"Don't wait for me"

[abigheart]

I know, this title is quite the contradiction to what this forum is about - Getting Back Together.

 

My ex bf told me not to wait for him when he broke up with me. He said it because he didn't want to mislead me or give me false hope...

 

Out of the blue, my bf told me he didn't feel ready for a long-term relationship even though we had been dating for 2 years. He says he tried to fight these feelings bad but eventually they overcame, and he felt he had to do it. He acknowledges what we have is truly something special, but he feels that this is the right thing to do on his part.

 

But I'm wondering for anyone else out there, has your ex said such things to you and really meant it? Has anyone heard these words but you two reconciled? I know I can't measure any of your successes to any possibilities of mine, but I just don't know what to make of anything anymore. Yeah, yeah I should take his word right?

 

This is just another one of those cases that ended abruptly and no, he doesn't have commitment issues. I'm his first gf, and he was my first bf as well although I dated around before a bit.

 

Any of your stories would be great...

[petite]

YEP! He sure did say it. "Don't wait for me, I can't give you false hope because I can't promise you anything. Move on". It was hard to accept that, but now that I have I realize I need and want to move on for myself. Oh, and he definitely meant it. He said it so many times, on so many different occasions and I finally accept it.

[dre760]

Yup. My ex told me the same thing. Its been about 3 months for me and were not back together. It seems to me like shes moved on completely although she did come over yesterday and kinda flirted with me.

 

I honestly don't have any advice to give you except that he probably does mean it. Just be strong at this point in time. Only worry about yourself. And believe us when we tell you, you will get better in time.

[abigheart]

Thanks for both your responses.

 

I've been reading all these threads about that whole reverse psychology thing and people getting back together, and it's been giving me such high hopes, sigh.

 

I gotta bring myself down to earth and move on...

[dre760]

Thanks for both your responses.

 

I've been reading all these threads about that whole reverse psychology thing and people getting back together, and it's been giving me such high hopes, sigh.

 

I gotta bring myself down to earth and move on...

 

Yea, us dumpees are always searching for answers we know just arn't there. I'm guilty of it myself and occasionally still ask questions I know the answers to.

 

People still do get back together and you will still read success stories on here. The truth is, about 90% of those success stories happened because the dumpee truly did move on and truly did change. They completely let go and started to worry about themselves. Once you are in a better place and can honestly feel you are moved on is about the perfect timing when the ex (dumper) comes around and tries to enter your life again. Don't ask me how this works but it happens quite a bit more then you would expect.

 

But right now is a new life. You were born again. You have learned so much about relationships. We cannot change the past. So take this as a learning opportunity and use everything you have learned for your next relationship.

[TSandullo]

I agree with Dre760 on this though I am yet to experience this myself. Though at times, when I am doing my own thing and simply getting on with life, I get some obscure e-mail/text from my ex.

 

I too got the same "I don't want you to wait for me..."

Funny enough, I think this sort of statement comes from a dumper who is clearly confused with their wants in life.

 

If they truly did not want to reconcile, they would end it completely and phrase it differently I believe, thus eliminating any sense of hope for reconciliation.

 

If they truly wanted to stay with the dumpee...well, there wouldn't be any dumping now would there?

 

Then again, I might be incorrect as I understand people go through phases in their lives where they feel they are unable to work on or sustain their relationship.

 

IMHO, I feel this sort of line comes from the young (20-30).

 

So, in all honesty, a statement like "Don't wait for me..." gives people more false hope than they previously imagined and can severely hold back from someone moving on with their lives.

 

my 2 cnts.

 

Have a good day everyone.

 

TS

[Sac]

yeah i got all the "dont wait for me" "your a good person" "I just dont think were right for each other" "we need to both move on" "i dont know if we will get back together" "dont throw away the stuff i made you, you never know we could get back together"

 

now you have new bf 3 weeks after breaking up....good job!!

[shygirl711]

Heya,I'm going thru exactly the same thing bt I've been with my bf for 5 yrs!(You should pm me). hard to think that all of a sudden now they are saying all these things.my bf said that he truly believes we were meant to be and he wants to end up being with me.he didn't actually say 'dnt wait for me'.for me he said he doesn't want to say I should wait for him coz that's selfish bt I told him if he is just confused and needs space then I will grant him that.I guess its different if they want to see other people .my bf said he didn't.in that case I feel there is hope.everyone says don't have hope but I guess only I can decide how long to hold on for and only can influence me on that.

 

In your case did he say anything abt the two of you in the long run?thing is it might be all false hope but if you have faith in the love you have then you can be a bit more patient.for how long though?only you can answer that.I read on another thread that the dumper may leave the relationship and may come back and it may be that at the time they had to do what was best for them bt in respect was the best for the relationship.I'm calling this the 'test of true love'.he may come back and realise he can't live without you.if he doesn't he hasn't given u the greatest gift as there is a new door for you to take.

 

You don't risk anything by having hope.in the end if he doesn't come back at least you know you gave the relationship all you had.

[LoveSoDeep]

It's not the "don't wait for me" that gets to me.

 

Yes my ex has said this....basically...he said "I never told you to wait for me." What really gets to me is that he follows that with I can't promise you anything...he just doesn't know what will happen between un in the future....which means he can't promise we won't get back together and he can't promise that we will. At this point though I know he can't promise anything and I don't expect him to b/c I can't either. To me that says he feels the same way I do at some level.

 

He has also told me that if I do start dating someone else he doesn't want to hear about it b/c he couldn't handle that. About the only thing this has done is make it harder for me to consider dating other people....although I don't think that was his intent.

[abigheart]

What do you mean when you say "If they truly did not want to reconcile, they would end it completely and phrase it differently I believe, thus eliminating any sense of hope for reconciliation."

 

Are you saying "don't wait for me" doesn't actually mean no reconciliation whatsoever? Any example of how it would be phrased differently if that was what they meant?

 

I also agree this line comes from the younger 20-30 crowd as I am part of it, heh. But I'm starting to feel that as he claims his reason of not being ready to be in a long-term relationship, there's more to that...I think his feelings did fade. I don't know who knows.

[abigheart]

Hey I will PM you but my bf didn't break up with me to see what else is out there, or at least I don't think. He's just very conflicted and I'm sure it has to do with the fact that we're young, and the pressure to keep it long-term until marriage was not something he could see...so he said he doesn't see himself being in a long-term relationship with anyone. So no he didn't say anything about us in the long-run. He did say he wants me still in his life or hopes so, but nothing about us getting back together at some point despite the fact that he acknowledges what we have is really great. Unlike your bf, he didn't specify that we were "meant to be" in any way. I made the mistake of saying that once during our time together, coincidentally a few weeks before he officially split. I would never say a load of that kinda stuff but I guess it freaked him out although he says the whole it's not you, it's me thing.

 

And you're right about the "test of true love." It makes me so anxious to think about though...

[abigheart]

I dont think that was his intent either. I think he would genuinely be crushed. I'm pretty sure if I started dating someone else and even though my bf let me go, he would be hurt badly. However, I don't think you should feel like you are taking steps back 'cause he told you not to tell him if you do date someone. He needs to handle it regardless because ultimately, HE was the one that let it go...

 

And the fact that he's saying "i cant promise you anything" yet says "i'm not sure what will happen between us in the future" if he is hinting at you guys getting back together...that dilemma, uncertainty in itself makes you think, wouldn't you want to be with someone who is sure of it, who doesn't question the relationship and where it'll go. I mean, if you take a step back and look at the picture, that is. I feel like a huge hypocrite saying this because I apply this very same thinking to my own situation.

 

Are you guys contacting or NC? And how long has it been?

[LoveSoDeep]

Exactly. I don't think they intend to give us false hope when they say things like that...I just think they really don't want to close the door on the possibility.

 

Yes of course it makes me think and of course I want to be with someone who is sure but I know he's conflicted right now and he knows it's a mess...he actually started therapy to get himself sorted out.

 

We are actually in very open basically full contact. We talk or text I would say 5-6 days a week if not every day and we see each other at least 2 times a week for dinner or a drink or just to hang out on weekends....It has been over a year since we broke up (and about 8 months of this constant contact) and we kinda go in cycles where everything is great and we are really close and I feel almost like we are dating and then he'll pulls away slightly and it seems to me in those periods he's closer to another girl (his rebound who he claims is now an ex but they get together and break up every other week it seems like). Really I'm not waiting for him...I have been trying to date other people but I'm not sure I'm really ready yet.

 

But him saying stuff like that does make it hard for me to see other people and not feel guilty or weird about it. And who knows maybe deep down unconsciously that kinda was his intent.

[dazed_83]

yeah I heard that rubbish. "I dont feel like its the end for us, but I cant ask you to wait for me, I want to be single for a while" 3 months later she's with a new guy.

 

Oh well............

[TryingVeryHard]

I heard it, along with "you've told me everything I've ever dreamed of a man tellin me," and "I still feel the same way I've always felt about you" all in the same conversation... Also in that conversation was "but I think we need to date other people."

 

...talk about confusing.

[abigheart]

I heard it, along with "you've told me everything I've ever dreamed of a man tellin me," and "I still feel the same way I've always felt about you" all in the same conversation... Also in that conversation was "but I think we need to date other people."

 

...talk about confusing.

 

Seriously, especially for me the part about "I still feel the same way I've felt about you before."

 

This is why I've been starting to wonder if that was all a cover up and maybe he did lose interest in me but thought it would hurt to hear. Meh no point in calling him out on it now...

[abigheart]

I feel the same as you minus the greater length of time. So in keeping continuous contact, is it to the point where it's not as painful anymore as it's been more than a year? There's been a lot of NC advocacy on this forum, well, at least immediately after the break-up so that's what I'm dealing with.

 

It's good to know, though, that you are trying to date other people as hard as it is with him saying that stuff. I wish you the best though.

[butterfly0424]

Sounds like my situation. We have been in full contact for a 6 weeks. Only been out twice in those weeks.

[LLammas]

I, like many others, have had an ex say "don't wait for me."

 

Although it was a painful, embarrassing lesson, I came to realize that he really meant "I won't be back." Like so many others, I am going to recommend going No Contact. If he really does care and wants to come back, NC will drive him crazy. If not, it gives you time to heal and clear your head. It's a win win situation.

 

I wish you much luck in this situation, it was a mucky one for me.

[abigheart]

I agree with LLamas - it's a win win situation, or that's how I'm beginning to see it. I can't plan my actions according to how he'll respond if he does decide to get back with me. In other words, I'm not doing NC solely to get him back (I think at this point no..and I have to take his word for it when he says "don't wait for me") but also doing it to get myself together, heal and grow from this experience. I'm pretty sure I'll be fine and all of you will as well, as easy as it is to say...

[TSandullo]

it's a win win situation, or that's how I'm beginning to see it. I can't plan my actions according to how he'll respond if he does decide to get back with me. In other words, I'm not doing NC solely to get him back (I think at this point no..and I have to take his word for it when he says "don't wait for me") but also doing it to get myself together, heal and grow from this experience. I'm pretty sure I'll be fine and all of you will as well, as easy as it is to say...

 

This more or less summarises NC IMO.

 

Hope you are well abigheart.

[abigheart]

This more or less summarises NC IMO.

 

Hope you are well abigheart.

 

Thank you TSandullo, I'm doing okay. The acceptance of it all is definitely sinking in now. I hope you are well, too.