Got Caught Lying / Cheating

[guest2345]

Not me. My soon to be ex boyfriend.

 

Classic case of something felt off, I mentioned it to him, he got defensive, my radar went up so I checked his email account, our cell phone records and found emails and calls to another woman. Doesn't look like they were cheating YET but working their way up to it.

 

I asked him just now if he had been talking to this other woman aside from a few friendly banter fb posts and he got defensive again. I stressed I wanted to know but in a way that would not alert him I all ready knew the anger. And he said to me... and I quote

 

NO!

 

And then I pressed a little more and he said aside from a certain posting, he had had very little to no contact.

 

Well... he's had more contact with this woman in the last two weeks than he's had with me!

 

He straight up lied to me. To my face. And you know something if he had been honest with me. I could have seen my way through this but wow.

 

So people, I am pretty angry right now. I didn't let on that I knew, only told him in my nicest tone How I appreciated him telling me the truth...

 

Now I am wondering what my next move should be as I am in a emotional state right now. Half of me wants to let him know that I know he was lying to me. I'm unsure if I did that should I let him know HOW or just mention that I know he was lying to me and that I have nothing more to say to him.

 

The other half just wants to walk away without saying a word.

 

Maybe this way would be best. I admit I want to hurt him as much as he hurt me that's not right but it's honest. Maybe then, I should just walk away and disappear.

 

And what about mutual friends. They are his friends more and at this moment though I liked a couple of them, I really don't see any reason to continue to connect to them as I feel it'll still be a connection to him. I wonder with that, should I just let them know that we have split and it was nice to meet them but I can no longer be their friends? I held onto my ex's friends during my last breakup and it was rough. Not sure I can go through that again.

 

Anyways... please help!

[Ac143]

Personally I wouldn't be able to hold it in & not say anything. If I was 100% he was cheating or going to cheat, I would confront him with what I knew & just walk away. There would probably be nothing he can say to convince me otherwise, but I would need to get it off my chest for my own sanity & then disappear. I think if you dont say anything he will keep pestering you as to why you are ignorning him.

 

As for his friends, it would be very hard to remain friends with them without bumping into him or hearing about him. I think for the time being you should not associate with anyone that is linked to him until you heal & truly move on. Sorry this happened to you

[Sanesoul]

Take the high road and do this. He's not worth any more of your time.

[MajorFailage]

Just tell him he's not worth it and never talk to him again

[guest2345]

Scottishguy81 That's what I think I'm looking for. (I really didn't want to loose a few of the friends, they're pretty great, a few I don't care about either way). I DO want him to realise and regret. That's my pain speaking but oh well. I'm breathing a bit easier.

 

I really do think he was attempting to have his cake and eat it too.

[Taikero]

To be fair, you're not being honest with him either, and you've snooped.

 

Contact doesn't always mean cheating, and unless the content of what you saw is rather explicit, he hasn't technically done anything wrong other than lie to you about his contact with her.

 

I would say you've broken trust twice by snooping and then not confronting him with what you know, instead "testing" his honesty (which has nothing to do with whether or not he'll cheat), and you might be overreacting based on the evidence you have (maybe you have more than you're letting on, I don't know).

 

It would have been better for you to confront him with what you know rather than have him lie to you. Even if he had no sexual designs on this woman he might have lied to you to avoid the argument or not hurt your feelings (or both). Just because he lied to you does not mean he was going to have sex with her.

[uhohlala]

I don't see that either choice (telling him off or just walking away without a word) is ethically problematic. But in your shoes I think it would be more satisfying to tell him why.

 

Of course that means admitting that you snooped, which could open you up to conveniently angry counter-accusations from him. So what? Whether or not he engaged in inappropriate interaction with another woman, the fact remains that there was a problem in your relationship with him: something triggered your mistrust. That's a problem in any relationship, regardless of whether the suspicions are proved correct. If you don't trust your partner, whether because he's acting weird or you've developed an insecurity driven paranoia or some combination thereof, there's a problem in the relationship.

 

I once dated a guy who was great in many ways, but was a selfish coward in relationships. He started to disengage weeks before ending the relationship, and when I tried to talk to him about the changes I'd noticed, he denied that anything was wrong. The weekend before we broke up, I was out of town and he posted in the "strictly platonic" section of craigslist looking for a woman who wanted to see a movie with him that weekend. Did he tell me about the posting? Of course not. Did he admit to himself that he was looking for a rebound (or the possibility at least) to have in place before he broke up with me? No -- he posted in "strictly platonic." But his intention was perfectly obvious. (he didn't end up with any takers for his movie posting, but two weeks after our break-up he was in a rebound relationship).

 

Point is: when your gut is telling you that something isn't right, something isn't right. When you try to talk to your partner about a problem you're sensing, and they just stonewall, something isn't right. Think about it: if your boyfriend were really completely innocent of what you suspected, your asking him about his interaction with other women would not only elicit denials, he'd want to know where you were getting such ideas from. He'd pursue the discussion with you to figure out where you were coming from.

 

So you were suspicious, you tried to talk to him about what you were sensing, he put up a defensive front, you snooped, and your suspicions were confirmed. End of story. End of relationship. Your gut was right.

[uhohlala]

Only after you are gone and he realises what hes done,will he regret any contact with her...id stay in touch with the friends and act like nothings wrong and itll hurt him even more. Some people might say differently but im a guy and i know what would hurt him more..

 

Very good advice.

[guest2345]

Taikero We have each other's passwords to everything. Up until now, I saw no reason to use it. And before my attempt to find out the truth, I did try to speak to him about my feelings and thoughts. He jumped on me and that made me suspicious.

 

uhohlala Not only did he stonewall, deny, lie, blame and insult he also reflected so that another conversation would start.

 

I'm still conflicted on if I will say something or not. You're right. It WILL nag me. But in this case, either way game over. It's not the first time he's done something that's sparked my mistrust (thus the reason we shared our passwords). But.. it's the last time.

 

Either way. It's over. I cant see any return from this. There is obviously something that he feels is missing in our 'relationship' if he is turning to another.

[Mauxly]

Ahhh...the big question, to snoop or not to snoop...

Not a fan of the snoop, but to be fair to her this is the only way she was going to find out what she was dealing with. He would have gaslighted her until the cows came home, making her into a lunatic, adding injury to insult.

 

I have to firmly disagree with your stance that he wasn't cheating. Lots of contact with a woman, lying about it....emo affair to be sure.

[arakal]

Walk away without saying a word. Including getting all your stuff. That's the best way (to hurt him).

 

If u bring it up to him he will either try to talk his way out of it or you all will argue and he'll probably twist things and make u feel like the bad guy.

[guest2345]

For sure it is emotional cheating.

 

Lot of contact with a woman through all hours of the night, when I slept and during the day as well. Too much contact. He has female friends he communicates with a lot, but nothing as much as with this woman. I'm not wrong in this. Wish I were.

[guest2345]

I've just taken the first step and blocked him off of facebook. I deleted him off of my email list as well. Soon the phone will follow.

 

I'm going with the out of sight out of mind route.

[Taikero]

For sure it is emotional cheating.

 

Lot of contact with a woman through all hours of the night, when I slept and during the day as well. Too much contact. He has female friends he communicates with a lot, but nothing as much as with this woman. I'm not wrong in this. Wish I were.

 

Yeah, if he's staying up to talk with this woman, that's rather telling. When a guy starts losing sleep over a woman (more than maybe once or twice for something specific), there's definitely something going on.

 

I don't blame you for walking away. I simply wanted to point out the other side because I didn't want to see you throw it away if you were just jumping to conclusions. Sounds like you have all the information necessary to make the right decision though, and kudos to you for carrying it through, or at least starting to.

[guest2345]

Yeah when examining things it has been almost a daily thing for the last couple of weeks. Well rather daily AND nightly. I just thought it was odd more than usual and when it's another one of his female friends he's always open and honest to the point where I don't even ask. He offers. But she is... a secret. A stranger to me.

 

Wow. I can't believe that it's over just like that.

 

I do wonder if he will wonder or figure it out eventually why I just disappeared. I'm not wavering on my decision. This was the last straw between us. I'm just talking things through / out so that I don't loose it and I appreciate ALL of your support.

[Taikero]

Sounds like you two had a good thing going (sounds like he was honest at least most of the time) and he blew it through deception.

 

It's just sad to see relationships, ones that have been very good, thrown away over foolish things.

[uhohlala]

Sounds like you two had a good thing going (sounds like he was honest at least most of the time) and he blew it through deception.

 

It's just sad to see relationships, ones that have been very good, thrown away over foolish things.

 

Yes, but it inevitably calls into question the nature of the whole relationship, and how good it really was. If there's an unmet need, why is the soon-to-be-ex not talking to the OP about it? When she directly asked him, in a calm, non-threatening way, if something was going on, why didn't he speak up?

 

Two possibilities: right now in his mind he's still in the relationship (on his own dishonest terms) and just playing a dangerous little game with this other woman. Or, right now in his mind he's in the process of checking out of the relationship, and establishing other emotional ties to make the transition easier. Neither is indicative of a good relationship -- rather, both possibilities suggest that the guy is at best rather obtuse about his own emotions and motivations, at worst a scheming manipulator, and undeniably quite capable of blatantly lying when he feels it's in his interest to do so.

[guest2345]

Yeah I'd like to think so! It would have been nice if he was honest and then we could have worked through it. I like and can deal with honesty, even if it exposes all the nasty little bits.

 

I just feel like talking to another person while you're in a relationship with another is so wrong. Just break up with your partner if you're not into them anymore. It feels like this was more of a 'crime' of opportunity rather than a well thought out plan.

 

Well... at least it wasn't going on for a long time and the wool wasn't pulld over my eyes for too long.

 

She is the or will be the ultimate rebound. I can't not see him thinking about me while they engage, if they continue to engage one another. She can be his shoulder to cry on but it gives me strength to know that my memory will always be there and what transpired between us.

 

I just hope he doesn't call me, I'll try not to answer the calls, I'm afraid if we speak I won't be too pleasant with him and I want to try to maintain composure.

[guest2345]

I kind of thought we had our ups and downs like any other relationship. We've been together for quite some time. But maybe it ran it's course for him? Though in your possibilities knowing him I'd bet it to be the first one.

 

There is a issue with him in fact that he needs to be validated, especially by women. Was working on this and we just fought so that could add to it as well. But to run into the arms of another woman??! He's not young btw he's 30. It may feel comfortable but it's not right.

 

Anyways I'm ok with the truth. There have been other sitautions where the truth came out and we worked with it quite well. I just think he wanted us both in the end.

[guest2345]

At this very moment I am struggling with the whole NC thing. Not that I have the need to return to him but in fact I am feeling the strong need to tell him I know that he lied.

 

I most likely won't. But at the moment the desire is very very strong.

 

So far yesterday, after I told him that it had to be over, he's contacted me twice and has made himself available online (I was thankfully invisible and only recently noticed). I deleted him from my contact list as well so he shouldn't show up.

 

It just makes me insane to no ends the fact that he thinks he has or he has gotten away with lying so greatly.