What Do You Think?

[will2112]

My ex wife and I haven't spoken for 16 years and we live in different states. We had no children together, first loves, I asked for the divorce but never stopped loving her. I won't go into that now, let's just say that we both were young. It hurt both of us deeply. There was no affair we were faithful to one another. I tried contacting her by letter 6 years after the divorce to say hello and offer my condolences for her fathers death. I never heard anything back. 3 months ago she made first contact through FB in a friendly manner and apologized for not replying to my letter. She never remarried, I did remarry, but have never been able to move on and that is why I am divorcing now. It should be said that my current wife and I are separated and soon to be divorced and that decision was made long before I ever heard from my first wife. After a few pleasant FB emails we switched to regular email because I told her how strange it was moving back to FL, she wanted to know why it was strange. I told her about regret, remorse, what it would be like if we were still together, and so on. I accepted full responsibility for what happened even though there are 2 sides to every story. It brought her to tears. It was then that she changed her FB status from "relationship" to "complicated."

 

After a few more emails of catching up I decided to tell her about the divorce I am going through now. It was then her demeanor changed, she was sorry that things went that way for me but she gave me her phone number because "emails are nice but a quick text is too." No mention of talking. Every time I have mentioned something about memories or whatever she wants to know what it means. She's fishing I know. I have said a couple of endearing things to her, things I should have said long ago. She has been open and receptive to what I have said but not much in return. But she has been very supportive of my art and my recent accomplishments, perhaps my biggest supporter. We text once or twice a week just to say hey or talk about something that happened. We tried chatting but I mentioned something about memories she wanted to know what memories (fishing again) and I told her they were about her and she said she was sad and sorry but she had to go. It definitely was hard for her to talk about. We are still talking after that but haven't mentioned the past since then. Because we are still talking she's apparently not for sorry for contacting me.

 

I haven't directly told her how I feel but I have made it fairly clear and she is still talking to me. I know she still cares but I wanted to see if anyone has any thoughts about her wanting to to get back together based on what I've written. I plan to call sometime in the near future. All I can say is that it is a very surreal situation to go this long without contact but it seems like it all went down yesterday sometimes. For me it's a very delicate situation because I have hoped for this for all of these years. Thanks for listening.

[vertigoxo]

Wow.

 

Sounds like she is still in love with you but doesn't know what to do. Maybe you should ask her if it's okay to call her every once and a while. Then slowly increase the contact to the point where you two are more comfortable with one another and hopefully, either one of you asks each other out for a cup of coffee to "catch up".

[eggplant47]

It's been so long & surely you guys have changed soooo much since you were young you're basically back to square 1.

 

I'd say the next step is getting together for coffee. Try to go with no more expectations than you would any other first date/meeting. I know it's hard, but you don't want to put too much pressure on the two of you when you're just starting to figure things out.

[minou]

What an amazing story. It's certainly possible. Good luck. Keep us posted. Have you seen this?

 

link removed

[will2112]

I really appreciate ya'll taking the time to respond! I was thinking about trying to call her last night but I was so nervous. But I can honestly say that I feel that she wants to talk but is worried about getting emotional and the fact that even though I will be divorced legally in a few weeks she doesn't want to interfere. We haven't emailed in sometime and it's all been text messages but some of her questions and mine require more of an answer that can be done in a text. I'm not pushy at all and I asked her about talking on the phone and she didn't reply to that question specifically but did reply to other questions in the same text. I think it's up to me. I remember our last phone call from 16 years ago and she called about an outstanding bill left behind after our divorce and her voice was so sweet, she said call me back and I said I would but I didn't. So I guess it's time for me to return that call.

[asiu]

this story sounds soooo sweeeet! i am so excited for you.

 

at this stage, maybe she is still surprised by how things are turning out between u guys after so many years. sounds like she is a little hesitant, she might just be nervous of the whole idea of you guys getting back together. or she might be holding back until u are fully divorced to make things a bit more comfortable.

 

it seems like she doesn't really like or know how respond to your reminiscing about old times. so memories might be a sensitive subject and it's probably best not to mention them for a while.

 

i am guilty of reading one or two of those 'win your ex back' books. in a nutshell, the moral of the story is that - during the period of no contact, you are to reclaim your life back and find yourself again. and build yourself to be the best you can be - your intentions have to be wanting it for yourself instead of doing it for anyone else of course. when you've done all that and evaluated all the things that lead you to still want a reconciliation, then u are ready make contact again.

 

when initial contact has been made and the ex is open to communication, it is very important to keep things light and pleasant!!! and you must not bring up the past at all. the goal at this point is to show the best version of yourself to the ex and when u two have a pleasant time around each other the ex will naturally remember how good it is to be with you. after spending some time going on dates and creating new pleasant moments to remember, u may start to approach the reconciliation subject with the ex and go from there.

 

so for you, i suggest proceeding with caution, take things nice and slow but have fun with each other. i think you can start to call her on the phone, make some pleasant small talk and ask her out for coffee. it's something casual and not overly date sounding, because something too date-like may make them hesitant. if the ex is rejects the idea then say it's alright no big deal. don't push it and change the subject and end the call. u might want to wait just a little time before contacting and asking again.

 

if she agrees to come out, have fun, chat and ask about her life, but keep the meeting around or under an hour. u may want really bad to stay with each other for hours and hours but it's always better to end things at a nice point where u are left wanting more and anticipating the next get together than to spend so much time together u overdose. from coffee date, u can move forward to other fun activities. just think of cool things you'll want to do to create new experiences with each other!

 

be patient!!!! but after at least a few good months of chill, fun hang out sessions, showing SOME interest without coming on too strong by flirting a little and what not. during one of the happy instances, ride on that moment and say "we were really great together weren't we" be silent after that. she what she has to say about it. if she is does not disagree, proceed by saying "Let's be together again."

 

 

this is basically the procedure i've come to understand and has worked for me personally. my ex came asking to be back with me after our pleasant experiences (given the ex must be in a place that is ready for a relationship as well). our relationship ended again eventually but that is a whole other story.

 

 

your number one goal now would be to keep things SHORT, CASUAL, FUN, SWEET & DON'T MENTION THE PAST be it good or bad stuff.

 

hope this helps. other ppl pls feel free to add or subtract from my suggestions?

 

good luck to you!!

[asiu]

groom yourself, work out, look your best, be your best. make yourself an interesting person. SHOW her you ARE really the best choice for her.

[jimmajam]

After 16 years I say follow your heart and go for what you want like it's the first time. Sure you have history, but 16 years is a looooong time. Things have been forgotten, some remember, grudges have probably weakened if not disappeared. Go for it.

[will2112]

Thank you very much, I really appreciate the input. We don't have a choice but to go slow she lives on the west coast and me on the east (US) literally. She just started work and is bound by an 18 month contract and I am starting a second business. So we won't be seeing one another anytime soon. I keep thinking about the fact that if there wasn't anything more than just being friends then we would have no problem talking on the phone. However, we both seem to be having trouble with that idea. I know my reason for it.

[will2112]

I followed my heart... I tried to call and left a voicemail. She texted back and said thanks for calling and it is was weird to hear my voice after all these years but doesn't think now would be a good time to talk, said she didn't know exactly why though. So I sent her an email honestly telling her how I feel just in case she has only been interested in me and has no intentions of getting back and didn't want to lead me along. I wanted to give her a way out, I don't want any of this to hurt her. Even though it's 16 years later, it seems easy for it to all seem like it only happened yesterday considering we haven't spoken since way back then. I told her among other things that if someone asked me about whether or not I see us together again my answer would be I don't know because I can't speak for you but I have always... always had hope. But we are different people now and I can't think about anything beyond that. I said I want to get to know you again and see you again someday. Now this was way more than what I wanted to say considering the circumstances, I wanted to wait until my divorce is final in a few more weeks but it seemed like a good segue into the conversation. I also told her that If she moved on then I was very happy for her (really) but that I needed to know someday because I couldn't go another 16 years wondering and that I am not pressuring her at all. I will wait. A few days later she changed her FB staus from complicated to single and cropped the fellow she was with out of the picture I waited about a week when I finally couldn't stand it and sent a text just to say hello. Not long thereafter she texted back to say sorry for not getting back sooner how are you... or something like that. We've texted back and forth since, no mention of anything else, just pleasant texts.