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Just another guy that writes about suicide I guess


TheCreepyOne

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So this is my story.I am 18 years old,in highschool(I'm a guy),I always thought about suicide,and I still am.I haven't done it yet because I am afraid to kill myself,but from what I read on diferent forums,I saw people saying stuff like suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem,etc.Now here is why I believe that you are wrong(in some cases at least).I have been a fat kid all my life,not too fat,I mean I can still walk,run,and stuff like that.Just that I'm fat.When i was a litle boy I was bullied by others that made me lose all my self-confidence(not bullied like what you see in the movies,but since i am sensible by nature,I put it to my heart quicly).During high-school i wasnt bullied,but this doesnt mean that the others like me.I am just an outsider with no friends and no one likes me.Never had a gf,never had sex,hell,i cant even socialize properly.

I have started to lose some weight,but I realized that nothing will make my life better.I always hoped that I will change,but at the same time I was afraid that If i'll change,I will not be me anymore(if you know what I mean) I will be like the others that I hate so much.

Anyway,I hoped that even if I will be alone all my life,I will at least have a decent job and a normal enough life(althogh having a gf or sex will never happen,i am sure of that).But the other day I have read something on wikipedia,that made me realize that I will never change.Now I am decided to end my life.In my case this isnt a temporary problem.I cant change and at the same time I dont want to change because of the fear that ill lose my identity.There really isnt any other option for me.

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Don't rely too much on Wikipedia... Seriously, it can be edited by anyone at any time and it's not that accurate. Please don't let something on there be the deciding factor in ending your life.

 

And there are a lot of women who are chubby chasers. You just haven't been fortunate enough to meet one yet.

 

Your life hasn't even started...

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Just..wow. Let me start off by saying, I feel ya. I was the fat kid my whole life and just now (at 22) I'm finally not being the fat kid. I want tot ell you that high school sucks. It was created to ruin your life and kill all your joy, but there is hope. High school ends. And for SO many people(including myself) college is so different. Though some of the high school drama does transfer over...it's not as bad.

 

You're 18, honey. Saying something will NEVER happen is very short sided. I said the same. I was like..CRAZY over weight as a teen(Over 350 pounds) and I was able to find someone to love me. It's all about the right person at the right time. Jyst know that this is just interim. This too shall pass. You're here for a reason..and though the gf and sex may not happen on your time, it will happen. We are ALL someone's cup of tea.

 

Don't kill yourself, don't look at wikipedia. Like they said..it can be edited at will. Just look at what you do have. Also, realize that once you leave the soul murdering halls of high school..things will get better. You're 18..you're almost there. Don't give up now. Trust me...it may take until you're 22, like me. But, happiness WILL find you. I do promise that.

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what did you read on wikipedia?

 

If you want to know,this is some parts(i cant post URL on this site it seems):

Note refers to love shyness,but it covers all areas.

Most of the love-shy men, but none of the non-shy men, reported never having any friends; not even acquaintances. The vast majority of love-shy men reported being bullied by children their own age due to their inhibitions and interests, while none of the non-shy men did, and love-shy men were less likely to fight back against bullies. Around half of the love-shy men reported being bullied or harassed as late as high school, while none of the non-shy men did. Even as adults, the love-shy men reported remaining friendless and abused by other people. This lack of acceptance by others caused the love-shy men to feel excessively lonely and depressed. However, this also caused the men not to want anything to do with same-sex individuals.

[This particular part shows that even as an adult this will not end]

 

"Gilmartin noted that the 100 older love-shy men studied were experiencing well above-average career instability. Even though almost all of these older love-shys had successfully completed higher education, their salaries were well below the US average. They were typically, if anything, underemployed and were working in minimum wage jobs such as taxi-driving and door-to-door canvassing. At the time of Gilmartin's research (1979-1982), 3.6% of college graduates in the USA were unemployed. Yet the older love-shy men had a disproportionate unemployment rate of 16% because of their perceived bad past work experiences. "

[This part shows that I will also be a loser all my life.And just so you know,he found people like these that are 40+ years old.So this will never change.Even he says that very few change.Once like this,always like this.]

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Suicide should be a last resort. It should be your last option after you have exhausted all your other options. If you think you are fat, do something about it. You've lost some weight, so you know it can be done. You just have to try a little harder. Maybe you should also talk to someone older than you who is facing more serious problems. See how they live their lives and how they cope with their daily struggles. If they can get through life, I am sure you can too. Use your thoughts for fuel and motivation to changing. You only need to change the bad aspects about you.

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I wouldnt listen to any nonsense on wikipedia,for every atrticle like that there is one saying the opposite on the internet

Do you enjoy any hobbies? Sports interests?

I lift weights,run and do other exercises to lose weight.But I don't particulary like this.I am doing it cuz I need to do it.

As for hobbies,I play video-games.Now I play mostly Left 4 Dead 2 and Batlefield Bad Company 2(i play them on PC,here in this part of the world,consoles dont have much penetration.)

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"I always hoped that I will change,but at the same time I was afraid that If i'll change,I will not be me anymore(if you know what I mean) I will be like the others that I hate so much."

 

You can change for the better while still being you. There is always room for self improvement in human beings and I have great respect for anyone who manages to change themselves for the better (seeing as genetics/environment generally leaves us pretty set in our ways). If there is something you don't like about yourself (such as your weight) or a hinder you feel that you need to overcome to function better in society (such as your shyness), make an effort to overcome it. It will not be easy, but it is definitely a better solution than sitting around and doing nothing about the things that dissatisfy you. How can you expect your life to get better without even trying?

 

Another thing, you say that you are afraid to become like the people you hate. Try not to carry around so much hatred and bitterness; I guarantee it will leave you a happier person. I am very sorry you were bullied as a child and no one should have to endure that (but remember that children can be downright cruel, not necessarily because they are a$$holes, but because they do not know any better), but it does not mean that the entire world is full of jerks waiting to pick on the underdogs. I promise you that if you are a good kind caring person that you WILL make friends in the future. But when someone is shy, it is difficult for others to get to know them, so the fact that you don't have any friends, does not necessarily mean that no one likes you, it's just that no one KNOWS you.

 

"Anyway,I hoped that even if I will be alone all my life,I will at least have a decent job and a normal enough life(althogh having a gf or sex will never happen,i am sure of that).But the other day I have read something on wikipedia,that made me realize that I will never change."

 

Because of something you read on Wikipedia you have concluded that your fate is sealed and having a well paid job is a non-option for you? I have news for you, life isn't something you just stumble into and whatever happens happens and you are completely without control ; you are the puppetmaster in your own puppet show and YOU create your own life. If you want to have a high paying job, work hard to achieve your ambitions and you will surely reach them. Whatever happens next is solely up to you; if you end up as a taxi driver or whatever that article said, it is at the hand of yourself and not because Wikipedia said so.

 

I was in a destructive relationship and was completely misreable for the longest time, but I realized that I could not sit around and complain about it because it was MY choice to stay in the relationship despite the fact that I was misreable. WE decide our own fates; I cannot stress this enough.

 

"I lift weights,run and do other exercises to lose weight.But I don't particulary like this.I am doing it cuz I need to do it.

As for hobbies,I play video-games.Now I play mostly Left 4 Dead 2 and Batlefield Bad Company 2(i play them on PC,here in this part of the world,consoles dont have much penetration.)"

 

I believe anyone would be depressed if their only hobby was playing computer games. Perhaps you need to find a more social hobby? There isn't anything else you enjoy doing/is interested in? It doesn't even have to be a social hobby (but this could be a good idea if you want to make new friends), but just something that leaves you feeling good about yourself. What did you enjoy as a child? I am sure you have an undiscovered passion somewhere, you just need to find out what it is!

 

As for the exercise, good for you that you are making an effort to work on your weight. This will benefit you so greatly in so many ways, both mentally and physically. I believe everyone should exercise, irregardless of if they are overweight or not. I am sorry you don't enjoy your exercise routine, perhaps you can try something different? It is important to find a routine that you enjoy doing (makes it more motivating) and make it as fun as possible.

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how do you know it will never change? wikipedia may be fine for looking up casual topics here and there but it's not there to convince you to end your life. i didn't have a good experience in high school either (i'm very sensitive too) and was suicidal at that point. it did not change overnight by any means after graduation and yes i am still struggling with the repercussions of some especially difficult teen and early 20-something years. but it *has* changed. it's been a long time coming but my life is immensely better than it was 10 years ago, so much that it kind of scares me to think i almost ended it all. please, please hang in there and i hope that 10 years from now you'll be thinking the same thing. be strong.

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I was in a destructive relationship and was completely misreable for the longest time, but I realized that I could not sit around and complain about it because it was MY choice to stay in the relationship despite the fact that I was misreable. WE decide our own fates; I cannot stress this enough.

Well,at least you were in a relationship,and having experience means that now you are in another,and if not,you will be.While ill never be even if I change somehow.I know that this part of the life is imposible to me.You know,I kinda wish I were you.

I still have a hope that even if i will never have a gf and sex,at least I will have some normal life,and not a complete outsider,although I dont believe I will change.I am still undecided about suicide(its obvious since I wrote here),but I cant see this going better.Maybe suicide is like a natural selection,you know,the weakest dies.In the past the weakest were killed,and now because of modern society,the weakest kill themself.

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"Well,at least you were in a relationship,and having experience means that now you are in another,and if not,you will be.While ill never be even if I change somehow."

 

Why will you never be in a relationship, even if you change somehow? (Like perhaps overcoming your shyness enough to let other people get to know you.)

 

I by the way knew you would respond with "At least you were in a relationship" My point wasn't really anything about relationships, more about how we are the sole controller of our own life, and that if there is something we are unsatisfied with, we should make an effort to change it, rather than passively acknowledge it, yet do nothing about it. Don't you sort of feel like suicide is the easy way out? I am not one of those people who think people who take their own life are selfish to the bone in regards to the people that you leave behind (like family), because I know what it is like to be in so much despair that all you want to do is rid yourself of the pain and suicide seems like the only way to do it (after all, it SHOULD be one's own choice if you want to live or not), but seriously, don't you wanna stay and fight? I know you don't realize how absolutely lucky you are to be alive, but trust me, you are. If you were to end your life now, you would miss out on so many amazing moments of true and utter happiness. (I am not going to deny that it will be a bumpy road, as the road of life definitely has its hinders and obstacles, but those moments of laughter, connection, beauty all make it completely worth it. Just a clear starry night makes it worth it. Seriously, have you SEEN how beautiful the world is?) You are only 18, you have such a long road ahead of you. Your life so far is not in any way an indication of what your life WILL be, and what your life WILL be, is completely up to you.

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dude dont let that stuff go to ur head man believe me i let a lot of stuff go to my head an then i just expolde you know then i wanna kill evrything an everyone then take my own life but you gotta control those feelings dude trust me i no its hard but you gotta do it

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I meant have you any brothers,sisters,mum and dad? Think how they would feel as well.

I have 3 step sisters,but 2 of them I dont really get to see.The other one is a litle crazy.When we were litle,we were going to those big garbage cans(or whatever they are called) and we were searching there.It wasnt really garbage,more like broken TVs and stuff from a nearby hotel.There was a kat with green eyes,and she sad it had rabies,so she gave it to a few dogs there.Poor kitten...it walked out alive though

Oh,and there is the time she almost made my left eye go blind after she hit me with a piece of metal,or the time when I broke her arm because she hit me in my head with ANOTHER piece of metal.All in all,we kinda had fun(although painful fun,not only for us,but for the kitty too).However,she left in Grecce for years,and came back about an year ago(she left again since),and she wanted to talk to me.But I was so god damn shy,mostly because she never saw me so fat,although i think the fact that she has turned into a super hot girl had something to do with this).Anyway,i was really embarased that she wanted to talk with me and I was only giving one or two short answers.I was staying in my room and she came there to talk to me,and left shortly because I was just not responding.LOL.And to be honest,I NEVER got THAT stuck when I talked to a girl.

She tried to talk about were I will go to college and stuff,but I was just freaked out.I hope I never see her again...

 

 

Take a timeout to realise like Greggie says and think of what you like,dreams,ambitions,before you felt like this...do you like animals? Holidays? Movies? anything..focus on a plan and take it day by day to get you feeling a bit better.

I like movies.Dawn of the Dead and 28 days later are my favorites.Avatar is WAY overrated.

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Haha,will do..so where do you live anyway? Is ur sister Greek?

 

If you are into zombie movies,check Zombieland.Pretty cool.I personally prefer zombies over vampires or any other kind of creature(fast zombies,not slow ones)

 

I live in Romania.Its a poor lil'country(medium sized actually) near Russia.Not many good things to say about it,since people here starv to death and the crisis only made it worse.But at least we have good broadband.Here 10 Mbit is the average

 

My sister is romanian.My father is her father too,just that our moms are diferent.But her mother is romanian too.

 

PS your avatar from braveheart?

PPS: Do you have a steam account by any chances?

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Romania!? Your english is good,are you Romanian? Yeah the Avatar is from Braveheart,good movie! Last Zombie fil i saw was Dawn of the dead..where the two guys shoot lookalikey zombies from the roof top

I saw Dawn of the Dead back in 2005.Dude,that movie freaked me out.Remember that girl that stays in the door and bites his neck?For a week I was watching every night in the door and I felt like she was watching me.I was afraid of monsters back then.Now i think that zombies are just cool

 

just found this site a few days ago as my gf finished with me after 5 years

 

I wish my gf was Romanian lol the women in eastern europe are stunners!!!!

I think its bad when relationships that last this long end.And usually girls are those that break up.I dont want to offend you or anything,but women seem to be more * * * * * es *ahem* then guys.

Oh,romanian girls are hot,that's true.But its too bad for me....

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Are you Romanian tho?? Your english seems too good to be lol

Yeah,I'm Romanian.I knew english before I started learning it in school.Not as good,but i knew the basics from TV and video games.

Romanian girls are superb,as are Russians..id want to go to Prague and the Czech Rep

Yeah,Russian chicks are HOT.I saw a Russian movie called Anastasia and the girl there was just too damn hot I think girls in this area(Russia,Romania,etc) are hotter because Russian genes were spread during the comunism.

Do you know that british show called Fifth Gear?That women is kinda interesting.

You seem sound enough to me and able to hold a conversation on here

If you knew me personally you wouldn't say that...It's easier when I write and have time to think.

that means you can do it with Romanian hotties lol christ i wish i had the chance to swap places as Scotland isnt the best for women...until the tourists arrive in the summer

Well,good luck with tourists.maybe you get a threesome.

 

Have you seen Deadset? Downlaod that,Davina McCalls in it..short series about zombies. You'll like it.

I'll check it out.

 

PS you ever weared a kilt????

BTW,do you know the commercial for scotch wisky(Red Bowler) where he opens the door and says(after he hits a women with the door) " * * * * ing romance,give me my * * * * ing scotch you * * * * ing moron"

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ive worn a kilt,to weddings

I've only been to funerals,lol.

woman love a man in a kilt

Really!??

So what do you do with yourself during the daytime,have you left school and looking for a job?

I still have this year before I finish highschool(i'll be 19 when that happens).If I get some guts,lose weight and become more socially skilled,I think I will go in UK to a familly friend and he will find me a job(everybody flees Romania nowadays.You just can't make any money here).I have an uncle in France,lots of relatives in Italy,and,of course,my sister in Greece.But the problem is that I only know english,so UK is my only chance.Well,there's USA too,but it's too far for my liking.

EDIT I finished writing this I went back to listening music,and I forgot my headsets were at max,so when I started music again,I almost * * * * myself,lol.Avril Lavigne was singing.She may be hot,but at max,her voice scratches the ears.

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(having a gf or sex will never happen,i am sure of that

 

Me and my boyfriend where in the same class at college for 2 years never once spoke!

It was only after college that we started talking on facebook ect, hes 20 and was still a virgin and I was his first girlfriend ect, but hes also one of the nicest genuine people I know. I guess what Im trying to say is you just don't know whats around the corner. This guy sat like 5 feet away from me for two years and we barely even looked at each other! Your only 18 im only 20 theres still so much to do so many more people in life to meet and you just never know whose waiting. Have you ever wanted to travel? Its something I want to do and this gives me a reason to get a job (I don't at the moment) and get motivated because I have something to look forward to.

 

Also may I say you have AMAZING taste in film 28days later is one of my all time favioutes and George Romero is a complete genius!

Have you seen Shaun of the dead? If not it's full of little quotes and things from dawn of the dead ect.

and if you like it I would check out Spaced its nothing to do with zombies but has a lot of the same cast. Its a tv comedy series and it's just brilliant, it has a lot of gaming/ zombie sort of references it's subtle clever humour that if your into those sorts of things, I think you would like

Yes I admit im a bit of a simon pegg fan girl.

And good call on whoever mentioned Dead Set I LOVED IT.

 

If you do check them out i would love to know what you think about it or if theres anything you think I should watch?

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slim down

slim down?What it means?

So are you feeling any better today then? You seem a bit cheerier?

Well,my view of how my life will be hasen't changed,but I don't really care right now.I'm on Prozac,so maybe this has has an effect.If i don't think about it,I feel better.I am telling to myself that I have to lose weight and I try not to think about the rest.But sometimes I start seeing things realistically and I realize that nothing will change.Like I am only liyng to myself when I say I can.

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Have you seen Shaun of the dead?

If you do check them out i would love to know what you think about it or if theres anything you think I should watch?

Yeah,I've seen Shaun of the dead.I personally think it was way overrated.Not a good comedy movie(parody?).I liked the "fat" guy though.If I'm not mistaking,he also playes in Reaper.

 

Oh,if you want to watch a movie,you should definetly check Children of Men.It's not about zombies,but it's the most original movie I have ever seen.

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Hows things today?

It's like these thoughts hunt me,and I do whatever I can think of to make them go away.I watched a lot of Ricky Gervais today.I also watched episodes 14 and 15 from House season 6(seen all episodes from all seasons until now).Funny stuff makes me fell beter,you know?

As about Prozac,I've benn taking it for about 8 months now.

 

BTW,how old are you?

 

PS will send you a PM,but I am not sure if you'll get it.If by the time you read this(2 mins give or take) you don't see anything,let me know,ok?

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