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can a relationship survive after infidelity?


girl011

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if you were in a relationship for about 2 years, and it was something small, like a drunk kiss, and they told you and were so apologetic and sent flowers and constant sorrys and i love yous and you eventually forgave them -

would you be able to trust them again?

and would they ever be able to get over the feeling that they aren't deserving of you if you forgave them?

 

i want so badly to believe that if the reasons for the kiss and bad behavior were not with poor intentions, and the two people in question have a beautiful and loving relationship, and that the person would never ever in a thousand years act again in the way that led to a kiss, that the relationship will be better for it in the end and can grow, but i'm worried this isn't true.

 

anyone have any personal experience to offer?

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The person who was cheated on usually never recovers, even into their future relationships. They will at one point or another feel/believe that their partner is cheating on them, or that the possibility for it exists. So I don't think anyone fully recovers.

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I agree with fluid. The relationship can survive, but it will not be the same ever again. You call it "something small" but it really isn't or you wouldn't be posting on here or questioning the relationship. I am in a brand new relationship but I am still suffering from the horrible effects of the last one and trying not to punish this guy for what my ex did. I don't ever remember being this insecure in relationships prior to the one where I was betrayed.

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The choice to trust the "cheater" again is truly a personal one. Honestly, I could never trust someone again if they cheated on me. That said, my best friend and her husband have both cheated on each other, both were found out, and let me assure you it was much more than a drunken kiss in their case. They chose to stay together and work it out, and have worked very hard to rebuild their relationship and the trust they have in one another. It took time and lots of effort, but they just celebrated their 15 year anniversary, so they must be doing something right!

 

I really feel it depends on the parties involved. Like I said, I know myself well enough to know I could never trust someone that strayed outside our relationship, but I know of many couples that have put tons of effort and therapy time to work it out and put the past behind them and move ahead.

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The person who was cheated on usually never recovers, even into their future relationships. They will at one point or another feel/believe that their partner is cheating on them, or that the possibility for it exists. So I don't think anyone fully recovers.

 

To me, that sounds a bit defeatist. I think the adage "forgiven, not forgotten" describes the way that many people eventually are able to cope with infidelity.

 

For sure, there are people who end up having great relationships even if they have been cheated on by their current or their previous partner (which of course does not exclude the possibility that they feel a sting of jealousy from time to time).

 

I guess the odds of saving the relationship depends on how the relationship has been otherwise (are both partners willing to try to save the relationship, i.e. is the relationship worth saving at all) and the level of emotional maturity of both partners (are the partners capable of handling the crisis in a healthy fashion, f.x. by talking things out).

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Well I think it is as much on the cheaters end (dealing with unfinished business and learning new skills beyond just stopping cheating) as the one forgiving.

 

A lot of cheaters never seem to get over the guilt of it, or looking at that person like somehow they were the one to blame (negative associations even though the one cheated on did nothing wrong) - and that level of disrespect that was shown, they remember that you could take it (so why wouldn't you take it again?).

 

It's a little contradictory I think to forgive someone for cheating, take them back, work hard at that, and then expect them to look at you as someone who won't accept cheating. I mean, it's actions showing different than words.

 

just my quick two cents on it.

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Well I can tell you from my experience that more than likely the relationship is doomed. My ex cheated on me early in our relationship, it was more than just a kiss. I tried to forgive and forget, but I couldn't get past it, it was always on my mind and it didn't help that we were long distance and 90% of friends were guys. On top of that she had cheated on every bf she had before me so it was a recipe for disaster. Ultimately it caused the end, not saying your situation is like this just giving my experience

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I'm sorry that happened to you - if you were indeed the person cheated on. I did something like that way back in high school to my GF - she was away in Europe on vacation all summer - I wasn't sure she was being faithful to me - and I met a friend of a friend at a party and we shared some drunken kisses. In a sense for me it was just about my ego - I wanted to know if other women still desired me even though I'd been devoted to my GF for a year.

 

When she got home from her trip I confessed it to her, she forgave me, and our relationship lasted 4 years. Only ended at 21 because she wanted to get married and I didn't feel ready (I was working my way through college and didn't have a lot of money - she was from a very well to do family). The crappy part of this story though is that she ended up cheating on me as a way of ending our relationship (she really wanted to get married) - but it was with the guy she ended up marrying and they've been together ever since and have daughter so I don't hold it against her. We still keep in touch and she told me years later that what she did was wrong but she had a serious old-maid complex and took my reluctance to marry her as my way of holding out for somebody better. Anyway, perhaps her cheating on me was the universes way of getting me back for what I did to her 3 years prior.

 

I've never cheated on anybody else in my life, but I've had a few women cheat on their BFs with me - in my defense I didn't know they had BFs at the time. I dated a women a couple of years ago that admitted to having cheated on a previous BF a couple of times - and it was very hard for me to trust her in our relationship - my lack of trust probably was the main reason it ended.

 

To be honest, I think cheating happens a lot, a lot more than most people realize. Biologists have shown that one of the reasons sperm lives as long as it does is so that when a female primate has multiple partners over the course of a few days (and yes, humans are primates too) it is still the strongest of the entire sperm pool that wins the egg... sorry to be so graphic but I think there is a strong biological basis to human behavior - even though we have evolved brains and morals and a culture.

 

You might try couples counseling together, if you really would like to make the relationship work. I think it can help, and their willingness to participate might signal their seriousness about changing.

 

Also, how old are you guys? The human brain has something called a prefrontal cortex and it isn't fully developed in most people until they are 25ish. This is the part of the brain that lets people see consequences for their actions and it is one of the reasons so many guys under 25 are reckless (insurance companies know this and it is why guys

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It will never be the same obviously. It can become stronger. My relationship with my husband is that way right now. I cheated on him.

 

We are much more open, and communicate freely with each other. I'm sure he doesn't completely trust me yet, but overall, our relationship is very good.

 

We loved each other enough to work on our marriage. I am completely different now than I was then and have done a lot of soul-searching and changing for the better. He has seen this, and it definitely helps.

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The person who was cheated on usually never recovers, even into their future relationships. They will at one point or another feel/believe that their partner is cheating on them, or that the possibility for it exists. So I don't think anyone fully recovers.

 

As one who was cheated on, I can attest that it has affected every relationship since to some degree. Logically, I've let go of it a long time ago but it doesn't take much for my brain to go right back there.

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I think the being intoxicated can be an excuse. However, I do not think that is the issue, I think the issue is can you still trust this person? If you can rationalize the situation that it was just a drunken kiss and the person would never do that sober then perhaps you will trust them again but if you believe that he was just using being drunk as an excuse to do what he already wanted to do then you wont trust the person.

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I was cheated on in a past relationship. I tried to forgive and forget, but it wasn't possible. Plus, after that happens, the relationship is never the same. ( I can also say that it has affected me in every relationship I've been in since, because I have more trouble trusting guys, and react very fast when something seems off...)

 

Also, I never bought the "I was drunk." excuse, because kissing (or wtv else) someone other than the bf/gf was still a choice that was taken.

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As one who was cheated on, I can attest that it has affected every relationship since to some degree. Logically, I've let go of it a long time ago but it doesn't take much for my brain to go right back there.

 

I agree. I was cheated on and although I am dating a wonderful guy now who I know would NEVER cheat, I'm sure there will be times in the future where my brain over thinks a situation, and for a split second I'll think he is. What makes or breaks a relationship in which one or both people have been cheated on before is the communication, as long as the other partner is there to reassure you can survive.

 

But no, I know first hand a relationship can't survive cheating. I tried it, after he cheated on me TWICE. Yes I forgave him and 'moved on' in my own way but it was never far from my mind. And at the first hint of trouble or anything, it was one of the first things that was thrown up. Not to hurt him but to make him understand why I felt the way I did and it caused arguments ALL THE TIME. At the time I had the mentality nothing should come between you... well some things can, or people can let them.

 

Very rarely do people cheat and never do it again.

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i dont know, i feel as though there is such a huge difference between a quick kiss (and then immediately stopping it) and anything more where clothes come off or there is heavy petting, etc.

 

our relationship hasn't been an easy one (long distance) but i have faith we can get through this if this is what we both want.

 

one lapse in judgment for one night out of 2 years is forgivable, maybe it can even reaffirm our commitment after knowing how hard this has been to put each other through and being honest and open with each other... if it hurts so much, there is a reason, and that is love.

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You can forgive all you want, but forgetting is a lot harder.

 

Honestly, since I have been through it, to me no amount of kissing is okay. If my boyfriend kissed anotehr woman for a split second and stopped.. nope. The fact is he did it, he could have stopped long before the lips touched.

 

Just be prepared for it to come back up and if you can talk it through and it never happen again more powre to you, really... my advice would be to turn and run.

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Yes. No conclusion yet. I can offer no excuse except that I did NOT expect it to happen, but definitely invited the situation which is just as bad. At the time I was doubting whether I was giving up college and the environment that goes along with it for someone who took years to get to where to where I got in months and is still afraid of commitment and the future. I got scared. I know now that's part of why I did it, almost like self sabotage. I was so in the wrong, I can't believe I actually thought I wanted a meaningless college experience over a guy who really cares about me and who I know I want to be with for the rest of my life. It's never been more clear what I want, and no matter what happens, at the very least I am happy that I have no more doubt, a clear conscience, and peace of mind, though I hope I'll be able to forgive myself for the pain I have caused It's killing me to know what he is going through and that I can't be there to hug him and tell him it will be OK...

 

part of me wishes I had not told him now, but I just had to. My friends say it wasn't a big deal, but I have had mental breakdown after mental breakdown, then on top of everything else learned my parents were getting a divorce after 30 years and my boyfriend was there for me so I felt even worse. It has been such a hard month, particularly last 48 hours and I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. I haven't slept or eaten much in days, I can't stop crying, nothing anyone can say can console me for what I've done. I know it was just a kiss, but I can't believe what I put in jeopardy. He is my world...

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I think that if couple counseling is even require for a one time drunken kiss or the SO (the one who got ''cheated'' on) being overly depressed about it then there shouldn't be a relationship at all.

 

That's how many would react if it had been much more than a drunken kiss or an ongoing affair but therapy for this???

Not to be bold but if I was in the OP's shoes, had a drunken kiss with another man, told my BF the next day and he overreacts... suggesting couple counseling, I would serious think there is something wrong with him other than the lame drunken kiss.

If a relationship can't survive a kiss, it wasn't much of a relationship, was it?
It would mean it was probably doomed in the first place. If he/she reacts the same way to a one time drunken kiss as if it had been an ongoing affair or drunken sex then there's really a serious problem.

 

If this were to happened, I doubt betrayed would be in my mind. However, I would probably just get angry at my BF for not handling his drinking limits well and be like ''Well don't let it happened again, if you can't control your consumption in the future then it's over''. It's weird but in that case, I wouldn't really feel depressed nor betrayed just mad that he being an experienced man with full knowledge of how much his body can handle and what not to drink would not know this by now.

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Of all the things I've learned, one of the things I will always remember is that you don't know what you will do or how you will react until you've been put in that exact same situation. I know we all speculate, but the fact remains that unless this has happened to you, you really don't know how it would effect you.

 

girl011, I do hope that you will be able to move forward from this with your bf. I hope that you will communicate your concerns to him in the future if given another chance. I can tell you are truly sorry for what you've done. While it's not the worst thing that could happen it has clearly effected your bf. Hopefully he will see it as hexa and yeawutever see it, and move past the incident.

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I've been cheated on in the past, and from my experience, it's not even worth trying to trust them again. It takes up a lot of energy to look past infidelity because the images and the thoughts just consume you. I was far better off walking away, erasing that part of my past, then starting over again with someone who will never do that to me (and I did finally find him).

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I've been cheated on in the past, and from my experience, it's not even worth trying to trust them again. It takes up a lot of energy to look past infidelity because the images and the thoughts just consume you. I was far better off walking away, erasing that part of my past, then starting over again with someone who will never do that to me (and I did finally find him).
Your case was different because it was an ongoing affair. Your ex had full intentions of continuing the affair had he not been caught by you. Now that's unforgivable but a one time drunken kiss can be worked out (and fast).
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