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I know, I know . . . DON'T call, right?


SVenus113

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Hi everyone . . . back here looking for some more advice and support.

 

So my boyfriend of eight years and I broke up almost eight weeks ago. Basically, he started acting immature and I believe had/has a case of GIGS going on. I can elaborate but it isn't too important for these purposes.

 

Basically, the night we broke up I had caught him in a lie about going out. It was really stpid, he went to the bar but lied about it because he thought I would have been mad. I flipped out, he apologized profusely, and eventually said he just needed some space and "spread his wings" a bit. Of course he did not want to go NC, but I told him not to contact me.

 

Fast forward a month and he calls on my birthday. I am out with my friends, I answer it and can barely hear him b/c I am at a karaoke bar, and tell him I will call him some other time.

 

I waited a week to call him. I thanked him for the birthday wishes, we caught up a bit, and I wanted to wish him an early happy birthday because I was going to be busy on his birthday (which was two days later, on a Saturday). I thought the call went very well. He seemed very happy to hear from me, was acting remorseful, and asked me to get a cup of coffee that evening. I declined becuase I did not want to see too eager. When we hung up, he said he would call me soon so that we can get hang out.

 

Now I'd like to mention that I think it is a good sign that he asked me for coffee. It sounds ridiculous, but the man doesn't drink much coffee, doesn't hang out in cafes or anything . . . basically it seems like a mature, "date-ish" thing to ask me, rather than just, "hey, let's grab a beer," which is more his style.

 

Anyway, this all happened the 18th of March . . . and I am so bummed because I still haven't heard from him. I was thinking of waiting two weeks and then maybe contacting him after the weekend if I don't hear from him.

 

I know that having this coffee won't mean getting back together, but I'd really like a chance to talk to him, show him I am doing fine (which he probably sees b/c I didn't contact him at ALL post-break up, which I believe really threw him through a loop). I'd like to let him know some things that i haven't said yet. The last time we saw each other I was a wreck, and when we spoke on the phone he tried to bring up what happened and I said i didn't want to talk about it at that time.

 

Anyway . . . I guess I need some support b/c i'd like to call him and casually ask about the coffee, but I guess I just need to keep being patient, right?

 

I have to say i feel kind-of pathetic obsessing over this, but I can't help it. It went so well on the phone I really thought he would call sooner . . .

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I don't think its pathetic, this is obviously something you really care about- its good to see that you care.

 

I don't know if ringing him is a good idea, whose court do you think the ball is in? It sounds a bit confused... although from what I'm reading it sounds like the ball is in your court? He reached out to you and you turned him down.

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Wow, do you really think so? This has been really eye-opening. See, honestly, I kind-of had inklings of feelings of what you guys are saying, but my friends all say, DON'T CALL HIM, KEEP THE CONTROL, etc.

 

I mean, I turned him down because he asked me to go out with very little notice. See, everyone else said HE should call me. But honestly, I am happy I put this post up to see some other points of view.

 

I am not so sure I am choosing not to be with him, though. He said he needed some space . . . so i am giving it to him? However, I do really feel like it is necessary to "just talk to him about how you felt, and why it bothered you, and set some boundaries and guidelines for your relationship moving forward." Thank you so much!

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I would not call him. He said he would call you soon. That means the ball is in his court and if he has chosen not to call you then maybe thats because he doesn want too?

 

Im not being harsh, there are promising signs. I just know how much it sucks to get your hopes up and then they just wanna be 'friends'

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No, I agree. It's hard because I come up with all of these crazy situations about why he wouldn't want to. I really don't know what's going on in his head, nobody does.

 

But yes, that's why it is hard b/c it did seem so promising and I figured "soon" meant within a week, and now we are going on two . . .

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my friends all say, DON'T CALL HIM, KEEP THE CONTROL, etc.

 

I may sound harsh here and don't mean to but:

 

1) if a relationship is built on who controls the other, it tends to be abusive either emotionally, mentally, or physically OR all three; a GREAT relationship is NOT built on who controls the situation better or who controls the other person more, but on TRUST

 

Now, I understand what your friends are thinking. What I would rather see is this:

 

My friends think I should not call because it might hurt my self-esteem if the ex does not respond as I would hope. Then, it is not about control but about focusing on you and your reaction to what he does or does not do.

 

2) he asked you out, you declined. I understand that too. I've just recently asked my ex out for dinner and have not heard scratch back from him. He has also not done anything with his dating related to me (blocking me for instance).

 

Let's just say he declines my invitation which was not specific about one night, or any night, just a general, "dinner sometime?"

 

do you think that I will ask again? (the answer is no.)

 

It's not that I don't love this man dearly, or want to work things out, or am hoping to reconcile and see what happens in round 2 but I have feelings too. The break up devastated me too.

 

If he tried to play mind games, and play the control game, and the "blah blah blah" games with me, game over.

 

If you want to have coffee, beer, dinner with him, ask. Yes, it is scary. Yes, it opens up a can of worms to hurt again.

 

I know. I'm there right now.

 

good luck to you - just forget about the power in a relationship right now.

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Hmm, great advice. You see, I keep saying to myself, "God, I hate these games," when I'm not sure who's idea it is to even play them? I really don't think he's playing them. I never thought that perhaps since I declined last time it hurt him . . . .

 

I am a pleaser and an advice-seeker (obviously, I am on this board!). I always look for others' opinions instead of maybe doing what feels right. I DO want to ask him . . . I still think I'll wait a day or two and hope he calls. We'll see.

 

I really do appreciate everyone's sound input, though.

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You see, I keep saying to myself, "God, I hate these games," when I'm not sure who's idea it is to even play them?

It is one thing to seek advice of others, and entirely different to act upon it.

 

If you want to see him, he asks, and your friends say, "OH NO!!! Don't give him the power" so you don't go, it's a game.

 

Because what you really wanted to do, is see him.

 

NOW, I will say this:

 

there are games played on the other side.

 

But if you are true to yourself, and honest with yourself (good and bad), you will find that life is much less game playing and while it does open yourself up to some hurt, it alleviates the stringing along heart ache.

 

And like always, this is only my op. If a guy starts playing games with me, I call him on it; not in a rude way but a "this is how I'm feeling" sort of way. It's all about communication and right now, you've cut your ex off.

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Argh, why did you delete that justletgo? lol

 

And yes, Blue, you're right . . . . GOD, patience is a virtue, eh?

 

Sorry, I deleted because I misread your post. I missed the part where he said he wanted space. I thought the whole thing had just happened because you had gotten mad at him, so I misinterpreted the situation just a tad, I think. I think that perhaps there could have been (and maybe was) more conversation about what was going to happen, and what he meant by wanting space and "to spread his wings." Seems like all of the decisions were made during an emotionally charged situation, which is never a good environment to make logical, rational decisions.

 

I say it won't hurt you to reach out a little bit. If nothing else, you'll get a good read of his mood about things pretty quickly. Basically, if you call and don't get the reaction you want or were hoping for, you'll at least know not to do so again. Try not to over-think the situation. People are not puzzles, and oftentimes these sorts of situations cannot be rationalized. Sometimes you just have to go with what feels right.

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I agree totally with HopeLives.

 

Be proactive about it and find your answer.

 

Call him and tell him you'd like to take him up on that coffee he offered. If he turns you down or refuses to set a definite time, then you can get back to moving on.

 

He asked you on short notice because he hadn't heard from you in a while. Did you even offer an alternative? If not then give him a break.

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I'm going to have to cast a vote for don't call him. He told you he was unsure and needs 'space'. Calling him is not giving him space. If he's unsure about you being the one he wants, you should show him that you are/can be by quite simply giving him what he wants -space. I've found that alot of times, when it comes to situations like yours, there is very little if anything you can do to influence the other person's thinking at this point. It's on them! In the mean time, do your own soul searching. 8 years is a long time, you're both different people than when you started! You've changed and the world around you has changed. Its always hard to see clearly through the clutter of emotions in times of heartache, but the simplest solution is often times the best one. (Ockham's Razor) -- Give him what he asked for.

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Ugh, not really. I totally see what you are saying, flipside, but honestly, the last time we saw each other I was an irrational mess. I mean, yes, he did say he wants space to me that night but he also said he still wanted to see me. He of course wanted to have his cake and eat it, too, is how I see it (I think? Then again I don't know . . .?).

 

I don't know . . . I am leaning towards reaching out.

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I agree, he wanted his cake and to eat it too. He wanted you to wait there while he figured it out after he doubted your relationship and hurt you. Minou has the right idea. Reaching out has failed me in the past.

 

but honestly, the last time we saw each other I was an irrational mess.

 

Well, to be quite honest myself, what I've found is that it is nearly IMPOSSIBLE to reason matters of the heart with reason, rationale and logic.

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Ridiculous? no, not at all. I've been there-we've all been there. I completely understand how you feel (at least on the surface anyway). But it seems like you already know where his head is at. You may want more detail, but that's just you feeling close to him and longing for that; being used to that. Its different now. I know its hard, being human is hard. Hard work and mental (emotional) discipline usually pay off though

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