She keeps pushing me.....

[Seraphim]

Yea gads, my mother wants me to spend more time with my dad before I move. She keeps telling me " He is going to be devastated when you leave." You are his favourite child and the only one with any time for him". I have said..."uh mom I see him once or twice a year at most. What is it he is going to be devastated about???" I agreed to take him out today to his favourite meal. My mother wants to come, because she wants to offer him assistance should he ever need it cause I wont be here. I seriously think that he is going to cause her problems and my step dad hates him. I do not know what is going to come of this day because he is agonizingly inappropriate in public. I may regret agreeing but he did sound happy when I called him last night and said I wanted to take him out. I am not sure of his state of mind at the present time though because he was not even aware it was night time, which means he is off his medication again.

[nutbrownhare]

(((HUGE HUGS)))

 

I appreciate how difficult this situation must be for you.

 

As a detached observer, I'd say that your mum wanting you to spend more time with your dad is more about HER guilt around him than anything else. I'm sure he'd love to see you, both from this post and previous ones, but I'm guessing that him being 'devastated' has come from her, rather than him. Especially if he's off his meds.

 

Also her wanting to come 'because she wants to offer him assistance should he ever need it cause I wont be here' makes it sound like her assuaging her sense of obligation and using you as a passport to do that (your step dad will find it much more difficult to object to her if you are there). It also has the additional payoff of making you feel bad and obligated at the same time. It's just a guess, but I'm guessing that you had a lot of this when you were younger.

 

If you've already agreed to this trip out, then by all means honour it. My best advice is to try and keep your sense of humour, whatever happens, and keep as detached as you can.

 

Meanwhile, if you see your dad a couple of times a year, and you're happy to do this - carry on. If your mother keeps pushing you, then respond to her statements with non-defensive things like 'Thanks for letting me know', 'I see', 'OK' and 'I'll need to think about that'. Give yourself a bit of space and don't let yourself be bulldozed into something which is more about her needs than yours.

 

Good luck!

[Seraphim]

Ty nutbrownhare,

 

Yes, I think this does have something to do with her and how she feels. She feels she let him down some how. I know that is not true and so does she. She tried above and beyond almost humanly possible to make it work with him and endured endless abuse for many years at his hands. Still she has told me he was the great love of her life and they met when they were 15 and share 2 kids together so even though they have been apart for 18 or so years they DO miss each other. My dad when he talks to me always asks how she is.Part of it too was she lost both her parents when she was a younger adult and my dad's health is really bad. She does not want me to have any regrets. As for my dad and me....well I am happy the way it is and he has never voiced he wants anything different.

[Seraphim]

Phew it actually turned out GREAT. He was happy to be taken out. He was not embarrassing and he was actually funny. Him and my mom talked about my brother.....lol......which was a bit weird but my dad and my brother do not see each other often or relate well.

[nutbrownhare]

Wow, what a relief. Glad you enjoyed yourself!!!

[Seraphim]

Wow, what a relief. Glad you enjoyed yourself!!!

 

Yeah me too! Meeting up with him is a real roulette wheel.......you never know what is going to hit the fan or what mood he is going to be in from one minute to the next. He can literally cycle in his BPD in an hour or so.... He can be fine and the next few minutes screaming and swearing and throwing things. It aint pretty and you never know what you are going to get. That is why my brother and I never brought friends home as kids. I have seen him yell and swear at waitresses for no reason and tell truly disturbing and offensive sexual jokes for all to be heard. It is really a mess to have him in public. It is painful enough in private.......I am just SO happy it went well.