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How should I approach this (staying friends/winning her back)


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IN order to heal, i think you need time to yourself. Winning her back isn't going to be the solution. The solution should be that you heal yourself right now and thinking of her & wanting to win her back ain't going to help and will not bring your situation, your mood & your self-esteem forward.

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yeah im pretty much on the moving on boat rather than the get her back boat.


I have the urge to just text her and tell her that I don't want to do the friends thing at all right now and want to keep distance for as long as need be. I want to tell her i think we have two different ideas about how are friendship will be.


the thing is what we discussed in the car was kind of 'lets keep our distance' but i still got the feeling that we will see each other alot. I also feel that I shifted the power back to her and she went away feeling alot better about things whereas I feel a bit more confuse. and It might be a bit out of the blue right now.

She wants to keep distance for a little bit but 'go with the flow' so I sit around wondering if its okay to txt her or okay to ask her to hang out. I mean she txts me at 4am saying 'ru awake' but I ask her later in the day if she wants to hang this week (stupid I know) and she says she'll probably be busy. I could just ignore everything and not bother txting her or anything and just let her make contacts but is that giving her all the power? Will that make her feel like she is in charge?


should i let her know this or just wait it out for a week or two and stay out of contact then let her know?


I also don't want to turn around and say staunch things only to look like im being a bit of an * * * * * * * .

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oh and my fb status on saturday read 'so sick of BS!' she has just texted me saying 'eek is your fb status about our talk on saturday'.


Kinda is, more so on what happened on friday but also that we had a talk.


What you guys reckon I say back?

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Well I did answer lol, I felt it was best as there has never been time we're we've ignored each other... I probably still could have left it but I decided to reply with 'dont worry its all good'. She said 'I swear I will never do that to you again lol'

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Sadly, it seems like she is being very clear with you but you do not want to hear it.

She says shes been missing me, not as a boyfriend (???) but having me around etc and not seeing me. (don't know what she means by that - shes missing ME but not US?? is that possible, kinda hand in hand isn't it?)


She cares about you but she doesn't want you romantically. The more you are around her, the more you suffer hoping that her turmoil means more than it does.

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Sadly, it seems like she is being very clear with you but you do not want to hear it.


She cares about you but she doesn't want you romantically. The more you are around her, the more you suffer hoping that her turmoil means more than it does.


How do you mean very clear? Are you referring to those messages?

I try and validate any messages she sends me, so she feels heard, but I dont want to give too much power or "give in" either.


The convo went like


her: "hey is your FB status about our talk on saturday?"

me: "its all good dont worry "

her: "I swear I wont do that to you again lol"

me: "Do what?"

her: "Ah jus cumn 2 talk 2 u n stuff! didnt wanna cause sh*t for you"

me: "U coming and talking was okay, you can talk2me bout stuff. But gess am just keen 2 get on with it lol"

her: "yeah lets jus get on wid it!


Yes I can agree that she cares about me, however not romantically. Even though nothing bad was said in the car I walked away with the feeling that we will probably not get back togeather, even tho ive always known it wont be anytime soon anyway... I don't read into her turmoil/sadness as hope that she will take me back - i just want to say/do the right things that validates her but doesn't put myself out to dry.

Its okay though because I wouldn't want us to reconcile right yet - im coming to senses that single life isn't so bad and im developing my own self (can't believe how much we forget aboutselves during a long relationship) and taking this as an opportunity to really focus on myself, this break up is actually good for me - im just scared of losing her forever.


oh and getbii - how you been doing man? read that the last two weeks you've been seeing your ex quite a bit and shes no longer with the rebound?

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Its okay though because I wouldn't want us to reconcile right yet - im coming to senses that single life isn't so bad and im developing my own self (can't believe how much we forget aboutselves during a long relationship) and taking this as an opportunity to really focus on myself, this break up is actually good for me - im just scared of losing her forever.


You are talking like you will reconcile and that is really holding you back. You need to let go.

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hey tangz so i caught up i think, i feel like i might be missing some things but nothing necessary...


it seems like roles are being reversed now, it looks like you are the dumper and she is the dumpee.


this is you and her when i first read your posts




then this is what you did




and now she is heading toward where you were




u= You


H= Her


see first she was moving on with her life in another direction and you wanted to stay where you relationship was with her and for her to come back,

then as you grew tired of that you started to move in the opposite direction as well and she froze, and now that you are moving away, reality is starting to hit her...


in my opinion you should just agree with her to get what you want, you want to heal and she is preventing you from doing so. so by telling her its ok by being friends she might settle down and feel ok thinking you guys are "friends but you can just go ahead and do NC anyway.

i read this in another post somewhere around here, it said something about actions vs words, ill try to look for it.




and yes sir i've been seeing my ex lately a lot, around 5 days out of 7 a week.

rebound isn't out of the picture but hes out of her mind,

im just letting him burn himself out.

turns out when things were getting sour with me, her friends pressured her into dumping me for him, she never really loved him or cared for him more than a friend. she said when she was with him she could never stop thinking about me and all her worries were if i still loved her or not,

she just got tired of him and dumped him because she couldn't stop thinking about me and missing me.

this happened around 3 weeks ago.

(she had already dumped him once, bcause he just wasn't her type and she still loved me, but ended up getting back together because he was depressed and she felt sorry for him)


i say he isn't out of the picture because he doesn't get the picture,

she dumped him and she said and friends said that he just won't give up,

he is a tottal loser (and i mean it) they only knew each other for 3 months 2 of them they dated and he is madly in love with her, he keeps calling her, looking for her, etc.

so im not worried about him, the more he keeps doing that the more he pushes her away because she is really getting annoyed by him.


we aren't back together yet because we have a bigger battle to fight,

she has assured me and said "i want nothing more right now but to be with you"

she has been in depression for some time now, so sometimes she just doesnt even want to go out, she doesn't want anything at all, but it seems like shes taking small steps out of her depression.



p.s. when she dumped her rebound she got a lot better from her depression instantly.

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Yeah you are right. The moment I stopped asking to hang out with her and then said 'lets not txt or email all the time' I noticed a change in her behaviour... i.e the next time I saw her after saying that she blurted out she was missing me and wanted to kiss me etc....couple weeks later I hear she is in the "miss you" stage, so I tell her we should keep our distance, dunno if we can be friends etc and a week later she wants 'closure' and is crying.

As I sorta turned around and dumped her it made her realise.

Im not looking into it but it is kinda funny how when you 'dump' them that they can 180 from being happy from being out of the relationship to sad about it all of a sudden.


I know the thread your talking about too!


Ahh well it sounds like everything is going good for you, just becareful and keep on top of your game! Don't give her tooooo much attention and be paitent.

Yup the other guy is being too clingy and is f*cking it up for himself, I would be very happy in your shoes. Happy that he is just gunna push her away but you should also be careful as he is still in both your lives. Don't talk too bad about him infront of your ex either incase she starts siding with him and defending him.

Soon enough mate, he'll be gone and with a bit of paitence and doing the right thing you guys might be okay

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so i wouldn't be worried at all if i were you!

you have no idea how much power you have right now, if you played your cards right you could even get her to jump up and down!


as for the face book thing, there is a way to block people with out having to erase them,

so they can never tell when y ou are online or not.

may i ask how you feel about her still?

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Thanks mate!

Ive blocked her news updates but I just find myself going to her page to check them anyway lol, such a failure. At least I have the option of seeing them though.


How do I feel about her? Well I love her soo much and miss her heaps. I regret taking her for granted and being a bit selfish.

I really wanna just hang out with her, 1 on 1. But I don't want to see her when we are all out with our friends.

I just want to hug her, kiss her sleep with etc. I also feel real physically attracted to her (like more than ever!) and it sucks we don't have 'friends with benefits' right now lol even just one more time would be great! can someone give me some advice on this part?

If she asked to get back with me right now I wouldn't jump and say yes right away.

If she was dating someone else or got togeather with someone I would be verrry upset. The thought of her with someone else kills me to no end.

Hearing her going out and having a good time upsets me a little.

I am moving on though, im over the initial fears and depression and am thinking that her breaking up with me has been good for me as im much more focused on myself and thinking a bit clearer about life. I can accept the break up and hold no grudges.

Im also glad that she still obviously has feelings for me and is missing me.


So yeah overall im pretty good mate considering its still early days, (nearly 9 weeks wow sounds like ages but doesn't feel it) I don't worry or overanalyze too much, im thinking alot more rationally now.

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Update on how im feeling


Haven't spoke to the ex since last Sunday so its been 7 days NC. It feels good, each day is better and better. Not being in contact definitely helps.

So ive been pretty damn happy all week, best week ive had so far. I do admit there is still that 'empty' feeling like somethings missing but overall havn't thought about her too much and had a good week.

Her being away for the weekend helped as in I knew she wouldn't be out partying and it removes any chance of seeing her so that was good.

Think she is back today sometime. Wasn't expecting her to contact me but thought she might have texted me - im glad she hasn't. I do wonder how shes feeling but it doesn't concern me much.

Went out friday, had an older girl show me a bit off attention, nothing happened had to leave. Was a good boost though and gets you thinking about other girls/single life in a positive light.


Little bit down today but its Sunday so its okay. Not being in contact helps a great and im feeling really good! Hope this continues! Should continue as long as I dont hear any news of her with someone else, I think that's my biggest fear and one of the few things that would bring me down right now.


So...will continue this week without a care for her, not worry if she contacts or not. I feel myself getting better and onto a path of getting over her...I actually read something on a different forum, one that isn't relationship advice, some guy that broke up with his GF, everyone there just said 'dont think about her, dont contact her, just act like 'the man' and dont give her attention' .. actually thinking this way helps alot.

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whats up mate... sorry if I havent been able to keep up, Ill try my best to catch up with you guys... As of now, I think we're feeling the same way though the difference that I see is you still have some form of contact with your ask but on my side, I dont have any, absolutely zero... Ill do my best to help, been very busy this past few weeeks cu'z my father came back from his work abroad and theres alot of things he wanted to do and fix with our house...

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Hey mate yeah good good hope you doing well.


Its Sunday so as usual, a little depression lol.


My ex emailed me on thursday, so went 11 days NC (unannounced). Waited a few hours then replied, didn't get a reply after.

Haven't seen her in 2 weeks also. Plan on not seeing her for as long as possible and probably ignore her next contact unless its important.


Really starting to feel what life is like without her. definitely feels like something is missing but Im doing good and am happy overall. Just have my moments I guess and Sunday nights (well even during the day) kinda suck, usually hungover and doing absolutely nothing. Would love to just chill with her. All good though!


Starting to wonder what shes been up too...

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Ta mate!


Actually thought about her quite a bit today and missed her also. I am tired n stuff today than usual so could be why. Its great that even if I do think about her n stuff it doesn't depress me fully.


Was almost about to text her, was trying to justify with reasons like "well I haven't initiated any contact in 2 weeks and prior to that hadn't initiated contact" and thought that by not contacting her I might be pissing her off or pushing her away.. managed to hold off know that I was only keen to text her probably because I was thinking about her more than usual today and that I was missing her and then told myself that last week I was keen to not contact her for longer than two weeks and here I am wanting to do it now.

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well you know what they say, nothing is impossible, as long as its what you want and you try, you can get it! you could stop talking for her for years and still get with her as long as thats still what YOU want,

so don't feel down!

this is for the best, your letting the dust settle...

im thinking of maybe doing the same and dropping out for some time...

i just don't have that will power in me

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I thought you were back with yours? Or are you just trying to pull away a little??


Yeah pretty keen to 'let the dust settle' as you put it. You know basically carry on for at least a couple more weeks how it is before making any decent contacts.

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well we are back, but just not officially. i mean its like if we were together, it was just like we were before we broke up but we aren't boyfriend and girlfriend so i feel that if i pull away it might be that one last step i need, then again the only reason why we aren't together is because of her depression, she says she wants to be better first.



so how long has it been for you? 2 weeks?

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yo getbii, I didnt noticed you because of the new avatar It seems like both of you my friends are doing great. Well, Ive been doing good too this past few weeks, being so much busy with school and friends, my father came back from his work abroad (lots of tings to fix in our house), going on trips with my family, and lots of fun. I think I only differ in a way because ever since the last time I talked with my ex (about 2 weeks after BU I think) I havent heard anything from her meaning complete NC.


Day after day, I am feeling that I am slowly moving on but... About the sunday part mate, it's sunday yesterday and I dont know what came to my mind after logging in my facebook account I tried to look at the page of my ex, seeing her new pictures again and the worse: I EFFING LOGGED IN HER EMAIL (dunno * * * is wrong with me that day) and noticed she made a new email and trying to link that to her fb and I think Ive had a dream (a long one) about her, though I dont remember all the details... Well it's some sort of a bad day (night) for me but after a few hours in the morning after I woke up, remembering what Ive did last night made me smile (it's weird), it feels like I yeah I f*ucked up again but it's not a big deal anymore to me, I did have a set back a bit but not like the last set back w/c is 3 weeks ago I think...


So far Ive been doing good, my summer class has just ended but the first semester on my second year will start by 2nd week of june (Ive had a feeling that I need to be busy so that I will not feel lonely and do or think stupid things again)...


Well guys, that my update so far, sorry if I havent been keeping in touch to help you guys (because of school and the difference in our time zone) but I always wish you all the best... Good luck guys...

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fr0zen its good to hear you've been busy and good to know that that hasn't set you back, shows that you are improving.


Anyway update on the last week. Thought about her quite a bit last week, more than the last couple of weeks. Its strange that whenever I miss her the most or have a day where I think about her alot she contacts me. I wonder if she too is having a day where im on her mind more than usual. So she emailed me on Tuesday, I ignored it. She text me on Thursday night, I replied and we had about 2 exchanges and I ended it - I was a bit distant with the replies not as chirpy as she was or how I would usually be but why should I lol.


Went away with the boys on Saturday night, polished off 5 boxes of beer and a bottle of jack daniels before we hit town, thats where my bank account got owned lol. Danced with some girls. Was a wicked night a full on single guy type night. Got back to my friends at about 4am, came close to ringing my ex in my drunken state. Ended up chucking my phone out of reach do remove the temptation. Glad I did.


Texted her yesterday, we had a exchange of about 4 texts each over 6 hours so it reminded me its pointless talking to her lol and I don't know why we bother contacting each other, when I contact her she doesn't want to give in to me and when she contacts me I dont want to give into her its quite funny actually. This is my first time initiating in weeks btw.


Oh and good news!!! The potential rebound that ive talked about a couple times is leaving the country next month! It will be so good for me when hes gone so I can stop worrying about this other guy. I don't think my ex has even done anything with this guy but it's still crap she has feelings for him and maybe shes even relied on it a little to help get over me.

I can't help but wonder that she will want to 'do' something with him before he goes. Kinda scared about that.

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