Jump to content

How to respond when ex (dumper) is missing me?


happypeople

Recommended Posts

Have been 2 months with absolutely NC. 6 1/2 months since the break up. (I'm the dumpee here)

 

Suddenly she starts to contact me. Mostly with texting.

What/How do I respond when she says she misses me so much, still thinks a lot about me and us, feels it's so strange that we're not a couple anymore and blahbla.

 

I mean, SHE is the dumper here. Is she just lonely at the moment or do you guys think this is a hint? I feel that I'm not the one to bring up the reconciliation issue? But I think she has feelings for me, still. Why contact me in this way, after 6 months, if not?

 

I have feelings for her...but they've changed. But something inside me tells that she is the one

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you read my post, you see the inner machinations *I* go through... I'm the woman, I guess I'm the dumper.

 

I was sure I needed things to change with us, VERY sure I did not want to end.

 

Honestly, did not think they would end, but they did.

 

After 1.5 years, I miss him like crazy. Always have.

 

So, in your mind, you are like, "Just tell me?!?!?!!?"

 

In her mind, she's probably thinking, "why would he want me back after I did that to him and hurt him" ...

 

I'm happy for you, honestly. I am now in the process of doing the same with my ex and hoping he is happy to hear from me, happier to go have dinner, and we can rekindle what had been the love of a lifetime.

 

Good luck to you... she sounds as scared as I am to make that move and be rejected.

 

Dumpers hurt too.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Maybe you should arrange for a quick coffee date or something, that would give you the chance to see how you feel about being around her again w/o too much commitment on either of your parts. Something like that could either validate the feelings you have for each other, or force you to realize that you don't want her anymore. You don't have to bring up reconciliation on the first meeting, but if you can handle the emotional outlay I have a feeling just catching up could help you straighten out your mind.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with PKNY, go for a coffee and see how it goes. It's hard to convey emotions and stuff via text, so I'm sure after a meet up you'll be in a greater position to see what she wants and what you do too.

 

Good luck with it all!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks friends!

I think some of the reasons for the break up was that she had personal issues, I took her for granted and I didn't attract her in the end...I have to face that, and I think it's healthy (I've learned so much)

 

We live in different cities now, so it's hard to plan a coffee meet up.

Anyway, I want to take this with baby steps (I have to feel confident and 100% ready, but I don't think that is easy)

 

The first month after the break up, I did all the mistakes. But when I realized it probably happened for a reason, it was easier to move on. Now I'm a happy person. And because of that, I always answer her calls and texts in a positive manner. But it's a thin line, I don't want to be her puppy and I don't want to push. Hopelives: Your approach to the problem was very interesting. What would be the best way to make you understand your ex's feelings? In what way would you like him to communicate it, without rushing and pushing?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree luckyman. And I've noticed the less I respond, the more she brings up...

Right now, I'm happy at the fence...but if this is an obvious opportunity, I don't want to ruin it. But I think it has been hard for her to open up and tell me all this stuff...I respect her for that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Have been 2 months with absolutely NC. 6 1/2 months since the break up. (I'm the dumpee here)

 

Suddenly she starts to contact me. Mostly with texting.

What/How do I respond when she says she misses me so much, still thinks a lot about me and us, feels it's so strange that we're not a couple anymore and blahbla.

 

I mean, SHE is the dumper here. Is she just lonely at the moment or do you guys think this is a hint? I feel that I'm not the one to bring up the reconciliation issue? But I think she has feelings for me, still. Why contact me in this way, after 6 months, if not?

 

I have feelings for her...but they've changed. But something inside me tells that she is the one

 

 

I would love to be in your position right now. Your story reminds me of mine...he dumped me around the same time. Told me he lost feelings and found someone new. A week ago, I received an email from him asking me how I am after NC for 2 months. His facebook picture was changed to a teddy bear I gave him a while back.

I wish he would just blurt out his intentions. This girl seems to be missing you, and you guys will probably work something out. Just make sure she earns your trust though.

 

I have a question, how did your ex start contacting you? Did she start texting you right away telling you how much she misses you or did she slowly start opening up her feelings as time progressed? I'm debating on whether I should continue communication with my ex, don't know if its going anywhere...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Happypeople,

 

I would want him to say or show:

 

1) that he's interested beyond NOT blocking me on the dating site

 

2) show me that the reasons I felt neglected were resolved through action, words, deeds

 

3) accept my invitation to dinner and let things flow

 

I would not want him to all of a sudden call me 10x a day, text me 20x a day, or email every other pounding thought in his brain. I'd be like, "umm.... mkay... maybe not so much."

 

We're older, I suspect. He is 55, I'm 45. Dating is odder at our ages, sadly.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi there!

First of all: maybe you are in my position? In fact, I don't know which position I'm in... - As far as I know, she has not been involved in a new relationship. Maybe she is right now, and feel stressed about it?

I would like to hear how female dumpers think... What do they miss? What is my ex missing about us? I'm afraid to give it a go, because this might be moments of loneliness to her, rather than anything else.

I'm glad I deleted my facebook account years ago. (so that I have one thing less to worry about )

 

Anyway, it started 2 March 00:48AM with this text: "Good night "

I answered short and happy.

Then she sort of opened up a bit:

"My dear *my name*. I still *love you (*in my language we have a word close to LOVE, but "milder" or "downsized" if you understand?) and think about you. You are so ...blahblah...and I miss you a lot. Why aren't we a couple anymore?"

I chose not to respond in the same words with those feelings, but I didn't ignored anything. (I'm not willing to get hurt again, unless she's willing to show that she is serious about this - and that's why I wrote this thread - what signs should I look after and how to respond? - Yes, I want here back)

 

Then I stayed NC, thinking this was only one of her lonely times, but 25 March she texted again: "Good morning! Slept well? I'll never forget how lovely it was to wake up and see your happy face How is your day today?" ...some sms' back and forth...and then (and I think this was sort of creepy): She sent a picture of her new born niece, asking me questions like when I wanted to be a father and stuff like that (I'm 28, she is 27)...

 

Same again, I stayed NC. And the night after (2 o'clock): "How was the stand up show?" ....AND the night after: 27 March - "What's up

I was a little drunk that night, and I didn't answer it until the morning. In the same message I asked if she was awake (a hint that I was going to call - she know I prefer talking rather sending hundred of sms'.) She responded after one our, "Yes I'm awake *smiley* I'm soon meeting a girl friend. Have a nice day"

 

(this is the short version, but I think it's summarized OK and tells the most important)

 

I'm so unsure what to think, so I'm not doing anything about it. I feel she is the one to make the next move...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Happypeople,

 

I would want him to say or show:

 

1) that he's interested beyond NOT blocking me on the dating site

 

2) show me that the reasons I felt neglected were resolved through action, words, deeds

 

3) accept my invitation to dinner and let things flow

 

I would not want him to all of a sudden call me 10x a day, text me 20x a day, or email every other pounding thought in his brain. I'd be like, "umm.... mkay... maybe not so much."

 

We're older, I suspect. He is 55, I'm 45. Dating is odder at our ages, sadly.

 

1) that he's interested beyond NOT blocking me on the dating site

>> Hmm...ok

 

2) show me that the reasons I felt neglected were resolved through action, words, deeds

>> I guess this is important. Especially with action. But it's hard to make a move in my position. I'm afraid to push her away in my tries to show the new side of me (because I HAVE changed...to the better, no matter if it's a cliché) And the geographical distance between us, doesn't make it easier...

How do I do this!?

 

3) accept my invitation to dinner and let things flow

>> If I'll get one...I'll play hard to get...but accept it with a big smile at the end

 

I would not want him to all of a sudden call me 10x a day, text me 20x a day, or email every other pounding thought in his brain. I'd be like, "umm.... mkay... maybe not so much."

>> I'm safe

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1) that he's interested beyond NOT blocking me on the dating site

>> Hmm...ok

 

3) accept my invitation to dinner and let things flow

>> If I'll get one...I'll play hard to get...but accept it with a big smile at the end

 

A few weeks ago, he added me as a favorite on a dating site. My profile had no picture. His profile that I winked at last year, did NOT have his.

 

So now, we're 1 each

 

Tbh, if he played hard to get and made me work for that first dinner, I'd be thinking, "he really is not interested" and it would scare me off again.

 

A day or two lag is fine but not like, "you know..........." and then say yes?

 

As for how you show that you have changed - be attentive without overburdening her.

 

For instance, if my ex were to make plans with me, and then NOT change them for kids (who are all over 18 now), I would happy. Last time, we'd have plans and then he'd change them up all the time because his kids called and needed him (only one was still in school).

 

What would I need to change?

 

I took his phone calls for granted. I assumed I'd always get them.

 

I can't tell you how sorry I am ... and what I would not do to get one now with his voice on the other end saying he was happy to hear from me.

 

Keep us posted! Happy stories give us all hope - whether with an ex or with a new love.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hmm. Is she playing or am I too analysing? She just texted me asking how my Easter holiday was. At the end she asked if I could FedEx her bicycle. (it's still at my place)

What to respond? I don't want to be her waiter, but at the same time I think she use this stuff to get in contact. (it's one week since she said loved and cared for me sooooo much)

Maybe it's time to try some talking again? I haven't replied yet...I'm considering to make a call later today?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hmm. Is she playing or am I too analysing? She just texted me asking how my Easter holiday was. At the end she asked if I could FedEx her bicycle. (it's still at my place)

What to respond? I don't want to be her waiter, but at the same time I think she use this stuff to get in contact. (it's one week since she said loved and cared for me sooooo much)

Maybe it's time to try some talking again? I haven't replied yet...I'm considering to make a call later today?

 

How feasible is it to try to get back with someone who is 300 miles away?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Are you guys serious? Do you really mean that what you maybe consider the love of your life is not worth a 45 minutes flight? I'm not saying it makes things easier but...

She finished her education last year and had to move to get work as a dentist. I think this is an almost non existing issue for both of us, and didn't influence the break up very much (I think).

It's been 7 months now, we've met 2 times, and been in contact most of the time. The last 2-3 months I committed to NC. I felt better and grew stronger. Then suddenly she text me all this strange stuff. (missing me, still love and care for me, question the fact that we're not a couple anymore and so on) I think I'm set back after this, but at least I want to know what she really means with this.

I called her yesterday (last time was around Christmas). Yes, maybe I used her last text from her (about the bicycle and Easter) as an excuse for myself. The conversation was cheerful and happy, but none of us opened up. It was late, and after 40 minutes she wanted to say goodbye due to her work very early the next morning. (I also think she was in some sort of emotional mood) Anyway, she said she will call me back. I don't have big hopes for anything, but I really want to just be with her and do something fun. Should I forget about this or is it ok to reflect some of the same feelings? (But maybe she was just lonely and in the blues when she texted me those words?) I'm so unsure right now...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Is there any reason why she cannot come to you and get the bike?

 

As the dumpee, you've had your hands full with NC.

 

FedExing a bike is actually a fair amount of time, effort and money. I get that she may be feeing weird but I also don't think it is fair just for her to ask her to be your waiter, as you alluded to.

 

I think she might as well come get the bike, and see you at the same time since she is the one who initiated this contact.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Is there any reason why she cannot come to you and get the bike?

 

As the dumpee, you've had your hands full with NC.

 

FedExing a bike is actually a fair amount of time, effort and money. I get that she may be feeing weird but I also don't think it is fair just for her to ask her to be your waiter, as you alluded to.

 

I think she might as well come get the bike, and see you at the same time since she is the one who initiated this contact.

 

I think you have a very good point. And I'm trying to be aware of this.

In fact we didn't discuss the bicycle thing yesterday...

Anyway, you reminded me that I'll not put in much energy to let her get her bike back... I'll maybe tease her about come and get it herself, when she call back.

I'm very aware of the fact that this girl may be history to me, and I have to move on. But I've come to this point where I don't have anything more to loose, and without rushing it, I will not ignore what may be a reach out from her. (she is a stubborn person, that often bottle up her feelings, so it may be a big step for her, to actually communicate this)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...