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Ex changed his facebook picture, and emailed me the next morning


cherryberry123

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I decided to cut off all contact with my ex 2 months ago after he told me he was starting to see someone new.

He broke it off 6 months ago, but I kept trying to hold onto him till he eventually just said "Look, I'm not giving you signs I still like you. You need to let go, I am seeing someone new". It hurt me like crazy, but I stopped contact..and deactivated my facebook so I wouldn't creep on his page.

Last week, I decided to reactivate my account and was completely shocked to see that his facebook picture was a snapshot of a sentimental gift I gave him. I bought it when he was upset at me, so I decided to buy him a teddy bear as an apology gift.

The next morning, I received an email from him asking me how I was doing. I thought he didn't want anything to do with me...

We have been emailing back in forth for a week now, but I don't know if this is a good idea...I have no idea what is running through his head.

 

So many thoughts came up in my head:

-Why the change in the facebook picture? (especially if he is seeing someone)

-Was this girl just made up to make me jealous?

-Why is he emailing me out of the blue? What are his intentions?

 

People have been saying "Maybe he just wants to see how you are"..nothing more...but if I were in a new relationship, I wouldn't even give a second thought of my ex.

Others have suggested maybe he's going through a rough patch with his girl, and needed someone to confide in...I don't think he's that type of person. He is a really nice guy.

 

It's more the facebook picture that is driving me nuts. Help please

 

I was thinking of stopping the email exchange, and see if he tries to contact me again...your thoughts?

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I can see that this kind of development would be irresistibly intriguing, but your wisest bet, both for your short-term mental well-being and for any "strategic" benefit you hope to gain vis a vis your ex, is to ignore it.

 

The Facebook picture is certainly interesting -- but you have no idea what's behind it. He knew you weren't on Facebook for a while, and didn't know when/if you would log back on, so the changed picture might well not have been intended for you to notice at all.

 

Imagine the worst case scenario: the bear that you gave him, which has sentimental value to you (and, you thought, to him) has become a silly prop in an on-going game or joke he has in his relationship with his new girlfriend. I certainly hope that's not the case ... but it's possible.

 

The emailing ... who knows. Renewed interest in you? Wish to have a crutch during a rough patch with his current gf? Feeling a bit guilty for telling you off a while back and wanting to feel like everyone is living happily ever after? You're only interested in interacting with him if he's interested in you again, right? But there are at least two other possibilities, probably more, that are just as if not more likely to be the case.

 

The beauty of emails from people who aren't in your daily life is that you can answer when/if you feel like it. If I were you I'd put him in "long turn-around correspondence." Imagine he's a guy you know from work or some other place -- somewhat unavoidable, not someone you want to offend, nice enough, but not someone you want to encourage. That seems like the right amount of attention and investment to have for someone who quite recently told you to move on and leave him alone. His tepid little overtures aren't worth much. You don't need to be rude, or blow him off entirely ... but don't get your hopes up. And don't let him become a part of your daily life (even if only by email). Focus that attention on finding a new guy to date -- like you said, if you were with someone else now, the ex would have far less significance. Find someone new!

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Imagine the worst case scenario: the bear that you gave him, which has sentimental value to you (and, you thought, to him) has become a silly prop in an on-going game or joke he has in his relationship with his new girlfriend. I certainly hope that's not the case ... but it's possible.

 

 

I'm not too sure about this game with his girlfriend idea. I mean, if my new boyfriend was doing this to me...I wouldn't appreciate him having a reminder of his ex as a prop.

 

 

I really appreciated your response and really got me thinking.

Yeah, maybe he didn't intend for me to see the facebook picture..but why the email right after? The email was sent literally the day after he decided to post the picture. I guess it reminded me of him, and was wondering what I was up to.

 

He is quite shy with his emotions from what I remember, so it would be extremely difficult for him to confess any feelings he has (wishful thinking on my part, I know)

 

Do you think it would be okay to assume that he has at least SOME interest if he decides to email me again after not receiving a response from me?

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The picture and e-mails clearly show that he's thinking of you, and certainly there is a good chance that he had some interest in you. But, you have to think about why you broke up. Perhaps I am getting the wrong impression, but it seems like you don't really want to continue talking to him because perhaps you'll fall for him again?

 

If you must keep in contact with him, keep it limited, and don't let something like this rule your thoughts too much. Perhaps respond only after a few days to keep your mind clear and your focus on other things that aren't him. Also, don't expect a second e-mail from him if you don't respond. That comes of as playing games, and it ends up just creating imaginary scenarios and drama.

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I'm not too sure about this game with his girlfriend idea. I mean, if my new boyfriend was doing this to me...I wouldn't appreciate him having a reminder of his ex as a prop.

 

I'm not suggesting that that is the most likely scenario -- I'm simply pointing out that it's possible. You have no idea what's going on with your ex's Facebook picture, or in his new relationship. While it might seem from your perspective that the FB picture must pertain to you in some way, it's possible that it has nothing at all to do with you. If you make decisions about how you want to interact with him now based on the assumption that the FB picture must be significant in a way that relates to you, you might be setting yourself up for a big disappointment. Just imagine if how you'd feel if you invested a few more weeks or months of hopeful communication with him, only to find out that the picture was just an in-joke that wasn't intended to convey anything to you.

 

Do you think it would be okay to assume that he has at least SOME interest if he decides to email me again after not receiving a response from me?

 

I think you'd be better off treating it as light, relatively insignificant interaction. If he intends it to be more, and your responses are friendly but not over-eager, he'll escalate. It does sound to me like you're letting your hope get the better of you ... but that's a very hard thing to control.

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... But, you have to think about why you broke up. Perhaps I am getting the wrong impression, but it seems like you don't really want to continue talking to him because perhaps you'll fall for him again?

 

The reason we broke is practically my fault, I can't even be mad at him for leaving. There was a lack of appreciation and fear of commitment on my part, and he got fed up/lost feelings.

I mean, losing him was probably the hardest thing I have endured.But, it drove me to get some counselling. I had this fear of commitment and subconsciously tried to push people away when they got too close. I finally faced my insecurities.I have completely changed from this whole experience, so the reason isn't what I'm concerned about. If we got together again, I know we would be great together...I have no doubt.

A part of me feels like I owe him at least email communication/friendship. He was the one being hurt during the relationship, but I ended up being burned at the end. He is a very caring guy, and it's hard to find a guy like him.

I've had previous breakups before, but this one just feels different.

I'm still debating on whether he's worth the risk of being in pain again....50/50 right now. I think I just fear the words, "I'm still seeing her and she makes me happy..."

 

I probably didn't make much sense...hahaha

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I'd say take your time no matter what you do. But let's be honest...you're gonna contact him. Of course you are. Any of us on here in your shoes would contact him so go ahead and do it. So to me the question now would be "how do you contact him?". I would say do as Uholala says and picture the worst case scenario and go in carefully with your shoulders hunched and your forehead down.

 

The truth is anything that we say as to why he had that fb picture would be some way out guess. I highly doubt that its somekind of inside joke. He would have to be an animal to do that, and she would have to be as well. So let the truth come from him. Just prepare yourself.

 

As for "more pain"? You only live once. You have to take a few blows on the chin in order to really live so...chin down...shoulders hunched...Keep your gloves up...go to work.

 

Hope that helps.

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As for "more pain"? You only live once. You have to take a few blows on the chin in order to really live so...chin down...shoulders hunched...Keep your gloves up...go to work.

 

Hope that helps.

 

I was taking into consideration what everyone has said. It honestly feels like I reopened Pandora's box...if you know what I mean. I was finally getting used to living my life, and then BAM!...Here he comes with an email. Now, he gives me a whole new set of questions to wonder. I try not to think too much into it, but it's hard. I had trouble sleeping yesterday..I just kept wondering if they are currently together and images of this mysterious gf and the ex doing intimate things ran through my head all night. I think I'm driving myself nuts...I should just stop contact.

I have to let go of this hope he will come back.

 

Have you been in a similar situation? Anyone still remain in contact with ex?

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I was taking into consideration what everyone has said. It honestly feels like I reopened Pandora's box...if you know what I mean. I was finally getting used to living my life, and then BAM!...Here he comes with an email. Now, he gives me a whole new set of questions to wonder. I try not to think too much into it, but it's hard. I had trouble sleeping yesterday..I just kept wondering if they are currently together and images of this mysterious gf and the ex doing intimate things ran through my head all night. I think I'm driving myself nuts...I should just stop contact.

I have to let go of this hope he will come back.

 

Have you been in a similar situation? Anyone still remain in contact with ex?

 

u know,im not so sure if hes still with that girl, and not so sure if his recontact is to fill up a void [he and that girl broke up]...either way, i believe its too early to tell, and that u shld not really maintain contact. tell him u need time and space to think through things

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I dont understand the fear here. Yonanz...are you saying that he broke up with his ex? If so why should the OP not just hear him out over the phone or coffee. OP, Why are you so certain that he is going to hurt you when he never wanted to break up in the first place? At this point I don't want to convince you ( i hope you don't feel pressured) I just don't understand why everyone is shouting "ignore him" when he was the injured party and by your accounts he is a great guy.

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I dont understand the fear here. Yonanz...are you saying that he broke up with his ex? If so why should the OP not just hear him out over the phone or coffee. OP, Why are you so certain that he is going to hurt you when he never wanted to break up in the first place? At this point I don't want to convince you ( i hope you don't feel pressured) I just don't understand why everyone is shouting "ignore him" when he was the injured party and by your accounts he is a great guy.

 

sorry sorry....i used my words wrongly for the last 2 sentence. what i meant was..this guy didnt do anything wrong. they broke up and he had the right to see someone esle. the real reason why NC is impt is because it can help her move on instead of continuing dwelling on him and also impt in helping her think through things more clearly. the fact that 4 months after breakup shes still contacting him and getting upset over him having another gf shows that shes still dwelling on him and putting her focus on him and what hes up to instead of focusing on herself and this is unhealthy. only a strict NC can help her get out of this rut...only she can make that first step.

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OP, Why are you so certain that he is going to hurt you when he never wanted to break up in the first place? At this point I don't want to convince you ( i hope you don't feel pressured) I just don't understand why everyone is shouting "ignore him" when he was the injured party and by your accounts he is a great guy.

 

He is an amazing guy and I can't blame him for leaving. I think I just got so badly burned by the end that I fear going through it again. You don't understand HOW bad...I basically failed my last semester because of this whole situation. I kid you not, I must have cried everyday. It was a never ending vicious cycle...School life was going horribly so I turned to the one person that was my support (my ex..who no longer could be that emotional support). My friends are away for school, so I really had no one to turn to. I know I sound like I'm trying to gain pity, but I take 100% blame for what happened. I got counseling to help me deal with this whole ordeal, so I'm getting better day by day. This whole breakup happened in September, and I'm still wounded..so you can imagine how bad it was at the beginning.

 

I'll give you an outline of events that happened so you get a better picture:

 

We met October 2008

 

July-August 2009: Started seeing a difference in him...kept asking if something is bothering him, but every time he would say "no"

 

September 2009: Told me he didn't feel the same anymore; School started

(Note: I tried to hold onto him for the whole semester. When I would try to stop contact, he would get upset at me..and I would cave)

 

End of December 2009: Told me he was starting to see someone new

 

Start of January 2010: He gave me the whole "I'm not giving you any signs I like you, you need to move on." ; The most devastating thing happened...I wanted him to give me a call one evening. He calls at 10pm but immediately hung up. I tried calling him back but he kept denying my calls. I eventually received a call from him at 12 at night, I asked where he was. His response? "I was at her house...". It kills me every time I think back to that night. I finally did something smart for once and finally stopped contacting him from the night forward.

 

Middle of Feb 2010: I msged him on IM just to see how he was..told him I was getting help. (I know, dumb move) ; I apologized for the past but he told me to let that go.

 

March (right now): As you know, he changed his facebook picture to the teddy I gave him and received an email from him the next day. I am completely confused at this point.

 

what i meant was..this guy didnt do anything wrong. they broke up and he had the right to see someone esle. the real reason why NC is impt is because it can help her move on instead of continuing dwelling on him and also impt in helping her think through things more clearly. the fact that 4 months after breakup shes still contacting him and getting upset over him having another gf shows that shes still dwelling on him and putting her focus on him and what hes up to instead of focusing on herself and this is unhealthy. only a strict NC can help her get out of this rut...only she can make that first step.

 

I completely agree with both of you. But yeah, I think I served my time...He was hurt, and so was I in the end. Hopefully we both learned from the experience. It just bothers me he would email me and change the facebook picture as a reminder. I don't think he realizes how cruel that is...He is the one who told me to let go, so he needs to rid of that stuff. I am sure he is quite aware of the "value" of that gift, that's probably the MOST sentimental comes-from-the-heart gift I ever gave him.

I should move on even though it will be hard. I think I just felt like I owed him something...that his feelings come before mine. I was being treated like a rag doll, and I can't let him do that anymore.

He may still be with that girl, but I don't think I can torture myself anymore. I don't know what he wants.

I haven't replied to him, if he wants to talk to me again..he knows how to reach me.

I know I wasn't the nicest person to him and I've learned my lesson. I'm glad you guys aren't putting me down and judging me...

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I think many of the ex pings are this.

 

I don't think he feels any guilt at all, to be honest. Not once has he apologized, but I'm not really expecting one...I hurt him during the relationship. He did what was best for him.

I don't really think he realizes to what extent he hurt me either. I haven't really told him.

 

I just wish he didn't even bother with the email or facebook picture...

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Honestly...from your timeline...he DOES sound like a jerk. I dont like the way he moved on. And I don't like the things he said to you. I mean what was your part in all of this. Did you boil his live rabbit?

 

I don't really think he realizes to what extent he hurt me either.

 

How can he not realize that the things he did hurt? Shoot, just reading it hurt me!

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Its a question many people ask when their partner finishes with them...do you understand how much pain im in,how hurt i am etc...people can be very selfish when it comes to relationships and only time apart will allow the person to feel regret or not.

 

The picture is a strange one. Many people can just mess with your head etc id ignore it,as if he wanted to apologise he would get in touch. He is keeping you hanging on by doing that and in my opinion,not worth it.

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Honestly...from your timeline...he DOES sound like a jerk. I dont like the way he moved on. And I don't like the things he said to you. I mean what was your part in all of this. Did you boil his live rabbit?

 

 

 

How can he not realize that the things he did hurt? Shoot, just reading it hurt me!

 

Oh man, I made him sound like a jerk...He really isn't. I mean, he TRIED to be there for me but I'm assuming he didn't want to give me false hope. His feelings have diminished for me, so it's expected that he wouldn't be so eager to be there as often...I think anyone in his position would do the same. He was in a tough position. I'm sure he eventually just got fed up with me latching onto him when he wanted to move on, so he had to get blunt...

I took a lot of things forgranted from him and I guess I didn't show him how I felt about him. He got tired of waiting? To be honest, I was hesitant to be with him. Why? Early on in the friendship, I found a conversation he was having with a friend talking about how many girl's numbers he has on his phone and how he was chasing one of them (me)..and he was going out for lunch with another girl (my classmate). I never expected something like that from him...He seemed like such a respectable guy, who values women. I confronted him about it, but he couldn't defend himself...there was nothing he can say to justify his actions.

Sure, this conversation was old...and he eventually went gaga over me...but I couldn't get over that conversation. It didn't help that I found his porn later. All men watch porn, but I just never expected it from him... I guess I put too much expectations on him, I dunno..

 

How did he not realize? I guess he thought I didn't care about him, therefore, I wouldn't be affected by it? I clearly remember telling him THIS was the hardest thing I have ever endured and I never felt so alone...but he said "I'm sure it's not the hardest thing. You dated someone for 4 yrs..."

The 4 yr breakup was nothing to me, and I knew this current ex for 8 months..and the impact he made of me is incredible. It goes to show time isn't everything...I would rather endure/repeat the 4 yr breakup a million times than go through half of what I went through with my 8 month ex. I feel like I lost something so valuable, and its painful knowing I can never get it back...ouch.

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I agree with you its about the impact of a person. Ive had a few girlfriends but never feel like this,this is a first for me logging onto a site and im 28! Time heals but dpnt make excuses for him..never look at what you did wrong..you are who you are,somebody will see that one day and love ya for who you are

 

Same with me, I have never turned to the internet for support till this whole ordeal happened.

I've been having a range of emotions...Some days I think "I deserve better than him, his loss the next day I would think "Oh man, I miss him and it was all my fault just can't seem to make a consistent decision with this.

 

I want men's opinions..what would make them want to post a facebook picture as a reminder of an ex? I know for a fact that it was a reminder of me since he emailed me the very next day after he decided to post it. Are men different from women when it comes to breakups?

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I'm not a man, but I wanted to add my two cents.

The more I think about it the more i doubt he could possibly be with her and do that. The only way he could is if 1) she doesnt know what it is 2) he doesn't respect her 3) he is the type of man who would both stay with someone he doesn't respect and also do something hurtful to them just because "they'll never know".

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I'm not a man either but maybe I think like one.

 

I don't like this type of guy. I agree with Scottishguy81.

 

Is it too obvious to suggest that you simply ask this D-bag what his intentions are behind posting the picture?

 

Here's what I got from your story:

 

1. He tells you to move on

2. You do

3. He posts a provocative picture and then asks you how you're doing

 

Guessing the reason or intent behind his actions is crazy-making when it doesn't match the words. It is very difficult to relate to people whose words don't match their actions.

 

I don't know his reasons and I don't care. It's manipulative. If he wants to man up and get to talking to you again in an honorable way, that is one thing. But posting the picture is a power play. He has decided he cannot deal with you as an equal, so he chooses to put his thumb on the scale of power by introducing this confusing variable.

 

People like this are toxic and dangerous. Don't believe for one second that he doesn't mean to upset or confuse you. We are all accountable for our actions. It is wise to treat people as if they are also. If he's good enough to email, he's good enough for you to ask him, what is up with posting the pic of the apology teddy bear as a profile picture?

 

If you're too afraid of losing his sporadic contact to ask him this, then please look at that in yourself and ask what such a person adds to your life.

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are you sure he's still with someone??

 

I am not sure at all! I still have feelings for the guy, and I don't want him to lead me into thinking I have a chance.

I got some advice telling me to casually ask how his girlfriend is but that's making it obvious I'm still interested. I don't want to give him an ego boost, and I'm keeping my guard up.

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If he wants to man up and get to talking to you again in an honorable way, that is one thing. But posting the picture is a power play.

 

I'm not sure if i agree with this...I he had only posted the picture, and then waited on the other side for days laughing evilly like Mr. Burns "Excellent". Then I would say he was messing with you.

 

He posted the pic and then contacted you ( take this with a grain of salt. I've skipped a few pages before posting )

 

But he both posted the teddy bear and then tried to contact you to speak to him. More likely he wants to make an effort to contact you and the posting of the Teddy Bear was a way of putting in public whatever his intentions ( which are clear as day to him but confusing the hell out of like 15 people on ENA ) are. Or encourage you to talk to him.

 

Don't take our word for it. Or even your own. Let your memories of you ex make you optomistic or not about whether his intentions are good and then just cough up the courage to find out what it is.

I DO agree with Squirl however on that you need to just ask him whats up with that photo on fb. DO NOT ask him whats up with his ex directly. Once he tells you why he put that pic up, you can say ( with a concerned look ) "aren't you afraid of how she'll take it?".

 

I really feel like his interest in you is a positive thing. But i would hate to steer you wrong.

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Wow, I was kinda speechless reading your post...harsh but quite the eye opener. never really thought of him as being toxic, but when I think about it...he has been toxic in my life lately. Here I am talking about some man who dumped me. I let him practically rule my life for the last couple of months, and I shouldn't let him.

 

Don't believe for one second that he doesn't mean to upset or confuse you.

 

That sentence is a bit too harsh, I think. I am confident 99% he wouldn't do such a thing...He wouldn't hurt a fly. Although he caused me pain, he couldn't control it...He wasn't happy, and he did what was best for him.

 

That's why this boggles my mind...I KNOW he wouldn't want to hurt me/annoy me by posting something so valuable. He has something on his mind, but he's very shy/secretive when it comes to stuff like this.

 

I was thinking of asking him, but I'm too passive. I don't want to give him the impression that he still has control over me (which he obviously still does).

 

I'm probably just going to stop replying to his email, and try to move forward. He knows where to find me again if he chooses to contact me again.

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( which are clear as day to him but confusing the hell out of like 15 people on ENA )

 

I laughed out loud reading this. It's like a never ending "guess what" game...

 

Asking him will probably be so much easier...but I feel like he wouldn't admit to anything. As mentioned, he has trouble expressing thoughts clearly. Even with the breakup, he kept making up excuses and avoiding the topic. I can sense there was something wrong, but he would never admit to anything.

Really? If an ex asked me and there was underlying feelings, I wouldn't admit to anything..especially if I dumped them and was wishing them back.I think it's the whole "dignity/pride" thing.

 

 

Also note:

 

Our emails are practically going no where. Our replies are 1-2 sentences practically.There is no substance to it..

It's like..

 

"Hey. How are you? How's school?"

"Good. Just keep busy. How about you?"

"Same. Have any summer plans?"

"Just going to work and stuff. You?"

"No plans yet. Going to school. How's your pet dog?"

"He's great, still the same. How is your pet?"

 

I shortened it down, but you get the idea...It's like a really boring convo that isn't going anywhere. I can't sense what his intentions are. I think both of us are keeping our guard up, making it awkward...

 

I read other ppl's forums..and they always state their exes make their intentions pretty clear from the start. "Hey, I missed you. I still think about you etc etc."

Mine is nothing like that..so I am kinda having doubts about him missing me, at all. Confused,

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