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Friend really let me down?


sad-soul

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I would relaly appreciate some help here. I am feeling quite upset and not quite sure what to do.

 

I have known my friend for the last 4 or 5 years. She is one of my good friends, meaning I have invested a lot energy, time and thought into this friendship over the years. I have shared with her some of my deepest things about my life, I have always considered her to be the good friend, someone I care about a lot, I think of and when she needs I meet her and help her. I have always put her in front of my mind. Whenever there was a social event I always invite her and I never ever think of excluding her because I like her company. She is not the easiest person as she gets quite moody and she is very insecure about herself but I accept her the way she is.

 

During the first couple of years of getting to know each other she has made some comments and remarks about my figure, which upset me as I am not the person to show off. I am just generaly lucky as my dad and my mum are not big people. My friend is quite plump and she has a complex about her which I am aware of. In order to help her, I have always tried to push her to the limelight of any social event to make her feel better about hersef and I have always tried to tell her that her strengths is her personality.

 

There have been occassions where she would push me away, she would be very cold to me, almost hostile and would show her friendly face to other people, strangers. It hurt but I never said anything. I wanted to stay friends because I remembered the good. However, she has not invited me along to a couple of occassions where she could have and that hurt. I never asked why but I undrestood that she may not want me always around as she worries about not getting the attention or something. But it really hurt me that I have always invited her no matter what and she did not. Few months ago my boyfriend advised me to emia her and express my thoughts to her. So I did. I didn't want to upset her and didn't want to suffocate her but pointed out to her how it makes me feel. She reacted fine to it but never changed anything, on contrary continued to act as if she does not want to include me in these occassions. I felt very confused because at hte same time she would call me up now and then to meet up but I naturally slowly backed off to the background, I started to doubt my efforts and her intentions with me.

 

She has moved away last year and when she moved away she called me more often than usual as she felt lonely. Her boyfriend and her they are the type of people to stay at home a lot. So I drove to her place a couple of times, which is quite a way. But i started to feel taken for granted a lot. I started to hurt. And what really hurt me deeply was a recent event. I have met a local girl here and we started to hang out together. I then invited my close friend down to my place and introduced her to the girl I met. My friend seemed to be almost friendlier to this girl and she spoke so higly of her after one meeting. I was fine with that. But the second time they met thanks to me again, my firend was very distant and was again friendlier with the girl. The most hurtful thing I found out was that the girl called me up and said to me that she needs to talk to me. She said that my close friend asked her behind my back for her number and asked her to meet just them two without me. The girl said that she was quite shocked and didn't want to do anything t me like that and she felt she had to tell me about it as she would not want a firend to do that to her.

 

I was so upset so down, like my efforts, all the thoughts, all the care and love was not appreciated at all. I was gutted. The worst thing is I had this gut feeling about my friend but did not want to believe it. Well, I needed time to think and decide how to deal with it. My close friend texted me recently and aksed to meet. I drove to her place again but this time I was convinced we need to talk about us and her treatment of me. So I did, I told her everything that was in my heart over these years. The prolbem is that she did not even think that it was anything wrong what she did about this girl. I was even more gutted. She only realised what a mistake it was after I said to her that in this case I cannot continue our friendship as my efforts are for nothing. She was quite shocked and then she started to see it and she started to talk to me about how she sees me as her very good friend but she says she is too cold to show it.

 

We had a long talk, she told me about things I did to upset her but she admitted she realises I have invested far too much into our friendship compared to her. I asked her what she wanted and she said she wanted us to be better friends but the problem is I dont trust her, I feel that it is too late. I feel she was rejecting me too much and she betrayed me with this girl. I don't know what to do. I care about her but I feel she does not have the same care about a firendship.

 

What should I do? Is she someone I should rely on and trust? I am in my thirties, you know the older you get, your priorities change. Is she a good friend?

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I feel she was rejecting me too much and she betrayed me with this girl. I don't know what to do. I care about her but I feel she does not have the same care about a firendship.

 

So my first thought is - are you married, or do you have a boyfriend?

 

It sounds like you're investing way too much in this 'friendship'. You've already said as much yourself. It's fine to have close friendships but it sounds more like in this situation, your friend doesn't feel anything like as close as you do. That's not a healthy balance, with one person treating the other like a close partner, and the other acting like they're not half as interested.

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This person is not a true friend. She hangs on to you because she is lonely.

 

Clearly whatever she said about you to your new friend was upsetting enough that friend #2 felt she had to tell you.

 

I understand you guys had a talk and that some of her nastiness may have been because she was angry at you... but even so, a good friend will have a heart to heart with you and work things out. Not use you and then try to cut you out.

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The problem is that she cried when I expressed my anger and my disappointment. I was patient and then she started to tell me she wants to be a better friend of mine. I just don't know. I am very sad. She says that she wants to be a better friend but for example I have not heard from her. It is so hard to walk away from a friendship I have invested into so much.

 

Please help me - why did she want to build a friendship with someone she has only met twice, which is thanks to me? And she wanted to do that without me?

 

I am so sad.

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The problem is that she cried when I expressed my anger and my disappointment. I was patient and then she started to tell me she wants to be a better friend of mine. I just don't know. I am very sad. She says that she wants to be a better friend but for example I have not heard from her. It is so hard to walk away from a friendship I have invested into so much.

 

Please help me - why did she want to build a friendship with someone she has only met twice, which is thanks to me? And she wanted to do that without me?

 

I am so sad.

 

I'm sorry you're sad:sad:

 

Who knows why she did what she did? Maybe she's angry, maybe she's jealous, maybe she just doesn't feel like you guys have enough in common.

 

You confronted her & heard her out. The ball is in her court now. She was the one in the wrong so it is up to her to not just say, but prove she can be a better friend. If she doesn't make any effort than it is time to just walk away.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm very sorry to hear that and I really do feel your pain! I have known my bestfriend since I was born and after I turned 19 we don't talk anymore! If I could go back in time I would ask her questions which you should ask your friend for example: 'Is there any particular reason you stopped talking to me?' (Something she isn't telling you). From my experience I really think you should give her another chance as she did seem genuinely upset. Giving her another chance would be better than loosing the friendship. But make sure you let her know that she should kind of PROVE she wants to continue the friendship, like making more of an effort, etc

 

I hope you feel better, the situation you are in sounds really upsetting

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