My mother is cheating on my dad and he doesn't know - what shoud I do?

[peacefrog]

Hi,

 

I had been suspicious about my mother's behaviour for a long time. Basically, every time I entered the living room she would make desperate attempts to hide whatever she was typing on her laptop. I kept pretending not to notice this, but one time caught a glimpse of what she was doing — she was on her gmail account talking to a guy. I eventually figured out that this guy was a blog author that she admired very much. They share lots of common interests, blah blah.

 

I kept trying to ignore this behaviour for several weeks. But yesterday I couldn't take it anymore. I went into my mother's computer and keylogged her (that is, installed a program that records what she writes). I know I shouldn't have done this, but . I was desperate and couldn't take it anymore. I seriously tried hard to resist this.

 

Today I checked the logs and sure enough I confirmed my suspicions. You don't need to know the details, but she's clearly having an affair with this guy. And please don't try to convince me that maybe I misinterpreted the logs — I'm 100% sure of this.

 

My dad suspects nothing. He's flooded with work and gets home exhausted.

 

Of course, when I found out I was in shock and almost fainted, even though I already knew this deep down inside. I'm calm now but I think this is because I'm away from my parents most of the day (I'm on holidays). We are going to travel soon and, of course, I won't be able to avoid them in that period. I fear that having too much contact with my parents will make me loose it.

 

So here's the thing... I have no idea of what I should do.

 

-Should I confront mother? I'm pretty sure that this would ruin my relationship with her and (I have a feeling, however, that this inevitable no matter what course of action I take) make her depressed. She's a very... sensitive person. Besides, my father would probably end up knowing even if I only talked to my mother.

 

-Should I confront my father? I have no idea how my father would react. I think I can be fairly certain that he would ask for a divorce. I fear this would affect both of my parents very much, that it would end up destroying their lives and mine too.

 

-Should I keep to myself? Right now, this is what I'm thinking of doing. Trouble is that I don't know if I can keep quiet forever.

 

Thanks for reading. As I said, please don't try to make me believe that I'm wrong. I have evidence that proves what I'm saying. I just need help figuring out what to do. Right know, I'm keeping my cool and trying to be as rational as possible, but I don't know if I can hide this from my parents much longer.

[XxJustMexX]

I would talk to your mother first and have her be the one to come up front with it. If she refuses, then I would go tell your father. I'm very anti-cheating and I don't care what anyone says (whether it's my business or not) but if I know someone's cheating, you best believe the other person will know, whether by me, or I'm making the cheater tell them.

 

One of the reasons I have strong feelings about this is because I was cheated on by my ex and my best friend knew for a year and didn't tell me. I forgave her as she was in a difficult position... she was my ex's sister. She had to choose between me or him and of course, I understood she chose him. What upset me most was I'm not sure if she didn't want to betray he brother or if she just didn't want to "get caught up in the drama"... That to me wasn't really a good enough excuse to help hide it from me. She would have saved me a year and a half of heartache and embarassment if she would have told me. I wasted an extra year and a half of my life because a person knew, but didn't tell me.

 

Anyway, I'm sure there'll be plenty disagreeing but ya... I would definitely make mom fess up to it, or I will. If you risk "ruining your relationship" with your mom, then I'm sorry, doesn't seem like there was a good enough relationship there to begin with.

[Speranza]

tbh it sounds as tho the relationship is already ruined if you as her child feel you have the right to keylog her. What was your purpose in doing this? I wonder if you took the time to think through what you would do if you discovered something like this?

 

I'm not going to say you're wrong about the affair, but I wonder if you mean an online affair or an IRL one?

 

Everyone who answers will have a different take on this, but personally I don't think you should say anything. Apart from anything else, your actions thus far have ruled out any 'moral high ground' as you have basically snooped around when, if you needed to know the truth THAT desperately, you could have just asked her.

 

As it is, you have put yourself so far into the wrong that I imagine even your father would be really angry with you.

 

He may even know about all this, in any case.

 

Just as a rule of thumb, it is usually best not to interfere in matters between couples (even, and perhaps especially) your parents - for the very simple reason that you don't know how they will react. He may even take your mum's side against your treatment of her, and then you will end up without a relationship with either of them.

 

I'm sorry you are so shocked by what you found. Would you mind honestly answering a question?

 

Do you think deep down you want your father to prefer YOU to your mother?

 

You need to think REALLY hard about what the knowledge of all this - not only the affair, but also of your inappropriate behaviour - would do to your father, let alone your mother.

 

Sometimes we overstep boundaries in life and become privy to things we weren't meant to know and, unfortunately, sometimes this carries its own punishment with it.

 

I think if you truly love either of them, you are going to have to learn to live with this uncomfortable knowledge. It's either that, or expose yourself as a snooping daughter with no boundaries in place.

[Hope75]

I would approach your mother about it and ask her to explain. I'd give her a chance to end it and come clean, and if she refuses, I would probably tell your father what you've found and let him handle it.

[InaDaze87]

WoW Speranza!!!! Sounds like you were the mother in this situation before....I think she should talk to her mom about it sooner or later cause parents always think that their transgressions wont affect their children when it in fact will in more ways than one. Give your mom the chance to come clean and if she doesnt then its your call. But i personally could not live with the fact of knowing one of my parents we having an affair on the side. I kinda feel sorry for you but it happens. Good luck!!

[unknownme]

Many Yrs ago I was in your shoes, I caught My father with another woman (on the spot) I was about to kill her, chased her until I lost her in the FWY...my father called to appologize, but nothing would have been enough at that point. Well I got Home Pissed and my mother was there, she knew something was wrong...I tried to hold it in but I couldnt!! at that point I told her I needed to get out for fresh air and she would not allow me to leave until I explained my reasons, Well I told her exactly what I saw and she was fumming!!!! My father Got it that Night and I didnt speak to him for an Entire Year!!!! Good Luck It's Tough!! I would tell you father, he needs to know, and its up to him if he wants to persue the marrige they have or walk away fromt hat unhealthy relationship....I'm sure your mother has her reasons, maybe your father worked a lot but, let them discuss all the details....Take Care

[tf987]

tbh it sounds as tho the relationship is already ruined if you as her child feel you have the right to keylog her. What was your purpose in doing this? I wonder if you took the time to think through what you would do if you discovered something like this?...

 

I could not disagree with this more. Peacefrog stated that her mom was acting very strange. I think any child has a right to expect moral behavior from their parents, and would be very curious if something seemed peculiar.

 

PeaceFrog... do you have anybody in the real world you can talk to? Maybe a school counselor? Your situation is serious, and I'd highly suggest you seek professional guidance before listening to posters on an internet message board.

[peacefrog]

Thank you both for replying so quickly.

 

tbh it sounds as tho the relationship is already ruined if you as her child feel you have the right to keylog her. What was your purpose in doing this? I wonder if you took the time to think through what you would do if you discovered something like this?

I never said I felt the right to keylog her. As I said, I just couldn't take it anymore. I tried (I REALLY did) to ignore this but in the end I couldn't. I know I should not have done it... But (PLEASE don't take this personally) it's easy to say that I shouldn't have done anything when you're not in my position...

 

But what I did really does not matter now. What's done is done... I found out. Now I just need to know what I'm going to do.

 

I'm not going to say you're wrong about the affair, but I wonder if you mean an online affair or an IRL one?

Online. I believe they were thinking of meeting.

 

Everyone who answers will have a different take on this, but personally I don't think you should say anything. Apart from anything else, your actions thus far have ruled out any 'moral high ground' as you have basically snooped around when, if you needed to know the truth THAT desperately, you could have just asked her.

I'm don't claim that I have any "moral high ground". As I stated above, "what I did really does not matter now. What's done is done... I found out. Now I just need to know what I'm going to do."

 

As it is, you have put yourself so far into the wrong that I imagine even your father would be really angry with you.

 

He may even know about all this, in any case.

 

Just as a rule of thumb, it is usually best not to interfere in matters between couples (even, and perhaps especially) your parents - for the very simple reason that you don't know how they will react. He may even take your mum's side against your treatment of her, and then you will end up without a relationship with either of them.

Or, he could be angry at me because I didn't tell him. Also, I don't think he would care if what I did was wrong. I mean, could you defend a cheating husband (or wife) in this situation?

 

I'm sorry you are so shocked by what you found. Would you mind honestly answering a question?

Sure.

 

Do you think deep down you want your father to prefer YOU to your mother?

 

You need to think REALLY hard about what the knowledge of all this - not only the affair, but also of your inappropriate behaviour - would do to your father, let alone your mother.

Trying to dig up some Oedipus complex, eh? I'm a guy.

 

And it's not that. I would've probably done the same thing if my father was involved.

 

Sometimes we overstep boundaries in life and become privy to things we weren't meant to know and, unfortunately, sometimes this carries its own punishment with it.

 

I think if you truly love either of them, you are going to have to learn to live with this uncomfortable knowledge. It's either that, or expose yourself as a snooping daughter with no boundaries in place.

Probably what I'm going to do.

 

Once again, thank for your words of wisdom. I'm really happy that after all I'm not alone

[Speranza]

It would help to know how old you are, Peacefrog. I still really strongly feel that you have unfortunately put yourself in the wrong. It is totally unacceptable to snoop, whoever you are in the family.

 

(And no, I haven't had this happen to me, I wouldn't have dreamt of being unfaithful! lol)

 

I do agree though that you need support from somewhere. As for confronting your parents, I suppose to clarify what I am saying, if you do that, you may lose your relationship with both of them. As long as you are prepared for that, fine...

 

Is there anybody in the extended family you could talk to?

 

Please everyone, just bear in mind that this may be an unexploded bomb, and being the person to detonate it can have devastating effects.

[Speranza]

LOL you came accross to me as a daughter, I dunno why! (Not that being a guy would stop you wanting your father to prefer you, of course!)

 

So - how old ARE you, Peacefrog? I accept that what's done is done, but it does disturb me a little that that seemed to be the easiest option. What I'm picking up from that is that communication isn't a strong point at the moment in your family, so it makes the 'bomb' even more dangerous.

[peacefrog]

Thank you very much for your replies.

 

I could not disagree with this more. Peacefrog stated that her mom was acting very strange. I think any child has a right to expect moral behavior from their parents, and would be very curious if something seemed peculiar.

 

PeaceFrog... do you have anybody in the real world you can talk to? Maybe a school counselor? Your situation is serious, and I'd highly suggest you seek professional guidance before listening to posters on an internet message board.

Thank you too.

 

I talked to a good friend as soon as I knew about it... (I really needed to talk or I would explode) He listened to me and supported me but was almost in as much shock as me and couldn't really give any advice.

 

I'm also extremely close to my coach and I'm sure he'd listen to me, but I don't want to put him in an uncomfortable situation...

 

I believe there is a counselor at my school, but as I said I'm going abroad with my parents soon and we're on holiday so I can't really speak to him now...

[peacefrog]

It would help to know how old you are, Peacefrog. I still really strongly feel that you have unfortunately put yourself in the wrong. It is totally unacceptable to snoop, whoever you are in the family.

 

(And no, I haven't had this happen to me, I wouldn't have dreamt of being unfaithful! lol)

 

I do agree though that you need support from somewhere. As for confronting your parents, I suppose to clarify what I am saying, if you do that, you may lose your relationship with both of them. As long as you are prepared for that, fine...

 

Is there anybody in the extended family you could talk to?

 

Please everyone, just bear in mind that this may be an unexploded bomb, and being the person to detonate it can have devastating effects.

Thank you for your concerns. I'm 15, turning 16 soon. I'm not a native speaker btw (I'm from Portugal), so please excuse my english.

[Seraphim]

I have one word of warning....people often shoot the messenger........my mother told her brother that his wife was messing around on him some years ago. He did not talk to my mother for THREE years but he still talked to his wife. Make sure you know what you are in for. Do you also want to carry the enormous guilt that will result if your family explodes? It is not rightfully yours to carry but you will feel it non the less. Kids often think too they know every dynamic between parents but they don't. I am not excusing cheating here but think about what this is going to mean to your and your family, and YOU in particular than if your dad finds out himself.

[Speranza]

OK now I understand better! A 15 year old boy with hot Latin blood, of course you want to intervene. Unfortunately I speak Italian, not Portuguese, so I hope I'm clear!

 

You have done the right thing in getting someone to talk to.

 

Obviously what you have seen has convinced you that your mother is planning to take this into real life.

 

Firstly, this MAY (MAY) be just fantasy on her part. The guy may be married, or miles away, or goodness knows what else.

 

However if you are sure they have plans, then if you feel you have no option, I would talk to HER not to your Dad (maybe you can persuade her not to meet this guy, and then your Dad need not know, because though you are right that this is infidelity, it is not the same as meeting in real life - that's yet another boundary which can be crossed).

 

If your actions are going to cause problems with your mother in any case, then at least try to be conciliatory to begin with - I mean, instead of confronting her angrily, for example, talk to her sadly.

 

It's even possible that you can get her to talk without admitting what you did (I wouldn't normally advocate not being honest but this might spare YOU some trouble).

 

Say - "Mum, I've noticed... X,Y,Z - the things you noticed which made you suspicious.

 

Give her time to react - if she says nothing, then say, "I feel strange about this, Mum - what's going on?"

 

If she still won't talk, then you have the choice to drop it or to admit what you did.

 

You don't know if your parents' marriage is good or not.

 

You don't know if your Dad has cheated in the past and they have hidden it from you.

 

You don't know if this has happened before.

 

So my advice would STILL be to say nothing, BUT - if you really feel you have to, think about something like above.

[Taikero]

Speranza, how many cheaters do you know that would come out and admit it?

 

How many of those would admit it to their children?

 

A keylogger is absolute proof. There is no doubt, no lies. It just captures keystrokes. There is a beautiful simplicity in that which can't be ignored in situations like this.

 

If I suspected one of my parents of cheating on the other, I'd snoop. Neither of them deserves that from the other and I wouldn't let them perpetuate that scenario on the other. It's completely reprehensible.

[Seraphim]

Speranza, how many cheaters do you know that would come out and admit it?

 

How many of those would admit it to their children?

 

A keylogger is absolute proof. There is no doubt, no lies. It just captures keystrokes. There is a beautiful simplicity in that which can't be ignored in situations like this.

 

If I suspected one of my parents of cheating on the other, I'd snoop. Neither of them deserves that from the other and I wouldn't let them perpetuate that scenario on the other. It's completely reprehensible.

 

However it is NOT a child's place to set up parents against one another. They do not know all they think they do. The other side of that, you may think you wont carry guilt when your family implodes and explodes but you most surely will. You think you are doing everyone a great service........but are you really? Are you causing yourself more grief and damage? You are also risking losing a healthy relationship with BOTH parents.

[Speranza]

Okay. Let's wait and see what happens here.

 

My problem is, although I can imagine the anguish, I simply can't imagine putting a computer program in to spy on my parents.

 

I think it's going to be really hard to broach the subject, and I imagine once she knows that, any discussion about anything else will be done...

 

In fact, seriously, I would make sure I had a place to go and stay before tackling this, because if things get really bad then either he might get thrown out, or he may want to not be around his parents.

[peacefrog]

OK now I understand better! A 15 year old boy with hot Latin blood, of course you want to intervene. Unfortunately I speak Italian, not Portuguese, so I hope I'm clear!

Why are you so quick to make these assumptions?

 

It sounds like you think that I believe that what I'm doing is heroic or that I'm driven by some pseudo-moral principle... I'm not. Really. I snooped around because this was driving me crazy and because I NEEDED to know what was going on.

 

Was it wrong? Yeah.

Could I have done things differently? Sure.

 

Does that change anything? Does that mean my mother is not betraying my father anymore? No!

[Seraphim]

Why are you so quick to make these assumptions?

 

It sounds like you think that I believe that what I'm doing is heroic or that I'm driven by some pseudo-moral principle... I'm not. Really. I snooped around because this was driving me crazy and because I NEEDED to know what was going on.

 

Was it wrong? Yeah.

Could I have done things differently? Sure.

 

Does that change anything? Does that mean my mother is not betraying my father anymore? No!

 

What we are saying is you are messing in things that are not your responsibility....it is between your parents and the more you mess in it the worse you are going to feel. We realise she is doing something not right, but kids should not be running around being the moral judge for their parents and deciding what the other parent NEEDS to know in that regard, at least not IMO.

[Taikero]

However it is NOT a child's place to set up parents against one another. They do not know all they think they do.

 

Where's the setup? One spouse is fooling around on the other. That's all I need to know.

 

The other side of that, you may think you wont carry guilt when your family implodes and explodes but you most surely will. You think you are doing everyone a great service........but are you really?

 

In my parents' case, if either was doing this sort of thing, yes I would be. Both have been screwed over in the past and I would not let that continue for greater hurt down the road.

 

I would carry guilt only if I said nothing.

 

Are you causing yourself more grief and damage? You are also risking losing a healthy relationship with BOTH parents.

 

I'd take that chance to see the right thing done and allow the chips to fall where they may. I don't tolerate betrayal like that. It makes my blood boil.

 

To be fair I'd personally confront the cheater first and give them the chance to spill the beans.

[Speranza]

Okay Peacefrog, you needed to know. I repeat my earlier question; did you stop to think about what it would do to you once you knew more?

 

(My remarks are just that your reaction is quite hot-blooded, I didn't mean to offend you!)

 

Has snooping helped you to feel better? Or shown you what to do? Or in fact changed very much at all, except that now you feel sure of what you only strongly suspected before?

 

You are obviously an intelligent person, and I notice that at least twice you have used the language of psychology - so tell me, how will your various options change the family dynamics?

 

At fifteen it is normal to want things to be okay. In this case, it looks as though they may not be, I wonder if you've considered getting YOUR needs met instead of focusing on your parents here?

 

You see, marriages are complex, as I'm sure you know. Unfortunately, there could be any number of reasons for your mother's behaviour, and some of those reasons may mean you finding out more unpleasant things about either or both your parents.

 

Before you throw this bomb, are you prepared for that? You said you felt shocked and ill before - what if you found out, for example, that your mother was doing this to get back at your father for something he had done? Or that this guy os the latest in a list of twenty lovers?

 

Do you see what I mean?

 

Early in this thread, someone advised you to find someone to talk to - personally I think that's your prime need here - because yes, your approach IS bordering on the heroic at the moment, and frankly I don't think that's particularly healthy or helpful to anybody - but most importantly, to YOU.

 

I know you are pretty much a grown man, but it is going to hit you hard that you can't make things right between people, however much you want to. And if you love your mother, why do you want to make things even worse? If you love your father, why do you want to shatter his world?

 

Whatever, I wish you well with this, it's a dreadful situation for you.

[peacefrog]

What we are saying is you are messing in things that are not your responsibility....it is between your parents and the more you mess in it the worse you are going to feel. We realise she is doing something not right, but kids should not be running around being the moral judge for their parents and deciding what the other parent NEEDS to know in that regard, at least not IMO.

It's true that I don't know the circumstances that surround the affair and that it's not my responsability to take care of this.

 

But how does that change anything I know? How am I gonna live with this now? How am I going to able to look my mom (or my dad for that matter) in the eye?

[Lucius]

I would absolutely talk to my mother about it, if I were you. And yes, if she did not come clean to my father, I'd talk to him myself.

 

This notion that you're somehow a naughty boy for doing what you did, and that you'll feel oh so terrible and guilty - and maybe even lose the love of your parents should you talk about what you found ... sickens me. This is NOT your fault. You are NOT the one cheating here. Initiating open dialogue does not = "setting your parents against each other." If that happens, if was your mother who did the "setting". I think that's an outrageous thing to lay at the feet of a child seeking honesty.

[Seraphim]

Where's the setup? One spouse is fooling around on the other. That's all I need to know.

 

 

 

In my parents' case, if either was doing this sort of thing, yes I would be. Both have been screwed over in the past and I would not let that continue for greater hurt down the road.

 

I would carry guilt only if I said nothing.

 

 

 

I'd take that chance to see the right thing done and allow the chips to fall where they may. I don't tolerate betrayal like that. It makes my blood boil.

 

 

So at 15 you could handle all the emotional fall out? You could find yourself a place to live ? I highly doubt it..

Really it is a matter of opinion. It is my opinion kids do not belong in their parents private business and why? They do not know all the details, they are not responsible for the fall out when they get involved in the faray, and they can not handle the emotional responsibility.

[HeartGoesOn]

Peacefrog

 

I honestly don't have an answer to your question, and have no idea what I'd do if I were in your shoes. But, I do believe that this is hurting you, knowing that a parent whom you're supposed to trust is involved with someone else.

 

Take care...and I hope you find an answer.