Is he worth the pain?????

[zelda_101]

Hi, I joined this site because I really need some advice. I have an online relationship with a guy. He‘s basically lovely and treats me like a queen. We‘ve known each other for over a year and in that time I‘ve caught him out talking dirty to a lot of women. First, it was "I thought you knew..oh well, if you don‘t like it I‘ll stop!", then "you don‘t trust me, you‘ve got it all wrong", then he‘s saying "I‘m sorry...I don‘t blame you though"...NO DAH!!!! We planned to live together but now I don‘t think I can handle it. He‘s pleading to me that he‘s learned his lesson and he won‘t do it again because he can‘t live without me....I do adore him. Life would be nothing without him. What the hell do I do????? He hasn‘t actually had real sex in ages. I know this for sure because I‘ve had sources, am I expecting too much from him that he has nothing sexual in his life than me...I‘m 10,000 miles away and can only do so much!! Please....any ideas of how I can change him...will he??? Julie

[G-Snap]

I am not sure how a guy who talks dirty to a lot of online women and 'treats you like a queen' are really congruent.

 

I think that the two of you don't really know the real "you's" and you might want to be careful about putting all your eggs in this one basket.

 

You don't have to have "real" sex for it to be emotionally attaching. Cyber sex can be pretty alluring to a lot of people and apparently it does it for him, that's why he keeps messin with all these women online.

[ToF]

Hey there, sorry to hear that you're so upset.

 

What do you adore about this guy? It really sounds like he's just playing with you

 

I'll be honest, you can't change him. Will he change? I doubt it. If he hasn't changed for you in a year, then he probably won't now.

[zelda_101]

That's what I've told myself over and over. I just imagine going to all the trouble of starting a new life with him (which will cost thousands) only to find out he's still doing it. If someone asked me the same thing I'd say "Ditch the bastard" but when we look into each others eyes...we know we love each other. I keep thinking its me...what aren't I doing for him? He buys me expensive gifts and does everything he can to please me and he's really wonderful to me...but he just can't keep his hand out of his pants with the women he chats to. What do you think.....1 more chance and that's it???? I post anonymous ads on epal sites and he answers them..that's how I caught him out! I can't go on this way..................!

[wayoverit]

This may be an old trick in the book but if it works then it's a good trick nonetheless. In the old days, if you want to test if a person's heart is for real, you test them by pretending to be sick and see if he comes to your bedside. If he doesn't, then he doesn't really love you that much, or at all. Give it a try and you will know if your long distance man is real or a fake.

[ay0_x]

This may be an old trick in the book but if it works then it's a good trick nonetheless. In the old days, if you want to test if a person's heart is for real, you test them by pretending to be sick and see if he comes to your bedside. If he doesn't, then he doesn't really love you that much, or at all. Give it a try and you will know if your long distance man is real or a fake.

 

Not sure if that's the most ethical thing in the book. In any case, I doubt this guy would come.

 

What do you even know about this guy? How do you know he's not married, a criminal, a psycho? He obviously has no respect for you, and he seems very addicted to online sex. Even if you two got together in real life, a cycle/habit like that is very very hard to break. Do you want to wake up in the middle of the night to him typing away in fantasy land?

[catfeeder]

In online encounters you can only know about a person what he crafts for you to know. It's basically fantasy. If he's not even honest with you about his e-habits, what exactly CAN you trust about him?

 

Save your money and start investing your time in finding someone who lives closer, who you can meet in the flesh and with whom you can have a real relationship--without it costing you everything.

[zelda_101]

Thanks Wayoverit, I have to give it a shot. I said last night that I was giving him his freedom that he seemed to want so much and he freaked. He wants back in the cage now. I'll see how it goes but this IS it! Thanks for your help everyone. I'll be a sap for sooooo long. The time is here for change...or else!!! X

[zelda_101]

Hey who cares about if its ethical or not!!! You have to think like a cheat to catch one! I need to know!!

[ay0_x]

Hey who cares about if its ethical or not!!! You have to think like a cheat to catch one! I need to know!!

 

You want to start a long term relationship on the foundations of infidelity, deceit, manipulation and trickery, that is fine by me.

[zelda_101]

The more I think about how he's treated me the more pissed off I get! Maybe I'm just too bloody good for him and he doesn't deserve me anyway!!! Thanks girls!!!

[greywolf]

Have you two ever talked about what the boundaries of your relationship are? It's possible that he didn't think you'd be bothered by it.

 

EDIT: I read the rest of your posts. Since it's something that happens consistently, he's not going to change. You need to move on from this guy.

[Rotxsen]

Please define a queen? just by saying some sweet words just like he does to the rest of the women?

[Speranza]

I don't understand. How do you know he hasn't promised five other women that he will move in with them?

 

You've never even met him.

 

This whole thing is a bit of a fantasy really. I was going to ask what you mean by 'he treats me like a queen' - but I gather you mean that he buys you expensive things.

 

Well - then you are basically having cybersex in exchange for money (in the form of gifts). This is absolutely your choice, but there is, sadly, nothing here to suggest that a real life relationship will come of it.

 

'He freaked' - well yes, drug addicts freak if someone tells them they are going to cut off their supply.

 

You have NO idea how many women right now are seeing YOU as one of the 'other women he talks dirty to'. And if you've already resorted to trickery to 'catch him out' then you have NOTHING on which to build a relationship. As the poster above listed, you are planning to build a relationship on some pretty rocky foundatinos.

 

I would be more worried about you, but tbh I can't imagine he has ANY intention of ever meeting you, let alone moving in with you. He is getting everything he wants wihtout the hassle of having to relate to women, whilst you have put your entire life on hold for a lying, cyber-sex-addicted man who could be married, a rapist, a murderer or anything at all.

 

Dangerous territory - but entirely your choice. Good luck and stay safe.

[Billy Ray]

If he is 10,000 miles away in another country your chances of meeting him are slim....id say be penpals and find someone closer.

[G-Snap]

OH WOW! I didn't realize they never met.

 

Oh no hon, MOVE ON from this one! If he has gotten THIS close to you, enough for you to feel like a queen from his typed words, then you can bet he has other women hooked too since you know he chats with a lot of others.

[G-Snap]

That's what I've told myself over and over. I just imagine going to all the trouble of starting a new life with him (which will cost thousands) only to find out he's still doing it. If someone asked me the same thing I'd say "Ditch the bastard" but when we look into each others eyes...we know we love each other. I keep thinking its me...what aren't I doing for him? He buys me expensive gifts and does everything he can to please me and he's really wonderful to me...but he just can't keep his hand out of his pants with the women he chats to. What do you think.....1 more chance and that's it???? I post anonymous ads on epal sites and he answers them..that's how I caught him out! I can't go on this way..................!

 

If this is an online relationship and you haven't met, how do you know there is love in his eyes when you 'look into his eyes"?

 

A tad confused....

 

He answers anonymous ads online that you wrote. Wow, do you not see the real problem here? I can't figure out why you are even tossing this question into the ring. This guy is an online casanova! He isn't going to change.