why so many people are messed up in this world...

 

Case in point; I took my daughter to my parents house when they were out of town because near their house are a few people I know who have children around the same age as my daughter (20 months). My cousin came out with her daughter (30 months) and my brothers friend brought over his son (19 months).

 

My cousin was doing a good job at watching her daughter and ensuring she obeyed with time outs and such, but my brothers friend was a different story. It's not that he doesn't care, it's just that he has no clue at things he was doing was wrong. For instance I had a small bowl out on a chair next to where I was BBQing. In the bowl were some snacks for the kids to munch on while I was BBQing chicken for dinner. My brothers friend's son walked up and pulled the bowl away from my daughter. No big deal, little tots do this. You just go down to there level and put the bowl back and explain to them the need to share. If they don't listen and become defiant you offer them a warning that if they don't share then they will have to go to Time Out. If they refuse again you put them in Time Out after explaining to them once more why they are in Time Out. You can also try to redirect their attention to something less "naughty".

 

That is not how my brothers friend responded to his tot stealing the food. Instead he reached out and smacked him on the head while raising his voice to him. He didnt' slap with any force, it was more of a sudden tap than a slap, but still hitting your child doesn't teach them anything. The only thing that it teaches them is to be more discreet when disobeying (especially when older) and it teaches them to fear you.

 

At least though he was watching his child's behavior. Twice I have taken my daughter to the kids play area in the mall and kids as old as 3 have shoved her on the ground, pulled her hair, etc and the offending childs parents where NO WHERE to be seen. If they were one of the parents present I had no idea who they were because they said nothing to their child picking on a kid a little less than half their age. I see this all of the time at the mall areas. Parents need a break so they take their kids to the play area and then sit down and read a book or the newspaper while their child is left to pursue their own whims. Usually it will involve a young child bullying around other kids. I don't blame the children either, kids will be kids, I blame the uninvolved parents. My eyes NEVER leave my daughter when she is playing.

 

As you can see I am very particular about this kind of stuff. Parenting is the most important thing one can do and it amazes me that so many people are detatched from it.