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How should I approach this (staying friends/winning her back)


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^ from whom you have quoted that cheeseboy?... I think I didnt notice that one, maybe because I'm still sleepy earlier... You're right, sort of a mind game or something or ex is confused, things like that... but... the bottomline is, it will give hope to the dumpee and she will just regain her control over the dumpee if the dumpee will hold on this hope that she gave...




I see, its from the OP... I really didn't noticed that... Just ignore what she said, dont let that sink into your mind, maybe because you've start seeing her again and she still likes you to be around her but for the meantime, she wants to be single.... If you'll hold on that hope that she gave, it will be like a leash to you, she can do what she wants while she know that you're still there because she knew you still have that hope... Just continue what you are doing, maintain NC... Let her know that you didnt bought what she said, just respond to her if it's really important...

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She said that because I asked about this guy. I knew he liked her and knew that she had a thing for him. Eventually she was able to admit that after I told her to be honest with me.


Im just worried about our conversations yesterday where she caught on that I was "ignoring" her and then later on in the evening on facebook where when I wasn't saying much and said bye and she goes 'lol this is gay'. I almost want to explain to her that ive respected her decision to end the relationship now she can respect mine to limit contact. - Remember if I wanted her to be out of my life I wouldn't care less if she was angry but I still want to keep her in my life so its tough (i want her back in the longrun). Need to keep her happy/not resentful to me but at the same time know that im moving on and that im in control

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You have no responsibility in making her happy anymore.

Your main priority should be you. and making yourself happy.


She broke up with you, she should have enough respect to let you go NC or LC.


it gets better over time and you will realize that there is someone else out there for you.

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But the important thing to realize here is that you are NOT in control of her no matter what you do... SHE is in control of herself. Playing control games never works and usually backfires. It sounds like she already senses you are playing hide and seek with her, and she needs to understand you're not trying to play games or control her, you're trying to acknowledge the true state of your relationship, that you have broken up and hence you're not going to have the same level of contact/access to each other you used to have.


Your best bet is to be honest with her, and tell her that since she made a decision to break up with you, that you need time to go off and heal and move on, just like she's doing. Then tell her she can call in a couple months to see how things are going, or sooner if she wants to get back with you, otherwise you need to move on just like she's doing.

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I will wait for the next time she questions me before I say it.


jenmar - yes I dont have a responibillity to keep her happy anymore, you are right, but I am wanting to keep on level to good terms for the time being.


Damn is there anyway to move this thread to the getting back togeather forum?

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Now here comes the tricky part... even I dont know what to do here actually...


You're right of the controling game part, it may happen planned or unplanned at all like it was an effect of what you are doing... Unlike in the NC phase, you are only doing things for yourself without her, but now that she's seeing you, it means that anything you do, it will also have an effect on her...


The goal of the OP is to heal, but he has another goal too, for his ex to get back with him thats why it became tricky...


It will be much easier to let her go and move on, but because you also want to get her back, it will be hard...


Right now, both of you are in this control game though nobody planned this, it just came naturally...


like for example, you're not contacting her so she will miss you (I'm not saying that these is your real reason, just an example), thus you are controlling her then on her part, she will sense this as you are avoiding her or hiding from her, now she will tell you things like why are you doing it then on your part you'll explain to her, thus she has now the control...


Everything you do will backfire, theres no perfect plan for this...


My best bet is just live normally, get her out of your head... Don't lose hope that she will come back, but dont plan something anymore, if she will come back she will do it and it will be her descision alone... Just focus on youself, be yourself all the time, do what you like for yourself... If you happen to see her, or be with her, just be a normal guy like you are before meeting her (the original you)... For that, you wont be doing anything that may backfire, you'll be doing things for yourself w/c is good and if she did come back or not, it happened naturally w/c is beyond your control...


Dont act cool, like a friend, blah blah... just be yourself... You can do it... good luck... And everytime, be honest...





OP... You dont need to ask a mod or hope a mod will see this because DN is a mod and the thread is already in the getting back together forum... Thanks DN...

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Thanks for moving it


Good post Frozen. You are right, everything I do will probably backfire and there is no certain plan to follow. I have learned about NC and I have read/learned other "get back to geather plans" and "getting her over plans". I will use these as guides to follow but not one of them is going to help the situation i am in! I am working on myself and you are right I I should be myself!. Improvements will come naturally and not by me faking it.


So far this week ive done bloody good and haven't thought about her much. Ive been pretty happy and am even thinking positives of being single again. Even when I think about the potential rebound it hasn't gotton me down that much. I think im making great progress and I believe im not into TOO much danger of getting hurt/delay of healing by keeping on a road to get my ex back. I believe I am healing and keeping some hope alive so its good. The way I see is that down the road I will heal, I am not a clingy person and I was never obssessed with her. I want to keep this girl in my life either as a friend but definitely more as my partner - unless she * * * * s it up by hurting me in some kinda way then my view on it will change - I will NOT give love to someone who takes it for granted


Anyway, its 6.07pm here and I just txtd her before saying I hope she had a good day and if she had something to say then to tell me now. I was hoping she would txt back asking why ive been "weird" so I could explain to her and then continue on VLC/NC. However she sent back a nice reply saying she hope my day was good and said everything was all good and she'll see me tomorrow night. So ive probably set myself back a couple of days of her missing me but at the same time ive kept things on a level playing field which is what I wanted. I also dont think ive cheated NC as NC is designed to make me heal and well I am healing and it hasn't hurt me/made me miss her/depressed by getting a message from her.


Hopefully she now understands that I won't be keen on much contact and I continue on VLC/NC path. I will probably see her tomorrow night but hopefully wont see her much this weekend and definitely wont be iniating any contact.



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Thanks dude... I just noticed this on all the guys that i've read, they will teach you to become a better person by focusing on yourself...


As long as you feel good about what you are doing, just keep up the good work, let things happen naturally but dont let your "guard down", remember you dont know if she's still playing, and no matter what you do, you'll be a part of it...




I didnt noticed that you've edited your post... I think you're doing good... no matter what happens, it happens because you are youself, not you trying to do things that are beyond your control... Whatever happen (being her just a friend or a partner someday), the important part is that you are ready to accept what will happen... Thats life, you need to accept everything and move on... Life goes on... Relationship is just a part of life, you should be able to handle it... it's your life...

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this is a recipe for disaster, especially if there is someone else involved on her end.


Staying friends with her will not make her realize that she misses you- it could make her realize that you both are better off as friends.

I would go NC for now.. start working on yourself and moving on. The sooner you do it the easier.

every time you talk to her there will be hope in your eyes, but friendship in hers.


This is Golden!...Go NC bro..just gonna hurt yourself while her heart heals...

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This is Golden!...Go NC bro..just gonna hurt yourself while her heart heals...


I think the OP has already healed... it's up to him to find out if he really can accept it being friends with her... He said his doing good for himself...

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I think the OP has already healed... it's up to him to find out if he really can accept it being friends with her... He said his doing good for himself...




But I haven't healed 100% but im pretty close I think. Something could bring me down.


Once again thanks everyone for input and support and fr0zen you are a legend and nice of you getbii to jump back in give your support.


Long easter weekend coming up so I will update as the weekend goes on or on Sunday/Monday!

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Thanks dude, I'm glad i've helped...


At least you've already healed though i didn't said 100%... atleast for now you're not obsessing her and you can already think for your self and can handle LC with your ex without giving the control on you back to herself... It's good that you know something might bring you dow because this is a critical part, one wrong move and you'll hurt yourself again then back to square one...

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Thought id give a update how the last couple days have gone.


So went out on Thursday to a bar, about 10-11 of us. Bar was packed. Having a good night etc said hi gave her a hug and a kiss then just spoke a couple words to her every now and then thruout the night, not giving much attention and showing her im not depressed and im having fun by myself. Getting near the end of the night she told me to sit next to her. Sat down and she half jokingly/half serious says "So why you been avoiding the conversation" I said "im not!" she repeated and repeated until I said "look if your not gonna talk to me normal and be gay im gonna get up and leave" she then said "no no you said if I wanted to talk about it then we would" so I said she was right and explained we shouldn't txt/email all the time and to give each other space which she said she understood. She then went on saying how hard it is for her at the moment, that shes been missing me, her dads moving away (looked like she was almost going to cry) blah blah then said that she sees me tonight and just wants to kiss me (was hard to hold myself back and not jsut go for it) and I told her yeah its hard blah blah. By this point our mates had already gone outside as the bar was closing so it was just us 2. We went back outside to the cars and we all got in the cars to go thru McDonalds drive thru. Well I ended up in the car with her in. Had a bit of fun in the car thru the drive thru, taking the piss out of each other then we dropped her off at home. Gave her a hug and a kiss and she gave me two kisses on the cheek. This was the first time since we broke up that SHE sat ME down to talk about things and starts off the "I still miss you" stuff so this past week of VLC/enjoying myself and generally turning the tables around a bit has obviously got to her.


Txt her the next day (Friday) and just said 'hey was good talking to you last night hope you had a good one'. She replied saying 'yeah it was good and sorry if you didnt wanna talk'.


Had no contact with her yesterday (Saturday) and she went to her good mates house for the night which is where the potential rebound is staying also (so was sh*t to hear she was going there). Not too sure what happened, yes im a bit worried something mighta happened but best not to think about it. That night I was talking with my best chick mate who is her best mate and she said she "misses her best friend" (my ex) and I said "yeah..." and she said "she is changing..." to which I agreed. So even her best mate thinks shes changing and hanging out with her other friends/potential rebound group alot more these days.

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I dont know if she really wanted to say something, it's hard to guess what she really wanted to talk about... maybe on your next conversation if theres any chance, you might want to make her a bit more comfortable talking to you (so she will feel that you're in the mood for a talk), but if she didn't brought that up, you might want to try to bring that up lets say for example tell her that you're sorry that you didnt feel talking the last time you've met and tell her that if she ever want to tell something "important", you're open to liten to her... If what she wants to talk about is really important, she might tell it to you or after a few days...


You've said potential rebound, does it mean they havent hooked up yet, even before the last time you saw her and before the breakup?...

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It was about me "avoiding her" and saying we shouldnt txt/email so much. So I told her why and that it was best.


Yes i dont believe they have hooked up yet although the last week and a half I haven't had an idea what shes been up to due to VLC/NC. Im pretty sure they haven't done anything yet but like I said she was around there last night with her other mates and he was probably there and she probably drank and stayed the night so who knows. I know she isn't going to rush into anything with him but if shes been drinking whats to stop her from getting with him?

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Feeling pretty down today. Had an awkward txt exchange today with her today as I was hoping that I could have a chance to hang with her today but think she was only keen if other people hung with us as well. In the end told her we should "just leave it for 2mrw".


Stupid me, should of just left it!


Damn I hate sundays, such a depressing day. Words of encouragement/wisdom anyone?

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Feeling pretty down today. Had an awkward txt exchange today with her today as I was hoping that I could have a chance to hang with her today but think she was only keen if other people hung with us as well. In the end told her we should "just leave it for 2mrw".


Stupid me, should of just left it!


Damn I hate sundays, such a depressing day. Words of encouragement/wisdom anyone?


So what you've both planned didn't happened?... Sad to hear that, maybe just disappear for awhile, dont let her get used to you being easily avilable and let her realise what she has done today...


Sorry mate, I cant give any words of wisdom/encouragement, I feel down too today... good luck to us both...

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hmmm seems like what you said is true fr0z3n, all us dumpee seem to be very together! we all fell down together!


my bad day was yesterday.


hey tangz, sorry i haven't been able to keep up.

let yourself vent a little and then look at what happened, every thing has two sides to it, the winner and the loser. look at the events, but think as the winner always. im sure you can find something positive in everything, and that my friend will pull you thru.

just think about it, one more day with out her. one more day to miss you. one more step towards you. you ended the convo in leave it for tomorrow! not her, you had final say.

sunday, yeah sundays aren't meant for working, i may not be a christian but even the bible says we must rest that day! lol!

me, i think of sundays as hangover day, the day to get my act together and get my energy together for one more week!

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Haha yes us 3 having the same bad days. Bloody Sundays!!!


Yeah frozen didnt work out, basically I got the hint that she was only keen to come around if some of our other friends were gonna be around (fair enough) in which only one of our mates came around so I basically said 'don't worry about it, maybe tomorrow'.


It was dumb. But at least I have a week of NC/VLC to look forward too which will get me back into good moods.


Thanks for the advice getbii, as usual you have great encouragement. Yes I ended the convo first! Albeit i hope she doesn't think im playing games by hinting to hang out but blowing her off in the end.... Ahh well ill take the positives out of it regardless and that was telling her not to bother coming around!

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