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What does it mean?


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Ok, I've tasked myself with "cleaning house" as it were. So crawling up into the attic this evening, and need to bounce some thoughts.

 

I've been married 24 years, and it appears that I'm facing the end of it. It doesn't feel so much like something that I sought. Rather it feels like big awful monster knocking at my door, saying "DEAL WITH ME, 'COS I'M NEVER GOING AWAY!".

 

So questions...

 

Is marriage supposed to feel like a chronic low-level dull pain that never ends? Because that has been my experience with few exceptions.

 

I'm sitting here in the living room at home, feeling bored and trapped. Is this what its like for everyone?

 

I'd say to her lets get out of here for a while, go do something - just us, but I don't feel motivated to do so at all. I think it would just involve tedious conversation on topics I have no interest in. Like her job, her family, what happened at bingo tonight, yadda yadda yadda... Boring boring boring. I could think of a bazillion things to talk about, but I know that each one will last 20 seconds and fizzle out with her.

 

So we both end up sitting here just typing into our laptop computers, not talking at all.

 

Is that what its like for everyone?

 

The only thing that would make me feel better would be to get out of here by myself, go talk to a bartender somewhere, and have an honest-to-goodness two-way conversation.

 

After 24 years is there supposed to be absolutely zero physical attraction or romantic interest? Does everyone just live with that?

 

I mean for most of our years up to now.. sex 1-2 times a week - I would have considered perfect, and I was really attracted to her for a long time.. even after she started gaining weight, I still thought she was hot.

 

But it was never frequent enough. Her speed was more once every 1-2 months.

 

It got really bad after our second daughter. For three years, I tried to initiate... nothing. It got to a point where my trying to initiate would just lead to short words and tension.. that was seven years ago.

 

I lost all interest after that.

 

We have two kids - one a teenager, the other a preteen.

 

She's very critical with the kids. I think she almost acts with a vindictiveness toward the older one - because she's daddy's girl. Usually when she's talking to the older one, it is with what I call frost-covered words. I think she feels she has difficulty controlling her.

 

It is very upsetting to me.

 

Is this an everyday thing in a normal marriage?

 

The spectre of the end of my marriage is knocking on the door. It won't go away. It keeps knocking...

 

I just want to talk to my wife. I still care about her and hurting her will hurt me greatly.

 

Just once I'd like to have a conversation with her that makes sense. I tried to reach her tonight and got led in a big circle that went nowhere.

 

Do you know how when a loved one dies, or is at the end of their life - when you realize how much you may have taken for granted over the years... in spite of all the fighting and hurt there may have been - how you just want to put your arms around them, and tell them how sorry you are that things weren't better? How you wish there is something else you could have done to help to make it better? Could have found to do?

 

I just can't reach her.. its like she's on another planet.

 

There were some good times. There were moments. I still remember them.

 

I'm blank.. my eyes are throbbing. I have to stop here.

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I've only been married five years... but so far I haven't experienced anything like that. More importantly, my parents have been married for 38 years, they argue, but they laugh a lot, are affectionate with each other & still very social with friends & family. My grandparents were the same. When my grandmother died 50 years into their marriage, my grandfather told me in every conversation we had, "I miss my wife.".

 

I'm so sorry that you and your family are suffering right now. Maybe if you explained to your wife that it's gotten to the point you find yourself considering divorce, you could convince her to enter into marriage counseling with you.

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Awwww I dont think it should be like that, but what do I know I'm still young and nieve. but from what Ive seen go on, the only way to settle these things is to talk it out. or if maybe she wont listen and tries to jump down your throat before you can even finnish a thought maybe a heartfelt letter?

 

I think in any realationship comprimise is a big thing and it sounds like you are just getting comprimised! its not supposed to be like that. a marriage I would think is alot of work to maintain much like a sports car you have to make sure to take care of it or it will break down and rust out before its time. maybe its time you guys take it back to square one? maybe your marriage needs a tune up? perhaps the kids could stay at friends houses for a bit and maybe you two should get away from the stresses of every day life. have one on one time with one another. after all People change as time passes so maybe you guys need to get reaquainted?

 

after all if everything was bliss how you you pick out the truly beautiful moments?

 

of course im just a nieve 23 year old so what do i know right?

 

Just my 2 cents worth though.

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Only you know what is in your heart, as your wife knows what is in hers. Since there are two kids involved you have to consider them as well. I know when I was where you are at I got so focused on my thoughts and what I thought would fix things that often I did not see the big picture, could not see little things that my wife was doing to reach out because it was not what I was looking for. Maybe if I had paid attention she would have pulled back from the other man. Could things have been different? I'll never know. What I do know is that when I figured out what had happened I tried to make ammends for being self absorbed. I tried to rebuild the bridges. I left no stone unturned and I can look forward knowing I did all I could do. As long as there is no infidelity I think you have a chance to rebuild. Once one of you actively decides to move on however, I doubt there will be hope. If you think there is hope I would seek help. I hope my hindsight is beneficial to you, I saw the writing on the wall too late. Perhaps you have too, but at least you have seen it and what are you going to do now that you know something is broken is the important question?

 

You are who you are and she is who she is but she was the one you loved, married and had children with, what has happened to you, to her. Are the core people still there? Have you changed all that much? You still care? If you look deeply into your heart and know the answers then take what you know and move forward. If you still have questions, get help, move forward by finding answers.

 

IMO there are two things to keep in mind:

1. You must move forward, you are stuck and feel lost. Work on finding a direction and put everything into moving forward.

2. Never forget your kids. All of your actions will affect them and those acions should be planned to minimize the negative affects on their lives. It is your duty to be mindful of how your choices to act or not to act affect their lives.

 

Good luck, you are not alone.

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