No libido :-(

[Spredn311luv]

My DH and I have been together for 5 years now, married for 3 years and have a 2 year old daughter. I was my DH's first. The first 2 years were great, had sex all the time and wanted it from my husband. Now, seriously, we may only have sex once a month. It's crazy and I don't know what to do. And it's kind of my fault. But I just have no sex drive anymore I feel like. I really feel like I have no want for it. I love my husband and I love being with him, but we just never have sex. And I know it's frustrating him. He'll try to initiate it, but I kind of just brush it off. I really just don't want it. When we actually have sex though, I enjoy it and I want it, but it's just I have to get to that point. And it frustrates me and I'm afraid that maybe he'll go somewhere else to get it I get mad when he looks at porno or something, but it's my fault. What can I do?? I'm really concerned about it, I even brought up to him maybe seeing a sex therapist, but he's not too big on the idea. Is this something that I can fix with a few tips or is this something serious?

 

Thanks for any feedback.

 

Angie

[Calvin68]

"When we actually have sex though, I enjoy it and I want it, but it's just I have to get to that point"

 

Here's some tough love for you -- you're lazy.

 

I hear the same thing from my friends about the gym. They enjoy working out and feel good when they do. But they just can't get to the gym.

 

You have a kid and maybe you work. So you are tired. I get that. But if you enjoy sex when you have it, you should have it more. It's that simple.

 

Think about it: You enjoy it, so I am assuming it feels good. The man you love enjoys it. It is healthy for you, your husband and your relationship.

 

So why don't you have it more often??? Because you are not motivated. If you value your relationship -- get motivated!

[helloladies21]

I'm surprised at how many women say it's their fault, but how could this be the case? I don't know of anyone in this world who can control who they're attracted to. Conversely, I see powerful of an effect someone can have on whether or not someone else is attracted to you you though (through your actions, physical looks, etc.). So just the opposite, it's your husbands "fault" for not doing what it takes to keep your sexual attraction.

 

Unfortunately, while I believe that you are telling the truth that your husband is a good man in that he is kind, considerate, and cares about you, I suspect that he is not strong enough with you. He most likely has pushover tendancies, unable to stick up for himself. Just lacking the overall intensity that women crave on an instinctual level.

 

If this is the case, it is very doubtful that he will somehow develop the strength to manage the relationship correctly, so things look like they will not work out in the end no matter what you do since you are not the cause of the problems to begin with.

[rustyschackelf]

Yeah I don't understand that at all. If you enjoy it and want to have sex, then why do you shoot him down when he tries to initiate? I guess its one of those things where you have the opportunity to do something fun, but for whatever reason (maybe being tired) you don't take advantage of the opportunity, and then you regret it later and wish you had done it. Like the analogy the second poster made about the gym. But yeah YOU need to make the effort to get things going in the bedroom. Try setting a romantic mood in your bedroom or something to get both of you in the mood. And be spontanteous, the next time you wake up at 3am and want to have sex try waking your husband up for some middle of the night sex. Also look at your lifestyle as sometimes stress can kill a sex drive, but I don't think sex drive is the problem, because you want and enjoy sex but for some reason you choose not to have it very often.

[Shortpants]

I would ask how is the rest of your relationship? Do you feel that your emotional needs are being met? In most cases, the lack of sex, or lack of interest in sex, is not the issue, it is a symptom of another problem that is CAUSING the lack of interest in having sex. You say you enjoy the intimate contact when it does happen, but it is not something you would probably initiate yourself.

 

Borrowed from: link removed -

 

"One of the most important reasons that husbands and wives fail to meet each other's emotional needs is that they don't share the same interest in them. Men want marriage to emphasize the needs that they have, such as sex, and women want marriage to emphasize needs that mean most to them, such as affection and conversation. Truth is, they can do it all. Marriage can meet a man's need for sex and a woman's need for affection and conversation, even when the wife has little interest in sex and the husband has little interest in affection and conversation."

 

I find that when my emotional needs are not being met by my SO, I am less inclined to meet his, and thus is starts a downward spiral that can quickly get out of control. If you remember back to early in the relationship, when you would go at it like rabbits, what was different then? More than likely, he was much more attentive to your emotional needs and "wooing" you, for lack of a better term. And on the other hand, you were probably going out of your way to please him and the spark was there. Now that the Honeymoon phase is over, "real life" creeps in and our partner's emotional needs (and our own emotional needs) get put on the back burner for the day to day baloney. You need to make sure to take the time to work on the relationship and rediscover the "spark" again, not get lost on the daily doldrums and fall into a rut. As you are finding, it is very, very hard to get out of that rut once you are there.

 

Best of luck to you, I hope you can work this out with your husband. You both deserve to be happy and fulfilled.

[Calvin68]

Sorry Shortpants. But I am not buying this. The OP didn't say anything about her husband not satisfying her emotional needs. She seemed pretty honest that this is her fault. I am assuming they are a relatively young couple since they have a 2 year old. And they are having sex "maybe" once a month. And on top of that, she gets mad at him when he looks at porn!?

 

Some people just don't like sex that much - men and women. That's fine and hopefully they pair up with someone just like them and they are fine. I have friends who have very happy marriages having sex just a few times a year. But they are both on the same page. Other things are more important to both of them. This doesn't sound like this is the case here. Her husband most likely wants what he bought into - frequent sex/intimacy with his wife. Instead, he's had the rug yanked out from under him.

 

I think it's great that the OP recognizes there is a problem and is trying to fix it. You know what they say, acknowledging that there is a problem is the first step on the road to recovery. But I think she needs to continue to be honest with herself as she tries to find a solution. And I don't think telling her the problem could be her husband is helpful.

 

Her husband is most likely very frustrated. I wouldn't suggest any approach that tries to turn this problem around on him - like "you're not meeting my emotional needs."

[Shortpants]

Calvin -

Implying the issue was something with her husband was not my intention. While I know there are people that just don't like sex, that doesn't seem to be the case here. She clearly states that she enjoys it when it actually happens, but it is the lack of sex drive that is the issue. As I said in the beginning of my post, generally the lack of sex, or lack of interest in sex, is a symptom, not the actual problem. Again, does this cover ALL sex issues, no it does not.

 

My point was that males and females have different requirements to have a happy and fulfilling relationship. Males tend to need the physical, females tend to need the emotional. If one or the other is not getting what they need, it throws the whole balance off and the relationship suffers. I'm not saying he needs to adapt to her or she needs to adapt to him, they need to work together to find a solution.

 

PS - And I suppose telling her she was "lazy" and it is all her fault is much more helpful than my post? pffft, not buying what you are selling either.