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Trust, facebook, and my crazy baggage


CordelliaG

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So the other day I noticed a comment from this really pretty girl on my BFs facebook, a hello or something. And I remember he had gone on vacation a while back and had mentioned meeting a girl and her brother who were travelling in the same place. And I realised it was the same person, so I casually asked her who she was. He said she was a friend from his home town, an old neighbor. And I knew he was lying, or stretching the truth (see she is from his home town and may live in the same area that he did, but the way he said it was clearly stretching the truth). Then I asked if she was someone he met when on holiday and he said no. THen I told him he was a liar and that he can't pull these things past me, because I know for a fact it's the same person, she had put comments on his photos from the holiday. Then he admitted that yes it was.

 

Now I know guys get the instinct to lie, but most women are too smart and too good at spying (this is horrible but it's true!) to get the wool pulled over their eyes like this.

 

I actually know he is a really good guy and I am sure that he didn't do anything with her and I also know I am being paranoid, but why would he have to hide this? Is it because he thinks I will get jealous? He knows I don't care if he has female friends as I hang out with guys all the time, but he also knows I have zero tolerance for dishonesty.

 

I asked him if something happened and he said "of course not" and "she has a boyfriend" and "I befriended her and her brother both" and blablabla, but like why would he lie about her if it was just someone he met on holiday?

 

Am I crazy and paranoid to be suspicious? He has never harmed me like this although other guys have in the past so maybe I have become jaded. And honestly, he's much more of a 'good guy' then I am a 'good girl'. But still, now I am upset about the lying and made more suspicious by it.

 

The next day he went and deleted her comment, too, which wasn't necessary...it was less about her and more about him lying about her that got me.

 

But now I am having all these doubts whereas he is thinking about marriage and kids and I just want to run away!!! It's making me feel insecure and paranoid and while it's more issues I have to deal with within myself, it's making me really want to push him away.

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So you knew who she was, you knew where he knew her from, you knew nothing happened at all... but you still decided to lay a trap for your boyfriend to fall into?

 

The reason he lied (which he shouldn't have to in an ideal world) is because "old childhood friend" sounds perfectly innocent while "girl I met on holiday" sounds incredibly sleazy and automatically self-incriminating for many girls.

 

Some may argue "it's not lying if they make you lie". I probably wouldn't go as far as to agree with that all the time, but when I read posts like yours I can understand the sentiment a bit better.

 

Once again:

 

I actually know he is a really good guy and I am sure that he didn't do anything with her and I also know I am being paranoid

 

Then what are you doing, treating your boyfriend like an untrustworthy child?

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First of all, you're right: women make excellent spies. We can't help it. We are just naturally great at ferretting this stuff out.

 

So the question is why did he lie? I think he lied because he feared the exact reaction you had. You know, the paranoid suspicious reaction.....yeah, that was why he lied. I think guys figure that if they tell the truth, then they have to deal with all kinds of questions and suspicions from the gf, so they lie thinking that they can avoid all the fuss. The problem is that if the gf discovers the lie, then they're in a whole boatload of trouble. This is where your boyfriend finds himself right now. You said he is a good guy and your paranoia is more about you and your baggage than him. I would forgive him but tell him never to lie to you again. Tell him it's just not cool to lie even when you understand why they do it. Makes it ten times worse for no reason. But if he's a good guy, then don't sabotage yourself by pushing him away. That won't help the situation IMO.

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  • 1 month later...

So here's an update...I checked my facebook from his computer and it was logged in to his, so I did a horrible thing and opened his messages and searched for her name. THere was nothing particularly suspicious in the messages except that he kept saying let's skype soon.

 

Now when I had confronted him about her earlier I had asked if she was on his skype list and if they had skyped together and he said no. This was proven to be a lie yesterday when I saw he was trying to set up skype chats with her. So I asked if they ever skyped together and he said yes, once, and that after I had asked him about it he deleted her from his skype contacts.

 

So I checked his feed tonight from my account and saw that he had "liked" a really pretty facebook profile photo of her, not one that had come up on his feed but an old one uploaded years ago. I just feel blue about it and it really make sme insecure. I don't like this lying and it's making it really hard for me to trust him although it's clearly also to do with my own insecurity. I want him to cut off contact with her. I know I am overreacting, but it's causing me too much anguish. Is that fair?

 

I really think facebook ruins relationships.

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oh and he keeps telling me not to worry because "she has a boyfriend". I feel like that's a wrong reason for me not to worry, that his reasoning should be that I shouldn't wory because he loves me or because there's nothing or whatever.

 

I hate this torment I put myself through.

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yeah maybe you are right, but what does broken-woman mean?

 

In this context, your obsession with basically proving your paranoid delusions correct and ruining your relationship in the process. You'd rather be right than be happy.

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Hmm, well, the skype chat just seems like a regular chat with friends to me - catching up. You should have been honest with the start and let him know that you're over being mad and the reason you were upset in the first place was only because he lied to you, NOT that he has a female friend (albeit attractive). I have to admit, your reactions/snooping made things worse and now he's just lying so he doesn't have to face an angry gf. Stop this before it spirals out of control. Sit him down and let him know the starting reason that got you upset. He can compromise to be more honest and you can compromise by dropping the snooping and jealousy and learning to deal with your bf having female friends (even if they're attractive).

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