Jump to content

Dont understand why some people break up and not give 2nd chances??


yonanz

Recommended Posts

Hi all,

 

I have been going throuh a rollar coaster of emotions since my break up with my gf of 4 years 2 weeks ago. today im feeling pretty darn angsty.

 

recently i had a chat with a good female friend who recently dumped her bf of 3 plus years. we exchanged our views on both our breakups, from a dumpee's perspectives and a dumper's perspectives.

 

she mentioned sth which made me super irked. she says she still misses him, and wonders why he hasnt tried to contact her. she also says whenever she buys food, she feels like buying one more set [cuz she used to buy him lunch everyday in school last time]. when i hear this i was quite pissed deep inside.

 

why isit that you still have feelings and you miss him and all that bs, you still chose to breakup with him?

 

yes, sometimse guys make mistakes. unfortunately, these sorta mistakes can only be realised when ITS TOO LATE. yes, thats right. most serious, stupid mistake can only be realised when its too late.how many of u guys, upon the point of breakup or thereafter, think how much better this r/s is going to be if given a 2nd chance? i am thinking, damn if only i had a 2nd chance, this r/s is going to be way better than ever before, but our partners just wanna take the easy way out, instead of resolving, trying to repair things ,breakup is the option they have chosen. why is it that sometimes after so many years of love and intimacy, they cant give us that 2nd chance to make things right again? i mean, we all make mistaes, but most imptantly, we learn from them, and in a paradoxical manner, we can only grow in a r/s through quarrels and mistakes. its true, mistakes allow each other to realise our flaws, cherish each other more, and set boundaries. i just wonder why cant my gf give me a 2 nd chance.

 

sorrie i just feel like ranting. anyone feels the same? that if he/she gives me one more chance im SOOOO gona make this r/s better than b4?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Think of it this way, sometimes leaving a relationship that isn't working is actually harder than staying. Your friend misses a lot of things in her former relationship. But the things that made her leave are far outweighing whatever might bring her back.

 

People don't usually leave a relationship they have invested years in easily (unless they are "sociopaths"). Often, you have a situation where years of grievances build until the person's frustration, anger, and/or loss of attraction, love far outweighs the benefits of staying. So, they grieve the relationship, note what they do not want in future relationships, and try to move on. When you grieve a relationship from someone, it's very hard to give it a second chance because you have realized all the things you don't like about them. Often you have lost attraction to them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hmm... when you say serious, stupid mistakes are you referring to infidelity?

 

I have a feeling you might be...or at least something equally bad. And in that case I think you also have to consider this question: Why, if somebody really loved and respected their partner would they ever risk their relationship or hurting their SO?

 

Plus, a lot of women have been in at least one previous relationship where she heard "baby, if you take me back, I promise I'll change!" only to be hurt over... and over again.

 

Not saying this is definitely the case with you, just speaking as someone who was once in the "one strike- you're out!" position.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with OP. I find it hard that my ex didn't want to sit down and try work things out and address the reasons why we fell apart before dumping me. I mean 4 years of intimacy and love and you don't want to sort it out? I think Ms Darcy hit it home though, the reasons for leaving outweigh every other feeling.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with OP. I find it hard that my ex didn't want to sit down and try work things out and address the reasons why we fell apart before dumping me. I mean 4 years of intimacy and love and you don't want to sort it out? I think Ms Darcy hit it home though, the reasons for leaving outweigh every other feeling.

 

Thats their sign of being immature...

 

I only see two reasons:

 

1. They think that they will just hurt you if they will tell you their reasons.

 

2. They dont have any reasons at all...

 

On our side being a dumpee, because we didn't see it coming (the break up) thats why we are in need of an explanation "WHY?", but on their side, they have already thinked about it, maybe longer than what you may think and once they pulled the trigger, theres no turning back...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Every situation is different. If the dumpee really messed up and that is why the dumper ended the relationship then it is very possible the dumper tried and tried throughout the relationship to talk about what the dumpee was doing that was causing problems...very often the dumpee in this case was getting lots and lots of chances to improve the behaviours but the dumpee never made those changes and just kept repeating the bad behaviours until the dumper had enough and ended the relationship. Often when someone is doing hurtful things to their partner, they continue to do it no matter what the partner says, because the partner is still sticking around and the other person feels they can get away with it and do what they want. It is only when the partner has had enough and walks away that the person suddenly wakes up and says I will change (but often the change is just long enough to get the partner back and then they revert back to the bad behaviours).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thats their sign of being immature...

 

I only see two reasons:

 

1. They think that they will just hurt you if they will tell you their reasons.

 

2. They dont have any reasons at all...

 

On our side being a dumpee, because we didn't see it coming (the break up) thats why we are in need of an explanation "WHY?", but on their side, they have already thinked about it, maybe longer than what you may think and once they pulled the trigger, theres no turning back...

 

Wait, how can you say it's immaturity? We don't even know how awful the mistakes that were made actually were. The OP has been a bit vague on this point. And certainly each situation is different.

 

For example (and just an example, this is NOT speculation on the OP) What about a man who carried on an affair for half of his 3 yr. relationship? What about a man who comes home one night after a couple yrs and takes his temper out on his wife by punching her in the eye? Granted these examples are extreme but I think we have to consider that some things are unforgivable. Sometimes the penalty for your mistake is that you don't get a second chance.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wait, how can you say it's immaturity? We don't even know how awful the mistakes that were made actually were. The OP has been a bit vague on this point. And certainly each situation is different.

 

For example (and just an example, this is NOT speculation on the OP) What about a man who carried on an affair for half of his 3 yr. relationship? What about a man who comes home one night after a couple yrs and takes his temper out on his wife by punching her in the eye? Granted these examples are extreme but I think we have to consider that some things are unforgivable. Sometimes the penalty for your mistake is that you don't get a second chance.

 

If thats the situation then theres nothing to talk to... Unless you let the things passed and forgive each other... For me, the OP means why most of the dumpers dont give second chances, or doesnt bother to talk things if theres still a way to fix the problem...

 

Im assuming that if theres any mistake that the OP did, I think it's not to extent like those unforgivable mistakes...

 

Sorry if I offended anyone...

 

 

Edit:

 

look... If the dumper tried to resolve things, or talked to the dumpee before they resort to breaking up, then why does the OP is asking why the dumper choses the easy way out (breaking up instead of trying to resolve things)... If the dumper committed an unforgivable mistake, I know for sure that he will not be here asking why he didint have a 2nd chance... That means, the problem is not that worst but the dumper still resorted to break up instead of trying to resolve the problem...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

OP, I think it all depends on what the "mistake" was. For example, if my husband cheated on me, then I'm sorry, but I don't give second chances on that one. For me, it's a deal breaker. It all depends on what happened which led to the break up in the first place. You don't explain that part of things, so it's hard to know if she's being unreasonable or not. So far, one can only assume that whatever it was, it was bad enough for her not to give you another chance.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hear you and feel your angst. Sometimes it takes more life experiences for the brain to look back with a sense of possibility at something you had given up on. In some people when there is too much pain a mechanism kicks in to run and not look back. The brain is constantly revising itself however. Even people who say they would never give it another chance are capable of doing that over time. Over time the painful memories fade and the positive ones start to pop out. They also have a chance to experience other people and see that conflict is the nature of relationship, part of the process because 2 individuals are always going to have some conflicts. People are not perfect and neither is life. The unexpected can happen when you least expect it, in both positive and negative ways. The decision becomes who do you want to face life's imperfections with, and also enjoy all the great stuff. When is the last time you tried to contact your ex?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Haha! Don't apologize. No offense taken. Your thoughts are totally valid.

 

But I do have to ask, since he didn't explain here... how can you be certain that the OP didn't do something like cheat on his GF? (Not to say that he absolutely did either!) People all have varying opinions on the degrees of right and wrong. It is possible that he did something that was a big deal to his girlfriend or us but just not a big deal to him.

 

Also, what if the dumper just fell out of love? People change drastically over their lives and sometimes that can happen. When it does, no amount of talking can bring it back. It can only drag things out and make it more miserable for everyone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Haha! Don't apologize. No offense taken. Your thoughts are totally valid.

 

But I do have to ask, since he didn't explain here... how can you be certain that the OP didn't do something like cheat on his GF? (Not to say that he absolutely did either!) People all have varying opinions on the degrees of right and wrong. It is possible that he did something that was a big deal to his girlfriend or us but just not a big deal to him.

 

Also, what if the dumper just fell out of love? People change drastically over their lives and sometimes that can happen. When it does, no amount of talking can bring it back. It can only drag things out and make it more miserable for everyone.

 

Hehe... Thanks...

 

For the fell out of love thing... if the dumper is matured enough, he/she could explain this to the dumpee...

 

Though i'm not 100% sure/certain... It's just that, if you'll look at the statement of the OP, even though it's vague, you still get the insight or see the logic behind of what really happened to the OP... Though there are chances that it might be just my speculations too...

 

and if the OP really did commit an unforgivable mistake like cheating... Take note that I'm also stressing the idea that if he really did that, he wont even think of asking why her ex didnt give him a 2nd chance...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

and even if there were no serious issues (like cheating or abuse), one can still decide not to give a second chance. i had a boyfriend in high school who claimed to care for me but all his actions said something else - he ignored me, made fun of my feelings, kept hanging out with this girl who had a crush on him, etc..... after so long of this, i finally got sick of things and broke up. i was so hurt. i tried so hard, talked to him for so long, but when i was done, i was done.

 

well, a few years later, he told me he knew what big mistakes he made, that he would never do that to me again, that he wanted a second chance. truth is, i didn't believe him. he said many nice words before, but the hurt ran so deep, i was suspicious that things would return to how they were after a few weeks or months of a honeymoon.

 

basically, sometimes someone's hurt you so badly, or broken that trust, that you just can't get it back. and unfortunately, by the time the person realizes this, it's too late.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is a really good post. I think one of the things we need to realize is that conflict is part of human nature and relationships. A lot of times the dumper doesn't know what to do and ending it is their best and most automatic response. Many times people think that the romantic/honeymoon stage will last forever.. but it doesn't and people don't know how to get through the next part .. the power struggle. Al Turtle and Harville Hendrix have some good stuff on this. I think that the realization that this is the norm is a huge first step, and that leads the way to a greater understanding of how we tick so to speak.

 

Something that should be pointed out is that there should be a focus from us, the dumpees, at this stage on making the second chance work if it comes or a new relationship with someone else work even better if the second chance doesn't come. This is really an opportunity to make things count from our side, and that means really know what went wrong and how to make things better. This can only be accomplished after a good amount of time apart. If the second chance does come around within a few weeks then there is probably a very good chance of things tailspinning yet again as there hasn't really been any time to learn.. trust me on this . While I would like a true second chance as well... I'd rather not have it if I've not grown and learned enough from this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There has been a lot of focus on mistakes causing break ups. But sometimes there aren't mistakes made. Sometimes it just isn't working. In that case there is nothing for the dumpee to fix. They just aren't the person the dumper is looking for.

 

This is pretty hard to accept because you were just dumped because of who you are. So you can't do anything about it. And how is a dumper able to explain in detail exactly what went wrong? They really can't. All they can say is that it just isn't working out.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hello all, its greeat to see a healthy level of discussion going on here!

 

well, ok to put an end to those speculation, this was the wrong i had done. basically i shouted at her twice three months before the breakup. i shouted at her the first time in Macdonalds, and the 2nd time with her in the car. It must have been really traumatic and hurtful for her, but [not trying to find excuses] it takes two hands to clap, she had a part to play in the quarrels we had, and last but not least, during that period of time i had rather serious anxiety disorder due to exams and such, and her always angering me with the small little issues really really triggered my angst. just to give an example ----- she was sick while we were eating at Macs. i feel like getting an ice cream, had a craving for it. she said i CANT eat it because shes sick and since she cant eat it i cant either, as a couple we must go through 'thick and thin'. i was like * * * ? in the end i got it anyway thinking it was no big deal, but she got really pissed and serious, like hw much it hurt her and all that jazz.i was really angry, cuz it was just a stupid mcflurry, and i also feel its weird of her to deny me my ice cream just because she cant have it. this whole episode sounds childish and immature i agree, but just to give an example of the issues that we had .....

 

2ndly, i made a mistake in january this year. i was quite disatisfied with my r/s on many counts. first, i felt we were stagnating. i cant feel the passion, we have been quarrelling, she hasnt been supportive of me while i was very stressed and very affected by my anxiety disorder, we are both stubborn people who just wont give in over the smallest of issues [see the macdonalds issue on top], and last but not least, i was very very unhappy over the lack of intimacy. she is a v staunch christian so no sex for the 4 years we were together but we did go into pretty deep stuff. but all of a sudden in the 2nd half of 2009 she said she felt guilty having done these things for me [i was like huh * * * ? ur telling me only after we have been doing this for like 3 years?] and that it was sinful and that she did no want to do this anymore. apparently she doesnt understand a guys needs. she thinks i shld respect her and respect her views and if shes uncomfortable i shouldnt force her. i agree as guys we have to respect guys and be gentlemenly. but where is my threshold. i have put off sex with her for 4 years and intend to do so till we get married, and to me this is already a huge sacrifice on my part. now shes wants to go a step further and totally deny intimacy in our r/s? i told her and told her how impt intimacy is to a r/s but she just think im a horny guy who just want to satisfy my sexual needs and selfish by not considering her views. im like ...what about my views and needs? why isit always your views that i must respect? furthermore its aafter 3 years of intimacy then she suddenly call it quits, can anyone understand the abruptness and shock i feel? that is why in january, i was quite unhappy with our r/s and started to dsitance myself from her. i went out late, parties often, hanged out with new people, came home early in the wee hours of morning, started to neglect our r/s. then come march she broke up with me.

 

looking back she had a reason to break up with me. i neglected her for 2 months and before that i shouted at her and we were quarreling often, and these are valid reasons for a breakup. but what she didnt know was that i had issues as well, i had my unhappiness as well, but i didnt walk away. i chose to step away for a while to evaluate my feelings in this r/s, but to her it was me walking out of this r/s and neglecting it. what she didnt know also is that i did not choose to walk away when we had problems, because i loved her. i really wanted to breakup with her over the intimacy issue because its yet another instance when i feel i have to compromise again due to her religious imposition. but i love her and did not choose to walk away. thats what i mean by being a fighter. i dont call it quits so easily. i love this person and it only takes something serious to make me want to do it..like maybe infidelity? i dono. after a while, i thought to myself that i will respect her views and compromise even more, i could do without intimacy at all to marriage for her sake, because i love her so much. does she know about this? no. i have sacrificed so much, and i have never walked away even if i felt unhappy or shortchanged. she doesnt know also that i have resolved to stop shouting already, and my anxiety issues have imrpoved significantly over the past few months because of medications[ have been seeing a psychiatrist] and also i have readjusted my own attitude and mindset and am now much more calm and open-minded to alot of things and not so easily agitated. i dont really shout or quarrel with anyone anymore - whether friends or family. these are the changes we are talking about, but whats the use? shes a quitter and she chose to walk away. that's why im pissed..yes 2 months ago we might be making this and that mistake, but 2 months later, circsutamcesn change, attitude change, the bf here has made a mistake, but he is only human, and there was circusmtances at that time, and now hes willing to change and he is changing, and hes trying to make things right. did she see the effort or the sincerity? no. not at all. and all this while i have graciously and generously accepted her flaws because i loved her

 

did i explain all this to her? yes, but does she listen? no. because woman are like, once they decide on a breakup, nothing can convince them otherwise.telling them u have changed and sinere in wanting to improve [ which is true in my case], wanted to make things right, sorry for the mistakes which were due to circumstances [as described above] balh blah blah but she just doesnt listen. all she was looking for is an " i accept your decision" statment. i talked a whole load of stuff about our past memories and how much i love her and how much i wanted to make things work and how much i needed this 2nd chance but all her reply was ' ok iget it...i get it...other than professing your lvoe for me, and reminiscing about our past...how about my decision? do u have an answer to it already?" so all she cares is just to get this over and done with. one sentence, an entire 4 years of love goes down the drain. i even did a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle with disney theme, and drew a protrait of us, and tried to give these to her during our last meeting 2 weeks ago, but she wasnt even interested, but asked me to keep them away. very hurting is the 2 words i would use to describe her words and behaviour the month [ i neglected her from january to mid feb but deciding to come back, but by then shes already very cold towards me] before the breakup and the breakup itself. i am consoled only by the fact that i have tried my best to resolve and salvage, and that through all the hurt she has done me as well i have sorta paid my dues and redeemed my mistakes.

 

im just angsty and thanks for reading my post. i know i cant do much now, its over already, just wanna vent my penned up feelings. its 2 weeks since we broke up, and a little more than 10 days since my striict NC. doing fine, at days feeling ok, then feeling sad, then feeling angry, and today is the day when im boiling with anger thiking about the way she treated me pre-breakup and breakup itself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

All relationships being voluntary, it only takes one person to end one, and this doesn't imply that either person must be a villain.

 

We don't need to 'deserve' heartbreak in order to suffer grief. The reason people can speak of their pain so freely is that it's a universal condition that everyone experiences at some point.

 

Sometimes you can even love someone with all your heart and know that a relationship with them is not the best way to live your life going forward. Sometimes it's the best choice to love someone from far away.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

All relationships being voluntary, it only takes one person to end one, and this doesn't imply that either person must be a villain.

 

We don't need to 'deserve' heartbreak in order to suffer grief. The reason people can speak of their pain so freely is that it's a universal condition that everyone experiences at some point.

 

Sometimes you can even love someone with all your heart and know that a relationship with them is not the best way to live your life going forward. Sometimes it's the best choice to love someone from far away.

 

your last paragraph is something profound and deep and usually i see these in these liners in movie dialogues and perhaps novels. but if u ask me, i m halfway to understanding this whole concept of "to love is to let go" or in other variations like "loving her doesnt mean having her by your side.".."loving her from afar is the best choice" .."loving someone is to see her happy even if shes in someone esle's arms"...etc halfway in the sense that having not contacted her for 12 days already i felt a sense of calm and realised that sometime trying too hard to change something not within one's control or power is like pushing against a wall. its self defeating and a waste of time and energy. i also thought back about the last moments in our r/s - filled with angst, hurt,grief and basically just out of whack emotions. sometimes taking a step back, and seeing her happy and not hurtful once more, actually makes me happy as well, although its kinda weird because im still griefing over the loss of her at the same time!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i really wanted to breakup with her over the intimacy issue because its yet another instance when i feel i have to compromise again due to her religious imposition. but i love her and did not choose to walk away. thats what i mean by being a fighter. i dont call it quits so easily.

 

but he is only human, and there was circusmtances at that time, and now hes willing to change and he is changing, and hes trying to make things right.

 

You have presented a lot of information here and I appreciate your honesty. Honestly, it doesn't present the best picture of both of you. It sounds like she did some really unfair, immature things to you especially with the McDonald's incident and suddenly cutting off sex without talking through things with you. You were very understanding with the sex part, even though you were clearly angry about that. Additionally, you did some immature things, which you know about. Add to the mix mental illness, anger, and emotional distancing and it seemed like the end of your relationship was imminent.

 

So the question is ... should she have given it a second chance. Ultimately, if her love was no longer there, would you really want her to try again? Wouldn't you feel even more unloved and frustrated being with a woman who was not there for you emotionally?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i guess ur right, on hindsight it did look back this r/s was on the rocks already...and my negligence and her emotional distancing thereafter was the straw that broke the camel's back...

 

maybe what i miss was the happy her...the sweet and loving her..the happy times..not her when we were quarreling and all emotionall.not the cold and cynical her when we broke up..i miss the good ole days when she wld do sweet hings for me and i miss all our special moments we had...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i agree that the mcflurry incident was over the top. what if she got cancer, would she expect you to shave your head and take chemotherapy drugs too? very weird. it sounds like you guys both made some mistakes, she sounds immature as well. maybe just best to learn from it and move on?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It really sounds like you had some deep incompatabilities like the religious differences... and if you 'punished' her for refusing sexual activities by going out and partying, when partying like that is really against her beliefs, then she probably realized that your religious differences were too great to span and marrying you would not be a good idea.

 

People tend to get MORE religious when they marry and have families, and your fights then would be about the type of sex (i.e., her saying no, i'll only do in in missionary position and only for procreation and oral sex is a sin) to her deciding your life must revolve around church activities and raising the kids in the church. Most people with big religious differences either have very unhappy marriages, or do eventually divorce.

 

So it wasn't that you needed another chance, because you still believe what you believe and so does she. Are you going to get as into her religion as she is? If you're not, then the relationship is going nowhere, and i think she realized this when you got mad at her and started partying around. So that is probably the real reason for the breakup, your deep founded differences, not a simple case of yelling once.

 

Really, you can have all those fun and happy times you had with her, with another girl who is more similar in belief, who is happy to have sex before marriage and has more in common with you. So most likely this is for the best, though you don't realize it right now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for sharing your story.

 

So my next question to you (since Im full of them today is why do you want to go back to a relationship of that magnitude? Dont you want someone who will encourage you to eat ice cream rather then making a deal out of it because they arent feeling well? Wouldnt you want someone to have been upfront and honest about their sexual past to begin with? So you could fully understand their stance on the issue? Wouldnt you want to be with someone who could look at you and talk to you about wanting to reduce the number of times you are close to intimacy?

 

I know where you have been. When my partner and I split, I looked back and wallowed ALOT and missed her. The angst was too much to bear. But as time went on, I began to realize that there were all these things that frustrated me. Her little rules.

 

We are reconciling now however, not without me stipulating what is and isnt acceptable. I have laid all my cards on the table by pointing out things I didnt like in our previous relationship. She has done the same and we are working to change it.

 

Good luck no matter which route you take

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Your answers are all right here. You are the one who wants to reconcile & you used all the following terms in describing your relationsip: "anger", "distance", "dissatisfied", "stagnat", "unhappiness", "traumatized" "not supportive", "religious incompatibility", "lack of intimacy", "neglect" & "quarelling"!!

 

You may not have had a second chance after you broke up... but you guys had months and months to turn things around and didn't. You may have been together for a long time & you may always have some found memories but you two weren't right for each other.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...