Pretending to be someone he's not

[ay0_x]

Hey all.

 

My boyfriend and I have been exclusive for just over a week now. He goes to my college and is in a few of the same classes as me, so I've known him for about 3 months ish (although we didnt have much contact)

 

Since we've been dating I've been hanging out with his group of friends (I'm usually a loner, something I don't mind at all) in between classes, and I've noticed a big difference between who he is in front of me, and who he is in front of them.

 

In front of me, he's a Buddhist, he's spiritual, he's very openminded, outspoken, unique and just a jawdropping person to be around. In front of his friends- who are Christians and Muslims- he's a weird mix of Christianity and Islam (he's Christian by birth and has a crucifix tattoo), throws his own opinions in the garbage and is very passive, homophobic, cliche, anti-semitic, ethnocentric...

 

 

 

It makes me really sad. There's been times I've wanted to walk off but haven't out of respect/passiveness. I know what he's doing is very, very soulcrushing: He says he's been the blacksheep all his life, and he can't show his true colours, because there isn't anyone in the world who'd totally, 100% accept him, and that he's tired of his cousins and other male relatives calling him a number of things (emo, fag, weirdo etc mostly because he has a nosering and that's not very common around here) and lecturing him to change.

 

I don't know what to do/say to help him. Has anybody been in a similar experience? or can anybody give me some advice?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I would say that you should walk away from him before you get further into the relationship. Someone who is a chameleon, who is all things to all people depending on who he happens to be with at the time, is not a very trustworthy individual. They are often backstabbers...and will be nice to your face and spit poison about you behind your back. Perhaps the person he is with you is the fake personality..the person he is pretending to be to woo you. Maybe who he is in front of his friends is more the real him. Even if the person he is with you is the real him, do you really want to hang around someone who has this much hatred in him and so much self-loathing that he doesn't know who he really is.

[helloladies21]

I would say that you should walk away from him before you get further into the relationship. Someone who is a chameleon, who is all things to all people depending on who he happens to be with at the time, is not a very trustworthy individual. They are often backstabbers...and will be nice to your face and spit poison about you behind your back. Perhaps the person he is with you is the fake personality..the person he is pretending to be to woo you. Maybe who he is in front of his friends is more the real him. Even if the person he is with you is the real him, do you really want to hang around someone who has this much hatred in him and so much self-loathing that he doesn't know who he really is.

That's quite a reach, his actions look to be a defense mechanism, not in order to manipulate people.

 

To OP, nothing he's doing looks like it has anything to do with how he feels about you, but maybe he's the only one who could convince you of that fact.

 

I know "sticking up for yourself to the world" has been romanticized by stories and the media, but what people don't see is that it often comes with a pretty heavy price tag in real life. Everyone makes their own cost benefit analysis with this. Using the analogy of a gay guy coming out of the closet, there's a lot of stigma associated with being gay. After having seen many of my friends deal with this issue, I completely understand the internal struggle people can go through when dealing with the pressures from the outside world.

 

If you care about him, be patient with him and don't judge. You don't know what he's mentally/emotionally in a position to do.

[Momake]

I would say that you should walk away from him before you get further into the relationship. Someone who is a chameleon, who is all things to all people depending on who he happens to be with at the time, is not a very trustworthy individual. They are often backstabbers...and will be nice to your face and spit poison about you behind your back. Perhaps the person he is with you is the fake personality..the person he is pretending to be to woo you. Maybe who he is in front of his friends is more the real him. Even if the person he is with you is the real him, do you really want to hang around someone who has this much hatred in him and so much self-loathing that he doesn't know who he really is.

 

Although I don't disagree with you (completely) - I think it's worthy to point out that the OP may be asking how to help her BF and not whether or not she should stay with him. Not 100% sure... but pretty sure.

 

To the OP - you have only known him for 3 months... so first off, be patient. Secondly, let him know that YOU do accept him 100% for who he is - and now who he wants to be. Also, those times you feel like "walking off" - do it. You need to show him strength in times when he's not feeling strong himself - this might backfire. So do it and see what happens. If he just gets really upset and nothing good comes of it then mend it and try another strategy.

 

Also, perhaps try finding some people that are more like who he really is (join a club or group?) so he can gain some confidence in his own ideals and thoughts through his friends/acquaintances.

[ay0_x]

Well I was kind of asking both lol =\... Whether it's worth sticking around and trying to help, or if it's early in the relationship and it's the best time to hit the road. I don't want the whole "Omg poor soul must nurture him and stick around" instinct to take over because I've been doing that much too long in past relationships.

 

CrazyAboutDogs:

I've considered that maybe who he is in front of me is the fake persona. It's hard not to give him the benefit of the doubt, especially when I know he'd think I was very cruel if I broke up with him because of this dual personality.

 

Momake:

 

I can't accept him 100% for who he is because that would mean accepting this dynamic he has going inside him. Other than that, he knows I've accepted his past drug use, the high number of women he's slept with, and other undesirable aspects of his past. He doesn't even accept himself... I'm not sure how I can.

[I_Speak_Jive]

No person who is homophobic and/or antisemitic is worthy of being with me. Why are they worthy of being with you?

 

And if he's just pretending to be those things in order to gain acceptance, well... that's even more messed up.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

So, he was a drug addict and very promiscuous....he decided that was no longer good so now he is simply homophobic, anti-semitic and tries to be whoever he needs to be to fit in with whomever he is with. I stand by what I said...RUN. You can't fix someone like that. If you are a "fixer" and want to fix the bad boys then you will end up being co-dependent. He is the classic bad boy...and plenty of women have fallen into the trap of assuming they can turn the bad boy around....just like many men have fallen into the trap of assuming they can save the emotionally troubled woman and make her all better. It never works...what always happens is the messed up person simply drags down the other one, who becomes co-dependent. Don't make him your project...he has an ugly character and you are already seeing that 3 months in.

[jul-els]

He doesn't know who he is. Big red flag. He's psyche is not on a solid foundation. Sorry, but I would run for the hills.

[In the Dark]

He's either truly the way he is around you or, he is truly the way he is around his friends.

 

So.....

He maybe the way he is to keep you but is actually who he is with his friends or

He is behaving in the manner he does around his friends so they respect him and is actually the way he is around you.

 

Many people do this.

Behave differently around certain people to gain their respect.

You just have to figure out who he truly is.

 

Oh and hello.....didn't expect you back at all......he he heh.

[helloladies21]

Oh and hello.....didn't expect you back at all......he he heh.

Lol yeah I'll still be around a little bit, though not as much as before.