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I opened my mouth and the sky fell.


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Alright, as the title suggests - I said something that caused the sky to fell, so to say.

 

In an earlier thread, I had stated pretty much how, I had met this girl in one of my classes and we hit it off so well, we'd have lunch together a couple times a week, talked hours on the phone and we were really into each other. We completed each others sentences, joked and laughed and to bring it short of the cliche romance was a boat ride into the sunset.

 

There is a maturity and age gap, I'm 23 and she's 19. She's never been with anyone before, while I'm more experienced, but overall - she was really refreshing, she didn't seem to have bull * * * * drama and baggage and very pleasant to be around.

 

I met her mom before taking her out, as that is what her culture calls for and, hit it off great with the family.

 

Time elapsed and something from my past began to bother me a bit, (this is the part when I open my mouth.) About four years ago, I was in a serious relationship and I impregnated my girlfriend, unfortunately she had a miscarriage. It happened around this time of year and it was on my mind. I told the girl the story... and the sky fell. She told me, she was freaking out and didn't know what to think of me anymore.

 

Her response really pissed me off, I wasn't look for anything in telling her the story. I was venting and getting something off my chest that was bothering me. I just felt really offended and judged.

 

Time elapsed and eventually it came up in conversation, which ended badly, I ignored her that next day (we had lab that day), trying to cool down and really make sense of things, but later in the evening I began to really feel bad and started to make amends I begged her to provide me with a reason as to why it bothered her (at that point, I forgave her for the disagreements we had, and I really wanted to understand why this was an issue) she gave me all these bull * * * * answers like, how as a father in the future, I'll be always reflecting on the kid I lost.

 

They made no sense to me and she pretty much said, how things wouldn't work between us.

 

So, I didn't say anything from there. (this last conversation was through the internet)

 

And she later messages me, looking for closure.

 

"So this is the end huh?"

 

I dunno, I didn't confirm or deny, I simply congradulated her on the good grade she got on this exam she took...

 

I was just really hurt. Since we had the conversation (miscarriage), I was debating with myself if I should close the door or not and all could think of in the end was the good qualities she had, and how I really cared about her.

 

Since then, we've spoken a little bit, but she's been very cold and snappy. I don't know what to do, but she's all I've been thinking about lately.

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Tell her that you lost a child and that she can shove it. Birth begins at conception and clearly she doesn't understand the loss involved with what happened to you. It's not about you having a "bad" past but rather that something extremely tragic happened to you.

 

I agree. Her response to this part of your history is, IMO, every bit as offensive as it is ignorant and insensitive. If I were in your shoes, I'd not be reluctant to give her the closure she wants:

 

"You're right - this won't work out after all. I cannot see myself long-term with someone as insensitive and thoughtless as yourself. That's the opposite of what I admire, value, and seek. Take care."

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Even though it's not what you were trying to do, I guess this was her litmus test and she failed it horribly. I know you've developed feelings for her but I'm sure you don't want to invest further time and feelings into someone who so flagrantly doesn't understand what it is to respect another human being. She's extremely naive and just plain wrong. Sounds like her parents have probably kept her extremely sheltered. Sorry it had to go down like this, but better you know now than later.

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Tell her that you lost a child and that she can shove it. Birth begins at conception and clearly she doesn't understand the loss involved with what happened to you. It's not about you having a "bad" past but rather that something extremely tragic happened to you.

 

Birth doesn't happen until...birth, which is not conception. That, however, isn't the issue.

 

The issue here is perhaps the seriousness of the relationship you had and the idea that you were going to be a father to another woman's baby. It may not be entirely logical for her to have reacted that way, but any such information can be shocking, because it may change the way you view the person or the relationship. That's not to say that she didn't react very immaturely. However, given her age, experience, and the shock (because it can be shocking to learn such a thing), she may need you to cut her some slack. The thing to do here is have a serious discussion with her where you ask her why she reacted that way and whether it truly makes a difference in the relationship--if you want to work things out. Maybe she will get over the shock soon with the time she has had to cool down.

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Tell her that you lost a child and that she can shove it. Birth begins at conception and clearly she doesn't understand the loss involved with what happened to you. It's not about you having a "bad" past but rather that something extremely tragic happened to you.

 

 

QFT. I think the OT should say EXACTLY this to her, it should shock her out of her "insecure, stupid reaction" and snap the reality of how insensitive she is being into her.

 

If it doesn't then you need to get out of the relationship and let her figure it out for herself. You'll lose a lot of self-respect if you don't stand up for yourself on this issue.

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She's still really young and immature. I suppose she expects you to have impregnated someone within the context of marriage and you may have jarred the fantasy image she had of you in her mind. Let her know mistakes do happen and you've learned from yours. Perhaps the two of you can connect again when she is a little older and wiser, having made some mistakes herself. I wouldn't say she is insensitive, just very childlike in her mind.

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