How should I approach this (staying friends/winning her back)

[Tangz]

Gf of 4 years broke up with me. Smooth break up, wants to do her own thing and believes "spark" isn't there. Still loves and cares for me.

 

Now im starting to feel good about things 3 weeks into the break up but I don't want to let go to what we had. She is such a great person that I truly believe she is worth keeping in my life, I cant think of any negatives that would convince myself otherwise.

 

I have to put a plan into place to win her back down the road. In the near future the chances of us getting back are next to nothing. She said it her self ("not for a few years") and she is quite a strong willed person. There is also some other guy involved that she has small feelings for that kills the situation a little more. However I believe there is a possibility of getting her back maybe 4-6 months down the line possibly longer.

 

I have to:

a) first and foremost give her the space she needs and let her do "her own thing" as she wants. no pressuring or playing with her emotions.

b) contact to 'medium'. we share the same friends so will be seeing each other. It is likely we will be in contact quite often and she is still txting me each day. I think here I have to let her make initial contact and keep txts short and sweet - kind of relating to point a).

c) work on myself. Keep busy and do things I wouldn't usually do that would surprise her - (e.g im not a very independent person so her knowing I did things/went places by myself... make decisions by myself). Also keep up a great physical appearance, constant hair cuts (something she always hounded me on!), working out, new clothes etc. Make her think Ive changed into a better and more independent person that can stand on my own two feet.

d) be happy and confident around her all the time! When us friends are all out I have to be happy, confident, talkative, and look like im having a great time.

e) drop cheeky smiles or lines at her once in a while. just something small to subconsciously let her know Im still attracted to her and to reignite the "spark" we lost.

 

Thoughts?

[Dako]

It appears she's moving on, and three weeks aren't enough to get over it.

You might re-invent yourself but she knows the real you.

 

The real you might be fine.

[DN]

I think you would be far better off finding someone else.

[jenmar]

this is a recipe for disaster, especially if there is someone else involved on her end.

 

Staying friends with her will not make her realize that she misses you- it could make her realize that you both are better off as friends.

I would go NC for now.. start working on yourself and moving on. The sooner you do it the easier.

every time you talk to her there will be hope in your eyes, but friendship in hers.

[feejruin]

every time you talk to her there will be hope in your eyes, but friendship in hers.

 

that's beautifully put.

[Tangz]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Its kind of hard not stay friends as we have the same circle of friends so we will still see each other.

 

I think the goals I have set are great personal growth goals (each point aside from point a is working on myself and improving weak areas). This break up could lead to a good thing for me whether or not I get her back.

 

Do you think keeping a strict NC rule for a while would have better benefits? I feel this may push her away and I could lose her forever. I also read Al Turtles work who said to contact less than you normally would - not stop contact altogeather.

[abigheart]

Its kind of hard not stay friends as we have the same circle of friends so we will still see each other.

 

I think the goals I have set are great personal growth goals (each point aside from point a is working on myself and improving weak areas). This break up could lead to a good thing for me whether or not I get her back.

 

Do you think keeping a strict NC rule for a while would have better benefits? I feel this may push her away and I could lose her forever. I also read Al Turtles work who said to contact less than you normally would - not stop contact altogeather.

 

Yes, I really do think you should stick with NC. You say you already have a set of personal growth goals, and I think they are best achieved by maintaining NC. Maybe once you're healed a bit, you can move into LC. Like you, I would also love for my ex to come back, but during this break-up period I have noticed my own weak areas as well that may have contributed to the downfall of our relationship even though he never fully said it outright and only stuck by saying he's not ready for a long-term relationship and "it's not you, it's me."

 

So how can I expect my ex to take me back immediately when I myself haven't changed, worked on the areas I need to? Time really opens your eyes I feel for both the dumper and dumpee. And of course it is important to realize that you (and I) are not working on these areas to solely win back the ex. NC does provide a possible win-win situation: you have time to heal, but you also give yourself a chance to grow and learn a lot more than you think you ever will. Who knows, maybe during this process you'll see your ex wasn't really what you wanted in the end (even though that IS hard to say and think now...) Or maybe your ex will return, we don't know. There was a great thread from which a user named Zorba wrote some fantastic stuff. Search his posts? Best of luck!

[Tangz]

Thank you! Good advice and i will read his posts.

 

Yup with time I may feel as tho she isn't what I want back but yes its hard to feel/admit that now!

 

I have worked out where I went wrong, and that was loosing the intimacy we once had and the "spark" we once had. I think alot of that was because I was trying to be a tough guy who didnt wasn't a "wussy soapy lover boy". The problem is with NC is that with NC I cant reignite the spark. Maybe I could keep up NC for a while and when I feel its time (and if I still feel the same about this and want her back) to start making a move. I think maybe for the both us time apart is what we both need?

 

God just as I write this I ring my best chick mate who is also HER best mate to talk about stuff and she happened to be with my ex so now my ex obviously knows im feeling down and has just txting me asking if im all good! I need for her to think im doing okay.

[Ms Darcy]

my ex obviously knows im feeling down and has just txting me asking if im all good! I need for her to think im doing okay.

 

I think this is the number 1 reason you need to cut all contact with her ... and reduce it with her friend.

[Tangz]

Wow that sucks because as I said "her friend" is my good friend too. Maybe I just need to keep the topic of her away when im with our mutual friend here.

 

Oh and I cant cut all contact with the ex as we have the same circle of friends and we all go out fri/sat nights. I can make up excuses and avoid it on some occasions though "us boys are doing our own thing tonight" kind of excuse.

[Zerohero]

I'd begin the healing process now if I were you. The more you contact, and try to talk to her , the more she will push you away. Time to begin and age old journey we all must take time, and time again.

[Ms Darcy]

Oh and I cant cut all contact with the ex as we have the same circle of friends and we all go out fri/sat nights. I can make up excuses and avoid it on some occasions though "us boys are doing our own thing tonight" kind of excuse.

 

Hypothetical question for you. What's more important to you: getting back with your ex or hanging out with your friends every weekend?

[Tangz]

Zerohero - yup I am. Ive read so much the past few days that its helped alot and Im starting to feel good. The healing process starts now. When she txts me tomorrow, and when I ignore and she asks why im not txting back I have to make the very hard decision on whether to say "Hey, I think we should stop with the txting to see how we are and what we're up to" or not (which will probably shock the pants of her and leave me in a worrying state if I should of said that or not).

 

Ms Darcy - Jeez thats about asking me to choose between my friends or my girlfriend! Hanging with my friends is going to help me move on. Getting back with my ex is what I want. I put it like this - getting back with my ex is more important than having an average or run of the mill Fri/Sat night with all our friends.

[Ms Darcy]

Ms Darcy - Jeez thats about asking me to choose between my friends or my girlfriend! Hanging with my friends is going to help me move on. Getting back with my ex is what I want. I put it like this - getting back with my ex is more important than having an average or run of the mill Fri/Sat night with all our friends.

 

I was really just curious how you saw it. I don't think you have to give up your friends to get her back. That's really up to her. I do think that it may help you to reduce contact with them for a while since you are struggling right now.

[Tangz]

The good thing is that theres "us boys" and the "the girls" in our group. Within our group everyone has a relationship with each other with only 2 (well now 4 ppl in total!) guys being the only single ones. This means theres alot of times where "us boys" go and do our own thing and "the girls" are doing theres. So I can definitely work around this.

[ebik]

Make her think Ive changed into a better and more independent person that can stand on my own two feet.

 

this almost makes it sound as though you want to trick her?

 

even if you did show her you had changed.. how long would it be before you went back to your own ways? how it was before?

[Tangz]

ebik - Yes this is something im scared of. After all my efforts, all the belief I had in us, in myself, that I get back with her and im back to my old ways. That everything was fake and in vain. But this is why I have to get in the mindset that all these changes are for MYSELF and to better MYSELF and not for her. I should re-word that too "She will KNOW that ive changed into a better person".

[Lifes4Living]

everyone here is correct. if you hold onto the candle of hope you are actually setting yourself up for a whole lot of hurt. sounds like you are masking the reality of it all by holding onto the fact you might get back together, so in essence by thinking you will get her back together with your ex you are taking away the whole process of healing. Its a dangerous game you are playing, with yourself.

 

sounds like you are in the wrong forum anyhow? this is healing vs getting back with ur ex or am i wrong is there a forum on here for that? not sure.

[Tangz]

It makes me feel better now yes, I feel as though that this hope gets me into a happy place and can actually help me get over it - as one of the rules of trying to win your ex back is 'to get over it and let go'. By following this rule it eventually happens and I would feel much better about the break up with the less chance to get hurt if we don't work out in the future as I would have let go.

 

Argh im not good at explaining!!

[fr0z3n]

Dude here is my suggestion... If you have something planned for yourself, stick to it... I know it's hard not to think about her, maybe let yourself think about her but it must have a limitation and dont dwell on it... Focus on yourself, my GF for 1 yr (now my ex) also told me this line before our BU "She wants to do her own things" and you know what does it means? it means she wants to live her life without you, that also means she doesn't need you anymore... I know it sucks and it hurts but it's her life... After the breakup shes not your concern anymore... "FOCUS" on yourself, let her go, if she'll come back she will, dont bother thinking about it...

 

Another thing is, dont plan to do things for her like doing things that she might like, doing things to show her that you have changed, etc... Just do what you want for your self, not for her...

[Lifes4Living]

I know how hard it is to really let go and move on, and going to a happy place seems like an easy way to numb the pain. But i think everyone here reading this would be concerned that by doing that, you are still actually emotionally involved on quite some level with your ex, and should they not come back and end up say, engaged or getting married, even invite you to the wedding, it could plunge you into a deeper darker place then you can imagine.

 

but... we do wish you all the best, we only say this out of concern because weve all been there and had our hearts shattered into a million pieces.

[Tangz]

"She wants to do her own things" and you know what does it means? it means she wants to live her life without you, that also means she doesn't need you anymore...

 

How is/did your ex treat you afterwards though?

 

And thanks for the replies everyone. May not be what I want to hear but im taking it in.

[fr0z3n]

How is/did your ex treat you afterwards though?

 

And thanks for the replies everyone. May not be what I want to hear but im taking it in.

 

She contacted me and said hi the next day... I really went NC and I'm not contacting her, I'm not even thinking about to contact her... Like her, Im just doing my own things too...

 

I hope shes fine and I wish her the best... But because shes not my concern anymore, I'll just focus on myself, improve my strengts and accomplish some things...

[Tangz]

Good for you mate.

[fr0z3n]

thanks dude... you can feel better too... just let your self be happy as you can be (without her) for now... We dont know what in store for us in the future...