Hurting ATM...

[Lavender25]

I don't think I've ever posted in this forum before. I went straight to the "Getting Back Together" forum after my on/off relationship of 7 years with my ex ended back in June. I was in so much pain and just needed someone to listen and this website was truly a godsend. While I was devastated about the end of the relationship, I was caught between wanting him back and wanting something better (a touch of GIGS, maybe?). So after things with our apartment were finalized, I went NC. It was so hard but I knew that there was nothing that I could do about the situation so I didn't try to fight it. But I'm having a really hard day right now and I just want someone to listen.

 

I dated a few guys and it was new and exciting because I'd technically never "dated" before. I ended up meeting someone back in August that I really liked and things were great at first. He was taking me out, calling me frequently, paying for things, being affectionate: things my ex hadn't done in a LONG time. But after a while I realized that I still wasn't over him. This became even clearer when I heard rumors that he was fooling around with one of my friends/ex-coworkers. I confronted him about it via text and he told me that I had no control over his actions and he was tired of me making him feel guilty for moving on. I told him that I was tired of him treating me like * * * * and that if he ever wanted to talk to me again then he'd have to contact me. The fact that he was hooking up with someone that I trusted and had invited into our lives was even more painful than the initial breakup. She was the one that I was crying to and telling how much I loved him, missed him and wanted him back. How could she do this to me? And then... the hooking up became a relationship. That was back in October. I blocked him (and her) from facebook, deleted all of the photos I had of him on there and untagged myself from the hundreds of photos that friends had posted of us. I haven't heard from him since.

 

I technically haven't seen or heard from her either. DIRECTLY, anyway. Some friends of mine from work ran into her at her new job and she told them to say "hi" to me for her. And she's been into my store to "shop" (thankfully I haven't been there any of those days) a few times. Not to mention that she texted me not long after they got together asking me if she could come back to work at my job, to which I didn't respond. Then she recently updated her facebook photo to one of her and the cat that my ex and I adopted together (he got to keep him because I moved back home and my mom and sister are allergic). I loved that cat SO MUCH. I feel like she keeps trying to hurt me by doing all of these things when I didn't do anything wrong. After seeing what she's done to me and evaluating things she has told me about her past: 3 abortions, 1 child given up for adoption, dated a drug dealer, someone twice her age, and a 17 year old (she's 24) that she supposedly got pregnant by, and right before all of this went down she was having an affair with her new MARRIED boss... she's not a good person. And I don't understand why he picked her instead of me.

 

I kept seeing the guy I was seeing at the time and I'm still somewhat involved with him. We "broke up" in January but we haven't gone longer than a week without seeing each other... and we're still sleeping together. It feels like a FWB situation and that isn't what I wanted at all--and I told him that. He claims that it is more than FWB but it's the end of March now so if it isn't going to be something more than that then I'm thinking it could be time to cut my losses... which leaves me alone again. I don't understand why I am the one that has to be alone. I was so good to him... and to her... and they get to be happy together while I'm alone and hurting.

 

The thing that set me off today was his twitter. He updated his photo to one of them together, and the caption on it says "and they lived happily ever after." I cried. I haven't cried over this in such a long time. I think she is the one responsible for the caption because he's not one to make comments like that. But he must like it if he uploaded it... and it hurts.

 

Sometimes I miss him so much. But then I try to make myself remember that he isn't the same person that I loved. From what I've heard from his friends/mutual friends: he isn't the same person. Apparently he was with a string of girls before he got into a relationship with her and they all think he made a mistake by treating me the way that he did. To some extent, that does make me feel a bit better. But then I realize that I'm still where I was before: alone, bitter, and broken-hearted.

 

I guess I'm just wondering where I'm supposed to go from here. I'm afraid to make new friends because I always wonder how far I should let them into my life before they betray me. I've gone on dates but I haven't found anyone that I really TRULY like and when I am interested in someone it just turns into a big mess. I'm terrified that I'll never find someone that I connected with like my ex. Even through all of this, us being apart just feels SO WRONG to me. But it seems that him being with her feels so right to him. So who's right?

[minou]

The eternal story of love... sometimes the timing is just off... there a song in french.... I love her... she loves him... he loves another.... this is all a reason to keep learning what you can with every relationship... hopefully by the time the right one comes along and you mutually agree, all relationship skills will be in place as far as possible. Impossible to ever be fully prepared as each relationship is a unique entity with a synergy of 2 unique people. I feel for you so much. My husband has a gf right now and, while I've wanted to be with him again since 2 weeks after throwing him out (long story) and it's been a long time now, he now is with another. It really hurts. So sorry you are hurting. Hope your timing is right soon in the future! We had a good ten years of amazing compatibility and I'm grateful for every second, though it wouldn't hurt this much if it hadn't been so great. Love... nothing can make us feel better... nothing can make us feel worse.

[Keyman]

For a start, you are in the depression phase of the break up and which means you are getting down on yourself for everything and that is easy to see from this post... Good news though. the depression phase is the 3rd or 4 phases, which means you are well on your way to moving on. So, where do you go from here? Just keep on truckin in the way you are and you'll get back to a place where you are happy.

 

The new guy you are seeing is a rebound and is allowing you to feel intimacy even though your mind is still on the break up with your ex. it does not sound like it is something that will last long term, but you never know. Once you have moved on more from your ex it might turn into something deeper as right now your emotions are still focused on the past and not the present. Then again, you might cut him lose and start finding your own inner happiness alone for a while. I know the idea of being alone after a long relationship is hard, but honestly, it can do wonders for finding your inner happiness and bringing it to the surface.

 

Yes, it seems like you have been betrayed by your friend who is now with your ex. I haven't read your other posts, so am not sure why your relationship ended. But, as you progress on through phase 4 of the break up and learn to let go of the pain, forgive and look back with gratitude, you might see things from a different perspective. This lady that your ex is with has struggled through her life looking for her match in life, for emotional happiness and stability. From what you have described, she has been through the wars with her partners. Some people do this when they are searching for the right person by wading through all the crap, turning over ever rock. I know it's not a happy thought to be thinking that at least they seem to be happy, mainly because you aren't. I also don't think she is trying to make you feel crap, but instead is missing the friendship with you. It is normal for you to associate her as an enemy, because you are still hurting from the break up, but you'll eventually realise she isn't.

 

It does also sound like after 7 years you and your ex weren't entirely happy either else you would not have broken up. And from what you have described, he begun the search for someone new early on, just like you. Don't be fooled by his seeming happiness, while he may have found someone he feels compatible with, he will still be hurting on the inside from the break up not 9 months ago. Perhaps this ex friend of yours has done a better job in helping him through this depression than your rebound guy, which sounds more like a sexual relationship as you wont let him get close emotionally.

 

You are doing well, and are working through the break up in your way. I do feel having a period of time alone to get to know who you are again will speed along the process, no matter how hard you think it will be. But there is one thing... we will always be here to listen to you...

 

Go easy on yourself. Life is getting better. Believe it. And the next man you will get involved with will be better than you ex. Believe that too.

[coolchick64]

I can totally see why you'd be feeling this way, but there's no way to know what's really going on between them. People enter all kinds of relationships for all kinds of reasons. They "play" at love. But as you know if you've lived long enough, real love doesn't come along that often. I sincerely doubt that he'd be lucky enough to stumble from one big relationship into another. And based on what you've said about her, she doesn't exactly sound like a dream come true. My guess is she's filling the time until he meets someone else.

 

As for you, you just have to believe there's something better out there for you. I'm 100% sure there is. You're young, and smart, and attractive. You'll have many many options and one of them will be amazingly great. If you aren't alone for a while, you won't be free when this great thing comes along. Just know that it's out there and when you find it, the rest of this will seem like a bad dream. You may end up being the lucky one because you didn't invest your time and energy in a dead-end relationship (like he appears to be doing).

 

I'm sending you big big hugs. I know first-hand how painful it is to see someone you love move on and give all the things you used to get to someone else---someone who seems like a disgusting carp. But trust me, you have better things ahead of you.

[Lavender25]

Coolchick always knows how to make me feel better.

[redherring]

Yeah that was a good post coolchick.

Made me feel better about my situation too, thanks a lot xx