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So last friday I basically laid everything down with my ex, contrary to what I thought it actually seemed to have a positive effect. She told me she couldnt give me any answers right now and tbh she just looks like shes really confused. On a less positive note I really think she was into the other guy, basically they were only together for 3 months and Im pretty sure she was still in the honeymoon phase. Anyway yesterday she texts me to ask me to stop by at the club where she was working. It was pretty much on my way so I stopped by and we had a good time. At the end of the night I asked her if she wanted to come over to my place since I live right next to that club and she had had quite a few drinks. So she told me she was considering it before I even asked her but then she thought it would be best if she just went home. We had a talk after that and she basically told me that she wasnt expecting me to reenter her life so suddenly, she told me to basically just let things happen naturally. Now from what I gathered she is really confused but also still has feelings for the other guy. I have the disadvantage of being acquired while he still presents a challenge, I just dont know how to go from here... I feel like theres still something I could say or do to tip the scales in my favor. She is really hot and cold so its so hard for me to read into her behavior. I just want a fresh start and I want her to trust me and just go for it. We havent spoken since yesterday night what do i do now?

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Nothing. Just leave her alone. She is still trying to get over this other guy... Maybe drop in a nice casual text/email in a few days to check in with her. Don't corner her or make her feel uncomfortable... Just be that fun guy she can talk to and laugh with.

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i didnt get many replies but ill post what happened tonight anyway, after yesterday and the fact that she asked me to come over again and actually considered coming over to my house I thought that things were on the right track. Well she was on messenger about 1h ago and I decided to talk to her casualy... then i just told her that i hoped she would realize all i wanted was a chance to make her happy and to make things right.....shr suddenly stopped answerin and eventually left.... i then txted her to ask her why she left and she hasnt answered...... I dont get this girl, she wants to see me one day and ignores me the next.... what else can I do, NC didnt affect her during the 5 months.... I feel powerless yet im not ready to give up... I just dont get it...

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Well, I think now you have to give her a very wide berth Cuz. You went for the jugular there!!! There is nothing wrong in what you did, because it was right for you but you really are going to have to wait for her to get in touch now. Something inside made you reach out like that so don't beat yourself up over it - if you didn't think those thoughts you wouldn't have reached out. The further rejection you are feeling is the product of this latest event...

 

One thing you cannot dwell on and it is easier said than done, is not being able to understand her behaviour because you can't. Just like she cannot understand your behaviours, attitudes and opinions. The only thing that can improve your situation is to start being more empathetic and realise that this isn't just about you. Her ignoring your 'reaching out' on MSN isn't all about you. For all you know, she could be crying in the corner as we speak, confused and scared.

 

The last time I was 'speaking' to my ex was in January, when she came to my house to give something that belonged to me. I thanked her that night, and a few days later we were chatting again via text. I asked her in a non-threatening way if she'd like to meet and she totally ignored me, yet she was at my house 2 days prior. You can't understand - see? Nothing will make sense. You want another chance so keep moving away from the hope that you'll get one. You already asked for it...

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Having been through a similar set of experiences (e.g. the hot/cold behaviour, the confusion, the uncertainty, the marriage of words and actions or not as the case may be) I would suggest to you a simple formula. Back off and let her come to you - Don't push or she will push back. Take it day by day. You've laid your cards on the table now it is up to her to decide her next move. This is a decision only she can make. You pushing anything on her will probably backfire. Time is your friend and not your enemy. Don't run only to stand still if you get my meaning...

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Two things.

 

One, you never made it clear (assuming you know) what happened between her and "Rebound Guy" (whom I've never believed was a "rebound" at all -- people don't usually rebound that fast). Did he dump her? If so, she's probably grieving for him, and it'd be a very bad time for you to stick your nose into the middle of her business. But after some healing time (for both of you) ... who knows?

 

Two (and you have never seemed to grasp this part), the tone of your own messages has always sounded needy and desperate, and it still does. I can only imagine what she thinks. Even if she came to you (and I agree with Stabilo on that part, you need to leave it to her), I still think your tone and demeanor (and probably body language) would turn her off. You present yourself as an aimless jellyfish floating in the tide with no control over your direction, and that's no way to attract this girl or any other.

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You are pushing too much on this right now.....you need to leave her alone.

 

You cant "tip the scales in your favour". Either she wants you or she doesnt. Nothing you can say or do will make her feel for you. She needs to come to that conclusion on her own.

 

Step back for a bit and let her come to you. Even then, be slow in the replies and dont be at her beck and call. Like all other scenarios, let her imagine life without you.

 

If she doesnt like it and wants you in it, she will come back strong. You are making it too easy. What you are doing is saying you will be there not matter what. You are setting yourself to be the back up guy.

 

Let her sort out her ish on her own.........crowding her is only pushing her away.

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i didnt get many replies but ill post what happened tonight anyway, after yesterday and the fact that she asked me to come over again and actually considered coming over to my house I thought that things were on the right track.

Well, she said she was “confused” which means “I’m not really that interested in you but I don’t want to hurt your feelings and scare you off either”. If they are confused and not sure what they want then they don’t want you at that time.

 

Well she was on messenger about 1h ago and I decided to talk to her casualy... then i just told her that i hoped she would realize all i wanted was a chance to make her happy and to make things right.....shr suddenly stopped answerin and eventually left.... i then txted her to ask her why she left and she hasnt answered...... I dont get this girl, she wants to see me one day and ignores me the next.... what else can I do, NC didnt affect her during the 5 months.... I feel powerless yet im not ready to give up... I just dont get it...

Well, she doesn’t want you right now. You can say you want her to be happy but you can’t say YOU want to make her happy. You pushed and it put pressure on her and it turned her off. That being said there’s a good chance she’ll hook back up with the other guy anyway.

 

When they stop talking to you it’s your que to stop talking them. If someone doesn’t respond to you don’t keep trying to reach them. When someone wants to be with you they make it pretty obvious. If they seem to be on the fence like she was then take that as a “no” and back off until she reaches out to you again.

 

Even then don’t assume she’s 100% committed because to be honest, you almost never see a dumper come back when the dumpee is waiting with open arms. She’ll want you back the minute you throw in the towel and say the hell with her or start dating again. Any type of reconciliation in the near future would fail and hurt any chances you might have later (it didn’t work the first time why would it work now type thinking). She is not ready so back off for a month or two or else you will sabotage yourself.

 

 

It sucks but that’s just how these things play out. She will want you when you stop wanting her. Right now she just wants an ego boost to help get over the other guy...who she'll probably get back together with.

 

In summary: RUN!

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Thanks for all the replies. I am aware that shes probably more into this guy than me right now but I truly doubt that they will be reconciling, but that doesnt change anything cause either way I dont wanna be plan B. If she wants to get bacl together only because she cant be with him im not interested. The only thing I dont get is why shes so into him and why shes finding it hard to get over a 3 month relationship when all it took was 2 weeks to get over our nearly 3 yr relationship. Can it be explained by the fact that he ended it while they were still in the honeymoon phase? Also i dont get why shes so into seeing me if she knows what my intentions are!?

 

P.s. She eventually did answer my texts and said : im sorry i just have a lot on my mind you know that... good night

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Cuz, I know you have a tough time with all this, I read your posts and see some of me in it, but I would never show the desperation or think it - I've been in a lot of relationships over the years, 3 long term so have a little more experience. Doesn't make it easier but you learn from your mistakes.

 

Have to remember she detached herself from you for a reason. You have spent a lot of time on this forum, no doubt reading posts - especially in this section and you should realise getting back together is not the easy part, it's the most difficult of them all. I am SURE you have read the posts, thousands of them, getting back together is a tough fight. Very emotional because the outcome desired by both parties is never assured.

 

When you get to the stage where there might be even a tiny chance of getting back together there is one danger - and that is, that she might see the side of you that made her detach in the first place. When 2 people are playing with the idea of maybe getting back together, and they both want it, things can seem unreal. When one of the two, say the dumpee, shows the slightest inclination of what the dumper saw as a super negative trait in the the person they dumped, they will have a lighbulb above their head and heart and suddenly it will all comes flooding back and then the damage might be permanent. You have to play this cool and be very patient. Do you want to be the rebound? What do they say about rebounds (not always true but..) - won't last. Was the other guy a rebound? I am really not so sure I'm afraid - it all seems premeditated. I think there are probably things you don't know about that took place during her initial detachment from you.

 

Give her space, she might not come back, she might .. but let her come to you. Too much pressure and you will never have a chance.

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I know what you mean Hobbes...it does seem like she might have known him before but I can confirm that she didnt. She did meet him in a club about a week before but she told him she had a bf, my ex's friends thought he was really hot so they took his number and a week later she left me so they informed him of that. Anyway I know i have to give her space but i havent contacted her since sunday and she hasnt either. Its really frustratinf because i told her about my intentions on friday so she knew that i wasnt interested in friendship yet she still asked me to comme see her and even hesitated about sleeping at my place. She told me to just let things happen on their own so thats what im doing and im getting nothing.

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She told you she's confused but you still expect answers. Think about it. She doesn't KNOW what to tell you, what to do, how to move this forward. You really expected her to come and sleep at your house?? She was sleeping with someone else not long ago. This takes patience and you need to be busy with other stuff so you don't drive yourself crazy.

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...it does seem like she might have known him before but I can confirm that she didnt. She did meet him in a club about a week before but she told him she had a bf, my ex's friends thought he was really hot so they took his number and a week later she left me so they informed him of that.

The breakup is water under the bridge, but ...

 

Your then-girlfriend's friends likely conspired against you. They probably had been telling your girlfriend she "could do so much batter" (young chicks love that line), and, when this guy came along, they encouraged her to take the opportunity. (Don't believe me? It's happened to me more than once.) That would mean your ex left you specifically to make herself available to this guy.

 

You think it was all a coincidence? Do you really think it was all innocent? It wasn't. And how do you feel about that? How's that make you feel about her? And isn't it obvious that she's still hung up on him, not you? Do you really trust someone like that?

 

Finally, do you really need much more incentive to let her go and go your own way? Jeez, man, get some stones and stand up for yourself.

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Hey Brownstone, you commented on my thread and gave me advice to.

 

What you describes pretty much outlines what happened to me and my ex

 

The breakup is water under the bridge, but ...

 

Your then-girlfriend's friends likely conspired against you. They probably had been telling your girlfriend she "could do so much batter" (young chicks love that line), and, when this guy came along, they encouraged her to take the opportunity. (Don't believe me? It's happened to me more than once.) That would mean your ex left you specifically to make herself available to this guy.

 

 

Anyways I found out that her "rebound" left her for his ex (whom he left to get with my her). Anyways she's heart broken and all caught up with the fact he left. I still haven't iniated contact, I heard all this from mutual friends.

 

So what I'm asking is what to do in this particular situation when I'm still interested in trying to work things out with her, before she moves onto someone else down the road.

 

Or should I just say f*** it, and just continue on my life without her, unless of course she contacts me. Then I'm in a whole new ball game

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Hey Brownstone, you commented on my thread and gave me advice to.

 

What you describes pretty much outlines what happened to me and my ex

 

 

 

Anyways I found out that her "rebound" left her for his ex (whom he left to get with my her). Anyways she's heart broken and all caught up with the fact he left. I still haven't iniated contact, I heard all this from mutual friends.

 

So what I'm asking is what to do in this particular situation when I'm still interested in trying to work things out with her, before she moves onto someone else down the road.

 

Or should I just say f*** it, and just continue on my life without her, unless of course she contacts me. Then I'm in a whole new ball game

I think what you should do is start your own thread lol u might get responses that way

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I think what you should do is start your own thread lol u might get responses that way

Dhor, CuZiNeeDYoU is right. This is his thread, and your comments have the makings of an excellent thread. So make one and start at the beginning and explain the whole thing. I'll get back to it when I can, and I think it'll attract comments from lots of people.

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Brownstone I know it sounds crazy to think that it wasn't a coincidence but with the way she explained to me I truly believe her now. I too though that it made no sense that this was alll just a coincidence, when we spoke about it on friday she said that on the night that she left me she actually had no intention of doing so, she just said I cant do this anymore... and being the * * * * * * * that I am I then told her how fine it would be with me if we parted ways and how I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I do think that her friends conspired against me, apparently she was crying a lot and they wanted to get her mind off things so they went to a bar and invited the guy. Honestly I wouldnt be telling you this unless i was almost certain of it, Ive known this girl for over 4 years and can easily tell when she's making up stuff.

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BI do think that her friends conspired against me, apparently she was crying a lot and they wanted to get her mind off things so they went to a bar and invited the guy. Honestly I wouldnt be telling you this unless i was almost certain of it, Ive known this girl for over 4 years and can easily tell when she's making up stuff.

Well, the conspiracy part (and its aftermath) amount to essentially the same thing. The friends certainly weren't in your corner. Anything but.

 

But think a bit harder on how it worked out. People I know who have been sincerely unhappy with a relationship went through a period of solitary contemplation. They went through a period of disillusionment where they were afraid to enter into anything more than a casual relationship. They may have "rebounded," but not the next day, and not into anything serious. (That's why "rebounds" have the dubious reputation that they do.)

 

Your ex, on the other hand, immediately went right back into "serious" mode with someone else at a time when she could have tried to work out matters with you. Some "breakups" are nothing more than a few days or weeks; they're just temporary misunderstandings. I've had those. But she made zero attempt to reconcile issues with you in those first critical weeks, because she was too busy having fun with someone else. And now she's apparently pining for the guy. Doesn't that make an impression on you? Instead you keep making excuses for her behavior, when in fact she's done nothing but mistreat you and doesn't seem too concerned about it

 

Sometimes (and this is probably one of those times) a touch of cynicism would serve you well. Assume she left you for someone else (one way or another, that's exactly what she did), and make her earn her way back into your life, not the other way around.

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