Jump to content

Abusive Live-In GF... I Want Out! Help?


looptheloop

Recommended Posts

I've been with my GF for 4 years now, and I think I'm finally ready to leave her. She's put me through incessant emotional, verbal and sometimes physical abuse. She finds drama in every situation. She sees hidden meanings in everything I say, in every "look" I give her. She's demeaned and humiliated me at every bend, turned her back on me whenever I've needed her most. She can be unfathomably irrational although she's managed to flip it around and make me feel like the crazy one countless of times! For example, she'll deny things she's done or said until I'm blue in the face and then she'll smile about it, insinuate that I imagined it all.

 

She demeans and humiliates me over stupid things. A couple weeks back we were at the DMV and I brought the wrong paperwork. I was sick as a dog, mind you. We had been in line for a little less than an hour. When that DMV worker sent us away, I was just bracing myself. I knew she'd explode and she did--all the way home she called me stupid, used the "f" word at every turn, said I was worthless. As she did this, she started speeding.

 

I had a bad case of the stomach flu at the time. I asked her to pull over because I felt nauseous, she said to use a bag. Well, there was no bag and she knew it. So I puked all over my car and she continued to yell and scream and curse and speed. This behavior lasts for hours, every time. It's always a standoff, hours and hours and hours of time over things like that, over mistakes. I feel like I've been walking on eggshells and tiptoeing accross mine fields for years now.

 

Worse still, she expects me to forgive and forget in a matter of minutes, no matter what has happened. I don't think I can shake or ignore the resentment that's built up in the pit of my stomach any longer. As a result, I haven't wanted to be intimate with her for years now, but of course, if I deny her the intimacy she wants, she withholds affection. She's a master at withholding affection, a master. One minute she wants hugs and kisses, the next she acts as if I am the most reprehensible human being on the planet.

 

On top of the abuse, she demands attention 24/7. She'll frequently stop what she's doing or what I'm doing to demand a hug or kiss which turns into 30 minutes, an hour, 2 hours. We can spend a month locked up in a room together and she'll say, "You NEVER spend time with me." When we watch a movie or something, she'll out of nowhere turn to me and complain, "You're not spending time with me. I don't feel loved." She throws 2-year-old tantrums. She's older than I am. I was a senior in high school, she was 22 when we met.

 

I had gotten that stomach flu from her. When she was sick, I waited on her even though I knew there would be no thanks, no gratitude--I always do. I'd make her something to eat and she'd take a bite and say, "I'm not eating that." So I offered to make Cup of Noodles, made Ramen instead because there were no Cup of Noodles. When I brought it back to her: "This isn't Cup of Noodles... but I'll eat it anyway." God.

 

I have all this rage and anger inside and I can't even tell her! Why? I can't talk to her about anything, she takes it the wrong way. She translates meaningful heart-to-hearts as attacks. And when she realizes I'm sad, she gets upset with me for not opening up. I've tried to be nothing but patient and understanding. Her friends LOVE me. Her parents LOVE me. They all say I'm a good influence on her, that I'm hands-down the best relationship she's ever had.

 

I've never said anything out of malice to her, never called her names, never done anything to intentionally hurt her. Sometimes she asks me why I'm so good to her. Sometimes she says things to me like, "I just want you to be happy," "you're better off without me," and I almost believe her, almost. I know that when it comes down to it, she'll be kicking and screaming.

 

She bad mouths my friends, acquaintances, what little family I have--even when they show her kindness. She hates when I talk about our relationship, hates it. When I visit my mother she accuses me of talking to her about our relationship. Same thing with the little friends I have left.

 

I've sacrificed so much of myself. Two weeks ago I realized I was in a deep, deep, DEEP depressive haze. I couldn't figure out why I had no energy, why taking a shower or doing the laundry was so taxing. Why I couldn't concentrate on schooling, on my lifelong goals and dreams. I had stopped working out, started using A LOT of drugs. I've always been a recreational drug user, but the last two years have been the absolute worst in terms of frequency. I realized I've been trying to ESCAPE this situation without really escaping it. I'd never used drugs as a means of escaping reality, never.

 

We recently had our 4 year anniversary. It was hell. Just like every other event that's supposed to be enjoyable. Birthdays, Christmas, milestones. There isn't a day that goes by without drama. I'm tired. I'm exhausted, wholeheartedly exhausted. I've really, really got nothing left to give. I thought I'd come to that point before, that point where I was operating on fumes, but hell was I wrong. I'm there now.

 

One of the things that has held me back from leaving her before was the prospect of being alone. The only family I communicate with on a semi-regular basis are my mom and dad, and those relationships are really strained because they're both drunks. My childhood was filled with abuse, and although the wounds are still there, I've overcome a lot of its obstacles. I have no siblings. No real close friends for years now.

 

I also lost my job last year and my GF has been supporting both of us financially since then. She uses my car. I cook, clean, tend to her, etc. I'm also an aspiring filmmaker, although between my GF and my GF, I have very little time to dedicate to this pursuit. I know I'm good at it. It was my passion--back when I had the energy to invest in a passion. I've won several awards for my short films. It makes me sad when I think of how I've neglected my passion, my self.

 

I think I've been fooling myself, telling myself I CAN balance success and career pursuits with this relationship. What a joke. I feel pathetic, really. I can't believe I JUST realized I've been depressed for so, so long.

 

Even though she's hurt me beyond comprehension, I'm worried she'll try to kill herself or destroy all of my personal belongings. Whenever I've reached a breaking point in the past, whenever I've appeared on the verge of calling it off, she starts crying and says she doesn't feel right in the head or she'll threaten suicide. I know it's just another way of manipulating me because as soon as I try to comfort her, all that distress she was in just magically evaporates. She knows I'm sensitive to a fault and she exploits it.

 

I need advice. How do I break up with her? I want things to be amicable, I want things to be handled maturely, but I know it won't. I know SOMETHING will happen, and I'm scared. She has no family in this city, no real close friends anymore (she was a huge party girl, but severed those ties). No savings, no car. She has nowhere to go. I'm okay with her staying with me until she can find a place, but I just don't think she'll respond positively to it. As soon as I try to leave, that switch of hers will go off and I won't be the person she's "in love" with, I'll be whatever person she pictures that enables her to treat me like crap.

 

It has become increasingly clear to me that this is the only way. I need to break this tie for the sake of my mental and emotional health, for the sake of my future. I just don't know how to do it...

 

Any words of wisdom would be appreciated, thanks for reading this monster of a post.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Tell her what you have told us. That she has emotionally abused you and you have become emotionally/physically/mentally exhausted.

 

You have tried to make it work. Put up with more than most. It is time to just be honest with her and yourself and move on. You are responsible for your actions not hers. I doubt she would kill herself she sounds far too selfish.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do you have a friend you could go stay with?

 

It doesn't sound to me like something that can be fixed, 4 years, 4 months, 4 days...the second you start to realize that you're in the type of situation you're in is when you've got to get out of there....rent a storage locker for your stuff and live in it if that's what you gotta do...anything to get away from this horrid woman.

 

Get out of there, call an abuse hotline and they'll be able to point you in the right direction....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Tell her what you have told us. That she has emotionally abused you and you have become emotionally/physically/mentally exhausted.

 

You have tried to make it work. Put up with more than most. It is time to just be honest with her and yourself and move on. You are responsible for your actions not hers. I doubt she would kill herself she sounds far too selfish.

 

Thanks for your reply. The girl is a living, breathing contradiction. She has a history of self-harm and the scars to prove it. She took a box cutter to her neck to scare me, drew blood. I had to take it from her, inadvertently slashing my hand open in the struggle. Five stitches.

 

I've even induced vomiting on her before. She swallowed three bottles of pills because she felt like "such a horrible person." This was, of course, after she smashed my TV in with a hockey stick during a four hour standoff all because I wasn't in the mood.

 

You're right, I can only hold myself accountable... But I'd feel horrible if it came down to that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She's not going to kill herself. You need to realize that right away. That's a classic technique used by abusers.

 

She might destroy some of your stuff though. Would you rather be away from this hell she puts you through without some of your stuff, or would you rather stay and put up with all her crap? Stuff can be replaced. UF there's anything you have that is really valuable and can't be replaced that you think she might destroy, start slowly moving that stuff out of her reach. Like maybe you could start taking it a little at a time to your Mom's house or something.

 

You should start detaching yourself from her slowly... Don't feed into the drama. When she throws a tantrum don't react. When she criticizes you just shrug it off. (I know this is easier said then done, believe me. I was in a relationship with a psycho like this too.) The goal here is that she'll start to get bored with you and then the break up will go a lot smoother.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Check out borderline personality disorder. My girl does things very similar to yours. Anyway, on those sites they have advice on how to leave these people as it can be tricky. At least you have come to your senses. I still want to be with my gf, I guess I thinik there is still hope for help, and apparently there are effective therapies. Also, get the book "stop walking on eggshells"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Like Blue said, explain it to her like you did here.

 

If she starts getting crazy or threatening, CALL THE POLICE.

 

I've never considered calling the police before, mostly because I can imagine what the cops are going to think when they pull up to the scene and the perp is this petite, angel-faced girl.

 

If worse comes to worst, I guess I'll have to.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Loop, you need to find a job so you can afford to support yourself. That, in itself, would be a good opportunity to transition 'out' and meet new people. Don't be afraid of being alone, by steppinng into the darkness you will find your light - always!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Check out borderline personality disorder. My girl does things very similar to yours. Anyway, on those sites they have advice on how to leave these people as it can be tricky. At least you have come to your senses. I still want to be with my gf, I guess I thinik there is still hope for help, and apparently there are effective therapies. Also, get the book "stop walking on eggshells"

 

I am flabbergasted! I just Googled BPD and I'm no psychologist, but WOW, the descriptions, the symptoms 100% coincide with her behavior. I can't get over the freakish accuracy!

 

For me, the damage has been done. I don't think there's any therapy or medication that will ever fix this relationship. I hope you fare better.

 

I know that there were times when I'd beat myself up over her behavior, ruminating on all the things I should have or could have done or said to sidestep the inevitable. No matter how much I tried to bend reality and make the irrational rational, it never worked. One of the hardest parts for me was to accept that it wasn't my fault, that no matter what I did or said, there would always be a trigger, a meltdown. I've realized that the problem is with her, not me.

 

It feels good to know that there are others in the same boat.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Locking up all my stuff is a great idea. I've already started emotionally distancing myself from her. When she throws tantrums or starts with the demeaning behavior, I leave. I go for a walk or hit the punching bag.

 

Thank you for your encouraging words. It isn't easy and knowing that others like yourself have broken free from what seems like an impossible situation gives me hope.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yep, it is illuminating to read and you do kind of feel better to know you are not alone. There are links on many of those sites detailing how to get away from the ones that hunt you down, stalk you and generally won't let you go. Good luck, loop, you are gonna be ok.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Tell her what you have told us. That she has emotionally abused you and you have become emotionally/physically/mentally exhausted.

 

You have tried to make it work. Put up with more than most. It is time to just be honest with her and yourself and move on. You are responsible for your actions not hers. I doubt she would kill herself she sounds far too selfish.

 

killing yourself is a selfish act. anyways, i would have left her a long time ago.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

anyways, i would have left her a long time ago.

 

easy for you to say.

 

 

Loop, you sound like a nice, reasonable person. Leave before she whittles you down to nothing. There's only so long you can be someone else's raft before you start to sink along with them.

 

Sounds like you're definitely going to need a good escape route. I agree with the others, put some stuff in storage, and CHANGE YOUR NUMBER when you leave.

 

And trust me, being alone is SO MUCH BETTER than being with someone who treats you like crap. You're going to feel good again, especially when you see your work on the big screen. Cheers.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...