Stop thinking of people as potential "mates"

[aesop921]

How do you stop? I constantly receive advice like this, especially stuff where you should just stop looking, and I've tried very hard to do this. How am I supposed to not think of an extremely attractive girl as anything else? How do I not think about it at all?

[newwave]

Just think of people as friends. My experience has been that the best relationships develop from friends. I know people often disagree but not me. That's one reason why I'm letting things develop between me and my one friend. He may become more, he may not, but even if he does it will take time.

[aesop921]

Just think of people as friends.

 

How though? How? How? HOW?

[newwave]

How though? How? How? HOW?

 

Just stop thinking of it. I know, easier said than done, but makes you feel better. Unless you are desperate to get married then let thing progress.

[aurevoir]

Good question.....

ignore her attractiveness. Look for a flaw? I don't know

I know a guy like you, he sees every girl as a mate. and then it never works out and het gets all sour about it.

be her friend first!

[aesop921]

Okay, the problem here is I know I'm not supposed to be thinking about it.

 

So that means the minute I walk onto campus and see a million babes, I automatically think to myself, "Okay, think of them as friends, even though they're all super hot and you're super desperate"

 

That makes me think about how I'm supposed to be thinking of them as only potential friends as opposed to mates, but then I automatically shift to thinking about them as mates regardless of what I do. I have no self-discipline or control in my thinking habits and I've made extreme efforts to build some control.

[newwave]

Just think to yourself "that person might be fun to take to the movies". After all, friends go to the movies. If you are in college, don't even worry about mates. You have time and have fun dating.

[flyoffthewall]

Hi Aesop,

 

I frequently have this problem and have been trying hard to nip it in the bud. To this end, at the suggestion of another ENA thread, I recently read "How to Be Happy No Matter What" by Richard Karlson. I picked up a few helpful tips and ideas as a result.

 

Karlson believes that the fulfillment of desire can never make you happy, except in the short term--but it can feed your habits/addiction and lack of discipline. I agree and this is a powerful revelation for me, in retrospect. He doesn't necessarily advocate for not noticing the babes -- just reminding yourself that they will not make you a happy person in the long term in and of themselves. Similarly, he notes that our thoughts entirely create our reality. Thus, people with our "babe predilection" go from a thought ("I'm so desperate for love and I wish that I was with a beautiful woman like that") to an emotion ("I feel worthless not having someone like her in my life") to a mood (low). He notes that, unfortunately, we are most motivated to take action in our low moods, but that that is the worst time to take action.

 

So, to sum up, Karlson says (and I find this helpful) that we have to remain aware that our thoughts will control us and our reality unless we are vigilant. When you see someone hot, you have to remind yourself that it is OK to think that, but that this person will not ultimately make you happy -- you have to find your happiness and understand what you want in your life. Once you get to know the babe, you will find out whether you just are feeding your own lust or whether there is more to her that will make her a life companion (either short or long term).

 

I hope that this helps -- it is helping me to keep all of this in mind.

[Elsewhere]

maybe imagine she's your sister or cousin? or that's she's married and unavailable...

[Seraphim]

Or just think of them as a human being not a girl. We are all human beings first.

[aesop921]

Okay, well viewing them as anything other than an attractive girl is not something I feel like I am literally capable of doing. I've really tried to, but I can't convince myself to believe this. I don't possess the knowledge on how to actually do this, and I don't know how to gain this knowledge.

[dr_styles]

This doesn't really solve the problem, but I had to start telling myself there will always be a beautiful/attractive girl seen pretty much everyday, and that is true after thinking about it. Actually I think this for a lot of situations now, whether it be hating myself for not taking a chance (even if it was minute to begin with), or when I get those jealous cynical feelings of how I feel completely cheated in life when it comes to love/relationships/sex.