Mutual split but since then he has turned nasty

[janed400]

My boyfriend and I broke up. We were stuck in a rut and it was a mutual split. We split up on the 21st feb. A few days later we met but it ended badly with him calling me horrible names. since then he has been really horrible to me. his last communication with me was when I emailed him about getting some things from his house he said I never want to talk to or see you again in my life.

 

i dont understand how he is feeling. I dont want him back but I thought we could be more adult than this. Should I contact him after a few more weeks have gone by and see if he will meet me for a coffee so that we can talk a bit nicer to each other. If I stay in NC (have been in NC since his cold email response) will he miss me and eventually contact me? Should i forget about him completely and be glad he has been so awful since the split as it re affirms that we shouldnt be together?

 

I thought our split was going to be more amicable than it has turned out to be. I cant stop thinking about us, what went wrong etc and am having a hard time moving forward. I think if he hadnt been so bitter towards me I think I would be thinking about him less. If he called once in a while it would seem more natural. He never told me he was just going to disappear like this and it hurts. We were together for 5 years.

 

Is his NC forever? Any advice?

[Scottishguy81]

Id write a letter. Write your feelings in it,without name calling. He can then read this letter at his own will,when hes calm and not just retaliating to a txt.

 

Say ur happy for no contact,and ull wait till he contacts you...its a long term relationship,so its worth fighting for if ur both willing to sit down and sort out your problems and it might bring you closer together. He'll be feeling upset about the harsh words too and he'll cool off.

[eggplant47]

I think he said some really horrible, yet revealing things. Honor his wishes reg'd the NC. Dump his stuff in a box and dump it on his porch. If he contacts you in the future, great! If not, at least you won't have sacrificed any of your dignity.

 

It's a shame he can't be more mature. Good for you for taking the high road!

[Kahdeksan]

There are a lot of factors at play here; chief among them is his disappointment in himself. He may have taken this break up way too personally, a burn to his ego. An example of his failure, allowing the two of you to go down a road where the relationship has stagnated. The accumulated guilt, raw emotions, anger and failure on his part have all been piled up on his shoulders and it’s too much for him to bear, let alone carry. The only outlet is to take it out on you and in the process shield his sanity with denial.

 

Secondly, and this factor bothers me. How can you NOT understand how he is feeling? The emotions he is going through. 5 years together in a relationship and you failed to grasp his emotional state? The man you once loved? I find that extremely immature on an emotional level.

 

I am lead to believe that the reasons cited and parted on, were more so your suggestions, I take it, judging from your lack of understanding to his emotions. Nobody is going to take a split up lightly... and most certainly not everyone is equipped with the emotional maturity and sensibility to be lax about it.

 

The other thing is he may not have fully come to terms with the break up. Perhaps he went along with it thinking that a probable solution will present itself later down the track. Now though, he sees all hope of a reconcile crumbling right before him short of losing his sanity. Throw in anxiety, panic as the additive into the mix and you’ll get the name calling and outbursts.

 

I do not condone his behaviour, but I can at the very least come to understand why he reacted in the way he has.

 

For now, leave him be... he is way too emotional to even have the emotional capacity to hear what you have to say on the matter, let alone to have a nice chat on something that’s clearly torn himself apart.

[eggplant47]

Wait just a dang second! This was a mutual split. And just because she responds with sadness and civility instead of hurling insults SHE is the immature one? That hardly seems fair.

[Kahdeksan]

Wait just a dang second! This was a mutual split. And just because she responds with sadness and civility instead of hurling insults SHE is the immature one? That hardly seems fair.

 

I think you should re-read what I posted and take into account the broad spectrum of human emotions at play here. It isn't fair of her not to understand her ex's emotions, is what I'm saying in short.

 

How can one honestly NOT understand why he threw a fit? Yes, it was mutual at the time, but clearly he could not handle it for the reasons I stated in my previous post.

 

I merely remarked how baffling I found it that she could not understand his inexcusable reasons at lashing out. She has been with him for 5 years, and if there were complications back then, she should at the very least know how capable he is at processing his emotions. This is not someone new, whom she had just met.

 

That is what I meant by her being emotionally immature, not being receptive enough to the reasons why he acted out like this.

 

EDIT There is a huge difference between acting civil, and being civil in a mutual agreement, especially when it comes to breaking up. Clearly, he just acted, no? Hoping against hope that something will turn up in his favor for reconcile. And when that didn't eventuate, and he saw how hopeless it all was, he let out a big cry.

[eggplant47]

I respectfully disagree & find that it is his behavior that is hard to understand. I look at this situation and think: "how can he want to hurt someone he loved for 5 yrs with such vicious words?"

 

I get what you're saying about emotional pain causing you to act out but again, OP has stated this was a mutual break up between two adults. It's not like he caught her cheating...

 

So I too find the ex's response immature and irrational.

[ForumGuy]

OP has stated this was a mutual break up between two adults.

Therein lies the problem. He did not actually mean it when he said he was OK with the split. He just agreed, possibly because he thought that was what she wanted. Who knows why. But like the other poster said, he didn't think it would actually happen.

 

I have been in his shoes and though I never call anyone names, I did tell her that "I didn't want to be her friend, know where she lives, or know anything about her". It is then a manipulative game if you don't follow through with your "threats" and keep trying to contact her, which I did not.

[sahasupa]

It seems clear he does not want you in his life at all. You would do well to respect that preference of his and not try to contact him. Do not overanalyze his feelings. He is gone. Move on.