alone with choices

[bigocean]

I dont know why I am writing this or to whom I am writing to, i just need to get this out and hopefully find some clarity. Any insight is welcome, any opinion appreciated.

Pre face:

I am a 23 year old female from Canada working on a passenger cruise ship. I am from a single parent home, both parents have been divorced two times, now both are in their 50's and alone. I have moved around alot in my life. I grew up in a small city, and as soon as I could get out of their I did. I graduated from high school and moved 3 hours north. I graduated from college and found a job in a big city another 3 hours north, where I knew no one. I advanced in my job quickly and at such a young age it was overwhelming for me, so I wanted a change, maybe even less responsibility. This is when I applied for a job on a cruise ship, and soon there after I received my first contract (Sept 2008- March 2009). I met my "fiance" on my first contract and everything happened so naturally and quickly between us. He is older by 3 years and is from Europe. We come from different cultures, and yet there were little differences in the way we viewed life. We Started living in a cabin together as soon as we started dating and got engaged (June 2009) 6 months after we met. We were together literally 24 hours a day. My second contract (June 2009-Dec 2009) I requested to be on the same ship as him, where we continued our time together, without any hitches what so ever. We had started planning our wedding and life together. I had met his family on our first vacation together, and he met mine after my second contract. My father actually approved, which I was surprised of, he has always doubted my judgment and has been overbearing, although I grew up with my mother and am not very close to him.

Current:

The problem is now with my ex-fiance. Let me explain. Again when we signed on (Jan 2010) this ship, we lived together and everything was okay. I felt pressure from planning the wedding. Shortly after we came on this ship, it had engine problems and it needed to be repaired immediately. So some of us got to stay for "dry dock" (when the ship is pulled out of the water and repaired) and not work, it was parties all the time, like freedom, and some of us were transferred or sent home. I got to stay and enjoy my freedom, and my fiance was transferred for just two weeks (Feb 2010) to another ship. During our time apart, at first I was sad, but I didnt feel like I was sad for the right reasons. I felt like I was missing him, but not because I wanted to be WITH HIM, but because I didnt want to BE ALONE. During this time my father emailed me telling me that he would not attend our wedding but wishes us the best of luck, saying he didnt like to fly (we were supposed to get married in Europe) I dont believe him.... but that is a sidenote. After I received this I met someone else (not saying these instances are related, but possibly). This someone else is, as he says, unhappily married and has a child at home. He is the same age as me, and says he did everything in his life too soon and now regrets it, but has do deal with it none the less. Our time together was amazing, completely different than with my fiance. Both of us knew my fiance would be coming back soon and that this had to end between us, we had planned to act like nothing had ever happened. So my fiance returned. And it wasnt the same between us, it couldnt be, look at what I had done to him, I couldnt look at him the same, I couldnt kiss him the same, i could barely even hold his hand. He knew something was wrong, and I told him what had happened. We tried to still be together, but it was too much. We couldnt stand to hear each others voices, I cried every night and all I could say to him was that I was sorry for hurting him like this. He was angry but only momentarily. He was upset and disappointed, which hurt me more. All he wanted was for us to be like how i was before. He couldnt understand why or how things could change so fast. But it did. He left again. He asked to be transferred to another ship again so we could have some time apart. (march 2010) After he left the other guy and I were together, the connection between us was something stronger than us. He has signed off for his vacation now (april 2010). He tried to extend his contract to stay with me longer, but it was denied. He had already recieved his next contract, but has rejected it in hopes of coming back here to be with me. He says he wants to leave his wife, his family to be with me, not just for now, but forever. I dont want to make he same mistake again. I dont want to be nieve. When everything tells me not to believe, I do believe.

So now I am here. April 2010. questioning everything. I feel isolated and alone. I am surrounded by thousands of people and have no one to talk to.

 

I wrote some things down to get them out, but it didnt help, I need some non bias, third party interaction.

 

Here is what I wrote, going back to basics and only facts.

 

WHO?

Me - selfish, confused, unsettled, afraid of commitment, guilty, undeserving of trust.

Fiance - Innocent, Heartbroken

Other man - Married

 

What?

I cheated on my fiance with a married man.

 

WHEN?

While my fiance was away, While I felt alone and after the news from my father.

 

WHY?

The question is not why did this happen to me? I am not the victim, I realize this. I made this happened, I did something to make this happen. The underlying question is why did I do it? I have a few theories, but I will get into them later.

WHY is still the biggest question.

 

HOW?

The second biggest question.

How did I let myself do this? I am weak.

How could I hurt someone like this?

How can I live with myself knowing the pain I caused?

 

Those are only a few of the things running through my mind.

 

Was I looking for a way out?

Do I really miss my "fiance"?

Am I afraid to be alone?

Did me and my fiance move too fast?

Should I give us a second chance?

Is this really about the situation at hand or is there more to it? Is this about my family?

Did I chose to be with a married man knowing I wouldn't have to run away because there is no real future?

Is there a possiblity of a future with this man?

 

 

What should I do now?

 

I know I will never have all of the answers, nor am I sure I want them. I just feel lost.

 

Small fish in a big ocean

[Alstott Fan]

IMO you should really spend some time alone and be as introspective as possible about why you did what you did. You not only cheated on your fiance, you cheated with a married man. It doesn't matter that he's "unhappy" or not. That's a common line married guys use to get single women to sleep with them. You should figure out why you fell for it and why you feel it was OK to do what you did. Maybe this means talking to a professional, I don't know.

 

And keep this in mind: You said yourself that both your parents are twice divorced and alone. Is that how you want to end up? If so, continuing this type of behavior in relationships is a good way to make sure you do. I have family that will die old and alone because of the choices they made earlier in life, and believe me, if they could go back and change those choices they would.

 

As for being with your ex-fiance or this married guy, I'd say you don't need to be with anyone until you figure out what you want. The odds of you repeating this pattern if you just keep jumping from guy to guy are very high. If that's what you want then be honest with yourself and them and let them know this upfront. If you want to have a marriage and family then you need to cut this type of behavior off right now. The more you do something the easier it gets, right? Well the more you repeat this type of behavior the easier it will be for you down the road, and as I've already said, this type of behavior doesn't lend itself to having a loving, lasting marriage.

[abouttime]

You cheated on your fiance in the span of two weeks. With a married man. You pretty much destroyed the man who loves you. Stay away from him, even if he still loves you. It will take time for him to heal. Thank goodness you weren't married. Can you imagine the desolation you would have caused if you were. It doesn't sound like you really loved him anyways. I mean two weeks? Oh well, on to more important things like destroying the married mans marriage. Some people have no ability to put themselves in the other persons place. IE Your jilted fiance or the married mans wife and kids.