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Broken up and we live together. help!


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My boyfriend and I were together almost 2 years, have lived together for 5 months. He is insane busy/stressed due to demands of work/school. We have been fighting a lot for a long time. I have broken up with him many times out of frustration but we would always get right back together a few hours later. I know we both really love each other but we could not heal from the past conflicts and agreeing to try harder each time never seemed to stick because so much hurt and resentment has built up. At end, I felt I was being taken for granted and did not feel cared for. This is someone I have talked marriage with and the first person I have lived with at his prodding.

 

For the first time though he broke up with me two weeks ago and has been emotionally distant since then which I have never seen before. At first I tried to be extra nice and supportive but he pretty much told me to give him his space, leave him alone, etc. and that he is at capacity for stress/conflict and can't deal w/it anymore.

 

HOWEVER, when I have kept my distance... for example spending entire weekend away from our house.. he text me both days asking where I was and if I was coming home. Then when I got back he was extra attentive, hugging me and saying he had missed me but was glad he could get stuff done, wanting to have dinner together, etc.

 

on the one hand, he gets angry when I am sad about breaking up but also angry when I say I am trying to close the door on any possibility so that I can function and not get my hopes up. He has asked why I can't just be neutral and press pause~!?? He has also expressed that he is worried that I will give him his space and forget about him, move on but knows full well that he is the one w/more power right now and that he could do the same.

 

The problem is this. I am in so much pain. I still love him dearly. I know our relationship could not have continued the way it was going but I think I hoped that a break up might make him realize he does not want to lose me and give us time to heal and maybe start fressh. Instead it seems to have the opposite effect.

 

I still feel like I'm being taken for granted. When he's here he's trying to talk to me, have dinner w/me, wants me to sleep back in our bed but as he's explained, wants EMOTIONAL distance not physical distance. No i'm not sleeping with him. Anyway, I know he is insane busy, that is no joke and stressed out of his mind but What do i do?? how do I act? It is so hard... obviously if I was not living w/him I would do no contact but that's not possible. Do I ignore him? Am I cordial to him or friendly? WHAT?

 

We are stuck in our lease for another 2.5 months and if I move out, I will have a really long commute from my parents. Right now I work minutes from home. But being around him hurts... especially when he's being nice, I feel like maybe he is leaning towards getting back together but I can't risk that not being the case. He might just be being nice like I'm a pal. He has said he needs at least WEEKS of distance.

 

I KNOW the dance of intimacy and I know up to this point, I have been acting as pursuer and need to back off or I will drive him away for good but how do I do that under these horrible circumstances?? I am a person who wears their emotions on their sleeve and it's so hard to act like I am not sad or having a hard time!

 

Advice??

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It sounds like he doesnt want you, but he doesnt want anyone else to have you. It sounds like your relationship wasnt very healthy and maybe its the best thing for you both. He cant expect you to press 'pause' your a human being with feelings, you can not pause those feelings. I would consider it over and move out. otherwise he gets to have you, but doesnt have to commit to you.

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