please help! going crazy

[girl011]

Hi all,

 

I would greatly appreciate some advice. I've been in a long distance relationship for about 2 years. Before it got serious my now-boyfriend was not committed to me. We met his senior year in college - I'm still in school - and he didn't want to be tied down during his last college days. There was something about him and us that I always believed in. About 6 months after he graduated, things changed, he realized what was important, and I was thrilled when he wanted to take things to the next level. I was head over heels in love.

 

Recently, however, I've been encountering a grass-is-greener mindset. I am surrounded by my single friends and our campus is definitely not conducive to serious relationships. My boyfriend is always very careful when discussing the future or his feelings (he has been hurt badly in the past) and sometimes I feel insecure about what may happen down the road - i.e. what if I'm giving up the college experience only to have him dump me down the road for some hot chick in grad school.

 

Basically, I was selfish and drunk one night and let another boy kiss me. It was wrong, I know that. But that is far as it went and I have not seen or contacted the boy in question since. I chose not to tell my boyfriend, but I am still feeling guilty about it over a month later. I know my boyfriend isn't perfect either, but I trust he has never cheated on me, and feel as though he would end things forever if I were to come clean. I know I messed up, but this seems ridiculous to me, to end a beautiful, loving, 2 year relationship over a 2 minute interaction. In a way, it was even helpful to me in my grass-is-greener situation because it confirmed that none of that stupid hook-up culture is meaningful, I love my boyfriend, and will not give him up for anything in the world. He is the man I want to marry. I will never even consider doing again what I did that night, will even draw the line sooner to flirting with other men, and will work harder than ever before to be loyal and good to him.

 

But is this enough? I know I'm in the wrong, but I feel if I tell him it will either end things or create a problem that isn't there (him being jealous or doubting my feelings when I've more than learned my lesson and have affirmed my commitment and love for him), I'd appreciate any advice.

 

Thank you, I'm desperate!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Cheating always has a way of coming out in the open at some point down the road. It hurts the other person even more and causes more damage the longer the secret is kept. I would suggest you come clean and let the chips fall where they may, otherwise you will be living a lie and will always wonder if the truth will ever come out by someone else.

[waytoodown]

I agree with what Crazyaboutdogs said.

 

By experience, I can tell you that learning someone not only cheated on you, but lied to you about it for "X" amount of time hurts even worst. Plus, whatever reaction the person has to this ( wether it be to break up immediately or try to make it work) will be the same now as well as later. Also, lying to your SO takes it's toll on the relationship. Your bf will probably be able to tell that something is off, he might just not clue in as to what exactly it is.

 

In my personal opinion, I believe that the truth always comes out. Just make sure he learns it from you and not anyone else. And deal with the consequences now, rather than later when you're even more attached to him.

[lostinlove2010]

I may be the odd one out but I disagree that you should tell him what happened. It sounds like you feel guilty so you want to tell him in order to relieve your guilt. But it's not just about your feelings, it's also about how your boyfriend is going to feel and it will lead to resentment and anger. You may feel less guilty if you tell him but then you are hurting him in order to make yourself feel better. If you truly feel like this was a stupid one time thing then keep it to yourself unless he directly asks you if you cheated then don't lie.

 

You may feel that this was just a stupid one time event that will never happen again but your boyfriend isn't likely to see it that way. It will destroy the trust in your relationship and it may even tempt him to cheat just to get back at you. I say step back and truly examine your relationship. Are you sure that you are ready to be serious with someone and that you can be faithful? If the answer is no then it is time to move on and let your boyfriend go. If the answer is yes then be a faithful girlfriend and deal with the guilt you brought upon yourself instead of making your boyfriend feel bad in order to get rid of your guilt.

 

Also it is ok if you don't feel ready to be so serious with someone just don't string your boyfriend along. He may be a great guy but if you're not ready that's ok.