Got into a huge fight over a controversial issue

[babypink61]

I got into a huge fight with my bf recently on the topic of immigration.

 

Some background info:

My bf is white, born and raised in the US. My parents are Chinese and they immigrated to the US 25+ years ago and I came later once my parents became US citizens. Now are entire family are US citizens.

I've been together with my bf for about 1.5 years.

 

My bf has very strong opinions on certain topics and immigration just happened to be one of them. We never really discussed my background that deeply since the topic never really came up in any of our conversations. Well recently we were watching some show on TV on this topic and I made a comment about how I sympathize with the people on the show because my parents were immigrants as well and have been through the same types of hardships that those people went through. He then started asking more questons about my parents' experiences back then and then out of nowhere he blurted out "oh, so your parents came to this country illegally?" But the tone he used wasn't a curious, casual tone where someone was asking a question. It was more like a tone of voice accusing somebody of doing something wrong. At first I kinda of brushed it off but them he started pressing me more on the topic and I immediately went on the defensive. I think he was shocked to find out that my parents actually came to the US illegally but eventually stayed here long enough to be able to apply and become US citizens. I think he was really appalled by that which really upsetted me. His reaction totally threw me off guard. I know that it's against the law and I respect that people feel differently about this topic. But as a bf and someone that's close to me, all I am looking for is to have someone that would be sympathetic and respectful about this and not make me and my family feel guilty that we did something wrong. Am I being unreasonable to expect that from him? We got into a huge fight because he didn't think he did anything wrong. I don't know if I can stay with him if he can never get over this topic.

 

I am just hoping to hear someone who has gone through the same thing to kind of share some of their experiences with me. I just really don't know what to do now.

[sophie274]

Did he just "sound" accusatory, or was there more to his opinion? What exactly did he say?

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I think it is important to remember that his point of view stems from experience the same way yours does. When you're raised or grow up to believe a certain thing, it is often hard to empathize opposing view points.

 

Only time will tell if this will be a huge issue or just a passing thing.

[guynextdoor]

Your bf never been there or done that so he is clueless. I'm surprise after dating the guy for 1.5yrs he doesn't know much about you. I'm sorry you have to go through this, try to educate him so he can see it from a different perspective. GL.

[DN]

Well, he could have been more tactful because this was about your parents. But the fact remains that they did do something illegal and many people have strong views about illegal immigration for various reasons - they do see it as wrong. So if he were to pretend that he felt otherwise he would be being hypocritical.

[DN]

Moderator Note: if this thread turns into a political debate about illegal immigration it will be closed.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I think being rude back is harsh. Two judgments don't make a right. The OP may have to take the highroad in this one.

 

I do wonder, are you compatible with other beliefs and values in life? (Without being specific or going against forum rules)

[MikNomis]

Obviously, this isn't a good topic for you guys. If you can let this go, try to let it go and avoid this topic in the future. I also avoid talking about religion with my girlfriend, because it's really not that important but it can potentially be disastrous.

Just try to think of it as everyone having their own opinion, even though you don't agree with it.

[annie24]

i think he's probably mad because he has a view of illegal immigrants "sponging" off the system, then he found out your parents were illegal immigrants who were hard working. he probably doesn't like that his political views have been challenged.

[Kumatora]

Your bf never been there or done that so he is clueless. I'm surprise after dating the guy for 1.5yrs he doesn't know much about you. I'm sorry you have to go through this, try to educate him so he can see it from a different perspective. GL.

 

I really like this idea. However, if he is still sticking to his guns then it's best to not bring up the topic.

 

From personal experience, I am dating someone who came here from a different country. He came here legally but still does not have his citizenship. My family has held a strong dispproval of our relationship for awhile. Why? Because they also held the same belief as your boyfriend has.

 

Your boyfriend does not have to agree with immigration issues, but he is still to show some respect toward your family while dating you.

[agent1607307371]

OP, how does he get along with your parents? Has his attitude towards them become bad since find thing this out about them?

[mandellin]

I am on the other side of this. My boyfriend and his mother are immigrants to this country. We are talking about marriage and going to pre-marriage counseling and our counselor brought it up - but I believe for a good reason. It is going to make a difference in what paperwork and how we have to get married. He,after being with him for almost four years, went crazy and starting yelling at me for even asking. After four years if you can't tell me about your family background and immigration status - I think that is a sensitive subject for you and not for me. Maybe you were like him and already highly sensitive to the subject?