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BF hung up on me.. I am so ANGRY right now.


hkitty

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I need advice on how to handle this.

 

My bf called me tonight like he usually does when he finishes work. He had a long day.. worked from 9am till 11:30pm (he's a restaurant manager). The tone of his voice didn't sound too happy.. more like tired but I was guessing he had a long hard day at work so I let it go. I was telling him about how I went out last night and I stayed till closing at the club. He seemed a little annoyed that I stayed out till 4am but I've done it before so I don't know what's the big deal plus he was working last night or else I would of spent time with him. Anyways I was telling him a story about something but he couldn't hear me cause I guess his phone was breaking up but he kept saying "What?" And I kept repeating myself and then I got annoyed and said "Gawd what the f* why can't you hear me?" I guess I said it in a not so nice tone but he got mad quick and just said "You know what nevermind, I'll talk to u later" and then HUNG UP on me. The reason I even snapped was because he didn't sound very happy on the phone.. yes I understand he had a long day at work, but I mean even when I'm tired from work I sound happy to talk to him.

 

Anyways after he hung up on me I was furious and thought it was so rude of him. I called him back but i think he had already turned his phone off. So I wrote him a txt saying how it was rude for him to hang up on me and I understand that he had a long day but he didn't have to do that. When he does call me back.. how should I react. Honestly, I feel like he was being disrespectful to me. I think he's been stressed out these past several weeks cause he's going on a business trip soon to help open up a new restaurant in a foreign country.. but still.. he should take my feelings into consideration. Please help me. I need advice on how to deal with this. I'm so angry right now, the only thing I want to do is call him back and yell at him but i know that wont solve anything..

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Hun, I really don't think there's anything to yell at him for.

 

Try to see it from his point of view: He's had a terrible day, he's dead tired & he feels comfortable enough with you not to have to put on a falsely cheerful voice & fake it. The conversation consists of him telling you how stressful work has been & then listening to you talk about the fun you've had the night before while he was stuck at work. He tries to be patient but the bad cell connection is getting to both of you at the end of a long day. Then you snap/cuss at him for having to ask you to repeat yourself because of a bad connection, which is completely out of his control. The result is: he doesn't exactly hang up on you but gives up & tells you he'll talk to you later.

 

I honestly think the right thing to do would be to apologize to him tomorrow and then gently mention that his abrupt end to your convo. hurt your feelings.

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So,

 

your boyfriend is wrecked and exhausted after working a 14-hour long shift on the heels of working the previous night too. You proceed to go on about how you had a wild night of partying and clubbing while he was breaking his back at work.

 

Then his reception goes bad, which is something that he has absolutely no control over, and you snap and swear at him over it.

 

If I were your boyfriend, I would have hung up on you, switched off my phone, and the first free moment I had, I would have sat you down and given you a very serious talk about how selfish, self-involved and inconsiderate you were.

 

And the second time it happened, you would be gone.

 

Judging by your previous threads, you are getting far more than second chances with this guy, which I think it's nice for you. But the question is, what are you learning from all this? Do you want to learn anything from all this? Do you think you are entitled to something else?

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I think you were totally in the wrong, to be honest. He had worked a fourteen hour shift, and you swore at him at the end of it because he couldn't hear you telling him the fun you had been having at a club? Yikes.

 

No, he's not the one to apologise, in my opinion - it's *you*!

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I agree with everyone else's posts on here. You were the one out of line and not understanding what he was going through. You were the one who was rude to hm by cursing him out over something that was out of his control. Did you even ask him what happened at work that he feels so stressed about. There was no concern on your end for how he was feeling...if he didn't sound happy you should have shown concern that he seemed stressed and tired rather than making this all about you.

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Ok I see your guys' point.. but it's hard because this past week I barely got to see him cause of work.. and I guess it just built up inside me and then I just snapped. Like before this week, everything was going great and we were going out and doing things I wanted to do. And then this weekend his attitude is just so low. I'm honestly trying to be understanding.. but its hard when he sounds not so happy talking to me. I'm also majorly pmsing and getting really emotional.. more so than normal. Even tonight I just bursted out crying after he hung up on me. This is taking a toll on me. I guess I'm too stubborn.. I probably should appologize but I feel so disrespected for being hung up on. He could of just told me that he didn't like my attitude or something instead.

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OP.

 

So.....you would say he has no right to be upset at you for going out clubbing to the early hours of the morning while he works long hours and by the sound of things really trying to make something out of himself?

 

If there is one thing you should not have done, talk about how you went clubbing till 4am when he had been working so hard.

 

When someone is put through what he had been through, they tend to get sensitive when someone talks about their leisure time and if you had been out for all that time, you must have had a great time without a doubt.

 

Work on consideration.

If he asks you about what you did and had a great time, keep it your story short and just talk about him and how you may not be able to do such long hours and understand his tiredness.

As far as his profession goes....I know it can get REAL stressful as I have been there.

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It also bothers me that his job is taking up his life.. but I can't even talk about that anymore cause it just causes us to fight. I'm proud of all the work he does but it just sucks because right now it takes so much of his time..

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Ok I see your guys' point.. but it's hard because this past week I barely got to see him cause of work.. and I guess it just built up inside me and then I just snapped. Like before this week, everything was going great and we were going out and doing things I wanted to do. And then this weekend his attitude is just so low. I'm honestly trying to be understanding.. but its hard when he sounds not so happy talking to me. I'm also majorly pmsing and getting really emotional.. more so than normal. Even tonight I just bursted out crying after he hung up on me. This is taking a toll on me. I guess I'm too stubborn.. I probably should appologize but I feel so disrespected for being hung up on. He could of just told me that he didn't like my attitude or something instead.

 

It can't always be about doing things you want to do... If you are supportive & a comfort to him when he goes through times like this, you might find him happier to speak with you & making more of an effort to spend time with you. Just imagine- you say it's taking a toll on you... what if you were the one actually having to pull the 14 hr shifts?

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You're right.. I probably shouldn't have said all that. But I really didnt think it would be that big of a deal to him cause he doesn't even like going clubbing. I see your point though. I'm out having fun while hes busting his ass at work. But hes always about work work work.. and yes he does spends his days off with me and takes me out. So he is considerate at times. But I guess from my point of view, I think work is important too but, the relationship should be just as important. I like to work hard, but I also like to enjoy life. He's always so stressed and focused on work that I just wish he could relax more often and im sure he wishes he could too but the type of work he does gives him very little of that. He told me that things will change later on when he gets a better schedule or when he finds a new job. Anyways, thanks for your opinion.. it gives me a better understanding of where he is coming from.

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Would you rather he not be able to prepare for a good future? The restaurant business is tough and long hours, but when things are in place a person is able to kick back a bit more. You have to sacrifice sometimes in life for good things. You sound a bit spoiled. When he has a long hard day, it would be nice if you could be all over him with a loving, caring, kind attitude. He will definitely show you how much he appreciates that.

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Like before this week, everything was going great and we were going out and doing things I wanted to do. And then this weekend his attitude is just so low.

 

So last week you were getting what you wanted from him = everything is great.

 

This week he is exhausted and overworked and does not sound as delighted to hear about your 4am clubbing as you demand = you get to swear at him.

 

It just sounds so... spoiled and ugly and actually kinda mean. You love this guy, I assume, so how come you seem so utterly unaware of his needs and so utterly focused on your whims?

 

I probably should appologize but I feel so disrespected for being hung up on. He could of just told me that he didn't like my attitude or something instead.

 

He could have. He could have also dumped you on the spot. My guess is that he is running low on Extra Saintly Consideration after episodes like last night, or the time when he had to go for lunch with his step mum and you reacted by guilt-tripping him, comparing him to other guys, saying things to purposefully hurt him and throwing his stuff around.

 

Everyone's patience has a limit. You are not entitled to more.

 

I ask you about entitlement again, because I think it's the key to your situation. What do you feel you are entitled to? Do you think you deserve more understanding, patience and kindness than he does? Could it be that you feel you deserve more because you are.... *gasp*... the girl?

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I agree with everyone's posts in this thread. The poor guy is exhausted and then he gets sworn at and yelled at for something out of his control. Did you even ask him about his day and show any understanding/consideration? Give the guy a break and also, apologize for the text and in general for what happened.

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Well I wouldn't say I deserve more.. but I feel that I am a very loving girlfriend. I am always thinking about him, our future and what would make him happy. And there are times where I just feel like some of my needs aren't being met and he is too absorbed in his work.. so I feel neglected and unloved.

 

I will say though, I probably do *sometimes* maybe act like I deserve to have it my way but I have a lot of anger built from the past with him. We didn't have a good relationship before.. in fact we broke up for 3 months, and then he dated someone else only to realize that he still loved me and made the biggest mistake of his life for breaking up with me. I got back with him under certain conditions.. and that was him being more respectful, understanding, loving etc etc.. so far its been more than a year since we've been back together and he has definitely changed and I feel like I have changed too. But I sometimes hold on to the past thinking how could he do that to me and hurt me so many times.. which is why I act the way I do. Anyways, I know I should let go of the past cause the past is the past. I see everyone's point.. I will appologize tomorrow when he calls me.

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Actually I did ask him how his day was. Thats like usually the first thing I ask him but he didn't seem like he didn't want to go to in depth with it.. he just sounded exhausted. So I figure I would talk about my night to keep the convo going.

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I think you should actually apologize to him for sending that text and not being as understanding. It was not necessary and you have no reason to be angry at him. Granted, he shouldn't have hung upon you, but I understand where he is coming from.

 

I think you need to me more compassionate and considerate towards him. He is obviously going through a tough stressful time, I have never worked in a restaurant, but I do have a job that at times requires many,many long hours and last thing I'd want after working 14 hrs is to have someone nag me. Even if it is my partner.

 

If I were you, I'd send him a text or call and tell him something along the lines of " Darling, I want to apologize for being so inconsiderate and selfish last night for not taking your feelings into count. I realize you're going through a tough stressful time right now, and want you to know I'm here for you. Last night wasn't a very good night, please accept my sincere apology and know I love you. I'm going to work on how I treat you in the future. "

 

Obviously, you have to mean it, otherwise it's just a bunch of words, but if I did what you did, I'd say that to my partner and throw in a meal or something too.

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Well I wouldn't say I deserve more.. but I feel that I am a very loving girlfriend. I am always thinking about him, our future and what would make him happy. And there are times where I just feel like some of my needs aren't being met and he is too absorbed in his work.. so I feel neglected and unloved.

 

You're kind of contradicting yourself now, because just a few posts away you said this

 

it's hard because this past week I barely got to see him cause of work.. and I guess it just built up inside me and then I just snapped. Like before this week, everything was going great and we were going out and doing things I wanted to do. And then this weekend his attitude is just so low.

 

Seems to me that when he gives you all the attention you're happy, as soon as it's not about you and going out with you, you're not happy.

There has to be balance in order for a relationship to work. You're being selfish!

 

 

Actually I did ask him how his day was. Thats like usually the first thing I ask him but he didn't seem like he didn't want to go to in depth with it.. he just sounded exhausted. So I figure I would talk about my night to keep the convo going.

 

When ever my partner had a bad day, I would always try to ask him about his day, what happened, how he is feelings, what he is thinking and what his plans are for tomorrow. If he is super tired, you can easily say "Honey, I see you're tired, please go to bed and have some rest".

 

Talking about the "fun" you had, would naturally agitate him. It would agitate me also.

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This is the most important thing you are going to learn about relationships:

 

Your partner is not your lightning rod for stress or emotional issues, nor are they obligated to listen to you babble on about every little detail in your day. It is nice when they can provide support, but they are a person with needs too, and not your shrink or your mother.

 

And he didn't hang up on you, there was a bad connection, so what was the point of continuing to talk anyway? I do that all the time when i get a bad cell phone connection, i just tell the person i'll call them later. He didn't do anything wrong.

 

Remember, no matter how much you wanted to talk to him, he is not REQUIRED to talk to you since you are not paying him as a shrink. You have to find the maturity to understand that everything isn't about you, and sometimes phone connections go bad, and sometimes people are too tired to interact with you, and just because you're in the mood to talk to him or are feeling needy doesn't mean that he is able to talk to you, or should even try.

 

Many young women make this serious mistake with men, where they think the man's job is to be there so they can cry in his lap about a hangnail anytime they feel like this. This seriously turns men off and overwhelms them and frankly kills the intimacy, since a relationship is a two way street and not one person constantly caretaking the other person and dancing attendance on their every whim.

 

So just recognize you were wrong here. It's too bad you were frustrated, but that's life, and life will be full of frustrations that you need to learn to handle without dumping on your boyfriend when he was exhausted. And you should have accepted that he was exhausted and it was a bad time to talk and let him go, rather than getting mad and expecting him to apologize to you becuase he couldn't control the cell phone signal... really, you may not see that, but that is exactly what this is about.

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Wow. hkitty. Let's turn this around for a moment.

 

Let's say you're working your behind off every day, chasing your dream. You're constantly working, you're exhausted...

 

And then you're talking to your boyfriend, who doesn't really show an interest in empathizing with how you feel, but rather wants to tell you how you were partying until dawn. Then, he blames you for crappy cellphone reception and cusses at you, like there's anything you can do about it. Does that sound like something you'd enjoy dealing with?

 

You, my dear, come accross as totally spoiled and that everything should be revolving around you. Frankly, from everything I've read of your threads, I'd have sent you packing awhile ago. You need to put the tiara back in a box, put it on the shelf, and try thinking past the bridge of your nose. You'll be happier, your boyfriend will be happier. We reading these threads will be happier.

 

Everyone wins.

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I'm also majorly pmsing and getting really emotional.. more so than normal. Even tonight I just bursted out crying after he hung up on me.

I'm not going to add to what everyone else has said on here, because I think you've realised what the consensus is! Apart from to say that PMS can often make us irrational and that once it's shifted your perspective on this will likely be different.

 

Don't try to contact him in any way until you feel calmer; you are not in a good place right now and blasting this poor, exhausted guy with a whole raft of YOUR feelings, when you clearly don't feel able to consider HIS, will not do your relationship any good. Give it a few days, and then apologise if you can.

 

Meanwhile, be nice to yourself. If you're feeling a bit rough - about all sorts of things - you're unlikely to have any good feelings to give to him.

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I agree with everyone else, but I can sympathize with you a bit. It can be hard when you get your boyfriend on the phone and he just doesn't sound interested in talking.

 

That being said, I just looked over your previous threads, and it seems you have a tendency to overreact, get angry, cause fights, and then blame your boyfriend for them. Almost all of your previous threads read just like this one - you coming on here explaining why you are mad at your boyfriend, and most everyone replying that your boyfriend should be mad at you, and that you owe him an apology. I think this is really something you need to work on - not getting angry and picking fights and then expecting your boyfriend to apologize for you. It seems you don't know how to express concern for him, or how to express that you are feeling hurt without blowing up at him. I think you really need to get a handle on this, because this could be very detrimental to your relationship - it will just wear your boyfriend out until he can't deal with it anymore.

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You seem to have a hair-trigger temper that is sooner or later going to cost you your relationship. I think you should consider taking some anger-management courses in order to learn to control it.

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I have had this happen to ME where i am working my butt off, come home exhausted, and dealt with a laid off b/f wanting to tell me about his little fun loving day (he had a lot of money saved and rich family so no working didn't impact his ability to have fun all day!) and i admit it irritated the hell out of me. Needless to say we are no longer together, this was a big part of why too. (even he wasnt partying til 4am, however).

 

I'd have hung up on you too. Do you have any idea how grueling his job of managing a restaurant might be and you are mad he didn't want to hear about you partying while he had to work?

 

Sounds like you have a lot of growing up to do. I think you should apologize to him and try to remember in the future that when he works hard that is not the time to force him into listening to your partying excursions.

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